Hi !

My problem:
I am the head bridesmaid and my partner who i've been living with for 7 months has not been invited to my best friend's 2-day wedding in any shape or form. In fact, I don't even have a +1 on the invitation. We've paid for a double room at the actual venue, but it looks like it'll just be me in it.

How this came to be:
I am soon to be divorced from my ex (by the time my best friend's wedding is upon us, we will be 3-4 months divorced, having been separated for 11 months ). The wedding began being arranged around 2 years ago and involved some pretty nice and luxury things, from the wedding venue through to the dresses.
My partner, who I left my husband for, has met everyone (aside from my ex) as I have been very delicate to his feelings - he is still my friend on social networking and I don't post anything about my new life with my partner on it to avoid any problems with the last stages of the divorce, which seem to be going through smoothly (it really has been a smooth divorce).

The invitation came through and needless to say he was very aggrieved. I didn't query why he wasn't there as I felt it wasn't my place to question the Bride on her choices. I am going to feel rotten as everyone will be loved up at the ceremony, then the reception, and then the evening do, dances and then we are all staying overnight at the same venue where I will be alone away from my partner whilst everyone else will be together.

The problem is that my ex is also in attendance, just as a guest (whilst I am head bridesmaid) but staying the night too at the same hotel and venue.

After seeing my partner being hurt by their actions (he has met them all and they get on well), I contacted the bride-to-be, who told me that she had actually asked my ex if he would mind if I attended with my partner. He said "no" to me attending with my partner as he still feels he isn't up to see me with anyone else. One of the reasons why we broke up was that he was controlling, and despite us being divorced, he is still controlling me, and by extension, my new partner too (which he is livid about).

So my predicament is that I am stuck in the middle here, I have a wedding where I am head bridesmaid for, where my partner won't be present at the ceremony, reception, night do, or overnight stay, or morning-after breakfast but my ex-husband will be there the whole time.

I can't help but feel like this situation is a bit odd as my ex still controls me - might he be rude to me, overly nice or simply he just wants to cause disharmony between me and my partner by splitting us up at such a romantic event. Or that my best friend just wanting as little hassle as possible?

I hope you can appreciate that this is a very fragile situation, and despite my best friend being the bride-to-be, I don't believe I can talk to her about it as it is her special day and i've already months and months ago told her I would attend.

Without my partner there, I feel it will be horrible and awkward for both him and me, and at some level, I feel that they are either seeking the path of least resistance (in case my ex kicks off a fuss) or they are essentially picking his feelings over mine.

I feel that I could attend, but it will be awkward and i'd feel bad for my partner not being there. I know it will not be pleasant knowing that my partner won't be there with me to share this romantic celebration weekend with me all because my ex didn't want him there, and essentially, was it to get me by myself after the divorce to have a go at me or to cause issues with me and my partner or simply to still try to exert some control over me still.

I've never seen my partner this affected by something and I know him very well, he isn't happy with this situation at all as I have already said I will be her bridesmaid and i've already arranged her hen weekend. He has suggested he could stay the night in the room that we've paid for, just that he won't attend any ceremonies, but I'd feel bad for him being a 'dirty secret' locked away out of sight, but I'd also be comforted knowing that he was there for me, and I know he would feel better too. But i'd feel I'd be doing my best friend an injustice as she didn't invite him or want him there.

How can I resolve this situation amicably?
DO I have a heart-to-heart with my best friend?
Do I attend the event at all?
Do I attend only part of it and not stay the night, or leave before the evening do? (i'd feel I would be doing the bride-to-be a disservice by having a bridesmaid leave at this point).

On the flip side though, I feel upset that the only people without partners are myself and my ex husband, and basically, it is with our shared friends, so it will be super awkward as it'll just be us two who have no dancing partners, etc.

My partner has said that he wouldn't feel comfortable inviting my best friend and her soon-to-be husband to our wedding if this is how little they respect me and our relationship, but I really want her to be there.

Is he justified to feel like this?

What can I do?

