Wedding Forum - What to do? What to feel?...

So I'm now in countdown to our wedding in April. I'm the only daughter, and have a younger brother. My partner and I have been together for 8 years almost. We always wanted a traditional wedding, in the the uk with all our friends and family, and as such have approx 80/140 guests day/eve. We budgeted for £15,000. Excluding dress, accessories and honeymoon, which I'm paying for. My other halls parents have only recently offered to give us £5000 towards the wedding which is a massive help.

So my mother a few years ago, having always been a diabetic, and had numerous health problems had a gastric bypass. She has never comfort eaten, and has always eaten healthily. But her weight s causing further health problems so she had the op (she also had her jaws wired together to try and loose weight and in 3 months of only drinking liquids only lost a stone). She has gone onto loose about 10 stone, and has also now nada. Breast reduction! She has done amazingly well.

However she is now left with excess skin, approx 4 stone, a big 'pregnant' tummy, which is no longer hidden by her boobs, and this is due to her stomach muscles separating when she had my brother 24years ago. Also a hernia.... She hates shopping, and is dreading the wedding as she has nothing to wear. She hates her figure and wants to hide. And won't go shopping...

I feel really bad trying to help her and push her to find an outfit. Time is running out, and I'm worried she'll look the week before the wedding and settle for something she hates!

My brother has Asperger's syndrome. He is really hard to deal with. We wanted to ask him to be an usher, and be involved, and originally sounded my parents out to see if we should ask, if he'd like to be involved, and more importantly if he can handle it. They said yes, and spoke to him about it before we had definatly made the decision to ask! It was difficult at the time.

My brother is a very tall large bloke, due to comfort eating and his disabilities not helping him socialise, excercise and understand diets, food consumption and exercise.

Anyhow, my brother has in there last few weeks recently tried to take an overdose. He is severly depressed about my family situation at home with my grandmother (it's very difficult and a long story but she is making my mums and dads lives hell!)

He's been diagnosed with severe depression, and the drs won't give him antidepressants as he can't be trusted to take them... He has now pulled out of being an usher as he can't handle it. He doesn't want to look fat in the pictures, and saying he doesn't want to be there at all is the feeling I get.

He storms out the room when I talk about the wedding which isn't often, and I've had my mum and dad ask me to stop talking about it...things are ally owing together and wedding plans are picking up pace... I need to talk about it... And when ever I'm at my parents he is there so I can't avoid it.

I currently am so stressed. There is no way I am going to change the wedding, as it's what we both want. But I'm so worried and concerned about my mum, dad, and brother, who are all suffering depression. There is nothing I and do. I feel like this should be such a happy time for us all, yet all I feel is that I'm putting everyone out. And on the day I'm certain, my brother will want to leave, which means my parents will want to go and look after him. It's really cutting me deep, I just don't know what to do, how I can help, who to turn to.

My partner is a rock and he's stuck for suggestions, I've told him how upset I am, but I don't know what to do... You ladies always give good advice, what would you do?

I'm concerned that on our wedding day, my family is going to hate being there, being he centre of attention, being photographed, and being in crowds of people, many they don't know as they keep themselves to themselves...

Arrrrgh ;-(

Sandy, my mum is his carer. Unfortunately he doesn't really have any friends, and the venue doesn't have accommodation on I site. It's about 1 hour from mum and dad's house, and my parents aren't likely to stay closer to the venue overnight due to costs.

He should have a social worker, but they have dropped out, and we are struggling to get him another one. Even if my brother went with his 'supportive friend' he has, if he goes my mum and dad always pander to him. And I know they'll want to be with him. It's such a pain? I was on cloud nine yesterday as my dress had come in, and now I've had all of this as a result of talking about the fitting with my dad and brother present, and the menus that had come through

I'll have a look at the link though, thank you x

My brother has AS and depression too, and had a similar suicide situation. I know how changes to routines can have a negative impact on him, and i've not asked him to be involved in the wedding as I've not wanted to put him in an awkward spot - its just the way he is and wouldn't want to do anything 'high profile' but he'll be involved in other ways.
Perhaps take him for a day trip to your venue, so he can see where it is, what it's like - ask him for suggestions as to where you should put your flowers etc - a more a 'behind the scenes, yet helping his sister' kind of role. Or even helping choose your cake - maybe anything that doesn't involve being in the limelight on the day.
but if he really doens't want to be involved, then I don't think you should try to force him - it might make him more stressed out and really unhappy on the build up to your wedding.
sounds like Congnitive Behavioural Therapy should be something he should be asking his doctors for - a way to identify stress triggers for him and find ways to deal with them, rather than doping up on antidepressants which can makes you feel just as bad or worse with a constant head fog and feeling sick.
Have you got a friend or colleague you can trust to be your brothers chauffeur for the day?

As for your mum, is there maybe a way you could get her a pretty accessory for Christmas/birthday/just because/mothers day (latter might be leaving it late) that you could suggest would look lovely with ________ (insert description/picture of nice outfit you think might suit her, and is her favourite colour, here)

Could you take your brother out to the venue before the wedding ... And while there take photos of him in various places .. Ceremony room,reception room , in the grounds etc ... This can be useful as then on the run up he could look at the pictures and see himself there ...so it becomes familiar to him

Thanks ladies for your suggestions. My brothers concerns don't seem to be so much with the venue, but more about the number of people there at the wedding. He is depressed about his size, which unfortunately there isn't any hiding. I have suggested joining a slimming club with him to help his morale, and also gym classes, but he won't go anywhere where there might be other people that will see him exercise... And given that regardless of whether or not he is an usher he is the brides brother and will be in lots of photos.

Re my mum, she's really stressed trying to keep the house together... Lots of family problems with her mother that lives with them, that is also stressing my brother and father, but absolutely nothing can be done... They own a house together. I've had a look at some websites and found some lovely outfits I've taken pictures of for my mum, but I don't want to approach the subject, say she's said it's really horrible trying on outfits and they all look horrible on you.

I'm happy for my brother to step down as an usher, after all this was an original concern. I'm more worried that he won't cope with the day itself, and if he can't cope I guarantee my parents will be all over him... They always are when he is unsettled.

I unfortunately don't have any other relatives or friends to call on. My parents are only children. One grandmother will not now be invited to the wedding, due to the family problems she's caused, and my other one is coming, and can help my bro, but I don't know how long she will be staying.

My brother also only has one friend, who is a right weird one, I've thought of inviting him to the evening do to help my brother, but my partner doesn't like him, as he is so weird! But equally my brother is always falling in and out of friends with him.

I really wish I could talk to my mum and dad about how stressed it's making me, but I know it will be turns around that I'm making it all about me.

I too have suffered from depression, and I know exactly what my mum and dad are going through with it. However my brothers depression is on another scale, and the doctors are not helping at all at the moment.

God knows how it'll all be at Christmas!