Right.. so there a few things I need to get off my chest and quite frankly the only person I can tell it to is my H2B. I know he is the most important, but I just need to get these things out there to other people to see what you all think..
So firstly, my parents are paying for the venue of our wedding. Which accounts to half the budget, me and H2B are paying the other half. But so far, i've had a couple of rows now with my parents on things like Who is invited to the wedding. For example there are a lot of friends we don't have coming to our wedding to keep the numbers down, and price of course. Yet it has become an issue that my parents want Cousins boyfriends and girlfriends that we have never even met (nor know their names!) to the sit down meal (which is £85 EACH over the set amount of 60guests, we're on 80!) & I quote "Because we're paying for it, we choose who comes to the sit down".. But we have friends that we would love to be there & have to choose people we don't know over them? Its really getting us down that we don't have this choice! When suggesting we have the family's partners and also the rest of our friends, its a big fat no "because it will end up costing too much". I really wish we had waited another year and paid for it ourselves had I known it wouldn't be the way we wanted!
Secondly, the same matter - parents paying for the venue. So i've started making my invites, when I got a grouchy parent lean over my shoulder and say "No it shouldn't say 'you are invited to the wedding of.'. it should say 'Mr & Mrs "surname" invite you to their daughters wedding'.. Because we're paying for it"... NO ACTUALLY. We are forking out just as much as them! & that way, it looks like it is hosted by them and they have paid for the whole wedding and our thousands have pounds have gone un-noticed. "Tradition" to be written in the card or not, we wanted it just to say what I wrote originally.. They also said the RSVP has to have their details.. not ours like I had written. "Because they're paying for it". It is never ending. We have to have children to our wedding when originally it was adults only, because we was made to by my parents. I know some people wont like that we didn't really want children, but we wanted to keep it as simple as possible for the day. Now it is far from simple!
THIRDLY. My brother got engaged last week, hasn't been with his girlfriend for even a year (not that that's wrong) but he is 10 years older than me and thinks now is the best time to get married after all this time (hes 34!) .. & has booked the wedding with less then two months time after ours! He has had long term relationships in the past with no engagement.. but within a few months with this girlfriend, he decides to get married around the same time as us! Im just thinking after all his lifetime he picks now to get married to a girl we barely know :( I just feel like the spark has already been taken from us as it is literally ALL the family talks about. With my mother even saying to my brother about looking forward to his wedding - "Well once theirs is out the way", referring to our wedding!!! Its almost now as if our wedding is a burden on his, when we have been planning it since Nov 2012 & the wedding is April 2014! Im happy for them, but sad too.. When he said "i'll let you have next year for your big day first" .. I didn't expect it to be even IN the same year let alone a month and a bit later! :/
Even if I mention any of these to my family, I will be deemed as "Ungrateful" for my parents paying for the venue. I will also be told to "stop being silly/jealous" if I mentioned my brother getting married so soon to us. My parents really are lovely and I love them to bits.. but they are driving me INSANE with this wedding planning! We even had a "meeting" the other evening to "check over" mine & H2B's guestlist and seating plan, and I quote "To make sure its correct" & if my parents "should make any changes if they think people we chose are unsuitable" I love them but they need to let us breathe & do this. I feel like I am a 12 year old girl whos parents are organising a birthday party for!
Help me, Yours signed. Miss Slowly-Losing-Her-Mind.
CommentAuthorThe-Future-Mrs-B
Don't really know what to say, this would make me feel like I was suffocating and I would want to tell them to back-off even if it meant losing their contribution and I then had to make alternative plans, how much would your budget be without their contribution ?,
CommentAuthorSuzieS
yes you are a bridezilla
CommentAuthorNataliesoon2bMitchel
Oh no sounds like you are up the wall! I would take the time to speak to your parents and tell them how grateful you are for their contribution and input however you feel as though the day has become about them and not you and your H2B and they are making what should be the happiest experience of your life into a miserable one. If that fails maybe drop a few remarks like I feel like cancelling this wedding and eloping... It would be less stressful etc.
Maybe they have just got caught up in the moment and dont realise how they are making you feel. x
CommentAuthor*The NewMrsMalin*
Wow; ok it is generous for them to pay for venue but that does not necessarily give them the right to decide who can and can't come as it is not THEIR wedding! What's the point of having people you don't know there as it will be awkward for both of you. You should be able to invite who you want within reason of course as you understandably have a budget to stick to. Plus £85 per head for people you don't know!
I'd sit them down and talk to them about how you and your h2b feel; tell them that you are very grateful that they are paying for the venue but you feel like you are being suffocated and they are taking the fun out of planning a wedding and the freedom.
As for the snide comments; I'd just try and ignore them.
It is kind of selfish for your brother to plan his wedding straight after yours especially when he knew when yours was; it is not like you both accidently booked the same year; I guess there isn't much you can do about it though so try not to let it bother you :(
Met in 2009
Got together on12th May 2011, proposed on the 12th May 2013
When you get knocked down; smile and pick yourself up again!
Fight for what you believe in!