Jen

Didn't want to read and run first of all sorry to hear your in this position, I think its unfair for your friend to make you feel this way, I get that your ex is her friend too and she should respect your feelings as well as his, but to ask him if he would feel uncomfortable having your new partner there I didn't think is fair, she will know what you dealt with being in that relationship and she will know he will be controlling, ok don't your new partner to the day part but to not invite to the evening I think is very unfair. I agree you cant step down after all she's your best friend but I think she needs to reconsider your partner and invite him to the evening do, he's with you and going to be your husband so he deserves to also be there. Your ex also needs to get over it and realise that saying he wouldn't be happy with you attending as a couple to the wedding that wont change things and your going to marry this man. I don't blame your Fiancé for saying he wouldn't want them at your wedding as they have made him feel like an outsider, they all need to look at the bigger picture and consider your feelings too. Also think having your new partner in the hotel waiting until the wedding is over is an insult in itself to him and your right you shouldn't have to feel like he's being hidden from anyone. If i was you and in the position I would be there for my friend but I wouldn't stay over and i wouldn't stay all evening, I would also be very aware of the back lash from this in the future and would be thinking I might loose a friend. Hope you can talk to your friend and come to a happy medium where your partner can attend in the evening xx

lala bunni I did ask (sorry if it was lost in my big wall of text) - I asked her if there was a slight oversight (in a nice way) and she responded that she asked my ex if he would mind if I brought my partner, and he said yes he does mind, so she said that she wouldn't invite him based on that response.

She did say that she is happy for me and my partner finding each other and being so happy together, and she wished he could have been invited, but he couldn't as she said my ex didn't want him there. There is also suggestion that our shared friends would find it awkward to deal with me and my new partner together if my ex is there too.

Surely it will be awkward already if myself and my ex are in the same room anyway...

Sarah D to be - I understand about not attending the night do and overnight, but I promised the bride-to-be that I would be there a long time ago for her. Also the bride-to-be really wants me there at breakfast so we can chat and gossip about the night before all together with all our friends (well, minus my partner, but with my ex there).

I've also already paid the bride-to-be for my double room in the swish venue, so i'd need to get that money back. It's just a horrible situation to find myself in, I feel like I should attend on my own to respect the bride-to-be's wishes, but I doubt i'd be happy or have much fun, but I know that my partner would not be happy at all with this as he feels like my ex is dictating our lives, and neither of us want this wedding to be driving a wedge between us.

I don't think I'd want to go (even if I was a bridesmaid) if my partner wasn't invited too. I'd ask why he isn't invited, and if he can't I'd "pull out" of being a bridesmaid and speak to the venue about a refund for the room if the bride can't help. Nobody has to fall out, it's just one of those awkward situations.

I think you really need to sit down and chat with her. You ex is the one is is controlling the invite list, he has no right to. Hard tough that he will see you with someone else, it's going to happen at some point. Your friend should be happy that you are happy and want what's best for you, not your ex. I'd tell her, if you are not able to bring your partner along for fear of upsetting your ex husband,then you wish not to be there.

I might sound harsh but I don't think your friend is taking into consideration your feelings at all. After 11 months your ex should be able to accept that you have moved on. Why on earth she asked him how he would feel about it puzzles me, does that mean she values him and his feelings more than you. Its her wedding so why should your ex have a say. If he has an issue with your new partner being there he should step away. Unless she has not been honest as to why she does not want your new partner there and is using your ex as an excuse/reason.

If I was in your situation I would at least expect my oh to get an invite to the evening and to stay overnight. No way on this earth would I stay in a hotel where my ex was without my partner.

You really need to have a good talk to her. For me id feel there would be the following options. Step away completely, attend the main part of the day but leave before the evening and not stay overnight.(this being if your partner is not allowed to attend the evening etc)

Its not nice for your new partner to know that you are still being controlled from afar by your ex. If you don't stand up for yourself and your new partner now with this friend similar situations could happen again in the future for different celebrations etc.

