Wedding Forum - What would you do in this situation?...

Hey girls,

Just wondered what your opinions on this situation are and what you would do.

Basically, my H2B is pals with a group of people from his school and theyve all hung about together for years. He was with a girl who was also in the group for about 4 years. One of the group a girl called lisa has moved away now. I really like her, she makes a lot of effort to be nice to me and she is chilled out and friendly. However, she is still pals with his ex (no one else in the group is anymore but they are friends with me). Now every single time she comes back for a visit she invites us all out together - including the ex. Would you have a problem going?

Now I need to give you a little bit of background for you to see why this bothers me. I used to work in the pub all these folk drank in about 10 years ago. I knew my now H2B when he was with her (I was with my first love at the time). She was always snidy to me and took the p*** out of me behind me back. She is a good looking girl but a total b**ch. Her pal was seeing an ex of mine behind my back and they both knew about it and just took the micky out of me. I am so insecure because girls have always been rotten to me. I always liked H2B when he was with her (would never have dreamed of saying so to anyone) cos we are very similar and always got on well. But I knew how much he thought of her and it still freaks me out a bit. In the end, she cheated on him and left him and did some pretty horrible things. So I know he doesnt have any feeling towards her now, it ended like 6 years ago but I cant help but get absolutely panic sticken at the thought of seeing her. She has a huge effect on me, I feel AWFUL around her.

Now its time to meet up again and H2B doesnt want to go cos he thinks it will cause a fight between us, that upset me because he should understand why I feel this way. What would you do? Grin and bare it or just not go?

Arrrrggghhhh exs!!!

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tell him he can go and u stay at home.....that is exactly what i do lol. it's a crappy situation to be in (and i find myself in it frequently) the best thing to do is to not let yourself get into the situation where u feel uncomfortable and just let him go instead. he should understand that. xxx good luck sweets xxx

I went last time and we all had a picnic in the park, it wasnt so bad but I was heavier than normal (my own fault for munching) and she was so thin and wearing a tiny playsuit thing. I was fine on the day but I got so upset the nest day because all I could think was how awful I looked next to her :-( she is a really good looking girl. Im not sayin that I am a munter lol but she is definately thinner. I know deep down H2B doesnt care about that stuff cos he is in love with me and we are so happy but its me thats gets myself all worked up.

He wouldnt go without me, he'd be worried about upsetting me bless him

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Just because she's she's thin and might look 'good' (and that's personal opinion not fact) doesn't mean you should feel inferior in any way to her. Again, your h2b is with you, NOT her - which means it's not his opinion that she's looks good lol.

And as for it only been 5 of you - I'm sure she'll feel like the gooseberry not been with anyone (and I'd play on that if I were you). Why not be very affectionate to your h2b (don't have to sit there snogging but just the occasional stroke on the hand/arm, and the eye contact). That will definitely mean you control the situation and she's the 'outsider'.

You know something...she's probably feeling just as uncomfortable as you. After all, you're the one he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with. He rejected her because of her character and what she did to him. Beauty is only skin deep, and fades with time but character runs all the way through, and is with you forever.

Ok, let me ask you this...what is it that you are afraid of?

dont put yourself in situations that make you uncomfortable because other can always sense tension, the other ladies are right though, at the end of the day it is you that h2b has chosen to be with so dont let that worry you. Whether this woman is thin or fat if she doesnt have a personality then there really is no point, i mean even Cheryl Cole got cheated on! so that means nothing! lol Just do what you feel comfortable with , your h2b should support you in your decision whatever it is....

Good Luck xx

I am not surprised you H2B doesn't really want to go. Why would he want to be around someone that did all that to him and he perhaps just doesn't want to put you through all that again after the way you felt last time, especially if its there are less people going than last time. Don't feel like anything is your fault! It doesn't sound like either of you really want to be in that situation so I would speak to Lisa and try arrange meeting her another time without the ex being there. xx

Have you spoken to your h2b about this? He may not have changed his shift because, as JenR101 said, he may not want to see her!
I'm sure his friends won't see it as him being under your thumb - if they have cut her out too they can't have liked her much in the first place...
Antonia's right though - if you really are that uncomfortable (rather than just a bit nervous) then don't put yourself through it & get upset. As I said, I would go because I'm stubborn, but that's me not you :) Xx

I tried to speak to him but Im having a terrible period this month and my emotions are horrible. I ended up just getting upset, I apologised later on and we are absolutely fine (he knows what Im like).

