My h2b's sister has Aspergers. She has no social Skills, cannot converse with anyone and sometimes can get really stressed. I am worried she will cause a scene or just ruin the day. Everyone knows her medical problem, but I find her so hard to deal with. H2b also doesn't have much family (only mum, dad, sister and one set of grandparents) I know his parents will be able to sit with her in the church but at the reception, if his grandparents don't come - he said they may not due to their age and are quite frail - who would his sister sit with? I really don't want her on the top table! But I also think its unfair to let my family or friends have to 'look after' her.
H2b will not discuss the situation with his parents, it's like he's scared to, but I feel Some discussions have to be made!
Any help would be appreciated!
Loz x
CommentAuthorSonya
Sorry but I think you're being unfair, probably not what you wanted to hear but how would you feel if it were your sister?? It's not like she can help having aspergers is it?
Surely she could sit with some of your family or friends, it would only be for the actual meal, you are afterall marrying into his family and all that comes with him
Became Mrs Mulholland on September 12th 2014!!!
CommentAuthorElaineH41
My nephew has Asperger's syndrome & I wouldnt in a million years not invite him. It's up to his parents (with the help of my parents and myself and husband to be) to make sure he has a good day as well as everyone else. Who really cares if she causes a scene? is it really such a big deal? is it any worse than a small child having a tantrum? I'm not surprised your H2B doesnt want to discuss it with his parents, I would feel awful if my H2B said he didnt want my nephew there on the day 'cause he finds him hard to deal with'. Yo don't have to have a top tabel if H2B's grandparents arent able to come to the wedding meal, you could have you & hubyy at a tabel youreselves, or just with your bridesmaid and best man so that your H2B's parents could sit at a table with his sister or you could ask one of your relavites who has experience of children and who your future SIL has met to look after her for the duration of the meal. There are ways around this, imagine how bad you would feel if your H2B said this about one of your siblings/family/freinds. I hope you find a solution that works for you. Sorry if my message sounds a little harsh, I don't mean it to be, i just thinks there are ways around this. Take care, xx
CommentAuthorNaomiH25
i think thats a bit out of order insensitive!
people have disabilities and i have a disability, i'm deaf and i sign. does that mean i shouldn't attend because i 'wave' my hands about?
my brother has Aspergers and he's 8. if i had my wedding in Australia, i would have used my brother to give me away! Why? because i love him regardless of his autistic spectrum disability.
But... on the flip side i can understand how you feel but that just boils down to unexposed uneducated people have never met them 'sort' of people. (can you tell people judge me everyday?!)
So grit your teeth, invite her, because deep down (even if she doesn't show it) she will love you for it because her brother is a 'safe' person with her and so is her parents and in her eyes she will be gaining a 'new' sister therefore may become more accepting of you.
(Most Aspergers people dont cause scenes etc, what about one of your friends and your grooms friends - they are more likely to cause the scene!!!! brain and mouth not connecting and alcohol thrown in the mix)
you will be fine!
met in August 2003 - the year we finished school
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CommentAuthorMartinH57
Like it or not she is his family, and always will be, and when you marry him she will be a part of your family, if you are going to try and ash him to choose between you and his family you really need to think again exactly why the two of you are getting married
You can invite her and if she feels she can't cope with the situation she can choose not to come. I think the whole family would be massively offended if she was just left off the invite list. X
CommentAuthoralmost a year wife!!
edited
Hun I'm sorry but I agree with everyone else...
You cant just not invite her because she has a disability, you are being completely out of order... It's his SISTER how would you feel if he was saying this about your sister/brother?
If you don't invite her consider yourself dis-owned before you even take his name!
Ill marry my hero
CommentAuthorHappyBunny
and what happens if she doesn't come? who takes care of her then? surely his parents cant leave her at home by herself? I think you are being quite superficial to be honest hun...she's his sister and soon to be your sister in law xx
CommentAuthorSonya
good point!!
Became Mrs Mulholland on September 12th 2014!!!
CommentAuthorLinzi-jo
Wow! I honestly can't believe I just read this post! My brother is autistic, and also has mild schizophrenia but never in a million years would I not invite him to my wedding because of it!! He is her sister and so I dont think there should even be a question of whether or not to invite her, I would understand if she had been a vile person to you, but because she has a disability that she cannot help is no reason to not invite her to your wedding! I also work with people with learning disabilities and mental health problems and to be honest, they are a lot nicer than a lot of 'normal' people I know and make a lot less 'scenes' than my friends when they are out and drunk. Is there a family friend they have who could come and sit with her? Someone that she trusts? There are always ways around these problems without resorting to not having her there xxx
Got together 14.02.2008
Got engaged 31.12.2010
Will become a Mrs on 30.08.2014 xxxxxx
CommentAuthorLittleMissWorry
I aslo think you should invite her. She's about to become your sister!
Could you put in a lot of effort with her between now and the wedding (and after the wedding too...)? I'm sure once you both get more used to each other and you understand how she thinks and views things you'll find her much easier to get along with. I know a few adults with aspergers and from my experience they're honest decent people. Never have I known any of them to be deliberately spiteful or mean - which is a lot more than can said about a lot of the family/friends that get moaned about on here! I would do some research on aspergers syndrome, plus there must be some forums out there - maybe you could ask people with aspergers for advice.
CommentAuthor*The NewMrsMalin*
I agree with everyone else; I think it is a little selfish to even consider not inviting her as she is his sister and your future sil. Try to get to know her more and make special accommodations at your wedding such as letting her parents sit with her rather then on the top table or just let her sit at the top table with you all.
