Hi there everyone, I got engaged at new year. I have been looking at everything weddingy and decided to join here to get some inspiration....massive fail. The more i read the more i sit open mouthed at the cost of everything. I have a figure in my head of about 5grand, no more although my mum has offered to buy my dress which i wont include in that budget. My partner is think more 15grand. I just cant justify any of it, not even the 5 grand. We have been together 5 years officially but about 8 years if you count all the flirting ha ha! He is my best friend, i love him to pieces although it's not been without trouble. We have a beautiful daughter of 2 and we own our own home. Trouble is i desperately want to move house as i hate the one we own, we dont even live in it as we couldnt afford to sell it so we rent elsewhere and rent ours out. The money we are saving for our wedding would be the answer to the housing problem. My partner has lots of 'friends', people we never see, who have wives i mainly find ignorant and dont even know the names of, but he is adamant he wants them all there. I have a massive problem with this, as to me friends are the people that bothered with us when we had our daugter or helped us out when we went through our rough patch last year. Thing is, I could do the 5grand wedding beautifully if he slashed his guests a bit. We have been over and over the guest list and i am more than willing to chop off most of mine, apart from family and my two best friends and a few of his closest friends theres no one i would be massively bothered about. Id be willing to give them all evening invites but he thinks that is a cop out. One of my best friends has even commented on his guest list and she has known both of us and all of them for years, she thinks they arnt important enough nor are they well behaved enough...we were all a bit wild in our youth and some are yet to grow out of certain habits that would be better related to a toilet cubicle and rolled up notes. I would die if this happened at my wedding, but last year atteneded a wedding where most of these people were and they were all at it there. Thing is i want my wedding to be family orientated, a bouncy castle for the children, lollipos and sweeties, cream tea in the afternoon and a aprty in the evening. But no, no one wants to bring their children as they all want to get drunk blah blah. I just find it hard to justify 30+ pound per head for people to push food round a plate or throw it up in a toilet! Am i being a massive scrooge and a bit uptight about it all, should i just go ahead and invite these people and worry about it after and forget the house thing for a while?
Trouble is the guests are putting me off everything i cant even look at anything and get excited as all i can see is my dad walking in the toilet and finding people in there sharing drugs. My family are very well to do and i cant say that about the rest of the guest list, i dont want to be a snob and i dont want to fall out with my partner over it but he is so stubborn! Thing is it will be me paying for it all as i am the one with the better job and handling of finances, i work really hard and dont want my wedding to be like a sat night at the local nightclub. I know back in the day i was as bad as these guys but i changed completely when i got pregnant, its no longer my life anymore and i dont want the start of my married life to have any part of my old life in it!!! So sorry for the massive rant but i am close to calling the whole thing offits getting me down that badly. Also he is adamant we have it all at a hotel so all his guests can stay over but i have fallen in ove with this beautiful place that has a permanet marquee and no hotel, it does the perfct package with everything included for 5000 pounds!!!
Any one of you have any ideas what i can do or how to approach it? Or and please be honest, am i just being a massive scroogey snob? xxx
CommentAuthorMrsDanks
I don't think you are being a scrooge at all, our budget is low due to us recently having a baby, so I think you do have to take the fact that you also want to move into consideration. I also agree with you totally about the guest list too, both myself and H2B do have friends that still try and live in their youth and I am worried that they may play up at the wedding so I have said to H2B we should try and keep numbers down and invite the people that have bothered with us recently, when you start to have children you soon realise who are your real friends as they are the ones that still call you up once in a while and want to visit, others I have just happened to see in the pub once in a blue moon but they never bother otherwise. I would sit down with your H2B and just point out that that extra 10k he is willing to spend would help you invest in your future rather than just in one day, I know lot's of people do spend that kind of money but i'm sure it wouldn't be that way unless they could really afford it. xx
CommentAuthorJoanna
You're not being a Scrooge! Our budget overall is about 5 grand but my dad's paying venue and my mum's paying for my dress so we're only spending about 2 grand. We just can't afford any more money but we're still having what we consider a perfect day :) you can do things for cheap and still be great! Try haggling suppliers and eBay for decorations/invites etc. There's a few threads about ways to save money If you do a search? Xx
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CommentAuthorbridalmiss
You can have a fabulous summer wedding with a tea party/picnic style, still professionally catered for if you like - or if you want a marquee then choose somewhere where there's accomodation available within 5 miles - our wedding isn't in a hotel and we have 160 day guests, 45 night and 75% of them don't live in the city where we're getting married - so we sent out a list with contact details of a range of accomodation options, and no-one has seemed fussed!
