Wedding Forum - The Plus One Dilemma...

Hi

I'd be interested in your thoughts on this. I got engaged in mid-January, so only 3 months ago, the Church and reception venue are now booked and I am just beginning to start the whole process of dress buying and planning (in my head) the other details. The wedding is in May 2013.

The big thing is the guest list .............we have decided that we will have 100 guests (minimum nos. set by the venue) and this will be perfect for the ones we want to attend and just about what we can afford without needing to pay off the wedding for years after we get back from honeymoon (wherever that may be), we're only in our early 30's so don't really want to be in debt for the sake of 1 day.

I have one friend who is a good friend (not a bridesmaid as I'm only having my sister and best mate as bridesmaids plus my niece-to-be as a flower girl) ............she has never had a proper relationship (she is turning 40 this year) and is currently on dating sites and meeting what she describes as guys who are just not long term relationship material or players. She does seem to have a flavour of the week that will then change. A couple of times she mentioned to me that if it works out with this guy she'll bring him as her date to the wedding.

Now, she knows at least 4 others who will be at the wedding so will not be left alone without anyone to hang out with on the day. Also, I was really annoyed that she felt she could just bring someone without being told she could.

My h2b and I agreed that the only people allowed plus ones will be those who are married, engaged, in long term relationships (6-9 months minimum at the time the invitations go out) or do not know a single other person at the wedding so would otherwise be alone. This will keep the numbers and costs down and also I do not want to be walking down the aisle and not recognise faces on my side of the church. In addition, I actually am not comfortable paying to feed and water people I've never met before and will never meet again.

So, the last time she said about bringing her flavour of the week to the wedding I mentioned that we would be careful about inviting people with plus ones as we are on a budget. She said that it would put people off if they couldn't bring plus ones although she did say that if someone really wanted to come they'd make the effort. She also said that it was the done thing to allow people to bring a guest with them to which I said actually it was not (I have read lots of various forums plus a BBC article about Plus One Dilemmas and how Will and Kate didn't allow plus ones that all support my approach to plus ones). She then said that she would be put off because she didn't want to drive there by herself, it's only a 1 hour drive from where she lives and she has sat nav, plus she could meet other friends she knows who will be going half way and maybe travel with them. She then proceeded to tell me that I should have a cheaper per head cost wedding to allow for people to bring a date with them!

Basically, what it comes down to by the sounds of it to me was she didn't want to drive somewhere she'd never driven to by herself despite having a sat nav and could possibly travel with someone else who is a mate also invited to the wedding if she met them halfway.

I am so insulted that she expects us to pay an extra £150 for food and drink just so she has someone in the car with her. I don't think that being single once she is there is the problem. I am also really mortified that she had the audacity to tell me to get a lower per head cost just to accommodate her wanting a date with her, I thought this was so rude! This is mine and my h2b's wedding and we will have the wedding we want (I told her this) and will decide who should be on the guest list, I cannot believe she thinks she can say these things to me.

My sis and best mate think she needs to grow up and they support me 100% and agree with my thinking. My mum does too. However, my dad thinks that I should just allow her to bring someone regardless of the extra cost or to let them come to the ceremony (no extra cost incurred) and also to the evening reception after the wedding breakfast (I don't feel comfortable with this for financial reasons and also likely to not know the person).

What does everyone think? Am I being unreasonable? What is the understood etiquette?

Thanks
T

i dont think ur being unreasonable she should assume ur gonna foot the bill for someone you dont know maybe tell her yes she can have a plus 1 if they have been together for a while and she is willing to foot the extra cost xx

I am also setting a six month minimum on partners mainly as my mum regularly changes her bf (to the point I forgot the current ones name the other day) and she thought it was ok to take her two week bf to my aunts wedding. I have told my sister about this rule and explained that I can't have one rule for one and another for another and she understood but has asked if her best friend can come instead, she is a lovely girl and spends a lot of time with the family so I've agreed to that.

Just explain to your friend that you are only willing to pay for plus ones that have been together longer than x months (make sure there are no exceptions) so if she wants to bring this week's bf she pays for him.

we're having the same problem, actually its not a problem iv told her down right no. my friend has been a lesbian now for god knows how long and has never been with a man..until about 2 months back. she's one of them friends who only bothers with u when there something it for her anyway. i was out last week with our mates and she informs me to put her boyfriend down on the wedding list cause he's coming to the wedding. we've only met him once and that was briefly. h2b hasn't even met him briefly.... no chance love. this is your wedding and u have who u want. don't let anyone influence u x

My friends on the dating scene as well at the moment, only she is my BM. I've told her she can bring a boyfriend if they've been together a while and it's going well. I won't let her bring a flavour of the week though. One of H2B's cousins recently split up with a short term boyfriend his mum insisted we invite, if our wedding had been before they broke up I'd have had some random guy I'll never see again at my wedding! And I don't want that.

