I am very lucky to have my parents and in laws that help us out A LOT (we have 2 small children). In a conversation to my H2B my mother said that her and my father would be paying for the wedding (this was a long time ago), since this time several different things have happend and my mum no longer thinks that they should pay and they are going to ask my future in laws for a contribution. My future in laws have 2 daughters of thier own and my H2B has been married before which they probably helped with they a quite well off so money is not an issue, unlike my parents, i just feel bad that my mum has said one thing and now is going back on it. I HATE not being able to pay for it ourselves (we are sooo lucky i know) so i am keeping the cost down (cheapish dress, making my own bridesmaid dresses, making my own veil & high street shoes etc) do you think i am obssessing over nothing and stop worring I just dont want to start everyone off on the wrong foot, i have tried telling my mum how i feel but she just gets stressed treats me like a spoilt teenager!
CommentAuthorMrsSaraParry!
edited
well i know everyone wont agree with me so apologies if I offend anyone, but why should you parents pay for it all? The days of the brides parents paying for everything are dead and buried in my opinion. I think its only fair to expect his parents to give a contribution to be honest. I realise that the issue is that you mum said originally that they would pay for it, but perhaps their circumstances have changed or maybe they just don't think its fair for them to pay for all of it - I personally think they'd be right. I would leave it to them to sort out between themselves, and try not to worry about it.All that being said, we're paying for ours ourselves with the exception of my dress which was a gift from my mum. Adam's parents havent offered us a penny xx
CommentAuthorNicsquared
I think its quite normal these days for both sets of parents to contribute if they are able to - but i think you should be careful about how you go about it - its much nicer if they offer than have to be asked Maybe you could get everyone together and talk about plans and take it from there??
There are so many people out there who will tell you
what you can't do.
What you have to do is turn around and say, "watch me"!!
CommentAuthorKaz
I'm making just about everything myself too! We have set a budget for ourselves of £1,000 and are getting married in a church as well. We set it all up so that if no-one offers us any money then it is still do-able! It's not, in this day and age, reasonable to ask anyone to contribute to the wedding and, if it was me, I'd rather put the wedding back a year and save up a bit more than ask for money!
WARNING:
I say the first thing I think of!
CommentAuthorlolli88
I know exactly what you mean, when we first got engaged everyone said they would help (except my mum and stepdad, they have already helped with loads and want to help us get a mortgage) but she did say she will pay for my dress!!
Everyone says they will help, but no one gives you a number that they are happy to give (except my dad and stepmum)
Between me and H2B, we asked everyone and waiting to hear back, if they don't bring it up neither will we!!!
yeah it is all very complicated he has obviously been married before he works for his parents so doesnt get a proper wage!! which is why we have no money on some (rare) occasions i cant even do the weekly shop i am going back to finish my degree in sept so saving is completely out especially for a wedding with two kids it difficult! lol i have tried to hint i would rather just leave it until we can prehaps be a bit more in our feet but that upsets my mum too! I know that in this day and age both side put something in the point I just feel bad for them 1. they help us all the time with money 2. they have two other daughters not yet married one engaged 3. he has been married before! ergh i am being a twit arent I?! xxx lol
CommentAuthorLisa Ramos
I don't think your parents should foot all the bill, but I don't think your inlaws should be asked to contribute either. I personally would be furious if my son's partners family asked me to contribute to their wedding. If your Mum can no longer afford to contribute towards the wedding then she should just sit you down and explain, what she wants to give you.
I love my lickle Ava
CommentAuthorlolli88
No your not being twit!! sit down with your H2B and explain it all to him!! if he agrees then put your day off for a while, and if your mum really has a problem with it just explain you are trying to be responsible!! maybe that will change her mind and it will also give a hint to hs family, maybe then they might start savng to help out too!!
