My h2b has 2 children from his ex...they were never married, but they hate me!! When we first got together i knew he had kids and i was fine with it but it got to us being together for about 3/4 months and although they saw us together in town i hadnt actually met them properly and he kept saying give it time. Well after about 6 half months i was in the same pub as his ex and got talking. she said it isnt a problem me seeing them. We took them to lunch couple of days later and seemed to get on. After that i didnt seem them again until 11 months later! All in all we have been together 2 years and i have seen them 3 times, the last time they didnt even say hello or talk to me the entire time. When it was time to leave i didnt even bother to say bye as i had enough of them being rude and horrible to me. It upset me so much as i do want to get on with them.
i have asked h2b to speak to them but he hasnt so i have actually given up now... Anyone else in the same situation? xx
CommentAuthorMrs (Dove) Pidgeon
How old are they? Are you the first other partner, or has there been a few?
Now a extremely happy German housewife and now a Mother!!!!
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CommentAuthorx~Hails~x
edited
My H2B hasnt got any children from a previous relationship so i have no idea on this. But saying that I have 2 children from my ex husband. When h2b met them they were 5 and 8 and it wasnt for 5 months after we started dating that they first met. Having children with an ex and them meeting the new partner is very difficult for the child, no matter the age! Yes for you too but its the child that has to be taken into consideration, after all they have only ever known mummy and daddy not mummy and daddy and daddy's fiance. Meeting them three times in two years is no basis for any relationship, so my advice is sit down with your h2b and tell him you need to build a relationship with them and they only way to do that is to meet them REGULARY! He must have access to them ie daily visits, weekend stayovers, so when he does, make sure you are there two and get to know them and them you. They hate you because they dont know you, so make them know you, you'll get there, it just takes time. GOOD LUCK!
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CommentAuthorUnknown
they are 13 and 10. the eldest isnt actaully his. he has brought her up since she was a couple of months old and calls him dad tho. the biological dad she calls by his first name.
He has had one other girlfriend before me and she only met them a few of times too in about 5/6 years. He sees them once or twice a week at his ex's house. they have never stayed for the weekend. they dont like coming to our flat as they say it small and smelly. Yes it is small but by no means smelly or untidy. i am constantly cleaning!
This is the only subject we argue about and it drives me mad. I have tried talking to him and said to him the only way i will get to know them and vise versa is if me see each other regulary but all he says is "give it time they hardly speak to me when i see them".
I have tried to be patient but cant go on like for another 2 years. xx
CommentAuthorUnknown
UPDATE! well last night we had another row about them. i said that i have given it nearly 2 years of being patient and i am fed up with them being rude to me. he is their dad and should tell them their behaviour is unacceptable.
His response: he doesnt think i should see them at the moment. i have to wait till they are older! he said that the last time i saw them even tho they didnt say hello when i said hi to them i should still have made more of an effort (bearing in mind i was all over the place as i had a miscarriage less than 2 weeks before)
he said it was the same as his ex they didnt talk to her and i said well doesnt that prove that you need to change how you let them behave them and he just said no...it means maybe i'm better on my own!!
This sounds like a riciculous situation, the children are old enough to deal with new relationships and the fact your h2b thinks you should wait until they are older doesn't make sense to me. If anything the fact that the children probably know this is the case is only going to cause there to be ill feeling permanently, like you are something to be avoided! And as for you making more of an effort, you had just gone through something terrible and also if my children had been rude to an adult I would be chastising my child not the adult saying they should make more effort! I wish you all the luck in the world and hope he listens to you, if he loves you, he needs to respect the way you feel and make some kind of compromise, 2 years is too long! xxx
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CommentAuthorUnknown
Thanks. it far too long. i hav tried so many times and told him that at 11 and 13 got the youngest age wrong forgot she just had her birthday that they are old enough to understand. He never tells them off when he sees them for something wrong. when i was a child i was made to say hello and goodbye to someone. its just common decency!