I would sit your mum and dad down and explain to them how you both appreciate the "GIFT" that they have given you. However as it is a gift you believe you should be able to use it as your h2b see fit. Hope it rights itself. X
CommentAuthorAmy
Thanks Suzanne ;)
They realise how I feel.. I have been drawn to tears the last time I said "But there are friends who we could invite but haven't, especially when there are people that we don't know being bought up". They said I was being "extremely immature" about this wedding & would not listen. Only mentioning the fact "But we're paying for it". I got so angry I was in floods of tears & had to go out for a walk with H2B to calm myself.. They're reply when I was buying Always Pads a few days later was "Ohhh, That explains your over-acting actions the other day then".. SERIOUSLY?! No it was the fact they bought me to tears! But they wont see it as that, they think i'm over reacting & cant see its THEM who made me cry!
OH I forgot to mention - WE MOVED BACK IN WITH THEM! So it literally is SUFFOCATING. It was the only way to save for a house AND a wedding. So I think this is also why they see me as a little girl, because we live back home again with them. But it doesn't make sense to take control of our day, we are highly capable of doing so. But because of this we have booked everything else ourselves & only tell them once its booked! Just because we know they will have something to say about it & that it HAS to be done their way.
But the invites really was the highest point of anger ive felt so far, because ive paid for the invites! Again I said "if it really matters that much to you, ill write it that way" to keep the peace in hopes that they wont ask for anything else. But my reply was "Well yes because if your going to do it, you atleast have to do it right". ARGH!!!!!!
CommentAuthor*The NewMrsMalin*
Wow that really does suck and to accuse you of over reacting because of that is stupid; you have every right to be miserable and angry :(
Met in 2009
Got together on12th May 2011, proposed on the 12th May 2013
When you get knocked down; smile and pick yourself up again!
Fight for what you believe in!
CommentAuthorSuzieS
p.s I didn't know all of this stuff about m&d saying all of these things :[ and You already know you are not a bridezilla. Just sucks that your brother decided to do it after yours. Love you amies xx
CommentAuthorSonya
I think you need to try and have a sit down with your parents and calmly explain to them how this is getting to you. I personally would go down the route for the meal that your really only want people there that you know and that mean a lot to you so although your cousins are welcome you feel inviting their partners doesn't really fit that requirement.
As for the invites I think you just need to put your foot down but again explain to them the reasons why and that you just prefer the invites to be worded the way you like.
Regarding your brother's wedding, yes I can kind of see why it might bother someone but personally I think you just need to concentrate on your day and the rest of your lives together. It is afterall just one day compared with spending the rest of your lives together and 2 months down the line nobody but you and h2b will still be thinking about your day and that's how it should be
Became Mrs Mulholland on September 12th 2014!!!
CommentAuthorFernP61
I don't think your being unreasonable at all ok it's nice they are forking out for the wedding but its YOUR WEDDING! Your mum is acting as if its hers! She shouldn't be dictating to you to who can/can't go and telling you what to write on the invites! If you want your friends there are you in a situation where you can pay the extra for them? As for having people there you've never met uh uh that's unreasonable I feel for you x
CommentAuthorMrsH-2B
Wow, my parents are paying for our venue food drink etc too which comes to half the budget.. My mum would never dare to tell me who should or shouldn't be invited and would never throw paying for it back in my face.. I think your parents are being awful.. And as for your brother booking his wedding the same year as yours, I told my brother is be really hurt and mad if he booked it in the same year as mine as he asked if 3months before would be ok.. I said no so he booked it for Feb 14.. Xxx
I can't wait to become his Wife :-) <3
4th July 2015 <3
CommentAuthorAmy
Thank you everyone, I feel so much better getting it off my chest! I just REALLY needed to get this out there and get other people to tell my im not over-reacting like im being forced to believe! I honestly think I can do this now.. Its not me being irrational - Its me being firm & like any bride, want the day to be as me and my H2B had imagined it!
I came on the computer to look up the new wording for the invites, but found myself going crazy about it all on here haha!
I've kind of got use to the fact that my bro has his day booked too, but honestly a still troubled about it. But its still early days of hearing the date (early days as in I found out 3 days ago when it is).. Im sure ill get use to it ;)
Just need to keep the parents happy & ourselves aswell! We WILL find a way. Maybe this time I should say to my parents we need a "meeting" to discuss the wedding, like they forced us into one to check up on our plans to see if it was up to their criteria haha!
Just seems SOO much more stressful that it needs to be now. We planned nearly half of it without any drama & it was just filled with so much excitement, until it got to the guest list and invites. Booooo.
CommentAuthorWhovianbride
If it were me do the invites, invite who you want and invite these others your mum wants that you don't know to the evening! Done! No going back! Sounds like you need a benue planner like this others girls whos mother started telling the planner whst needs to be done, how she wants it done! And the lady turned around and said this is not your wedding, so its not your choice!
Sounds like its mainly your mum! Maybe sit with just your dad an tell him at this rate your going to cancel the whole thing as its turning into a nightmere! Maybe he will understand snd put your mum in check!
Met June 2009 on my Birthday,Met again July 2009 and got
together, May 2010 Moved in,Jan 2011 got pregnant,
August 2011 Got our own place, 2011 Had our Baby Girl,
Dec 2011 Got engaged, July 2015 Getting married! Yay!