I wouldnt stress so much yet... we are getting married Aug 2013 and my bridesmaid are both single and both hinted they are hoping to have plus one's by then. Our venue seats 100 but for money reasons we are only having 80 and im at 79 headcount already but until invites go out and we get RSVP's back which wont be until about 2 months before the wedding i wont have a final headcount anyway.

If they meet someone a few months before the wedding and i dont know them very well then i wont be inviting them to the sit down meal as same as you im paying for them and dont want to see them when walking down the aisle but will invite them to the evening do. However if they meet someone and i know them well (a year is a long time for things to change) then i dont see why we cant squeeze them in somehow.

I would ignore the comments now and say its a long way off so you dont know and then see what her dating situation is like nearer the time xxx

Why not say you dont want someone you dont know at the wedding and comprimise and say why not just come to the evening do and you can bring your guest, it will save you the cost of her meal to then xx

Tell her that if she wants to have a plus one then she has to pay - upfront. The £150 bill may put her off.

Lol, not sure I'd tell her that but I will explain how easy it is for her to get there, I mean it's signposted when you come off the M25 and taken the first left then it's only literally 5 mins away. She should then be able to meet with some of the others and head to the church with them. Oh, but she doesn't like motorways either.

no, your not unreasonable. we didnt do plus ones either. a lot of my friends are single and they all came themsleves, but they did know others. the only people who had plus ones were partners over 12 months at the time of invitations!

even my sister who had a boyfriend at the time invites went out wasnt allowed a plus 1! x

I think you should be able t choose who you want and do not want to attend your wedding. She can't just expect that he latest catch can tag along like it's some free-for-all... What happens if you do include him and then the spilt.. :/ She needs to be more understanding that wedding cost alot and you'll not be footing the bill for her new man lol xx

Everyone who gets married seems to have this problem :( some people are pretty cheeky too when they assume or ask

I had one friend say am I getting a plus one - I said no (she does know other people going) then she said but so and so husbands/boyfriends going!!Then when she go a bf I said she could take him then one night when we were out for food she imformed another friend that shes getting a plus one so if she breaks up with her bf she can take a friend!!I dont think so dont eve get me started on family plus ones - serious relationships yes - random friends/flavour of the week boyfriend i think not

It's not just the cost of feeding them it chair covers, centrepieces if you have 8 of them, bus seats etc it all adds up and I dont want to look back on my wedding photos and think who the hell is that or walk down the eisle and not reconise people :(

Stick to your guns - sometimes people just don't realise how expensive it is or the position they are putting you in x

I seem like the only person not to have this problem. All of my friends have been told that they can bring a plus 1 on their invites, gives them the choice if their comfortable coming theirself or would rather bring someone.

If you dont want her having a plus 1 then stick to it & dont let her make you feel bad about it

OMG - Future Mrs Mac - sounds like you're having a nightmare with it!

My problem is that h2b and I have large families and with Chinese culture the whole lot must be invited and there are a lot of them .............feels like half of China are getting an invite.

When my sister got married last year we didn't many would actually come as it is expensive for them, Malaysian RM into £'s doesn't get you much .............but more came than were expected so I do have to be careful with the rest of the guest list, plus family from Oz have indicated they want to come which was a huge surprise. My friend doesn't seem to see this and I think sees people hosting weddings as having this bottomless pit of cash to splash.

H2B and I are having the day we want with who we want.

I see the argument of inviting a possible plus 1 just to the evening but with h2b insisting on an open bar (I'm working on it!) if her flavour of the month or whoever she decides to bring is a big drinker this will add to the bill.

I will stand firm on this as a matter of principle and I need to be consistent in enforcing this rule.

xxx

If they are still together then I would name him and maybe add a little note that says 'names persons only'.

Ps I can tell you now. If she ends with this guy and finds another, it will be " oh well since x isn't coming because hes not my partner anymore, I brought Y partner instead"

Nip it in the bud now. Tell her no +1

you are being perfectly reasonable, we set the same parameters. If they are single, no plus one. I only changed that rule once the final RSVPs came in, and a couple of people cancelled, so my friend Phil could fetch a date. He was under strict instructions: I must meet her first, I must like her, and she must not be a chav. I met her last week, she passed the test, she can come! Other friends that are single are happy to come alone, and I have made sure to seat them with people they will get on with or know.

Its your day, I can understand not wanting strangers there, and if you're friend can't accept that, then that leaves you with an extra seat for someone elses +1 lol!!

If I was you InDreamland, I would invite just her to the day and invite her partner (who ever that may be by the time you marry) just to the evening. Then it doesn't really matter who it is as the most important part of the day is over. Just tell her you dont have enough people to be able to invite him to the meal as you have restricted numbers xxx

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