He doesnt want a bad word said about them which i can understand but i just feel that i am only half his life and not allowed to enter the other.xx
CommentAuthorx~Hails~x
Sorry i find this whole thing ridicolous! Them treating you badly is just a reflection of how your fiance is treating you. They are kids and at the end of the day they take there cue from their parents....if he wont allow you to see them of course they are going to think, hang on dad wont let us see her, why??? Hmmm maybe she horriable and treat you as such. After two years of dating and they have seen you twice, something is NOT right? If they were younger MAYBE i would understand but they are practically teenagers so should be able to handle their parents new relationships and he only see's them round there house, why??? Does their mum have a boyfriend? As for him saying maybe hes better on his own, i would have been VERY annoyed if my fiance had said that to me. This whole situation screams at me that something is very wrong in your relationship and im sorry to say there's too.
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For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart
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CommentAuthorEmsy5000
sounds like he does not want to deal with the situation because he can't cope with the inevitable conflict. they are old enough to deal with the fact that he has a life and has you. they have to be at least told they have to be polite letting them treat you this way is not part of bringing them up to be responsible understanding adults. he needs to man up in my opinion.
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CommentAuthorboo
Hailstone is right. I was due to get married to my daughters father years ago but I called it off about 3 weeks before the wedding when I finally realised the relationship between him and my son (who was about 9 at the time) was never going to be a good one.
Can't wait to be Mrs Foster 21/06/2012 :D
I'll be 9 when I get married....
CommentAuthorGregorysGirl
Totally agree with Hails, if he won't let them see you they will think it is for a good reason when really it is because he for some reason wants to keep you seperate from that and you just can't live that way, your self esteem will take a knock for it, and the fact that he thinks he maybe should be on his own shows how much he really cares. You are too good for someone like this and I would send him packing saying that to me, it will always be niggling at you and will cause such unhappiness for you now and in the longrun. Big hugs. xx
Finally reunited with the love of my life
Never to part again
This Saturday I will finally be Mrs Codling!
CommentAuthorUnknown
thanks everyone. i think that i will sit down and really try talking to him and get to undertstand my opinion. Hails-the reason he only seems them at their house is becuase his ex did stop him seeing them altogther as they said they didnt want to see him. he now occasionally takes them out to the harvister or cinema but they always have to take a friend each or he says they wont go. Their mum did have a boyfriend but h2b told me last night that they arnt together any more. i was very upset when he said that last night about being on his own. he has agreed that his last relationship failed partly due to the children and i have told him that ours will too if things dont change.
I really do love him and want to be with him more than anything but i know the situation isnt right.
xx
CommentAuthorGregorysGirl
Well I hope everything really works out for you. Sounds like he is opening up about it, and is maybe scared of not being able to see his kids again and walking on eggshells with the mother, but just went the wrong way about it. The kids sounds horrid and know they can walk all over their father or they can just refuse to see him and that would break his heart. Maybe you should be glad you don't have anything to do with such horrible people, and it will be down to both parents (but mainly the mother) as to their attitude being so awful. Good luck again, xx
Finally reunited with the love of my life
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This Saturday I will finally be Mrs Codling!
CommentAuthorSoon2beMrsHall
Sorry i am not in this situation but from the sounds of it you are going to get worse before it gets better nxt time he sees the kids sit them all down and tell them how you feel they are old enough to understand.
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CommentAuthorUnknown
thansk. i never thought kids could be so horrible. even h2b sisters and their kids never see or hear from them! Will let you all know how i get on xx
CommentAuthorGregorysGirl
Kids are only horrible if one of their parents are horrible or bitter. I am so glad I am not with the father of my eldest 2 children because it scares me to think of how they would have turned out with his twisted influence. The fact that other family members don't get to see them either just shows the mother up as being a horrible woman and now she has passed that onto her children. Such a shame. Look forward to hearing how it all works out for you hun. xxx
Finally reunited with the love of my life
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This Saturday I will finally be Mrs Codling!
CommentAuthorloubyscooby
Blending families is difficult but consistancy, contact, communication and patience really is the key. You mentioned in your first post that you had spoken to his ex so maybe its time for the 3 of you to sit down and work out how you can all sort this out together. If he takes them out for a meal, why dont you go too? Yes kids can be manipulative but only as much as parents allow them so your h2b has to take some responsibility here. It is silly to allow this to continue as when they are older they will not have to do what their parents want and what will happen when you both have kids together (sorry about the miscarriage) This has dragged on for too long so needs sorting before the wedding or you will always have this hanging over you. It can work and work well, my ex's son is the only one I still speak to from that family so good luck x
CommentAuthorKerrylou
I've been in a situation (with my daughter's dad) where there was a child from a previous marriage. At first me and Sam got on really well then his mum poisoned him against me and the relationship turned very sour. Sadly Sam and I were never able to overcome the divide until I left his dad. Like your OH Steve wouldn't tackle the subject and ultimately it was a huge contributing factor of our break up. Sam felt desparately unstable too, at the tender age of 3 he had watched his parents cheat on each other and split up and he didn't know what to make of his dad having a new partner. In this relationship it's me with a child and to start with Honey adored Ross, then she started being the incarnate of evil with him so I talked to her, even at 4 years old she knew her own mind and emotions bless her. Because she'd experienced the rather rocky relationship I had with her dad and then went through the hideous break up we had she felt so insecure and honestly believed that Ross would do what her dad did and I would end up leaving him too.
Those children need reassurance, it doesn't matter what age they are, if they are still dependant children then they need to know that you and their dad are solid and they won't have to go through yet another messy break up. Kids won't bond unless they know they're secure so if your H2B has already had a failed relationship since their mother and their mother has had a failed relationship then they'll be sat waiting for this one to go belly up too. It's not their fault and it certainly isn't your fault and the person that needs to provide reassurance is their dad.
Sorry for being so blunt but he needs to get his head out from the sand and make sure his kids feel safe and secure with you, keeping them away isn't a solution and he needs to tackle this before it destroys their confidence in you and your relationship.
I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage, can't even begin to imagine how lousy you must be feeling. You need support from your H2B right now, not this level of ridiculousness. I hope it all works out for you HUGE HUGS xxx
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CommentAuthorUnknown
loubyscooby: I went once for a meal for them, that was the first time i met them and seemed to be getting on ok as it was the first time i had met them. since then when he has been taking them out and i ask he says not this time or there isnt room in the car cos they take a friend each. On this particular day we dropped them off to his ex who was in a pub she came to the car and i looked at her to say hello and she turned her back and walked off.
The time i did speak to her, i explained my point of view, how it was important to get to know them and i really do want to get on with them and she said that wasnt a problem, but then h2b was round her house and they started argeuing about me, she made up horrible things about me and said it all in front of the kids!
Kerry-lou: i have told him that if it isnt resolved then i cant go on like this for another 2 years and it is likely to ruin our realtionship. i totally agree that he needs to take his head out the sand and deal with it. even if i saw them once a month it would be something and we would get to know them, but he doesnt have set days and times either. it is whenever they are around and his ex replies to him or answers her phone. they arnt even coming to the wedding.xx
CommentAuthorUnknown
update: so we spoke last night about them when we were doing the guest list and i asked if they were going to be there. they have said no they dont want to come. he then said that he asked them if they wanted to be bridesmaids and they said no to that aswll. glad they did tho cos i wouldnt want them.
he said he isnt stopping me seeing them but they dotn want to see me apparently when i met the mum i was rude to her and am a horrible person. i would love to know what i said that was rude and horrible so she has now told the kids im not nice which is why they dont want to know me.
doesnt look like it will ever be sorted...looks like i will just have to live with it xx
CommentAuthorGregorysGirl
Thought the mother had something to do with it, misplaced loyalty and all that. I just hope that your h2b stands by you if problems arise, yes they are his children and are important to him but he needs to be open with you and stand up for you if falsities come up. It is their loss clearly and as you say you wouldn't have wanted them there anyway, just rude! :) xx
Finally reunited with the love of my life
Never to part again
This Saturday I will finally be Mrs Codling!
CommentAuthorUnknown
i have decided that it is easier just to accept the situation than let it upet me all the time. i was going to go see his ex but i dont think that will make much difference.
he normally sees them when i am at work so just going to try and ignore it as got wound up at weekend again. he gives his ex £180 month and she has asked him to pay half the horse riding lessons the daughter is taking so thats another £65 month!!
Its the only thing we row about so just going to ingore the whole situation!! xx