I don't want to sound harsh but I have a slightly different view. I completely understand what everyone has said and agree however I can also see it from the 'ex' point of view slightly. You originally put that you 'left' your then husband for your new partner (everyone deserve to be happy and I say well done for it) however I have been on the receiving end of this previously. I was left for someone else (and cheated on at the same time) even though he was controlling etc etc he is bound to still have some sort of feelings. I know they all get on with your now partner and that's great, but if you and your ex were all part of the same group of friends there will still be some sort of loyalty no matter how lovely your new partner is.
The wedding has been planned, as you said, for near on 2 years now and I think if you drop out you will regret it. End of the day she's still your best friend and sadly you just need to make the best of a fragile and awkward situation. I do think you should talk to her just to let her know how this has made you feel but ultimately she's also going to be worried and stressed out enough with everything she's got to do.
I don't mean to sound horrible if I do I'm just trying to be honest xx

clair - my ex is her fiancé's friend, not best friend or best man etc, but a friend who they do stuff together with. They're not related or anything, and they've known each other for about 4-5yrs. I've known my best friend for around 15 years. My best friend said, when I told her I was divorcing him, that she found him controlling, amongst other 'qualities'.
He is treating the groom at the wedding to ridiculously expensive hire car (costing in excess of £1200) to arrive to the wedding in (one of the other reasons I left him was that he was very reckless with money!).

Her fiancé has told me he feels like he is betraying his friend every time he meets my partner - something about a 'bro code'. I often wonder if this will ever be resolved, or if it will always be 'just me' and my partner remains away, never accepted into the group. I've had these friends for nearly 15yrs and we've always been a tight unit, but with me divorcing my ex, I feel that they've been put in a tricky situation and have sided with him, since he was the one who was left, not me who was the one who finally took charge of my life, left my controlling ex, discovered who I was and what I want and found real happiness.

Thanks VictoriaL46, I can't help but feel that the Bride-to-be and Groom-to-be just don't want to risk a situation where my ex gets angry or upset.
If rumours are true, he has his own partner who he has been seeing for around 6 weeks now, and by the time of the wedding, will be about 4-5 months into their relationship, and my best friend has said that he won't be bringing her along. This could simply be because he couldn't bring his partner in any case as he is sharing a twin room with the Best Man, so his partner couldn't stay with him.

The room that I have was originally intended for me and my ex, so it apparently took a lot of careful negotiating and compromise from the Bride-to-be to secure that room for me, and I wouldn't be surprised if he stipulated I could have the room so long as I didn't share it with my partner.

MrsC2bee - that is what my partner feels, but he said he will just deal with it and support me as it won't be easy for either of us. I would feel terrible if my ex had to leave because of my partner being there; I don't like falling out with people and always try and keep the peace, so I'm happy me and my partner have come to an agreement where I can still attend without any more arguments about loyalty, my best friend picking my ex over me (and by extension my partner) and I think in the heat of one argument he said about me picking my best friend over him, which he apologised for.

tbh, i know you arent happy about this, but it is her wedding, if she wants to avoid ruptions by not inviting either of your partners, that is just the way it goes i am afraid. i wouldnt not go because my partner wasnt invited, i find that petty, and again, it is her wedding I would be trying my best to be supportive and understanding how awkward the situation is.

i wouldnt let anyone dictate my guest list to me, personally, i would say get stuffed, il invite who i want, but I totally understand her reasoning behind it. she will be kept awake thinking 'what if it kicks off' when she should be thinking 'cake, cars, dress, woohoo' At least neither your partners are going so at least it isnt just you. if that were me id understand that it is an awkward situation and id leave the new man home. it isnt the end of the world. i wouldnt want her lying in bed stressing about it just because im miffed my fella isnt invited and i wouldnt want to cause an atmosphere by them both being there either.

jenny, as for your friend partner saying he is betraying his friend or whatever, that is just something he will have to come to terms with, and they will get over it eventually. when you are in the same friend groups it makes things awkward

overall, i agree with kayleigh xx

I sill think it all wrong, what a horrible situation for you to have to be in! You have really got to think long and hard about this. If she dose give in and invite your oh it will probably hurt you ex.. But he will have to get use to it, it's not like you to are getting back together. I get that you don't want to upset any one but whats more important, you friendship with your friend who chooses you ex over you and your new partner. Or you new partners happiness, he shouldn't have to just deal with it. Xx

Hi Jen,

You poor thing, I can only imagine what you must be going through.