If you're the major breadwinner then I would sit down with your H2B and explain how much you are prepared to put into your wedding fund - if he wants to spend more then he can do but he has to put it in himself - then use this as the budget to negotiate under with suppliers or think about how many to invite. If there are some friends he is less close to but wants to invite anyway, invite them to the evening where you'll have a buffet etc on with a pay bar - so you're not necessarily paying additional costs for them. You definitely need to talk this over as if you can't settle this then you have to wonder if you can live with this person for the rest of your life - see it as a test to see if the two of you can talk things through :-)
We've also asked for money instead of gifts, so even if say the guests gave you an average of £20 per head, you should be able to pay back some of the wedding costs, meaning that you can still save for your new house at the same time as planning for your wedding.
Hope this helps!
CommentAuthorKatya
edited
your not being a scrooge.... lala would say.... "your day, your way" trust me wait till she sees this thread....
i totally understand your point but is there no way you would be willing to compromise a bit? there are venues that do complete packages for less than that that happen to be hotels. the more venues you see the more ideas you will get. you could also hire a toilet man.... ie someone that will stand all night in the toilet listening to someone pee or throw up and that way no one will take drugs as the cops will be straight on their bums!
if you are paying for most of it and you are planning it all as well i think maybe you make the compromise that you have a hotel and he gets the adult only party but only after youve had your fmily ceremony and family meal. if hes not willing to do that your not willing to have a hotel!
maybe it could be a dont tell the groom instead of dont tell the bride?
Katya just seen this ....you know me so well ...... Lala lol
No your not a Scrooge at all. I totaly see where you are coming from with all the guests. I dont want a big wedding. There will only be just under 50 at the wedding and the breakfast. Thats more than what I would of liked really. I have a bigger family than H2B and I am only having 1 friend there and just the family who I am closest too. I have always been more of a family person than friends and only have few close ones. H2B is more a friend person than family though. He is having 2 best men as he cant pick, one of them is married with 3 kids. He's having another best friend who is a female doing a reading at the wedding. We will be having children there too. Children make a wedding I think. There will be about 7 children in the day. Then in the evening I'm inviting the rest of the family and other friends too. The ones with kids are more than welcome to bring them, but I doubt most will. We are having it in a Hotel but that's because I don't live in the same town any more as my family and some have moved rather far away so most will want to stop the night.
CommentAuthorlisa070409
Thank you girls, i am relieved im not the only one who has guest behaviour issues! I just wish my partner didnt have a massive stubborn head on him, he even said it wasnt his fault he had more friends than me, but in all honesty the friends i do have are close and quality people who wouldnt disrespect me and do things like that on our wedding day, they wouldnt sniff at our low cost wedding and certainly would embrace children being there. I can give or take on a few of the guests as they arent my first choice but are his longtime friends, its the unnessercary ones i cant deal with, just because he went to their wedding ten years ago or whatever! As for the extra ten grand he wants to spend, i have no idea where it will come from, my parents have offered to pay for it but i said id rather that if they were willing to give us that sort of money id buy a house with it. And its not certain they will have that money as my dad has some land he is selling but that may fall through so i dont want to rely on it nor do i want to spend that amount on a day when the most important part of it is i become his wife. I have had great fun reading the the threads about doing things on a budget and have ordered myself a paper flower making kit as i love the paper bouquets and want a few quirky things in my wedding, i hate real flowers!! I think 30-40 day guests and then maybe 20-30 more in the eve would be great although my poor friend last year spent 12grand on her wedding so had to invite people to the night do as she was over budget and not one turned up for it and half the day guests left early as they were miffed family members didnt get all day invites, im worried about the horror of that!! Personally id love the village hall to the point id be prepared to spend a fair bit on getting decoraters in to the place to pretty it up! My parnter likes to think he is loaded but hes not and this is where i cant find any common ground with him...grrr men!!! I think im going to have to sit him down and explain it all but i just dont want to argue over a wedding, whats the point?!! I was planning on eloping but thats a completely different story ha ha!! Im really unsure if all this stressing is worth it!!! xx
CommentAuthorMrsKisywisy
oh my lisa, reading through that was scarily similar to my wedding worries!!!!!!
