Wedding Forum - I feel like not having one now.... (A...

Second time I've wrote this now... Got signed out just as I was pressing post "/

So, H2B and myself went for a long walk yesterday and then he remembered to tell me about a conversion with his mam that he had. She told him she won't be going to the engagement party because his dad will be going - but she will go to the wedding if he is there or not. She still wants an invite to the engagement party even though she has already said she won't go. In addition she wants us to plan something else before or after the party just for her.

Argh!

First off, she's not going because his dad will be there - It was over 14 years ago! At the wedding she would have to put up with his dad for over a day, the engagement party is a couple of hours.

Second, she still wants an invite even though she has said she won't come - each invite will take me hours to do, each one is hand drawn and hand written, each one has five sheets to it front and back...

Thirdly, she wants us to plan something else just for her - we are struggling for money as it, we can't just trough out extra because she wants us to.

The whole reason we are planning an engagement party is so my family can meet his before the wedding.

I feel like not having one now... not if I have too make everyone happy sepreatley....

tell his mother to grow up and put her sons feeling before her own ......

that's not fair i would be so angry! and if she wants to do something separate i would suggest she pays as you have already payed for one which she is choosing to not attend x

Everything for the engagement party is getting made by myself or my brother's girlfriend, the only things we are paying for is the food and drink - but for 30 people that's what's costing us (30 people is just intermittent family, mam's, dad's, brother's, sister's).

We would have the do around ours, but the dogs aren't so good around crowds and both are very protective over me, they get iffy if the H2B hugs me for too long, also two people are allergic to dog and cat hair, so don't want to make them suffer.

Big invites all done by hand as I've always been into art (come from a very artistic family too) I like to keep things original and they are so long as each sheet has something different on.

Both his parents have been remarried, his father still is, but his mother has separated lately from his step dad. His mother is the one that kicked his dad out of their lives, so it should be him that's iffy about going if she is (or at least I would have thought so).

Also we are adding on the invites no presents, just the gift of your smiles will do.

X

I have to agree with what's been said above. We decided not to have an engagement party. Instead we went for drinks with both sets of parents, which was a nice relaxed evening, where everyone could talk and actually get to know each other a bit. Think of it this way, with 30 people there everyone will more than likely just stick with the people they already know, so your family probably won't even realise that his mum isn't there!

I agree and disagree, like legobride if money is tight I would hold of on an engagement party and save it for the wedding (thats what we are doing and like you our 2 families havent met but they can on the day or if get chances before hand)

With regards to his mum not coming because of his dad, it may still be hard for her yes was years ago but I know people like that and at the end of teh day the wedding is the important day and she will be able to busy herself with other thigns but having the choice to attend an engagment party i think its her choice but her wanting an invite would annoy me as well.

xx

If an engagement party is important to you, you have one hunny.

Ask hubby to be if he can have a word with his mam about just coming round to meet his parents, she doesn't have to stay long etc.

Also, I'd love to see your invites, they sound fab! However, I would bear in mind that if they are having such big invites to the engagement party they will expect even bigger ones for the wedding....

Xx

Feeling a little bit better after an e-mail I received off one of my future brother in law's.

It basically says that all of his brother's (there is four of them in total) will do their very best to get their mam to go, as they all know if it was their sister's engagement party, she would go no matter what - and if I had read that last year, I would have thought that part about their sister would just be a little joke or something, but not after Christmas... (totally different story though).

So yeah, feel a little better now that I've got them out there doing their best to get her to come.

X

awww sorry your having a bit of a struggle, i wouldve thought your MiL2b could have been an adult and grown a pair!
I think its nice to have an engagement party especially if you have a long engagement....its for the parents to meet and sort of a way for both sides to meet and for there to be less of a shock when meeting again at the wedding...
I really hope she will grow up and join you for your party!

We didnt have anything! He proposed to me on my bday in disney and we told people that night but when we got back a week later, found out my parents werent the happiest, the engagement or wedding were not talked about for 9 months!! none of my family knew... only his and my closest friends - they were all so excited about it but couldnt say or do anything!
Then finally plucked up courage in March this year & brought it up with my parents, and now everyone knows and finally theyve come round, think added benefit is all my Dad's family are so happy so! Finally planning & date set etc.
We had issues about my OH's whole family coming to the wedding if his Dad attended and his Dad has kindly turned around and said he doesnt want to ruin our day as he wants us to be happy so is willing to step aside and miss out on his only child's most important day. We are absolutely gutted and don't see why it should have come to this!! So our whole engagement has been a bit of a rollercoaster tbh!!

If I was you, if its what you and your H2B want then go for it! Its your celebration and your happy day and you should do what you want... dont let anyone else decide1 If your struggling for money then maybe save the money towards the wedding, but if you feel some sort of arrangement / agreement can be resolved in order for you to all to celebrate your great news (congratulations btw!) then just go for it... everyone is old enough & ugly enough (as they say!!) to strap on a pair and put aside their feelings for the sake of your happiness!! Or so we'd hope they are!!

Hope all works out for you xx

We had an engagament party and it was an utter disaster haha!
My family knew his family prior and after the party they kinda dont like each other haha! (have to laugh about it nothing else to do)

Its a personal choice I think, if u really want one then sit down with her and just explain how her being there would mean a lot to you even just for an hour to show face kinda thing.

Hope everything turns out alright in the end :) x

It is a little sad for a grown woman to act like a school kid but that is life, if she chooses to miss out on a party then it is her loss and she is the one that will look petty :(

We were going to have an engagement party until I started looking at the costs involved. I couldn't justify nearly £1000 on an engagement party as I thought of all the things that that money could be spent on for the wedding. Instead we are having a meal with both sets of parents and our sisters so that they have all met long before the wedding happens. Hopefully over the next few years until the wedding there will be more meetings but to then be organising the big day rather than just introducing them.

As for your in-laws, tell them that they do not need to like each other or even respect each other but they do need to respect their child and how he is feeling on his big day. At the end of the day they chose to have a child gtogether so should be big enough toput their own feelings aside for a night here or there for their childs wedding. Not only that but there will be other big occasions when they come together again eg grandchildrens birthdays, christenings, graduations, weddings etc.

Ask them to sit in a room for one hour with both of you so you can all agree on how to make it work without there being any drama eg both will stay out of the way of the other, both agree to say nothing other than nice or neutral things to any of the other guests as you don't want people remembering you event as the one where the parents did nothing but fight xx

I'm sorry but I have to agree with some previous posts, because we're in the same sort of position with my h2b's mum and dad and I can kind of understand why it would be uncomfortable, all this bad stuff in the past being brought up again by all being brought together. Everyone's being good about it and still going to be there for the day with good behaviour. But, I'm sorry if this upsets you, an engagement party isn't as important as the wedding day by any means, in her eyes it's another extra day for uncomfortable feelings and maybe she doesn't feel like she can handle all the bad feelings and memories being brought back up by seeing him and so would rather opt out of coming and would rather celebrate your engagement separately with the both of you where she'd feel more comfortable. I think it's really harsh to tell her to do one, how would you feel if you were put in that position, would you rather have a celebration separately, where you can enjoy congratulating them, or would you rather go and feel very uncomfortable and for the evening to feel awkward and feel like you can't celebrate properly with your son and soon to be daughter-in-law? We didn't have an engagement party as it was very costly, and all my family live further south whereas h2b and family live further up north, so would be difficult getting everyone together for it. But why not save the cost and use it on the wedding instead? xxx