I'll try and say to him calmly tonight without either of us getting the ar5e for no real reason. Sometimes it sucks being a woman when hormones are mental. lol

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Know what you mean about male friends being easier - I've always found it harder to get on with women with all the subconscious "competition", b***hyness & general drama lol. Plus if you have male friends it seems to make it worse lol!
Good luck talking to h2b :) Xx
Ps - from her blanking it sounds like (if she has a soul/conscience) she was uncomfortable too so probably didn't notice you were. It always seems our behaviour is more obvious to us than other people :) Xx

Thank you everyone, will speak to hubby2be tonight. There is a part of me that wants to go because I've lost weight lol, just not quite enough yet haha.

thank you ladies :-)
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oooooh good point! That would be awesome! All eyes on us, she'd hate that. I look forward to that day hahaha

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If you're just worried that she will look better, I think you have to have a good think and ask yourself why it really matters how she looks. Why are you measuring yourself against her anyway? I think you are giving her way too much power over you.

I read somewhere (it might have been on this forum), that a good trick for being around people who make you feel uncomfortable is imagine yourself in a bubble. The only things that can hurt or upset you are the things that you allow to come through the bubble. The rest just bounces off. The key thing here is the words "you allow". You are in control of what you allow to come though, and how you react to the situation.

If you and your H2B decide to go, it might be worth trying this out.

You can even practice this before the event...just imagine yourself back in the situations you have already been in with this girl, but this time you are in the bubble. Re-play the events in your head but imagine the irritations and insecurities just bouncing off the bubble while you are safe inside.

Is this on a day to day basis or at your wedding? Either way, I would not have her there. If none of your friends like her then they won't mind you telling her where to go will they? Also, what does your h2b think of her? xxx

You say:

"Her pal was seeing an ex of mine behind my back and they both knew about it and just took the micky out of me."

Let me get this straight. Your ex boyfriend cheated on you with this girl's friend? And your ex and his other woman used to taunt you about it? xxx

lol, that was a very brief description I gave. What actually happened was I worked in a bar with a girl lets call her Sara and my mans ex - we'll call her Jill. Well they were best pals and I was seein a guy who also worked in the pub, he was sh*ggin Sara behind my back and jill knew about it. Everytime I was in the room it was whispers and sniggers and down right blatent remarks that they thought i was just a stupid wee girl. I dumped that guy after a couple of months but afterwards they both took great delight in telling me he'd been at it behind my back. Once they were both in his flat (jill was also my exs flatmate) and my now H2b was there too, me and my ex came back and he was supposed to have been having dinner with her and he was out with me. (only found this out afterwards) But they both looked at me as if a was something they scraped off their shoe. H2B had no idea about the whole thing. I only found out because Sara went to great lengths to give me the details!!!!

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Bridezilla ......... it was me that advised the bubble ......... wow i`m so chuffed you thought of that

get ya self glamed up ang go hold ya head high dont let the snooty bitch put u down she is no one but a nasty horible woman that noone likes by the sound oif it, first time she even looks at u funny "accidently" trip and spill drink all over her then she can foff home and leave u lot in peace. xxxx

Hello everyone, back from my wee holiday. Spoke to H2B about it and he got upset at first but then realised he was being a git (sometimes he just gets grumpy at me when I mention anything to do with her). He has said he doesnt want to go tonight :-) which makes me happy. I know he isnt just not going because of me. Its because they are all reformed smokers now and we still smoke, there will be one of those "we are so smug because we quit smoking and now we are better than you" type conversations (I know smoking is bad and I should quit).

But its all good because we spoke and he understands why I feel like this. He said said he doesnt want to go and sit near her either cos he cant be bothered with the bullsh1t she spouts. I just didnt want him not to go because of me but he has decided he doesnt want to go at all so I am happy :-)

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Thank you :-) I just get myself so worked up about her. She is like the popular girl in school who is a bully lol. I hated those girls but you are right, no one is better than anyone else. And they dont have the right to make me feel bad :-) I need more confidence and I am trying :-)

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I hate h2b's ex and i dont use that word lightly - she made my life hell as although she didnt want him (she ended their relationship by cheating on him for months and by the time we met was getting engaged to that guy) she still wanted to have a hold on him and couldnt stand the fact that he might move on (she was his first real love and they were together 3.5 years)
I was nothing but nice to her, she repeatedly threw it back in my face
However despite her being horrible they still have mutual friends that meet up - i dread every time i have to see her. this year two of the friendship group got married - i was invited to both hen parties and she wasnt, i took that as a massive compliment! and when i saw her at the wedding i just thought of that and the fact that despite her being friends with them for over 10 years thy chose me. Being the better person in my experience will pay off in the long time :)