CommentAuthorNatalieD205
Hey Amy :) I'm in the exact same boat as you with my mum and dad paying for venue and food. I was literally in tears the other day when me and H2B had spent a day designing decorations and flower arangements and corsages and i was all excited.... sent a picture to my mum of all our design ideas.... and when I called her the next day.... she said all my ideas were cheap horrid and she didnt want a corsage that we had designed she wanted a proper florist to design it if she was paying all this money towards the wedding..... She also said about the invites " if they dont say Mr and Mrs D invite you to the wedding of their daughter.... people might think we havent paid for it....." Like it matters what people think...... like she is only offering to help out with the costs to show off to people...... Grrrrrr it made me so angry and was so hurtful!!! And again with the guest list..... I'm expected to invite in the day cousins I see less than once per year.... who can barely speak to me when I do see them. Oh and all thier kids too. which would add hundreds to the cost and I dont even want them there.... I feel your pain hun. :) Good luck!!
Cant wait to marry my best boy :)
I love him to the moon and back
Eeeeeeeee!!!!
CommentAuthorValentinaK
Sorry, if this is not what you want to hear...
you are perhaps being a bit bridezilla...
In a way your parents are right... If you allow them to pay for the reception, theyar e the hosts and so it is true that they are inviting guests to the wedding of their daughter and so if they choose for the wording to be that way, then fair game...
Also, your brother has decided he's found love and maybe your enagement was the push he needed. you can't deny him of that... They say you know its the one... And why should he delay his wedding plans for an unspecified amount of time? He wants to crack on with his too and i'm sure his fiancee does too! There is no right or wrong etiquette when ot comes to that. Weddings are for sharing-not comparing!
Also... I am with you on theguest list. I had the same issues with my H2B and mum and vetoed guests that had no bearing on mine and h2b's relationship. So unmarried cousins, or cousins not iN LTRs or under the age of 18 aren't having plus ones. It was making the guest list go to ridiculous numbers and with both of us having huge families we had to stop somewhere with the extension of plus ones to extended family. H2B and I did not see why we should have to sacrifice having so many friends that have supported us in our relationship more than the extended family members we've been "Mandated" to ivit e by proxy. I had a bit of a row with my mum about it as she wanted some of her friends there... one I met for about 1 day of my life, lives in Ireland and i wouldn't even recognise her in the street. Plus she'd expect to be put up and entertained for her stay, which I can't imagine would be one or two nights only.
We had a big row but came to some mutula agreements and compromises. So it worked out in the end.
Everything is excting and fluffy til you get to th nitty gritty of the marriage itself and future beyond the wedding, like the horrible "finances" and will chats with H2B and also the politics of the families at the wedding and that you're marrying in to.
You'll never please everyone, but you can do your best.
Consider inviting a very few select friends to the day and the rest to the ceremony and evening only... they'll understand. It's the same story with nearly every bride and groom. Especially when people are trying to save money.
And we lived happily ever after!
CommentAuthor~Beauty&TheBeast2Be~
It's a bit extreme, but if it continues and gets to the point of tears and depression, have you considered cancelling and focusing on getting into your own place? And paying them back anything they have lost. Put everything to a side, get your brothers do out the way, and do something more low key that you have saved for by yourself so they can not dictate to you who you will have and stop with the name calling. That is just plain bullying btw. You have to think, are you getting married for the sake of it, and not having it how you dreamed, and having your day spoiled because it's what they want not you? Or will you be ok if it's all about mummy and daddy? My FIL wants to put a grand towards ours, which will be a 1/4 of our budget, but he wouldn't dare dictate, he just wants to see us happy. Something your parents are completely dismissing. I would of exploded and walked out by now. I feel a home of your own would be better before you marry however.
If this is what they are like now, imagine after the wedding, with the demands they would make of you around the house because they've put a roof over your head. Not that i'm saying you be ungrateful, but there's boundaries you know?
Think it through hard.
*..Embrace Your Dreams..*
~We're All Mad Here~
CommentAuthorLucyP27
Both our parents are paying half each towards our venue which is most of our budget! Theyre letting us make all the decisions and are giving input when we ask for it!! If they started telling who I can/can't invite I wouldn't be happy (Although i'm not allowed to invite my uncle - long story haha) Definitely sit down with them and let them know what's important to you and your H2B, it's your special day not theirs!
CommentAuthorDanni13
I can see why your frustrated, and I think you need to tell them, that altough you appreciate their contribution, if it means dictating the guest list then you will find a way to pay for it yourself. Judging by what you have said, I think this may be met with comment about being immature or stubborn, but you need to be strong and really say, if you want to invite people, renew your wedding vows.
If you dont speak to them and tell them exactly what you want, then you will end up resenting them after the wedding, if the people arent there you want to be.
With the invites, I wouldnt really bother, if thats what they want to put because "their paying for it"then fine- nobody really judges a wedding on who invited them.
And I wouldnt worry about your brother- my SIL is getting married 3 months after us but I'm over the moon for her, Its not a competition.