Met in 2009
Got together on12th May 2011, proposed on the 12th May 2013
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CommentAuthorWhovianbride
I agree with everyone else! My cousin has asphergers and my ex had it aswell as a few other people i know ! Its not a big deal! Some were very internal and some very external. I mean even without asphergers other people can cause a scene due to alcohol etc!
Met June 2009 on my Birthday,Met again July 2009 and got
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CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
when are you getting married (you profile is restricted so we cant see)
you need to go through the day with her letting her know what is happening when .... you could write a special booklet for her to keep going back to ..anyone with aspergers find change difficult so the more she knows the happier she will be ..
as to her social skills i know plenty of people wit NO disability to have no social skills
I think you need to talk to his parents at least if h2b wont do it but be careful whats said, yes its something that needs to be addressed and if there is away to deal with it before the day it has to be tried and to she shouldnt be there i just think is wrong and very rude if im honest x
Away with the flutterbys xxx
CommentAuthorElinor Claire
I'm in agreement too; she's no different to anyone else. My H2Bs sister has cerebral palsy but will still be a bridesmaid. She can't walk but a carer will push her chair down the aisle. She may find the day difficult, but what you need is one person, who she knows well, to be in charge of her, even if the means an extra guest. We will have two carers for my SIL, and if her boyfriend, with Downs, comes, two carers for him two.
30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.
CommentAuthorSazzell23
If you are going to speak to h2b's parents then you need to be extremely TACTFUL as this is a highly emotive subject. If you want to broach it with them you need to chat about the top table and then ask whats they think is best for H2b sister seating wise. Personally I dont think there is any issue - she is a family member and that is that. Her parents will make all the necessary arrangments to ensure that she is ok on the wedding day and the day runs smoothly for you all. I'm sure they already know exactly how to handle things after years of experience and would be insulted if your question them too deeply or imply that she will 'ruin the day'. I really think you need to be careful here as you could easily alienate yourself from the family and im sure your comments must be upsetting to hear for H2B as he loves you both.
CommentAuthorFernP61
I also think its a bit unfair, she is family and as I agree with you that you don't want your friends looking after her really someone should, has she got anything she likes that you could maybe give her to keep her occupied? It's not her fault she has it and a bit of company will be good for her x
CommentAuthorMrsGothBride
this is one, if not thee most shocking posts I have ever seen on this forum.
sorry for not adding anything constructive but I'm just stunned somebody could be so selfish.
When we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours
we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying
weirdness and call it love, true love.
5th September 2013
CommentAuthoralmost a year wife!!
I keep thinking about this today it's this bit that gets me: "she will cause a scene or just ruin the day." Ruin the day!!!
I'm sorry to come back and comment again but it's really rubbed me up the wrong way....
Have you told your h2b what you're thinking? Has he said anything? Has he even brought it up or is it you that's the selfish one?
She needs your help and support and not to be ostracised by you... Lalas idea of the booklet is fab, yes it's your day BUT exceptions must be made here...
Ill marry my hero
CommentAuthorValentinaK
Is this a troll post?!
You can't not invite her and you should not be looking at her as a hindrance! She's family and you are marrying into his! How do you think h2b would feel?!
That's not only selfis. Of you but insensitive, unkind and you're treating her as second rate. You will have guests who are worse to handle after a few drinks than her. It's not her fault and to deny her of the experience of her brothers wedding us barbaric!
And we lived happily ever after!
CommentAuthorValentinaK
I'm annoyed by this post. Grr. I thought I was going to read something about a sil 2 b who had Been vile and causing trouble, but the OP has quite frankly disgusted me.
And we lived happily ever after!
CommentAuthorSonya
I wonder if a mod should sink this one now, I think we're all in agreement that the question asked was totally insensitive. I can't see the poster responding now
Became Mrs Mulholland on September 12th 2014!!!
CommentAuthorJoanna
I have to agree with the other ladies. This post is not only selfish but upsetting to read!
The greatest thing you'll ever learn
is just to love and be loved in return
<3
CommentAuthoralmost a year wife!!
agreed x
Ill marry my hero
CommentAuthorValentinaK
No, nor me and she has restricted profile. Shocking.
And we lived happily ever after!
CommentAuthorSazzell23
Yes it should be sunk.
CommentAuthorNataliesoon2bMitchel
I think all of us girls can get a little bit caught up with ourselves and our wedding and in a sense put tunnel vision goggles on and not realise what we say or how we are acting. We stress so much with making the day perfect that we don't realise who we may be affecting or the consequences of our actions at times.
Take a step back, re-read your post and put yourself in H2B shoes. I have no experience of socializing or looking after anyone with any kind of disability so I cant comment on her condition but if your H2B only has a small family then I can imagine they are close and she will hold an important place in his heart.
Please remember that we will all experience hick ups or mishaps on the day of the wedding nothing runs perfectly, this could be from a supplier delivering the wrong flowers, to cars being late, to a baby screaming right the way through the ceremony - you cant control these things, So just have to keep calm, block it all out and just be in yours and your H2B's own little bubble on the day! x
CommentAuthorNataliesoon2bMitchel
I agree the mods should close this thread
CommentAuthorOfficially Mrs M
This thread is now closed.
8th September 2012 I married my best friend
1st September 2014 our little family grew by one
Women are made to be loved, not understood. - Oscar Wilde
