Feel free to post jokes but they MUST be wedding ones comprende? lol
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthorVintageChic
Man: My wife couldn't wait to get home after our wedding reception. I was pretty keen as well, thinking she was after the night of passionate love making that I had in mind.
Turned out she just wanted to change her relationship status on Facebook from 'Engaged' to 'Married'.
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthorMrs Turps (Nicpep)
I googled it, these were actually the best :(
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
There was this woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with the most amazingly beautiful and expensive jewels. Her explanation - "If I die and my husband re-marries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."
Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers? A: They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time!
18-09-10
Now a married lady :)
Im a rebel me
CommentAuthorVintageChic
LOL so cheesy they're good!
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called Wedding Cake
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthorVintageChic
ohhhh....
My father in law handed me a note on my wedding day saying, "Goods delivered are non-returnable." I handed it back and said, "Contract void if seal is broken."
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
"When I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she said that she couldn't possibly wear them as they were too large. I said to her, 'of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his father's advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and handed them to Jill and told her to try them on. When she did she said, "I can't wear these, they're far too large for me." "Exactly," Jack replied, "I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on, Jack," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I can't get into your knickers," said Jack. So Jill replied "Exactly, and if you don't change your attitude, you never will!"
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthorKerrylmac
Love it!
CommentAuthormomari
lol
CommentAuthorToops
Liked this one:
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
CommentAuthorToops
Not actually come across this one myself:
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
CommentAuthorMonika
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
It's this month! OMG!
CommentAuthorZoe Kay
Marriage is just like a deck of cards : at first all you need are 2 hearts and one diamond .... later you'll need a club and a spade :)
CommentAuthorVintageChic
LMAO ladies love it...
Also have a joke on my siggy hehe
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthornickers
love them lol xx
MRS RICHARDSON HERE
LOVE MY LITTLE FAMILY MY GORGEOUS SON
AND HANDSOME HUSBAND XXXX
CommentAuthormomari
STACEY my h2b love the joke about Jill and JACK
CommentAuthor~*~ Becca ~*~
true story lol i went and said to mike other night "you better make your speech good as its the only 2 minutes of your life you will be able to speak without your wife and mother in law interupting you" lol
17.09.2010 ---I am officially Mrs Rebecca Mollins
Twilight - its' like my own personal brand of Heroin...
Edward Cullen - The Hottest Vampire since 1901 !!
I have OTD - Obsessive Twilight Disorder :D
CommentAuthormomari
poor mike lol
CommentAuthorJane
edited
Paddy and Bridget had just got married. It was their wedding night in the bridal suite. Bridget was lying on her back on the bed in an incredible shimmering silky negligee whimpering, "Take me Paddy. Take me now!" Paddy (having been a good catholic boy) was a virgin and didn't have the faintest idea what to do next. Suddenly he had a brilliant idea. He dashed out of the room and went to the reception to ring his mum for advice. Her advice was to put the hardest part of his body into where Bridget pees. Paddy was a bit dubious about this but his mother assured him that Bridget would love it.
Paddy came back in to the bedroom triumphantly, asked Bridget if she was ready. Bridget shouted, "Yes, Yes, I'm ready!"
Then she watched in amazement as Paddy ran into the bathroom and put his head down the toilet.
CommentAuthorluvlifejen (mrs berr
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" : - The Engagement Ring - The Wedding Ring - The Suffer-Ring - The Endue-Ring
soon to be Mrs Berry 26.11.2011
CommentAuthorluvlifejen (mrs berr
Married life is full of excitement and frustration : - In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. - In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. - In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen
soon to be Mrs Berry 26.11.2011
CommentAuthorluvlifejen (mrs berr
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
soon to be Mrs Berry 26.11.2011
CommentAuthorluvlifejen (mrs berr
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
soon to be Mrs Berry 26.11.2011
CommentAuthorluvlifejen (mrs berr
What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.
soon to be Mrs Berry 26.11.2011
CommentAuthorJane
A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry.
