Wedding Forum - Cancelling my wedding - am I doing the...

Hi all

I have been with my fiance for 3 years and we decided to get married back in October - the wedding should be 3 weeks today but we have been having real problems and I have decided to cancel the wedding. See if you think I am ding the right thing....

When we originally got engaged we wrote the wedding guest list together. I spoke to my mum about it and she asked me if I had invited my uncle (her brother) to the wedding. I had not as they had fallen out with them for some years and they had only just started to be friendly with each other again. She asked me if I would invite him as it was a family occcasion and it would be a good oppportunity to continue building bridges. I said that I had already invited as many people as I could afford so he could come to the reception instead. She asked me if I would mind inviting him if she paid for him. I saw no problem with this but this is where the problems began. My fiance said he did not want him there and that was that. There is no reason for this - my fiance has never even met my uncle!! To cut a long story short we have been having arguments since then, he has been very rude to both me and my mum and says unless I univite my uncle (who has replied and said he is looking forward to the day as well as booking a hotel!!) the wedding is off! He has left me in an impossible position especially with the things he has said about my family, things that I would never be able to forget (and are completely inappropriate to repeat). I have now decided that I will not be with a man who thinks it is acceptable to give me an ultimatum in this way and put me in an awful position.

I just wanted everyone's opinion that I am doing the right thing.

Thanks

oh hunny,

thats a tricky one.

firstly, if hes never met your uncle he has no right to judge, if it was a rift in the family before he arrives than he has no say. thats thats.

he also has no right to insult your family for no reason, is your mum is willing to pay for your uncle, she obvisously really wants him there. i know inlaws and b/h2b usually clash but he should have the respect to keep his mouth shut, and be pleasent to their faces, after all they are your parents.

but overall you need to consider how much you really love him and want to be with him, is he the pone you want to spend the rest of your life with reguardless of his feelings for your family.

if you think he really is the one your want to be with, then maybe try to talk to him and say that your uncle is family and if he respects and loves you he will let this one side. he doesnt even have to speak to your uncle. im sure there will be enough guests there that he can keep socially busy with others. and just smile and shake his hand when your uncle congratulations you both, and then make an excuse for a sharp exit.

i hope you manage to sort it out hun, its an awful place for you to be so close from your big day

big hugs

xxxxxx

Postponing sounds like the right solution here hun. I hope u can sort it out x

I think that youve made the right choice before its too late hun. Maybe work at getting your relationship back on track for the time being (thats if you still want a relationship with your partner). If after time and plenty of thought then maybe think about getting married at a later date. But with the way things are now, its definitely not a good idea to get married.

Hope you get things worked out and if you need us, we are here for you!xxxx

awh kingsy, it sounds like you are having a tough time at the moment. Family is so important. I think you are doing the right thing, like you say, is it right you should be in this ultimatum? Time is what you need to talk and think everything through. Thinking of you xxx

I cancelled a wedding a few weeks before the day due to issues with my then partner and my eldest son (about 10 yo at the time). We tried to stay together and work things out. I think thne girls here are right, postponing was the right thing to to do and hopefully you and your H2B can sit down and try work issues out

When you 1st made the guest list you would have sat down and said "shall we invite so and so" and make the decision between you to not invite certain people, so hes probably wondering why a member of your family (that he hasn't even met) is invited when some people he may have wanted there are not. and he doesn't get a say.
Obviously you cant uninvite your uncle now so you really need to sit down and talk, but also listen. hes probably feeling like its not his wedding and is making the ultimatum to get back some control. just let him know thats not the case.
hope you can work it out

i had an issue with Mr lala wanting to invite an uncle of his that he has had no contact with for at least the last 9 years ( i have never met him) mr lala wanted to invite him to the day do but i pointed out that we had to be very strict on num,bers and couldn`t he come to the eveing do instead we agreed on that ......so maybe that could be an idea for you >

Thanks everyone for your responses. I appreciate there will be several different view points but to me it is a totally unacceptable to uninvite anyone that has already been invited never mind a family member, close or not.

This all kicked off the day before new years eve so I have given it time and I have not rushed to my decision - it had been a slight issue before that but thats when he gave me the ultimatum. I have tried to talk to him and look at the situation from every angle but he will not budge. He is happy for me to univite my uncle knowing it will cause real problems and he says he hates my mother and he will never speak to her again. I have been constantly treading on egg shells with him and have been doing everything I can to 'make it up' to him even though I honestly don't feel it was wrong of me to invite him as a favour to my mum & dad.
Bear in mind my fiance is 21 almost 22 which may be part of the issue.

I agree that I could have handled the situation with my mum better and I have apologised for this over and over and set up a meeting for him to meet my uncle before the big day which he refused to attend. The way he sees it is if he 'allows' my uncle to attned them me and my mum will have 'won'.

It's a very sad situation as we have always got on great but this controlling side that I have now seen has forced me call off the wedding and untimatly our relationship as if he is happy to cause such a rift between us for such a simple things as 1 guest at a wedding what would be next!!

honey this is really sad, and i only hope that whatever happens you will find happiness at the end of it :] if you really love eachother maybe you can work through it but i wouldnt wish to say that you can sort it out; some things just cant be mended.
I hope he realises what he's loosing, over one guest, that he doesnt even have to pay for. Silly man. <3 x

Big hugs to you hun, i think you are doing the right thing. xxx

Aww hun what a horrible situation to be in. Is there anything underlying that could be causing this sudden change in him? xxx

Hugs hun

Im not saying hes not the one for you, it may just be a case of him seeing what he may lose would make him grow up and value you. I will say you deserve someone who treats you as an equal, respects your choices and does everything in his power to make you happy. Hugs hun xxx

thats a point; have you concidered postponign? <3 x

To Rags' idea - Don't even consider it!
If you thought his reaction to inviting the uncle without consulting him was bad, I would imagine his reaction to you lying to him and going behind his back inviting him anyway as 'he might not even know he's there' would be understandably worse.
I would go through the roof if Kieran did that to me and would probably end our marriage because of it.

what an awful situation to be in and my heart goes out to you. For what it is worth I think you are doing the right thing! x

You need to sit down and talk huni, find out why, hope you get it sorted xx

I really want to tell you to explain the reasons you want your uncle there (building bridges etc) and see if there's some form of compromise
BUT
This doesn't sound like it's your mother trying to 'win' anything, sounds more like he's trying to compete with your mum so he 'wins' and I would bet the last 20p I have in my purse he'd be even more upset than you are if it was you telling him to uninvite his uncle.

To me he sounds like a total control freak, threatening to call off the wedding if you don't univite you uncle is neither a loving or understanding thing for a future husband to do and I know if Ross put me in that position then I'd tell him where he could stick his wedding.

It's a tough one to call so my best advice is to listen to your gut feeling on this one. I hope it works out whatever you decide
xxx

Hope everything works out for you hun xx

any update hun? does he know you going to cancel it? might make he see sense

awww big hugzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz xxxxx sorry 2 hear that hun but its prob for the best!! hav u got any money back or lost alot?

thats true!!!

So sorry hun its probs for the best

aww hun sorry it has turned out like this but as you say its best you found out now and if he cant be respectful of your family then its not good xx big BIG HUGS!!!