Wedding Forum - I've gone and thrown a spanner in the works...

I never thought I'd be posting in the category, but our wedding is currently on hold.

I've always said I didn't want children (people told me I'd change my mind as I grew up, but I never really did), but h2b does want children. Anyway, when we got together I could really see him as a good father, and I thought I'd be able to find my maternal side. To some extent I have, I've had broody moments when I thought, I could be a mum. Honestly though, I can't and I don't ever want to. I haven't got the patience for children, I don't see them enriching my life and I'm far too selfish to want to put somebody elses needs first. I know a lot of people will disagree, saying that "It's different when it's your own!!", but I'd rather not risk finding out!

Anyway, I sat down with h2b last week and discussed the whole thing and I've left it with him. I don't want him to resent me for making him miss out on children, so he currently has the option of staying with me and not having children, or we call the whole thing off and he looks for a future baby mother. He's in shock at the moment, and he's having a think about why it is he wants children - as his answer is currently "because I always thought I would". It's a horrible position to put him in, and I feel like the cruellest partner on the planet. I've also suggested that if he's unsure then we cancel the wedding and use the funds to do something fun just the two of us, maybe a bit of travelling or a luxury holiday.

In the meantime, we're carrying on as normal as we can do. It's hard because I'm waiting for my world to fall apart, but we're at a stage where we're having so much fun. The silly thing is that h2b makes me so happy, people comment constantly about how we come across as a honeymoon couple rather than a couple that have been together for 5 years. We laugh constantly, he's my best friend and we love to be in each others company - and for me, that's enough. I'm just hoping now that he thinks so too.

I'm not really sure on the point of this post, I think part of me just needed to get it out there as I don't want to talk to my family about this yet. I'm going to stay on here for the moment, and hopefully I'll be able to update this post with good news at some point soon.

I agree you're doing a very brave and selfless thing. Sounds like maybe he'll realise he doesn't really care about kids either he just feels like it's what you're supposed to do in life. I hope it turns out for the best and you can go ahead with the wedding!

I have to say the other girls have beat me to it with what I was going to say! You are indeed being very brave and selfless, you have put your honest feelings out there, and im sure in time he will understand, just give him that space to think and like the others have said be strong and now its out there, maybe its for the better.

I hope everything works out for the best, sending big hugs your way.

xx

You are being very brave & honest. I hope everything works out for you. x x x

Thanks ladies. At the moment I don't feel brave, I feel cruel. It's even harder because people have taken a sudden interest in our wedding, they want to know all the details and they're planning outfits etc, and we're having to put a smile on our face and talk as though it's all normal.

We went shopping yesterday and I saw some perfect wedding shoes, my partner told me to buy them and I had to point out that perhaps now wasn't the best time to be buying things for the wedding, you go along on autopilot with it all.

He wants to talk it all through with his mum, but she's on holiday at the moment so we're waiting for her to get back. I'm not putting any pressure on him at all, at least I'm trying very hard not to.

I do think though, how does anyone know what's around the corner. You should live for today :-) And if you are both happy at the moment, and you make each other happy then that's more than many people could ask for :-)

As hard as it is honey i think you need to see what he wants to do - you have made your feelings clear to him so now he needs to decide what he really wants from life. Is having children the be all and end all for him? If he decides to stay with you then he has to understand that he has made that choice and cant make you feel guilty in the future so this is a big decision for him to make. Dont push him but equally he cant keep you hanging forever so you need some timeline xxx

Wow, this must be such a hard time for both of you. I know it's bad now but you have done the right thing and it was incredibly brave and selfless of you. All you can do now is wait as this is a big decision and he needs to make it himself. Remember you did the right thing and stay strong. I hope everything work's out for you both xxx

Wow I admire u Hun ur so brave..... At least you've been totally honest with him and yourself..... Good luck to you both and will be thinking of you and hope it works put xxx

first off well done! being really brave and also being 100% real to yourself

i had my son when i was 17 was in an awful relationship so ive raised my son alone altho been a struggle at times but also been an amazing ive always said i didnt want anymore children.. i can afford my son and thats it since being with h2b and knowing he wants children its been kinda hard for the first lot of months cause i didnt but now i suppose i kinda want to see what happeneds! theres no pressure and to be honest weve both said if it doesnt happen GREAT if it does GREAT too.. before getting into a marriage its all about being so honest!! and i think youve not only put youre feelings across youve also been thinking of youre h2b and it must be so hard dont think i could have a chat regarding him having children with someone else or finding someone that wants kids!! well done you and you both sound an amazing couple these things can only make you stronger!!

xx

Well done! To echo everyone else, a very brave & selfless thing to do
You love him so much you have put him first
Something you thought you couldn't (or wouldn't want to) do for a child but can do it for him so shows how much you care about himI hope your story has a happy ending x

You've not been cruel at all. You've done the right thing. It'd have been cruel to go ahead knowing how you feel without telling him. I know it must feel awful right now but you've done the right thing and in the long run if the worse does happen and you don't stay together you'll both know you did the right thing. Something as big as a family you really have to be on the same page as each other. It's better to discuss it now rather than bury your heads in the sand and hope it goes away, it's just be worse in the long run.

