Hi there! Hope everyone is well and your wedding planning is going well. I am having a bit of a nightmare at the moment and could do with some advice please! My partner and I are getting married this year and unfortunately my partners grandfather died last year which was a such a sad time for us all. Shortly after he died my partners family gave him his grandfathers wedding ring to use as his wedding. The gesture and sentiment is lovely, however it was all done without any involvement of myself and was just given to him when I wasn't even there. The problem is, 1. I had already had plans for our wedding rings, to go and make them for each other and then have his engraved for the wedding and 2. I just don't think it's appropriate to have someone else's wedding ring as your own. I wanted to have something that meant something to the two of us but because of the circumstances that the ring was given to my partner, I think it will just be a reminder of someone who is no longer with us, rather than a symbol of our marriage. The ring is very unique too, tbh it looks more like a women's engagement ring, so it's not like it's a standard band. Do you think I'm being selfish for not wanting him to have the ring as his wedding ring (I would never stop him wearing it as a normal ring obviously) and how do I approach the subject with him? I haven't said anything yet as I didn't want to upset him just after his grandfather died and I wanted to give myself time to see if I felt any different, but it's really getting to me now. I have a feeling he will not want to upset his family by saying he's not using as his wedding ring, but it's upsetting me, his future wife. I just don't think I can stand in the church and "give him a ring as a symbol of our marriage" when it's not the ring I gave him, but it's the ring his family have given him. Please help! Thanks!
CommentAuthorFlossie
I think it's a lovely token and I can see why he would be touched by it and why he would want to wear it as his wedding ring, but I can also see it from your point of view. It would be like having a third person in your marriage and I totally get that you want to feel connected to the wedding ring in some way.
You could always ask him to think about getting metal melted down and then re-made into another ring. That way there is still the sentimentality there of it being his grandad's wedding ring, but it will just take a different form. Re-making it into a different ring is also something you can both be involved with together.
Happily married
18th June 2016
xx
CommentAuthorKatrinaD89
Hiya,
Thank you for your reply :) much appreciated!
I did think about this, but the ring has a big diamond in it so I'm not sure if it can be melted down :( x
CommentAuthorFlossie
I am sure they would be able to remove the diamond and just melt the metal down - they can also add more metal if needs be. Maybe your OH could get the diamond fixed into another piece of jewellery that he could keep as a keepsake?
Happily married
18th June 2016
xx
CommentAuthorKatrinaD89
Yes more metal will be needed as its too small as it is. Apparently its quite rare mental though but I am sure they will be able to do something to match it. I did think about the diamond would be good if it could be used another piece of jewellery, possibly something we could pass down to our children if we ever had any. I just hope this is something he considers if he doesn't totally see it from my point of view, but I worry he's more concerned not upsetting his mum and grandmother than upsetting me. Thanks for your advice!
I think you need to speak to your OH if I am honest.
I understand your point of view but my question here is what does he think? Does he like the ring and want it as his wedding ring? If he does I'm sorry but I think you need to take a step back and let him. In the church when the rings are blessed they will be blessed with good wishes for your wedding. Surely having the blessing of his grandparents happy married life together reaffirms that blessing for you both? Also it isn't an "I give you this ring" as in I have bought it you as a gift, it means given in that moment so this ring still would be what you have given to him.
If he doesn't want it as his wedding band then that's a conversation for him to have with his family. I like Flossies idea of having it melted down but make sure you check with them first.
Met in 2009
He proposed Jan 2014
Will become Mrs P 7th October 2017
CommentAuthorKatrinaD89
I asked him if he was happy to have the ring as his wedding ring when it was first given to him and his answer was "I don't mind. It's a nice idea" and that was it. I didn't push it any further than that.
I do see the sentimental value of having his granddads wedding ring and I do agree it is a lovely idea, but I just worry that the ring will be a reminder of his granddad not being there any more. He would never have had the ring is hadn't passed away. If my partner is adamant he wants the ring as his wedding ring, I will of course respect his wishes.
