Wedding Forum - At my wits end!...

Thats a real tough one and such a shame that your MIL feels this way! : ( If your H2B is so torn, I think you need to sit him down and ask him why he is feeling so torn because if he wasnt ready for marriage he wouldnt of asked you. Do you two not live together atm? I can understand the buy a house then get married logic but at the same time where is the difference in renting somewhere together seeing as mortgages are fewer and far between for 1st time buyers now. I think you potentially putting your foot down wouldnt help and possibly cause more problems with MIL as your H2B may comment on this.
Hope you gets this sorted and your H2B politely tells his mum to butt out and just be happy for you two. : ) xx

I think it's a matter for you and your h2b only. Other people will always have opinions but your decision should always be based on your own opinions, otherwise you can end up feeling that you were pressured into what you did, or feeling resentful. If you decide to get married as planned and you're happy with it, go for it. If you decide to postpone, let it be because you and your h2b have made that decision together for your own reasons.
Don't panic anyway chicky, your h2b proposed to you after all so it's clear he wants to marry you, maybe the question of when is still open but you can sort that together, don't let other people get to you too much. Good luck ;)

I suggested renting but his parents dont want us to :/ they want to help us finance a deposit for a house for the thing is they take so long getting round to actually doing it, which I feel is just more control. We know we're ready to get married, I've asked him if its a case of whether hes not ready and hes said no, its purely because he feels he has to do what they say to gain their respect, and that really upsets me, because they have complete control over him because of that. Im so tempted to just run away somewhere and just get married lol. It is literally drving me bonkers, I never thought it would get like this, she used to be lovely to me!! They are very much firm believers in what they say should be law, so they are holding the money side over us so we'll do exactly what they say, and I was like, are they gonna decide exactly what year we're gonna have babies too?!?! Woah, getting stressed again just talking about it haha! @lala - I know I keep urging him to put his foot down, but I fear he won't because he doesnt wanna start friction but yeah like you say at the end of the day hes gonna upset one of us, and I really think its gonna have to be me....

Why does it matter what his parents want you to do? Sounds like you'd be better off renting just to gain some independence from them, you're not children!

Oh dear that's not good, it looks like u have been together for a long time, u n ur h2b need to sit down and talk about this, u need to ask him if he wants to get married or if moving in together is what he wants to do 1st if he wants to move in with u can u not agree to it and the year after get married,
I can kind of see where the MIL is coming from, ur planing on marrying this person but you don't know if u can live together yet people become different when they settle down living together and u might find things out about each other u never knew before...
But I don't think.she should of said this after u got engaged that's not fair on u guys, don't let her get in the way of ur relationship you will get there soon good luck xx

@Holl - exactly, he wont be outta their control until we move out, and even then, the amount of control they have, im worried its gonna continue into our married life :/!! And if it gets that bad, I have no idea what I would do, I can't exactly say its me or your mum...

@xboxwidow - my mum agrees and thinks its complete delay tactics, she was just so happy when we got engaged, I dunno what her problem is now. I meant to be going to America with them for 3 weeks in July, I can imagine its going to be so awkward :(

@tinkerbell + @clareE - I think the only way we're gonna get out is to rent, and thats without their money, but thing is they are telling him renting is pointless, and he wants to listen and respect them by taking their advice, but then when he does that, they have no regard for what I might think!! The IL's never say anything when I'm around or ask anything about the wedding or moving out, they do it behind my back in H2B's ear!!!

I didnt get a chance to talk to him last night, we had a lovely romantic night in, and I didnt want to ruin it and start a possible argument so will try bringing it up tonight. Wish me luck!

Hun for the past year my MIL has been increasing hostile towards me but always when Mr lala was away, well it cam to a head over Christmas ad he told he exactly what he thought now she wont speak to us ....and he wants nothing more to do with her ..
all she has achieved by all this is to push her son away .. but we are happy together and nothing will spoil that ..

rent a place , they can still always help you towards a house in the future

I would definitely say rent - we've been doing it for the past 3 years together and would definitely not have been ready to be married without this experience (not saying you aren't, just saying renting is useful not pointless).
Renting is only a bit pointless when you're only looking at the financial aspects and you have the money for a house deposit (which we don't yet) - if they're holding the deposit money over you, then you two really need to get out and rent on your own. Serious delay tactics going on from you IL's hun! :(

You never know- once you start going to estate agents & getting viewings for properties they might realise they're being a pain and give you the deposit as planned!
It just sounds like they're using their money to control you two (esp h2b) and that's not good. You'd be better off renting & having a smaller wedding you finance yourselves IMO Xx

Good luck hun, renting is a great way to go about it buying a house is abit like the same as getting married ur making a commitment to be together long term, so the il's are really making no sence at the end of the day, do what's best for u both and tell him to grow some balls where is parents are concerned, sorry but it had to be said :( hope u both get everything sorted out soon xx