i think you need to compromise, both of you. if he wants 15k and you want 5k, settle on 10k max. get him to make a guest list nd you to make one, then compare and agree on a max set of numbers, not names (iykwim).
I'M MARRIED!!!
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CommentAuthorBanks
I dont think your being a scrooge or not wanting those particular people there for the whole thing. I completely get where you are coming from as my partner was like that from 18 til when we got together 3 years ago and he only stopped because it was me or the drugs. I think its completely reasonable to have your doubts that these people will be able to behave themselves and not turn your wedding into a drugs fest. I dont understand why your H2B is so adamant these people come as they sound more like drug mates than proper mates, if they stopped having interest once your daughter was born; also isnt he worried about them doing/the effects of drugs in such a public place where your families will be and more importantly be around your daughter (does he really want her surrounded by people like that?) and potentially ruining the best day of your lives. You may have to sit him down (again) and discuss these worries and feelings with him to try and get him to fully understand why you dont want these people there for the full day. Hope things work our for you.xx
CommentAuthorWapsoid
It's lovely to see that you have a fiancée so excited to marry you he wants everyone there to share your big day and to make it as special as possible. However, does sound as though you will need to sit down with him and come to some form of compromise as your wedding is only the start of the rest of your life together. A discussion with all the information means both of you can explain your choices and between you work out something to suit you both rather than simply quarrel. Both go away and make a wedding plan, incorporating the others ideas as much as possible. Then bring both plans back tot he table and see what you have.
This being said there are many ways to have a penny light wedding. In the summer it's easier to have an out door, everyone bring a dish for the buffet wedding. Perhaps between you you have friends who can help. Do you know some one who loves taking photographs, or baking cakes? Do you have friends who will much in and help with the cooking? Your village hall sounds lovely. Perhaps he needs to see the potential so maybe show his photos of decorated halls and explain that they can be turned into magical venues with a bit of creativity and would be uniquely yours. Plus explaining to him that the village hall gives you the flexibility to have as many people there as you would like may help. You can pick between a sit down hotel meal with a few guests or a casual hall celebration with loads of people. Also many of the more elaborate venues do offers through sites like Groupon so they're worth watching out for. I've seen beautiful manor houses offer the full package for 60 guest for less than two grand.
As to guest issues. Well you cannot force people to bring their children and for some events like wedding are the only break they have. Oddly enough a 'hotel' manor house wedding is more likely to deter bad behaviour as guests have more respect for these venues than they would do for a hall.
It will all sort it out but I think the most important thing is you and your husband to be work out what you would like from your life together for both of you and your daughter. Does he want her to witness people take drugs and vomiting at mummy and daddy's wedding?
CommentAuthoremmaaa
I think he's being a bit pie in the sky to be honest, has he said where this 15k is supposed to come from? It's all very well wanting the world and his wife there, but there are two of you getting married, and he really should at least acknowledge your concerns! Do you think he's staying in touch with these people to cling on to his carefree past? Because I really don't understand how theyt could be a priority now! When I first started looking I was incensed at how much people were charging for things, I'm still angry, but I've kind of resigned myself to it now, absolutely hate that we could be spending the money on a deposit though.
CommentAuthorRaggedyAnne
You are not be a scrooge at all. as you say, the money would be better spent ploughing it into your house and living it it. We are on a budget too, and have set our budget to £4,000. and as such we have dramatically chopped our guest list. I wanted a nice hotel wedding with a 3 course meal and its quite expensive, SO......we cut our guest list WAYYYYYY down to be able to afford it. 22 guests! we COULD find 100+ family and friends, but if we did that we couldnt afford the hotel we have booked. and to be honest, i dont WANT to afford it, because i want a small intimate wedding. there was one or two people that i felt guilty not inviting, but we havent seen them for almost 3 years....it can get really silly and you end up inviting people.....and PAYING good money for them to eat.....and you dont even want them there. how silly is that?
I can resist anything but temptation
CommentAuthor
you're not being a scrooge hun, you've just got other responsibilities and its not a bad thing! we're having a late wedding and an evening buffet rather than a sit down meal. my mum and dad have bought my dress but everything else is from ebay/amazon or anywhere else that is cheap as chips lol! our wedding is costing about £3000 in total but £2000 of that is for the venue! You dont have to spend 15 grand on a wedding for it to be your perfect day! Good luck budgeting xx
met the man of my dreams 22/09/2006,
Had our amazing twin boys 16/05/2008
Finally becoming Mrs Davies on 31/08/2012 will make me the
happiest lady alive :-)
CommentAuthorKATG
mmmm, tricky one, you are not being a scrooge, however he also has a point of wanting his friends to be there. Firstly have a look at where you can cut corners on price, there are plenty of packages at Much Less £5000 and these usually restrict numbers, so that might be a way of convincing him to get his guest list down. Also if you pay £5000 for a package you will end up spending much more as it doesnt include your dress, BM dresses, Groom's and groomsmen's suits, cars, someone to marry you and legalities, possibly flowers wont be included, so you would need a cheaper pacakge. Have a look on groupon and search for the groupon thread on here as there are lots of posts on this. Also see who can help with making things or buying things for you. My mum bought my dress, me and my sis are making my invitations, I bought the table decorations in IKEA very cheaply. Ebay is a good source of decorations, dresses etc have a really good hunt round as this will help you keep the cost down. Also as we have everythin we have set up a free website and asked for contributions to various things for our wedding. We already have almost £1000 in contributions and it has been recieved really well, not rude at all, most people say its a good idea as they dont have to worry about a gift and we get what we want. Most people appreciate the weddings are very expensive and are happy to help out.
Regarding the guests, if you have real concerns about these particulare people I think you should insist on just inviting them to the evening do, as you shoulnt feel in anyway uncomfortable on your wedding day. Also my H2B sat down with me to work out how much we could afford. I was the one who wanted to spend more and he said that was fine as long as I earnt the extra money, he wasnt prepared for us to get into debt, and neither was I, he also wasnt prepared to compromise our lifestyle ( not that it is particularly flash, just he didnt want not to have any money at all for 2 years). So I said thats fine, we compromised and set the wedding back a bit so that we could pay for it as we go along and I have a part time job, just a few hours that pays £60 per week working in a local pub. This money goes into my 'wedding account'. So I can have some of the extras that I want. Some people think this is harsh, but he already works 12 hour shifts and as I said thinks some things are not compromisable, like not goin into debt. So perhaps work out what you can afford, leaving some disposalbe income so you can still have a life, and then tell him to earn the rest?? Now our budget is at £9000 rather than £4500 and I can have some of the things I really want. H2B has been good, any extra money he has at the end of the month has also gone into the wedding account.