Lx
CommentAuthorfutureburrough
that is how i feel! that way we could then go to his parents ourselves and then work to that budget be so much easier! but my mum has the bit of a control freak about her bless her (only coz she cares) :)
CommentAuthorCandC
I know this is playing on your mind and I can only imagine how it is for you. Me and my partner have been together 11 years and we decided that we were going to get married reguardless of contributions. Both sides of the family are I'm sure able to offer something (however small) but neither have...I feel slightly hurt by the fact that no one has offered, I dont expect anything but I'm their only daughter and thought maybe they would like to contribute to my dress. My parents sound selfish now and they are far from it. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that if they are willing to lift the burden accept but know what their limits are so you dont offend..We've had to budget for everything but I wouldnt change a thing. You're a very lucky woman to have the offer
Good luck with everything x
CommentAuthorKaz
Your not being a twit but if you want things to be civil between you, your H2B, your parents and your in-laws2B then you need to rethink the whole thing! I'd be horrified if my mother spoke to my MIL2B to ask for money towards MY wedding! You already have to kids together, why the sudden rush to get married? xx
WARNING:
I say the first thing I think of!
CommentAuthorlinzi
I would never have dreamed of setting out arranging a wedding expecting everyone else to pay for it!! we wanted to get married, so we sat and worked out what our budget would be, and how long it would take us to save up for it. Then set our date.
sorry if I pee anyone off, but if you cant afford to get married, then dont. I bet your Mum feels a lot more bad than you do that they cant pay for the wedding. My parents paid for my sisters £10k wedding back in 1999 (that was a LOT of money then for a wedding!) but since then, like you, a lot of things have happened including my parents splitting up. So both are giving me £1500 each and I am very very grateful for that, and I dont feel bad at all that they can no longer pay for my wedding.
As for his parents, we didnt ask for a thing. They offered to pay our £350 cake and that is fine. if they dont offer, I dont think they should be asked.
I don’t repeat gossip so listen very carefully!!
Started Slimming World - 23/03/2011 - 2 Stone to lose!
Total Loss = 1 stone 7 lbs.
As at 23/11 - 3 days before the wedding.
CommentAuthorNicsquared
We budgeted for everything and made sure we could pay for everything But we also asked both our parents if they would like to contribute anything - it enabled us to take the pressure off so if something does go wrong we have a bit of a buffer I dont feel in anyway bad for asking and would do it again
There are so many people out there who will tell you
what you can't do.
What you have to do is turn around and say, "watch me"!!
CommentAuthorWeeMintyMonkie
My mum and dad said that its tradition that the grooms family pay for the kilts but my H2Bs mum cant help us out due to her health and he doesnt have a good relatioship with his dad! So we will be paying for them i think my dad and bro will pay for theirs to help us out and my mum and dad are paying for food and deposits!
My SIL bought my bridesmaids dresses although i will pay her back and my cousin foster mum has offered to pay for hers anyway! xxx
CommentAuthorfutureburrough
I have tried to hint to put it off so we can pay for it ourselves i wouldnt care if we got married in a registary office but i am the only daughter and only granddaugther on mum mums side from a greek family so it would not go down well but i think i am going to try and gt my mum to set an amount her and my dad feel they are comfortable to contribute then we can add to it and go to his parents ourselves that way hopefully there wont be any bad feeling! just hope my mum doesnt take it the wrong way! xx
Valid point about the fact we already have children together but that is the rush I HATE having to correct people when they call me mrs burrough or fill out something when my kids have different name from me some people then make assumptions and judgements about you, which to start with i really didnt care about but I am starting to get tired of it now! lol
Thanks guys you have helped me with a reasonable solution this is the first time i have ever used a forum on any site and it has been a useful experience! hope all your weddings are what you dreamed of, I know mine will be whatever happens (or whenever!!)
CommentAuthorVicky
We sat both sets of parents down and said that its was 50:50 of whatever they wanted to give us and if there wasnt enough we would top it up but want to know as needed to budget etc. Both parent were happy spoke to one another and gave us there figure. It was a conversation I wasnt look forward to but it couldnt have been easier.