Speak with the bride, she's your best friend, surely she would feel exactly the same if the shoe was on the other foot.
Suggest calmly, that you and your partner want you to have a lovely wedding and that there is zero animosity between you and your ex.
As your best friend she should understand that this ex of yours was controlling and that by any means necessary, he will continue to do so. Why should he have an opinion on who can and can not be invited?
If your partner is feeling hurt by this (and rightly so), suggest that you can't stay a night away from him knowing that you'll be alone and your ex will be within close proximity, state that you'll be far too uncomfortable and leave during the reception. You would have completed your role as Maid of Honour and while the drinks are flowing you'll find that many others will be coming and going aswell.
The bride either changes her mind or you leave in the evening - saves arguments all round!
Good luck <3

Firstly welcome Jens other half, hope your well!

Secondly 'There have been several events where Jen hasn't been invited to, which were arranged in secret involving everyone bar Jen (and me)' do you know if the Bride is the one who has instigated the meet ups without you 2 etc? The way you've written it to me seems to come across completely different and it sounds as though they are asking her to chose between you and them.
'we're at your friend's birthday bash at the moment, your ex is here, I really miss you and wish you were here, it's horrible without you here part of the big old group' - this is absolutely out of order and disgusting!! Nothing is stopping this friend from making plans with Jen or even keeping her included or updated.
My advice would be to go to the wedding and leave on the evening reception. If anything is then said by 'said friend' just ask her how her recent actions etc have made her feel over these past few months etc. Tell her to keep her chin up! With friends like these sounds like she doesn't need enemies xx

Other half still here.

You must bear in mind that this is just my opinion, but Jen really doesn't want to have anything negative be experienced by her best friend for the wedding. She is happy to just comply and go with the flow.

We met up with her friends last night, bride-to-be seemed to be quite cold to me - although i'm wondering if this a self-fulfilling prophecy - she may feel bad for not inviting me and is probably expecting me to be odd, and i'm cheesed off so am odd, and detecting her being odd so react in kind. They also discussed the wedding several times about all the things they're going to do - all whilst I was there which was once again uncomfortable for me which Jen detected and said I seemed distant and quiet all night.

Jen remarked it is just a really difficult situation juggling our relationship and her friends and things will never be what they once were with them, when there were no worries about people getting on, no animosity or difficulties with people meeting up and checking the invite list to see who else is in attendance before accepting etc. She really wants me to be with her friends like I am to her, so they can see how special we are together, but I told her that is because we love each other, and they won't feel that same connection as it isn't love between me and her friends!

Jen is meeting her best friend at the weekend to go over wedding and hen night plans on their own, so i'm not sure how that will go, but if previous meet ups provide anything to go by, Jen will be upset and introverted/reflective afterwards. If Jen mentions anything about the wedding i'm sure her friend will have a few cards to play to make Jen feel guilty or stupid for expressing her opinion, and Jen will probably suck it up and think that she is being selfish.

It's a frustrating situation!

I know what you are saying but I don't think that Jen wants that. She realises what is at stake if she says anything, so she isn't. I think that as I am the lenient, understanding and supportive partner it is easier if I allow her to go uncontested than her alienate herself from her friend/s. She has divorced her ex and been through so much recently so it is understandable why she would not want any further aggro. She hates to think that she has done something wrong, or someone (anyone, anywhere) doesn't like her through her actions.

As I said earlier, I am sensing an unhealthy friendship here, but she has to see it herself, I cannot come between her and her friends as that would be making her choose me or them.

Some people are too good for others, Jen sounds like an absolute doll, but also (sorry sorry) a little bit of a mug (sorry sorry again).
Basically, what I'm trying to say is, albeit it's about the bride and her wishes bla bla bla, Jen should still be able to air her thoughts and feelings to those who deem themselves as friends; and those friends should support and assist in a resolution.

'we're at your friend's birthday bash at the moment, your ex is here, I really miss you and wish you were here, it's horrible without you here part of the big old group' - THAT is the most appalling text message. From a 'Friend' too? Please, this friend sounds like a witch; stirring her big spoon around her bubbling cauldron!

We can all sympathise with Jen regarding the peaceful option - smile and wave; but why should she? She gets belittled, ignored, uninvited, made to feel guilty/bad and then told her partner can't attend the wedding she has a lovely part in because her controlling EX is there?
This bride sounds like a precious little B***H who needs to grow up.
Tell the bride how you feel to be honest is she really that big a loss? Sorry if these comments are somewhat harsh but I, like many others I imagine have all been in similar situations, get rid honey, it's an easier life! xx

The text message about the party is appalling. If she had declined the invite and that text was sent it would be different, but to not be invited and then told your missed is really unfair.

