So it looks as if we're going to have to postpone our wedding. I'll feel like a fraud otherwise and refuse to get into debt over one day, however special and amazing. Less than six weeks to go, and it's all everyone's talking about- three others I know are getting/have gotten married this year and we've been such blooming GIRLS about it, sharing tips, ideas, advice... Now I just feel like cr*p. His grandparents have flights booked to come from South Africa to be there for it, we've paid only £600 in deposits so far- dress and table decs etc can be used for next yr but it's horrible. I feel such guilt, I feel so torn. I love Luke with all my heart but I need time for him to prove he can turn it around and for me to feel that special excitement again. I've been in floods of tears, even walking down the street, and can't see any other way. Oh christ what am I gonna do :(
CommentAuthorLinzi-jo
Oh no hun :( *hugs* are you sure there is no way you can do it? If not, then it is best to wait, at least that way you will still be able to have the wedding you dream of, just a little later than planned. I'm sure everyone will understand xxx
Got together 14.02.2008
Got engaged 31.12.2010
Will become a Mrs on 30.08.2014 xxxxxx
CommentAuthorfiona
what do you mean when you say 'time for him to prove he can turn it around'? Whatever dont feel guilt you need to feel right, it's not just our day, but one of the biggest things we will ever do so need to be sure.
CommentAuthorloustew2012
oh im so sorry to read this post, posts like these always make me sad. I truly hope you can get things sorted out so you can have the day you both want.
good luck xxx
All the ways of my life id rather be with you.
Theres no way without you.
10.11.12
CommentAuthorb2bnicola
Hey hun, whats happened? Is there no way you can sit down with ur h2b and work this out? If you're getting this upset about it all you need to speak up about it! Things are only made worse by botteling them up! Here for you! xx
are you sure it's not just cold feet/the jitters??
I'M MARRIED!!!
I am now Mrs Bananaman!!!!
13/09/2012 in Peyia Town Hall, Cyprus
CommentAuthormillz090
Hope your ok honey, sending big hugs xxx
Finally marrying the love of my life !!
10th August 2013 - 9 years to the day we met !
CommentAuthorShirleygirly
I'm with Kisy, you sound utterly torn and confused so I'm wondering if it's all got too much for you and you are panicking yourself. I hope you are talking to h2b about this because I bet once you sit down and have a good chat he'll make you feel so much better. If you really do have to cancel/postpone then don't think about all the things you will lose out on and efforts others have made because there is nobody on this planet who will force you to make a massive commitment if you are not sure you can.
I hope a good nights sleep and time out has helped you clear your head.
I can't wait until 29/06/2013
The day I marry the man of my dreams!
CommentAuthorbecky -mrs firth
how mch do u need to pay? if u have only paid 600 or u got it in bank sum fo it?
Engaged 27th November 2010
Hen Do Newcastle 2nd June 2012
Marrying the man of my dreams 11th August 2012!
Honeymoon To Jamaica 14th October 2012
CommentAuthorJulieW20
We've sat down and talked.
Here's the real issue- for the time we've been together I've been trying to explain to him that he earns almost double what I do and he should be paying a higher portion of the bills as a result of this- I don't think that's unfair, because if I were earning more I'd happily pay more towards the bills. However he's paid half- and less than that sometimes because I pay for EVERYTHING extra- takeaways, trainfare to Norwich (where we're getting married and our families are), if the food bill is higher.. You get the picture I'm sure. Genuinely, I've been able to afford no new clothes, no new trainers (mine are seriously in need of replacing) no treats for me- but I buy his beer, treats for him, the works. So we moved three months ago to a bigger place and on Thurs last week we sat down -after me screaming in tears for months that he's got money to buy a new xbox and things for him but he doesn't buy me so much as a bar of chocolate- and worked out our exact outgoings. It turns out that he's got a little over 600 to play with after the bills have been paid but I have just £29. I mean, I've been suffering this entire time (and not in silence either!) and dipping into my savings to afford the food bill whilst he's going into his overdraft time and time again when I swear even he doesn't know what he's spent his money on. I do 99% of housework, I make his lunches, dinners, I do the gardening- I'm basically the unpaid maid. And I get no appreciation for what I do for him!
Now don't get me wrong, we get on great all the time aside for when I blow up and ask for help/ appreciation/ money towards the bills. Every so often though I'd like to feel like I'm worth something- is that too much to ask?