As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars.
The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear."
The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new stereo VCR and month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so."
The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits which continued to multiply and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That's how much I love you, my dear."
The young man was very impressed by all their responses. He then gave long and careful consideration and finally married the one with the biggest breasts."
CommentAuthorluvlifejen (mrs berr
haha love it jane xx
soon to be Mrs Berry 26.11.2011
CommentAuthorVintageChic
OMG jane pmsfl
and laughing at all these jokes actually!
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthorVintageChic
Bump for Rosei
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthorWinterrose
Ha ha thanks hun! These are fab x
CommentAuthorcandy
this ones long but sooooooooooo funny
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband Number 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband Number 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband Number 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
" Husband Number 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband Number 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband Number 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband Number 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband Number 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband Number 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband Number 10 was a Stamp Collector ; all he ever did was........... God I miss him.
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."
CommentAuthorcandy
edited
'An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
'Well,'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.'
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry'
So they were wed right away . Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her.'
CommentAuthortwirler
bump this is sooooooooooooooooo funny
Officially Mrs Joseph
back on the diet re set my target
CommentAuthorDuckbubble
the four rings joke was used in the best mans speach at my friends wedding this year! its brilliant
CommentAuthormomari
more please girls.I like read
CommentAuthorPossum
More more more pleeeease!!
CommentAuthorStevie_Dee
Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.
Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or strippers, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.
When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.
Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."
At that moment, a voice from under the bed said, "Make that five."
I have a gorgeous husband!
2 brilliant wonderful boys, a wonderful life
in Cornwall. Happiest woman ever!
Now making our house a home. Blessing 2014.
CommentAuthorStevie_Dee
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight. "I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what am I going to do with the BODY?"
I have a gorgeous husband!
2 brilliant wonderful boys, a wonderful life
in Cornwall. Happiest woman ever!
Now making our house a home. Blessing 2014.
CommentAuthorStevie_Dee
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears himself by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear "
I have a gorgeous husband!
2 brilliant wonderful boys, a wonderful life
in Cornwall. Happiest woman ever!
Now making our house a home. Blessing 2014.
CommentAuthorKimi
awwww, thats sooo cute it could've been true :)
The days are flying by, can't wait :)
CommentAuthorStevie_Dee
How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room MARRIAGE when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care
LOVE when intercourse is called making love LUST all other times MARRIAGE what's intercourse?
LOVE when you argue over how many children to have LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot MARRIAGE when you argue over money
LOVE when you share everything you own LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything
LOVE when it doesn't matter if you don't climax LUST when the relationship is over if you don't climax MARRIAGE what's a climax?
LOVE when you phone each other just to say "Hi" LUST when you phone each other just to organize sex MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts
LOVE when you write poems about your partner LUST when all you write is your phone number MARRIAGE when all you write are cheques
LOVE when you show concern for your partners' feelings LUST when you couldn't give a rip MARRIAGE when your only concern is what's on TV
LOVE when your farewell is "I love you darling" LUST when your farewell is "So, same time next week?" MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent
LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake
LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them
LOVE when nobody else matters LUST when nobody else knows MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows
LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel LUST when it's just the same mushy old crap MARRIAGE when you never listen to music
LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about MARRIAGE when just getting through today is your only thought
LOVE when you're interested in everything your partner does LUST when you're only interested in one thing MARRIAGE when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing hes interested is his golf score
I have a gorgeous husband!
2 brilliant wonderful boys, a wonderful life
in Cornwall. Happiest woman ever!
Now making our house a home. Blessing 2014.
CommentAuthorStevie_Dee
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.
For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.
He took the box to her and asked about the contents.
"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, that's the money I made selling the rest of the doilies."
I have a gorgeous husband!
2 brilliant wonderful boys, a wonderful life
in Cornwall. Happiest woman ever!
Now making our house a home. