I'm getting married next year and I have a problem with one of the main wedding party members. Basically, me and my brother were very close growing up and I asked him to give me away since my 'father' left when I was 7 and I want nothing to do with him. He said yes and was emotional about me offering.
Well, he had a fight with my mother a few years ago and hasn't been talking to her since. I bet you're thinking 'OK, what does this have to do with you', right? Well, for some reason he's stopped talking to me too and I don't know why.
I haven't seen him now in over a year, he's changed his number, his wife has changed her number, he ignores my phone calls to his home phone and they are ignoring my messages on Facebook. My sister is in touch with him and doesn't understand why either. My fiance has even tried messaging them both in an attempt to find out what's going on, but we've had no answers and recent messages to his wife about the hen do have been read, but ignored.
Options tried:
Phoning his home phone Mobile (But it's not the right number anymore) Leaving answerphone messages Facebook messages Messages over Steam (Online gaming) Letter
Any advice on what to do? I want him to give me away, but how can he if this keeps up? I don't want to change who gives me away because it could cause another stink in the family. I'm going out of my mind here.
CommentAuthorGlitterfairy
Did I read it right that your sister is in touch with him? Maybe she could sit down with m and find out what's bothering him. Either that or is it possible your mum said something regarding you both? Seems strange he's stopped talking to you since then.
Or just turn up at his house
Our wedding day - 6 October 2012
CommentAuthorFlossie
You've tried loads of things and if he's still not replying to you then I think you might have to accept that he doesn't want to respond and therefore won't be walking you down the aisle. If he stops speaking to you completely randomly without even an explanation as to why, then why does he even deserve to still walk you down the aisle?! Seems very strange. Like GF said, maybe your sister could have a chat with him and get some answers? x
Happily married
18th June 2016
xx
CommentAuthorMyranny
I'm of the same opinion as Flossie. To literally cut you out without a word for over a year? No matter how close I was to my brother when we were kids (and I have a little brother, who I am close with, so I do understand) if he did that to me, I would not be wanting him to walk me down the aisle. It's... bizarre.
Maybe write a letter saying how this has made you feel, and ask your sister to take it over to him and sit down with him to find out what happened. I would see if you can somehow reconcile whatever is going on that way, but if not... I mean... are you not angry with him and his wife for the way they've treated you? I know that I would be xx
CommentAuthormichgib
Its very strange that this has happened. Personally I think I would be looking for someone else to walk me down the aisle.
this sounds so odd :s you need to get your sister to just ask him outright.
Personally, id be fuming by now. just turn up on the door step and find out why they are behaving like children
Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey
*Kelbel* is my wedding twinny!
CommentAuthorElizabethF49
Id turn up at his front door and have it out with him find out whats happened for him to ignore you all of a sudden
After 7 years and 11 months he proposed to me 18.10.13
Our son is 5 years old and our world
Getting married 15.08.15.
Life hasnt been easy but we have each other :)
CommentAuthorVictoriaL46
Like everyone else has pretty much said I would seriously reconsider having him walk you down the aisle. It is bizarre that he has dropped out of communication and I personally don't buy the excuse that he also doesn't know why. There is always a reason whether it be someone saying something and he is listening to rumour or if he genuinely just doesn't want to be in contact with the family anymore due to stress but nothing personally against you.
I would defintely speak to your sister about having a sit down and chat with him or getting her to organise a day the three of you can sit down and discuss whats going on and if he wishes to continue with no communcation then fine, at least you would know why.
Met in Nov 2005
Engaged 13th June 2013
Becomes Mrs Stewart on 10th Aug 2015 Honeymoon in Florida!
My Diary Thread: My Alice in Wonderland Wedding Diary
CommentAuthorInDreamland
Oh my goodness, how very odd. I agree with everything everyone else has said already. Hope you can sort this out or at least get some answers x
Married the love of my life on Saturday 11th May 2013 xxx
Had our dream perfect honeymoon in Hawaii!
CommentAuthorMrs Richardson 2B x
I would just go to his house! I mean, you want to know what's up and he's not responding to any other form of contact right, but how can he ignore you when you are standing on his doorstep? Don't completely count him out untill you've done that because at least then you know you tried absolutely everything you could to fix what has happened. Good luck sweets xx
Found my soulmate & bestfriend 23/08/2011
Got engaged 23/08/2012
And I become Mrs Richardson 11/10/2017
CRAZY EXCITED!!!!!xx
CommentAuthorBaker2Be
I would go to his house and demand some answers or try asking your sister if she can find out whats going on with him. Good Luck x
3rd January 2015 I said yes to being your wife
10th September 2016 we will make it official
CommentAuthorMelty Cat
Thanks for the comments guys. It's a big help.
Me and my Mom are best friends, so I know she wouldn't have said or done anything against me. As for my sister, she is only in touch (The term is used very loosely) because her hubby teaches the karate class they are part of. They only really talk to him and it's usually over the phone. My sister actually told me that they rarely see them too and that they ignore their calls a lot, but what gets me is that she said they visited them the other week because they thought they better had since they'd been trying to get in touch.
I don't really want to put my sister under too much pressure as she's currently going through a very hard time and is suffering with very bad anxiety.
I know he travels a heck of a lot with work, but his Mrs is left at home when he goes usually and she's never been the type to ignore my calls and texts. But she has been since I've seen she has read them when I've sent them.
I have been tempted to show up on his doorstep, but it's timing it right since he works silly hours/is away a lot. Plus he's actually raged at me for doing that sort of thing before. :/
I'm hurt more than angry. I just want a reason. Even if it's an answer to tell me to go away and leave him alone at least it's something.
CommentAuthorGlitterfairy
Personally I think then you have done all you can do. By the sounds of it, after the argument with your mum he has decided to cut all ties with his family for some reason. Hard for you as you don't know why and would like to know why. What was the fight about? Do you know? I know you've tried everything, was wondering if you've mentioned that with the wedding coming up you still want him give you away and would like to know if he still wants to have this roll. If he makes no contact after that, I think you need to face it that he's not willing to and find someone else.
Our wedding day - 6 October 2012
CommentAuthorMelty Cat
edited
Basically my mother had suffered a break up and was going through depression, anxiety AND the menopause. He'd put her up for so many days and I'd have her the other days at my place as she had no place to live. One night she'd had a bit to drink and they argued and she basically told him to leave her be, I told him to leave her be and he went and acted confrontational anyway. She ended up yelling at him and telling him he sounded like his father because of his authoritative tone and he brought her here and the rest is history.
That was some years ago now though and she's balanced out hormonally, has herself a nice stable relationship and has found anxiety/depression meds that work.
As for telling him I want him to be part of it still, I have. That was part of the message I sent recently that was ignored again. :/
The other thing I find a bit hurtful is that he's back in contact with Dad. A person who was physically abusive, a rapist and pervert. (I won't go into detail, but let's just say childhood up until he moved out was not good.) He even went to his wedding recently! He can go to a nasty individual (who treated him horribly and called him all the names under the sun) from his past's wedding and be in touch with him, but can't even call me...
CommentAuthorGlitterfairy
I know it sounds harsh and not nice, but I think he's forgot the family he has, and it's time to move on then. If he's not willing to be a part of your day when you want him to be, then forget him as well. Stop th contact with him, don't try to call or write a letter or send any messages of any kind. That could work two ways, it could stay the same as it is now or he could suddenly realise that you've moved on and he may contact you.
Our wedding day - 6 October 2012
CommentAuthorGlitterfairy
I hope whichever way it goes, you'll find peace, sorry meant to add that onto the end of previous post.
Our wedding day - 6 October 2012
CommentAuthorMelty Cat
Thanks.
Yeah, it'd be nice to get answers. I'm just on edge because if I change who gives me away it could get even more stinky.
A couple of years ago he got all angry at me for apparently 'not bothering with them' despite constant attempts from me to contact them. He even accused me of not bothering with his Mrs' birthday, despite the fact that we'd tried to get in touch to see what their plans were and in desperation had no choice but to mail a card. (Which apparently didn't arrive. ) Plus we never got invited to her party so we couldn't have been involved anyway. Argh!
Seems like I can't win either way. Lol.
CommentAuthorGlitterfairy
I'm in a similar predicament. In 2008 my brother passed away, we all had busy lives, I then started college and my training, so when I got time off I needed to spend it with my children, however last year my sil kicked off saying how we never bothered with her (did not matter that her mum sent people away when they called), how she wanted answers about his death and so did the kids (he took his own life). I pointed out that I did not have the answers to those questions, nobody does. After a short while she came round to things we started chatting and spent time together as a family. Then before Christmas my step dad got really poorly and was in hospital, she kicked off as nobody told her, my sister only found out by chance the day before her, I found out on the day as I had called mum to see if they wanted to come to my daughters Xmas show. She then blurted it on Facebook that she is done with the family and that she should have been told. I personally felt that my step dad's children were the ones who were to be told first before anyone else. Since then I've tried making contact with her and getting her and the kids together but she says no. I messaged her yesterday as well asking if they all wanted to meet next week when hubby is djing at the social club, she's not replied. It's a situation where when I try she ignores, then when I don't she moans.
Our wedding day - 6 October 2012
CommentAuthorMelty Cat
Yes! Exactly! Argh. It's so frustrating.
I hope you get your situation sorted soon, it looks like I'm in for the long haul with this one. X_X;;
CommentAuthorInDreamland
Wise words and advice from GF xxx
Married the love of my life on Saturday 11th May 2013 xxx
Had our dream perfect honeymoon in Hawaii!
CommentAuthorLouiseyweesey
I think what I would do is to send one last message to him, saying something along the lines of you have tried to contact him with no luck, you are there if he wants to get in touch and it would be lovely to have him there on your big day if he would like to be there. Then just leave him to it and let him come to you - it sounds like you've done everything you can to be honest. Leave the ball in his court I would :-) Would your mum be willing to walk you down the aisle? Hope it gets sorted though, sounds a really tough one to be in :-( xxxx
CommentAuthorMelty Cat
Done. So far it's being ignored again. :/ By both of them.
I guess we shall see what happens. I don't expect much though.
CommentAuthorGlitterfairy
You've done all you can to build bridges, that's all you can do
Our wedding day - 6 October 2012
CommentAuthorMelty Cat
Update: Still being ignored. The messages have been seen, but no response. The Mister has tried to and got ignored.
They have even stopped me from viewing their FB profiles now. I don't even...
CommentAuthorGlitterfairy
Sorry to hear this,
Our wedding day - 6 October 2012
CommentAuthorMelty Cat
I'm still in tears at the moment. I just saw an update from my sister's husband saying him and my sister are going to see the new Avengers movie with my brother and his wife.
I just give up.
CommentAuthorGlitterfairy
This might sound harsh, but sounds like he is trying to rub it in your face they are still in contact.
Our wedding day - 6 October 2012
CommentAuthorFlossie
I agree. They knew by putting it on FB that you would see it.
Happily married
18th June 2016
xx
CommentAuthorMelty Cat
I wouldn't put it past him to be honest... It had crossed my mine too.
CommentAuthorJR2015
This is awful, how horrible for you! :(
I thnink you've tried your best now and clearly there is nothing you can do, if it was me I would just leave them to it and concentrate on your wedding planning. He doesnt even deserve to be invited IMO, let alone walk you down the aisle!
Something similar happened in our family a few years ago, my step sister (same dad) suddenly stopped talking to us one day. This was around 5 years ago. It was like she disappeared off the face of the earth, my mum and dad tried for ages to sort things out, without even knowing what (if anything) they had done wrong, to no avail. She ignored emails, letters, cards etc. I was really angry at the time at they way she was treating my parents, and in the end we all decided that enough was enough and that we had to just move on. SO that was that and she lives her life and we live ours, we will probably never know what her problem is but it's best all around this way. The sad thing is that my dad is seriously ill at the moment and if anything happened to him, I am pretty sure she would regret the way she'd treated him. She knows he is unwell and has still made no effort to get in touch, which just illustrates even further how selfish she is.
CommentAuthorInDreamland
Oh no I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. How horrible.
What is his problem! ?
Married the love of my life on Saturday 11th May 2013 xxx
Had our dream perfect honeymoon in Hawaii!
I am sorely tempted. But I fear he won't even answer the door. Last year when my Nan passed away my mother actually had to post a note through his door because he refused to answer calls, texts and open the door. (Despite it being obvious he was in.)
CommentAuthorVelcro
he sounds like a proper d1ck head. id be round there sat on the doorstep every day til i eventually confronted the brat.
he sounds like a petulant little boy, and what is with the facebook thing about the avengers? id of embarassed them and posted something publicly on it about the situation
Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey
*Kelbel* is my wedding twinny!
CommentAuthorMelty Cat
edited
Well, still being ignored. Yet I just logged onto the book of faces to see said sister-in-law (Wife of my brother) commenting on my sister's posts. :/
Yup. I officially give up. I have exhausted every option.
CommentAuthorVelcro
has your sister not asked them what their problem is? id be kicking his head in i would
Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey
*Kelbel* is my wedding twinny!
CommentAuthormichgib
Oh big hugs to you
CommentAuthorMyranny
At this point, if it were me (and I might be a tad more aggressive than some...) I'd be posting a status on Facebook tagging them both in it, saying all the avenues you've tried and you don't know what you've done wrong, if anything, for them to stop talking to you and you'd like an explanation.
Or, I'd call it quits. I don't understand if he's spending time with your sister, why she hasn't tried to find out for you.
Family can be such b@st@rds sometimes. He definitely doesn't deserve to be involved in your wedding. :( xx
CommentAuthorMelty Cat
I'm wondering if my sister knows something, but doesn't feel it's her place to say anything.
But, like I say, I don't want to put on her, as she's going through a rough patch with depression and anxiety as it is without the stress of this (Which technically has nothing to do with her) on top as well.
I was actually going to do the whole public FB message thing, but I was advised against it as it could be deemed as 'childish'. At this point though, I don't think I care too much about how it's viewed.
I DID reply to the message I mentioned in my last post to show that I was aware that they were posting. And I know she checks it every day, since she has it on her phone and every time I send a PM it's almost instantly marked as read.