Having seen the difference he immediately offers to put more in- even to cover what's been lost from savings. But it's not enough time to prove that this isn't a flash in the pan, that it's a long term commitment to change.
Sooo I need time to get back to that excitement, the bride-to-be thrill, the rush of it. I just feel depressed, despondent and when people ask about it I just wanna bloody scream now. Thinking Easter might be the best idea.
Sorry for long rant x Appreciate the support x
CommentAuthorb2bnicola
Aw hun i really feel for you but im glad u managed to sit down and talk. Is it not an idea to consider that you put both your wages into a bill account, keep money in there for food and "us" time, then whatevers left split down the middle? Thats wot me and my h2b does. I earn a lot more than him, but we each end up with the same amount of money in our accounts. Its just an idea though, it doesnt work for everyone. xx
Happily Married! :) xxx
CommentAuthormadison_uk
thats exactly what my last marriage was like I paid for everything he'd spend his wages on boys toys lol. your doing the right thing he needs to prove to you that he's going to a partner not a lodger, and help you and appreciate you if he has that much to play with he has no reason why he cant take you out for a meal and spoil you rotten good luck hope it all works out
CommentAuthorLinzi-jo
Oh hun thats not good :( And to be honest, in this case I think you are doing the right thing by putting it back. At least then you can make sure that your h2b is going to keep giving you the money and not wasting it on things he has nothing to show for, and as you say, hopefully you will be able to enjoy it again. Personally I dont believe you should go into a marriage with unsolved problems, it is supposed to be the beginning of the rest of your lives together, so you should both be happy and problem free by this day. I really hope he sticks to his word and you get to have the run up and day that you deserve xxx
Got together 14.02.2008
Got engaged 31.12.2010
Will become a Mrs on 30.08.2014 xxxxxx
CommentAuthorInDreamland
Oh hun, sounds like you are doing the right thing, very sensible!
I agree with the post above about a joint account for all shared expenses to come out of. H2B and I haben't even moved in together yet but we've already opened up a joint account ready for when we do. It's only fair that if you both contribute equally to the relationship and household.
I hope things do get resolved for you xx
Married the love of my life on Saturday 11th May 2013 xxx
Had our dream perfect honeymoon in Hawaii!
CommentAuthormillz090
Well done for talking to him about it and i think he does need to prove it in a way as you are marrying for life and these issues need sorting out now as they wont go away and only re-surface. Surely he cant stand by and see you left with £29 per month... thats mean of him.
H2B earns more than me but our household bills are paid by both of us but he puts in 25% more than me as he earns 25% more than me and it goes into a joint account and all the bills go out. We both have cards for this account for it is for running the house..... we then pay our own cars, petrol, tax, insurance and mobile phones out of our own bank accounts and what is left is our money. If we are having a take-out then i will pay but next time H2B will pay and it works well and we never squabble over money. Good luck xxx
Finally marrying the love of my life !!
10th August 2013 - 9 years to the day we met !
CommentAuthorfiona
Sound like you have made the right decision. I really hope he keeps doing what he has promised.
CommentAuthorLegoWife
InDreamland seems to have double posting syndrome at the mo lol.
I agree you've done the right thing, he needs to prove to you he can handle money better and fairly and not leave you struggling, that's not a good way to start a life long commitment at all. I'm sure he'll get his act together now he realises the seriousness of the situation!
~Wedding made of Lego~
*Married 30/03/13*
CommentAuthorInDreamland
Lol - sorry, the double posting seems to happen when I use UKB on my blackberry, very annoying! I think it's the system, need a UKB app I think for BB's!
Again - you've definitely made the right decision hun. H2B and I earn roughly the same (he will get a little extra because of overtime but my basic is higher than his so it all evens out) ..............so when we move in together, all will be equal even though he will put in 3 times more deposit than I will for whatever house we get! We take it in turns to pay for meals out/takeaways too.
Really hope he can prove to you he can have that equal and fair relationship when it comes to money. xx
Married the love of my life on Saturday 11th May 2013 xxx
Had our dream perfect honeymoon in Hawaii!