I didn't mean the "I give you this ring" as in this is something I bought, but I had absolutely no say in what ring I will be giving him on our wedding day. There was no conversation that involved me at all. I was just told that was what was happening as if I have no say or input. :( I just wish it was given to him and it was left to him and us to decide if we wanted to use it as a wedding ring, not have it decided already.
I appreciate your advice :)
CommentAuthorKirstyR386
Does the ring actually fit your OH? If it doesn't and he wants it as his wedding ring, it will have to be altered anyway to be made to fit him. If this is the case, this may be quite expensive if it is such a rare metal as you say.
The sentiment behind it is very sweet, and I agree it is a shame you weren't involved when it was handed over. If he was not able/doesn't want to have it as his wedding ring, you could always suggest he wears it on a chain under his suit so he can still feel like his grandad is there in spirit. X
CommentAuthorKatrinaD89
No it doesn't fit him. Only goes half way down his finger. Well apparently the gold is expensive and rare Welsh gold, so not sure how much it would be to alter it.
I think I'm just upset that I've had no input into the one physical thing to come out of our wedding day to be a daily reminder of our special day and be there for the rest of our lives :( but I don't want to seem selfish or harsh by saying that he can't have the ring.
CommentAuthorFlossie
edited
Just to add that I didn't really have an input on my OH's ring... We went ring shopping together and I offered him my opinions on the ones he tried on of course, but ultimately it was his decision what ring he went for and as it's something he is going to be wearing for the rest of his life I wanted him to be 100% happy with it. So when we exchange rings, I won't be giving him the ring I chose for him, I will be giving him the ring he chose for himself. If your OH wants to choose his grandad's ring then ultimately that is his decision xx
Happily married
18th June 2016
xx
CommentAuthorMrsC2bee
When we picked our rings I was abit upset to start with as had this thing in mind where we would have identical wedding rings but when looking I realised my oh didn't like the plain band and wanted his own taste and I realised it wasn't about me wanting them to be the same it was about it being a ring and us Both loving them. And when I thought of it like that it didn't matter what it looked like as my oh face when he looked at it was all that matters. I think it's lovely that they have given it to him but can understand if your not a fan of it. But personally I would let your oh decide if he wants it or not as that's all that matters and I know a few people who have grandparents rings and it just means that little more to them. Find out what he wants and if he wants it melted see if that's an option. If he chooses he doesn't want to wear it and it can't be changed I've seen people have it attached to their buttonhole so it's with them on the day so that's always an option if you want to include it but not use it x
CommentAuthorFutureMrsW
I just wanted to say that my OH proposed with my mum's eternity ring just a few months after she passed away and it is so nice to have a reminder of her. It is true that I wouldn't have it if she hadn't passed but it reminds me of lovely memories of happy times, not the fact that she has died, I really do feel the ring is *mine* because it's here and part of our story.
You do need to chat with OH and get his opinion, if he's not fussed and it doesn't fit and all then no problem if you want to buy another one, if he decides he wants to use his granddads ring though I don't think it's really something you can veto.
CommentAuthorMrs Jones
First Date 26 April 2014
Proposed 27 June 2015
Happily Married 18 June 2016
CommentAuthorElinor Claire
I have my great-grandmother's wedding ring as my ring. Once it was offered there was really no question, I would have been really upset if my husband had suggested I didn't use it. it was redesigned as it had been altered to the point that it didn't look like a wedding band. I don't think of it as a third person, I just think of it as a really nice link to a past generation. You could get the ring redesigned and engraved, so keeping your original plan without losing the sentimentality. Ultimately I think it has to be up to your H2B.
30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.
CommentAuthorMrsThomson2B
Personally I think you are over reacting a little. I had no choice on my finances ring and he had no choice in mine. I am having white gold he is having yellow gold. We chose rings that we liked and just asked for each other's opinions. Yes you had a lovely idea for rings bug his grandad passed away and his family thought he might like the ring. I would suck it up and let hi decide what to do and say you don't mind either way. At the end if the day he is the kind wearing it so he should be the one happy with the deduction not you
CommentAuthorRachaelH705
I hope you've had chance to speak to your OH. I think the decision is definitely his to make. You wont be bothered in years to come, and it probably means a lot to him.