Finally the ultimate way of cutting numbers is marrying abroad
Its just about compromise hun, hope this is helpful x
Mrs Wilson2B
Need to loose 5 stones and 2lbs
3 Stones 2 lbs lost so far!!!
Getting Married 3rd August 2013
CommentAuthorclarebear1
Lisa this was the same for me, alot of our friends take cocaine and I was really worried my mum or nana would walk in the toilet and see someone doing it, also there would end up been alot of dealers there aswell which is not good on your wedding day, and too be honest these mates cant even be arsed picking up the phone half the time to see how we are or inviting us to theirs for a drink, we use to always ask them ours for bbq's etc and gave up with the no's all the time so we have decided to just have family and htb his having 1 best friend as best man and im choosing 1 best friend im not arsed what they say we havent told them yet as its still 16months until our wedding going to tell them in the nxt few wks, basically just going to say its down to money its just family and we want to go on honeymoon and are struggling to save blah blah blah, its your day hun, I have been stressed havent even slept about not having mates there but I dont want it to be like a rave and thats what it would be like, its just 10-14 of us now, I am going to have a party the week after with all our friends and a local social club could you no suggest that xx
CommentAuthorKaz
No way you are being a scrooge! We decided that our life shouldn't change because of the wedding saving and stuck our budget at £1,000! We are about to go over but not by too much, probably £150. But having 3 kids at home and all the extra clothes etc. they need during the year, scrimping and saving wouldn't have been a good idea for us!
For planning the wedding decide how big a wedding you want, some people want the world to witness, others very few, we decided on 60 max to the day incl kids. Although due to budget, if someone declines, we probably won't re-offer their place!
On planning the guest list I started with, when did I last talk to this person? Considering all the ways technology has given us, if neither of us has spoken to them for a year they were immediately off the list! It really is a good way to knock people off the day list. And why would you want to spend your entire day worrying about how people will act there, surely H2B doesn't want his wedding breakfast raided?
WARNING:
I say the first thing I think of!
CommentAuthorMrs van der Lee
I was the same when I got engaged I was completely flabber ghasted at how much stuff costs!
Utilise family members and friends with specialist skills, shop around and dont be afraid to be cheeky. Stuff is marked up so much that they can afford to knock a few quid off - remember every little helps!
Don't have so many people in the day time and as for night time, use a community hall maybe? theyre often free. also dont hire a bar if you dont need to - provide some alcohol and a lot of soft drinks and invite people to BYOB - works out cheaper for everyone!
hope this helps xx
Sam & Adele
Mr and Mrs van der Lee
10-08-2013
CommentAuthorMariephiz
If you don't want them there, then you shouldn't have to put up with them!
If he wants these friends there then he needs to pay for them. Perhaps if he sees the cost of things in black and white that might help him realise he needs to cut down his guest list? £5000 is perfectly reasonable for a wedding, that was what i wanted to spend except the type of venue i wanted blew that figure out of the water.
I would definitely work out how much you can save before the wedding, and how much he can save. If you are saving the most to it then remind him of this, say you don't mind at all that you are putting more towards the wedding, but as thats the case, you get the final say over the guest list - this will be probably be the biggest splurge on the day.
Good luck, let us know how you get on with compromising with him! x
I would try and talk to how he sees the wedding really, it seems as though he thinks its a massive party, whereas you want it to be a family get-together.
CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
Well as Katya already said ... my motto is most definitely "Your day your way" i was quite ruthless when it came to the guest list.... to my mind if i haven't met your other half you didn't think that much of me to introduce me so i`m not paying for them to eat..
i eve relegated an uncle of Mr lalas to the evening because i had never met him and he hadn't been in contact with Mr lala in all the time i have known him .....so why pay £72 for him to come and eat .... no chance
and you can do a fantastic wedding on 5k ... my budget is 6k and i think i may come under budget
I wouldn't invite those people either. H2b is turning down most of the ideas I have until I pointed out I'm doing most of the saving so I'll spend it how I like.
CommentAuthorRaggedyAnne
edited
I have pretty much free reign over the wedding plans, because we agreed that i will have the wedding i always wanted, and he will choose the honeymoon. he did that and do i regret letting him do it.....absolutely! but a deals a deal and so the wedding is MY domain! LOL