CommentAuthorsprucey83
All the girls have already said it all really! It can't go on like that and its great you've sat down and talked about it and seen the error of his ways so to speak but you're right you need to see it as a complete mindset change and not just a 'ok love' response. My ex was the same, worked in the city, earned ALOT of money and i worked part time 8 hrs a week! Still had to attempt to use up all i had on paying for everything then it was up to him if i was 'allowed' anything else! Obvs why he's now an ex! Do what feels right for you
xx
CommentAuthorJulieW20
You girls have been so lovely, I really appreciate the support. It's not easy to admit when there's such a huge problem in your life and it sure seems easier to rant away into cyberspace and hope someone out there gets what you mean and feel. It's gonna be another story altogether with everyone we know though- our parents know the truth but to everyone else we'll use the 'not enough money, not enough time' line for explaining. Very very gutted but what's a girl to do? We sat down and discussed it this eve and we both feel it will be less pressure (his job is HATEFUL) and less strain on us. We want to go back to being that happy couple we were a few months ago! Neither of us want to enter into a marriage and end up divorcing because we had a muddied slate to begin with. So, wipe it down and off we go... Good thing is, already got my dress and loads of the accessory bits- bms dress will fit her next yr, the presents wont go anywhere either. So it's not the end of the world, just more time to be impatient and get us back on track. I've no doubt I'm with the man I'll spend my life with, it's just the steps we have to take to make sure that the 'happiest day of our lives' is truly that and the beginning of something amazing :) xx
CommentAuthoremmaaa
edited
I'm really glad to hear you've talked it out and made your decision, I know it's devestationg for you both, but definitely think you've made the right choice!
Just a note about joint bank accounts, (and obviously I have no idea about your exact situation, sorry if it's useless!) be careful about how it's set up if he's somewhat clueless about money, or you may find he's not only burning through his money, but yours as well! If his name is on the account he has rights to access it, and even if it's just designed to be a holding account which you both get "paid" from, if he doesn't fully grasp that it's not to be touched, "dipping in" here and there could really be a disaster. I know a lot of the ladies on here talk about joint finances as part of the commitment, but until he has worked out how to budget and accepted responsibility for his share of the costs, physically pooling your finances may just make things worse.
Rooting for you both!
CommentAuthorloustew2012
glad to see you have sorted things out. your being very sensible in regards to sorting out your finances an yourselves and i hope you and your h2b get back on track soon hunni
xxx
All the ways of my life id rather be with you.
Theres no way without you.
10.11.12
CommentAuthorSelinaK
emmaaa - we solved that problem! We have a joint bills account, we both are named on it, both have cards for it, neither of us know the pin numbers!!! We just have all our DDs and standing orders go out of it. The joint wedding account we both have easy access to it, but there is never anything in it lol! Then we recently made my account joint, as I'm not very good with money. Which is a big fat understatement! Having h2b see exactly what I spend, when I spend it, has made me more cautious, and there is a very real chance that on payday (2 days away), I might still ahve £100 left in my account! Which is a flipping miracle!!! JulieW20 - you are doing the right thing hon. We were where you are 2 years ago, and it was me being the idiot with money. We carried on planning the wedding, and although finances are still looking in worse shape than Greece right now, we have made improvements. The wedding (fingers crossed) will go ahead, but only because I have made sacrifices to prove myself to him.
I hope it all works out well in the end for you, and I really admire how strong you are being. It would be too easy to go ahead with the wedding, and then leave you in a worse position afterwards.
Good luck xxxx
CommentAuthorJulieW20
Just an update sorry I couldn't bear it before- We're now seeming much more of a couple, slowly getting back that magic that makes us work. We had a lot of discussions (and a HUGE arguement about his mum) and now we seem to be doing ok, I'm back to missing him, he's actually doing stuff to help- albeit small stuff but tbh having felt as ill as I did the other day I couldn't care less, as long as he does SOMETHING daily. Oh and he's actually paying me stuff now, and wants to take me on a shopping spree every month to treat me like a princess- fiiiinally new clothes my god it's been so long!!! I hated being poor!!! We both agree that it's best to have changed the date- 30th of March next yr will be our day and all deposits have been transferred to the new date- we're very lucky. Rant in new post lol :) thanks for the support girls :) xxx
CommentAuthornatalie2614
Aww Im glad youve managed to sort things out, its good that your deposits have been transfered too. I hope things run more smoothly for you both from now on xx
Married my best friend 05.04.2013
CommentAuthorJulieW20
Thank you :) rant is up now lol needed to de-stress cause of his mum! grrrrr weddings bring out the worst in people!!xx