UPDATE: me and h2b had another talk last night, lasted about 3 hours (awkward silences and crying included). Well I basically feel like I can't win AT ALL, and I cant get through to him about his parents. He actually said that he liked them telling him how to live his life so how can I possibly do anything about that if he doesnt want to change?! His mum and dad said to him again the other day they are not ALLOWING us to marry before we get a house... ALLOWING?!! whos life is it again?!?! And h2b reeled off all this bs at me saying I chose the date without him (which I didnt, I asked him and we decided together) and how I am obssessed with his parents being horrible and obssessed with the wedding... I couldnt believe how horrible he was being and it is all because of them sticking the knife in! I maybe a bit harshly said, if it gets much worse I'm gonna give him an ultimatum, me or them, not meaning like cutting them off, but just supporting my thoughts and decisions instead of just going with theirs, and he said if I ever did that I would be a b****, so I feel so helpless that I can't do anything, and hes making me feel like if I say anything about his parents controlling I'm the one in the wrong :/... As h2b got his new job yday, we are starting to look at houses and I want to move out end of this year/early next year, but h2b is relying on his parents money to help us, which means we will be getting a house when THEY want us to! And the more they delay us the house, the more the wedding is delayed! I was begging him to listen to me and see what they are doing but he honestly cant see it, he sees it as me being nutty! I love him to absolute pieces but I cant carry on like this forever. He says as soon as we have a house he'll be out of their control but I dont think so, cause we'll still have their money held over us. If they are deciding when we get married, have a house, are they going to decide when we are allowed children too? I am not having it, but h2b will go along with whatever they say and when I express something I want, he says its all about me and im being selfish!

After he left, I had a think, and text him and said what about postpoing the wedding to the September next year, so only putting it back 6 months, instead of the year his parents wanted, at least then im meeting in the middle, although I shouldnt have to be. At the end of the day, its probably a very good idea, that gives us about 9 months if we can get a house jan next year, 9 months to see if his parents are still controlling our lives, that gives me 9 months to get out if they carry on, because if he wont support me even then and they carry on, I really don't think I can do it! :/... They are making me feel like I am the one being nasty, but I never wanted this! I want it to be me and him, and our lives and our decisions...

He SAYS hes gonna speak to his dad today and show him some houses, but I cant trust him to follow through on his word cause his parents dont let their kids speak up without shooting them down... I have a feeling im in for a bumpy ride :(

That's insane, I can't believe he's happy not to have his own mind and make his own decisions. Sounds like he doesn't want a wife and a relationship he just needs one to keep his parents happy. I think you're right in that you'll never get rid of them, if they're like this now they're not going to change just cause you don't live with them any more. They know they can control him so they'll be able to get him to do whatever they want.

I think giving him the ultimatum is fair, if he doesn't start putting you first soon, he's never going to and you don't deserve that.

I hope he sees sense and comes through for you!

Is there any reason he doesn't want to cut the apron strings and his parents are so controlling? I'm astounded a grown man would be so willing to let his parents make his decisions for him, unless there's some kind of underlying issues! If it was me I'd tell them to shove their money, it might mean the wedding had to be put off and scaled back, and a house deposit would be a long way off, but for the freedom of living my own life it would be worth it! But if h2b doesn't agree, that's all irrelevant, really feel for you, you're not being nutty, he just needs a kick in the bum!

I hope you're prepared to live in the house they want and have it decorated the way they want and I would imagine they will have a key each. Your h2b needs to take a look at his life and realise that is what it is, his life, for him to live with you. Those parents sound like a right pair of control freaks.

I never, ever thought Id be in this situation, like u said about ur mum @kelly, they have been nothing but welcoming and lovely to me for the last 4 years and now the wedding wheels were officially im motion, theyve stuck the spanner in and literally brainwashed h2b!! I really want to carry on beng a strong, independant woman, and right now I feel that has been taken away from me because of this whole situation. I said to James that I hope its gonna be OUR decision on which house we buy etc, because if they stick their noses in AT ALL when we're choosing houses, I'm literally gonna go mental.

Tbh before I thought we'd be alright, cause we've probably lived together for a total of about a year on and off at my house when my mum is away but after all this and how upset and angry its made me, I am actually really glad we've made the decision to postpone a little bit, because like I said before, it'll give me and him time to test if they are gonna carry on, and then he'll either have to do something about him it himself or I'll have to walk. Obviously I love him more than anything, ever! So, I really really hope, that if it comes down to it, he will support me and cut the apron strings for good.

I absolutely love my mum and dad, but their motto is 'Do whatever makes you happy' which is so nice, they are happy for us whatever we choose to do, yeah they'll express opinions and give advice and stuff but never, ever would they give us rules and conditions! We are just starting to look at potentiol houses so we'll just have to see how it goes I guess...!