I think we are so lucky because so many of my friends getting married have said parent say one thing and do another or if they are contributing want a massive say in things.
CommentAuthorLittle Kettle
We always knew that it would be up to us to pay for it and H2B's parents have never offered anything to contribute, but both of them as well as my mum are on pensions now, so wouldn't dream of asking them as I know there simply isn't the money there! My mum's decorating our London venue and has contributed towards the decorations for that, and H2B's mum is *supposed* to be making a Flowergirl dress for her grandaughter (yet to see the fruits of that labour though). I think whatever people can manage is fine and we are grateful for that, no matter how small a contribution that may seem. We know it's given with all the love in the world.
Vegas baby!
Moderator
CommentAuthorx~Hails~x
edited
In this day and age i personally think the only person expected to pay for a wedding is the person getting married.
If parents OFFER to help with costs then fantastic but I wouldnt ask them. If you cant afford to get married then in my opinion you should wait untill you can. One reason we are getting wed in 2015 is because we decided we wanted our own house first and with 3 kids we thought this was more important then one day, so we postponed until we could afford to do both!
We have been VERY lucky so far tho as my mate is a cake maker and has offered to do the cake saving us £420. My oldest sister is buying my nieces bridsmaids dresses and my younger sister is paying for my dress which is HUGE weight off my mind! Love family (sometimes)
UKBride moderator both on here and on facebook
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart
It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.
CommentAuthorcharlottelee
We also are paying for everything ourselves. We didnt want to be reliant on other people to pay for things and then get nearer the time and they cant afford it then we would be stuck trying to fix it and find money that we simply dont have. Our budget was purely put together based on the bit we had in savings and what we know we can afford to put aside each month. We also have 2 children so understand how hard putting money aside can be. If family do contribute it is just a bonus for us and means we can add in something that at present we cant have.
Going to become Mrs Stockman
Got engaged on 26th April 2011
Getting married 19th May 2012
CommentAuthorbridalmiss
We set out to pay for everything ourselves, which with a family size of 90 and then friends etc bringing the food count to 154 and another 40 or so to the night just meant that we had to start a budget early so we knew what we were getting ourselves into - I've also found that by hunting around or negotiations we've got discounts on everything so far except the venue hire (obviously!) - even our caterer has come down by 20% and the underskirt for my dress I got for 45% of the shop price because I happened to see it online a couple of days later so the shop price matched! Also roped the family into helping where possible, so Mum is making the cake and my brother is printing the invites for us as he works in a design agency!
CommentAuthorsuzky123
we are paying for everything ourselves which is why we have waited for 2 years to make sure that we defo have the money. Turns out we could get married now but we werent to know, never mind lol. Parents have given a contribution but it was not asked for. Each set wants to contribute to a set part which is great but we have done it without them, this is just an added bonus. I am afraid I agree with hails, in todays society, it is the bride and groom who are expected to pay for the wedding so if they cant, I believe that to save stress on themselves and family members, perhaps waiting until it can be paid for easily is the only real option? Just opinion tho
cant wait to be Mrs Evans less than 3 weeks woooo
start weight 10st 1.5 lbs
weight now 8st 4.5 lbs
total loss to date: 24.5 lbs now need to maintain!
CommentAuthorBex
We have both been extremely lucky, both sets of parents have given us money and would not take no for an answer and they have also said that there is more to come. Both myself and H2B have told them until we are blue in the face that we will pay for our wedding but they are having none of it.
We are going to get them a really nice present and are going to pay for their rooms on the night of the wedding but we are both so grateful to them.
I think it is really nice if parents want to contribute but I don't think it should be expected from them xxx
CommentAuthortimpson123
My parents are paying for everything except rings and honeymoon, which we are paying for. They wanted me to ask FIL to pay for registrar but we don't think he can afford it so daren't ask. We hope to pay for that and flowers invitations and bridesmaid shoes and gifts.
how do you think the in laws would react to being asked?