Jen, you sound like you have a very lovely partner who will support your decision either way. It remains the brides perogative to invite who she wants but I do think you should air your feelings that you would be uncomfortable without your partner and that he feels excluded from the friendship group, especially because the ex appears to have said no to him being invite. Perhaps ask for a compromise that he could come to the evening do so you will stay longer and not be alone at night.

However if I'm honest, I also think you need to reflect on the friendships you have. Your partner says that whenever you see this friend you come away feeling guilty and upset. No friend should make you feel like that every time you see them. You should have had a great time and come away with a smile. I appreciate it may be very difficult following the major life changes post divorce but these toxic friendships are doing nothing for your happiness. X

Having read all of this the b2b doesn't sound like much of a friend let alone best friend.

By not inviting your MOHs partner you're not acknowledging or accepting the relationship which IMPO is incredibly insensitive and disrespectful. One of my friends has a boyfriend who I can't stand the sight or sound of, just really don't like him and hubby feels the same yet he was still invited to our wedding (I just sat him at the back corner table furthest away from the top table facing away from us so I didn't have to look at him. Then got the official photographer to crop a picture he was in for the album).

The ex should grow a pair and just be grown up.

The so called group of friends should mind their own business and not get involved. Their behaviour is childish like you find in a school playground.

To me it sounds like Jen needs to be up front and honest with her so called best mate and say that she is getting hurt and should not always be the butt of the jokes and she does not think it is funny.

Also that her friends and ex cannot dictate what she can and cannot do and if you are able to be part of the group.

I get that it will be hard for the ex but he has a new partner too so the quicker everyone meets the quicker all this nonsense can stop and hopefully move on.

If not it sounds like everyone it just going to tread on egg shells round the ex and nothing is ever going to get sorted and everyone will stay miserable.

Jen man up and have a heart to heart open and honest with your best mate and if she can't see your side then maybe she isn't your best mate after all.

Life is too short for stupidity like this x

It was originally going to be me not going to the wedding, but there are 2 birthdays, 2 christenings and several other meets planned before New Years (the big meet time, apparently) which i've been told that i'm not to be invited to.

B2B is starting to really wind me up, and i'm frankly getting a bit suspicious if she is wanting me to front it out with her, or me and Jen to fall out over this.

It all comes down to Jen asserting herself, but given every choice (usually "don't go" versus "go"), Jen always sides with "go" as she has already said she is going, and her maid of honour dress has been ordered and made. The B2B wants Jen to approach her ex at this double-birthday party on Sunday and to just make small talk with him to show all the friends that there are no issues between them - they don't want the wedding to be the first time they are together with their friends, in case there is any animosity or trouble. There will also be several other things planned where they meet up as the 'old bunch' to assure the friends that they can get on amicably.

This situation just sits awkwardly with me and seems far too match-maker-y for my liking - Jen doesn't think they mean it like that, but it's very awkward as if I mention it to Jen she takes it personally and asks me what she should do. I've told her she can not go to the evening do, not go to the wedding at all, or see if I can stay the night do, but she doesn't want to go against what she has promised her best friend (in that she will go alone, without me!).

Jen remarked that we are a couple and should be able to manage 2 days without each other, which I agree with, but what I don't agree is that everyone around her is a couple and her ex is there too. It is a happy occasion for couples to share other couple's happiness.

What a horrible situation. Poor Jen. The bride doesn't have the right to dictate what you and Jen do. It sounds like she is basically taking it upon herself to manage Jen's relationships with the group and her ex, which is really not her place. It also sounds like the ex is playing the victim and getting the sympathy (obviously I don't know anything about what happened in their relationship). Unfortunately no one can force Jen to turn her back on her friends, she has to do that when she is ready. All you and her family can do is support her and show her lots of love and compassion until that time. I can kind of see that maybe the B2B is trying to take steps to ensure no awkwardness at the wedding, but if that is the case she's going about it the wrong way. It's up to Jen and her ex to sort things out and no one else.