I know you don't feel brave but all the other girls are right. It takes really strength to do what you've done. It shows how much you care for your partner as you are willing to put his feelings and the "right thing" before your own emotions.

Stay strong. xxx

Wow! Totally agree with the other ladies; so very brave of you and you were absolutely right to bring this up now rather than later. Sending you big hugs, babe x

Now that is love!.He is a lucky man to have someone who thinks so much of him that you will put his happiness before your own despite the fact that to do so must be tearing out your heart.xxx

I did the same thing with my H2B, he wants kids, I don't. So one day I sat down and said "Well what if I never want kids? What then?" We had a chat and in the end he said he'd be very sad if we didn't have kids, but he'd never leave me over it.
It is a really hard conversation to have, but it has to be done. I know you feel like the ice queen, but some of us just aren't in the baby business! I love kids, but I just can't see myself having them, like you say 24/7.
I'm sure it will work out hon, best of luck xxx

I hope he realises what a special person he has, you have shown your commitment to him by laying your heart out on the table. He needs his space but at least he hasn't just pushed you away - it shows he loves you and wants to make the right decision. I hope to wait won't be too long for you x

Okay, so I have a little update, but no answer as yet.

I've been really good with h2b (I'll still call him that for the moment, until a decision is made), I've tried not bring this up in conversation to give him time to think, I haven't put any of my opinions over to him to try to make him agree with me and I'm not rushing him at all. He needs to reach his own decision in his own time.

Anyway, on Monday night we went to visit his parents and he took his mum off for a chat. He told her what he was thinking, that he doesn't really like children and he gets bored of my niece and nephew, he hates it when they touch his things. He doesn't like whining, he doesn't like the time they take up and he doesn't like that he has to stop doing what he wants to cater to them. I wouldn't mind, but these are actually good kids!!! Anyway, he asked his mum if it's different when it's your own, and she said that whilst it is different, it's not easy. Children are demanding, costly and not always fun.

She pointed out that children aren't everything and that if we're happy then he has to consider if that's enough. She pointed out that he has to understand that if we had kids I'd be the primary carer, I'd have to give up working full time, I'd be the one that carried them and would be stuck at home with them.

So we had a chat when we got home and he's admitted that he's not that keen on children, he just wants a son to play football in the park with, and to carry on the family name. He's never really thought about not having children before (It seems it takes more thought in not having children than some people take to go ahead with a family). A lot of our friends are pregnant, or have had children recently and this hasn't once made him want to start a family. Our friends also went through IVF as they couldn't see their life being complete with a child in it, h2b said that he doesn't feel this need.

At the moment I think we may be okay, but he's asked for a little more time to be clear. We don't have to do anything else for the wedding until the new year, so it's a good time to take a step back and really think about it.

I just thought I'd keep you up to date.

I wish you luck, with whatever decision he makes.

Wow. you are a very brave and selfless lady. I wish you all the luck in the world, what you've shown him is that you love him enough to allow yourself to be miserable so that in the long term he can be happy (well in your eyes I'm sure that the thought of having children is insignificant in comparision to being with out you)

Glad it seems to be going ok, i hope he realises what an angel he has standing by his side, good luck hun xx

ah honey thanks for the update, was thinking about you the other day. I think his mum is spot on about explaining its not just about kicking a football around the park and he is not thinking the whole situation through 100% which i think alot of people are guilty for.

I really hope it works out for you honey and he realises you are enough for him and make his life complete anyway. Lots of love xxx

You've got a good'un there, I think you are going to be alright.

I hope it all works out for you hun x x

I think the very fact you've been so honest and open with each other shows how perfect you are for each other. I hope it all works out and he agrees with you that you two are all it takes xx

Glad its all worked out for you :) I dreaded having that talk with my H2B, but it's cerainly better to be honest overall, and although he does want children, he said if I dont want them, then that's fine, which was a massive relief! I sure you feel like a weight has been lifted at last!

My problem is now, his family just seem to assume we will have them sooner or later, and while I have never ruled it out completely, I have said to him its very very unlikely, so when his sister excitedly mentions it, I just smile and nod my head! I'm not for discussing it with anyone else, as really, its no one elses business, family or not. If someone actually asks me, rahter than making assumptions, then I'll be honest.

I don't understand why some people find it so hard to deal with when people dont want kids. We both have children from previous relationships, and the idea of starting again from scratch, just as Im starting to reassert my independance as she gets less dependant on me, doent really fill me full of the joys of spring!