CommentAuthorfutureburrough
they would be fine its just how they are asked that is what i am worried about! lol just to clarify i have never asked for my parents help it is always offered the conversation between her and my H2B was before he had offically asked me! I agree unless someone offers I think its rude to ask especially for something that is basically a massive excuse for a party this is why I have got into such a tis about my mum insisting she will ask in laws i personally think its a bit rude but i think a sit down and chat is needed with my mother I need to be a bit braver i am useless at confrontation which is what i am probably going to get but it will all turn out fine everything all ways does in my experience no matter how bad things get! lol xx
CommentAuthorBex
I'm sure things will get better but I agree, I think you need to speak to your mum and just explain why you are not comfortable with asking for money and just be honest with her. Once she knows your reasons for not asking then she may actually agree with you.
Hope everything goes ok xx
CommentAuthorKaz
How much have you got so far? It needn't cost a fortune, anyone with any skill at all can be called upon, instead of giving you gifts! lol xx
Ours is still on budget, under £1,000, and we're getting married in a church!
WARNING:
I say the first thing I think of!
CommentAuthorJill
I think you're right hun - it's lovely if they offer but I'd feel uncomfortable asking too. H2b and I are paying for our wedding, but my mum and gran are buying my dress and h2b's parents have paid for our honeymoon which we're really grateful for. Maybe your mum didnt realise how much a wedding costs these days - I know that as we've been planning the budget has increased more and more but thankfully h2b is great with money and we'll be able to cover it. Your mum probably just wants to give you the wedding she thinks you deserve but now that she's looked at costs it may be beyond what she can afford x
29th September 2012
Cant wait to be Mrs D!
CommentAuthorSteffie
The only reason we're having such a huge wedding is because I had a large compensation payout in 2009 and some of that money was assigned to my parents for caring for me whilst growing up and they are not using that money for themselves they have decided to put it towards the wedding of the century!!! lol
Our friends' partner's parents paid for everything for their wedding. Her mother didnt offer a penny so I thought that too the pi55 a bit but les and sheila were happy to do it cuz they had a grandaughter and another grandchild on the way and matt and laura had been together for 10 years engaged for 6/7.
So it doesnt surprise me that some parents are not willing to part with their money even to make their children happy!!!
xx
CommentAuthorGazza 122
We have arranged and agreed to pay for the whole thing ourselves, any money or offers of help will be seen as a massive bonus but will not be asked for. The only thing we are actually asking for if guest would like to contribute is to a honeymoon fund :) as we already have a great home etc....
CommentAuthortimpson123
I can't help but think that when my son gets married I will WANT to contribute to the wedding. I don't understand really why parents wouldn't want to help out if they can afford it. Unless they are helping out with other stuff like Uni fees or deposits all those things that help you get along in life. Oh I don't know just seems a bit odd to me.
CommentAuthorRockabilly chick
My fiances mother is paying for our venue and my mother is paying for our humanist, my bouquet, my dress and the marriage documents. This leaves us to pay for the honeymoon and all the other bits and pieces. With the money from our parents our budget is £3000. £2000 to the venue and £1000 for everything else. We shall be buying the cake, bms outfits, kilt hire, rings, favours, decorations and the honeymoon. We have had to be really careful with what we have chosen as everything has to be as lowcost as possible but we have managed it :-)
Do you know how much your parent can afford to give you? could you not just say that you really want to start planning and that a vague idea of what they can afford no matter how big or small would help you so much. Also I would ask your H2B to say something similar to his parents. He could very politely ask if they are at all possible to contribute anything and make sure he says if they cannot its not a problem. Hope this helps :-)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
CommentAuthorJill
mandy I'm of the same thinking as you - I cant imagine not wanting to help Liam out when his time comes, h2b's parents have been so good to us and I'd definitely want the same for Liam x
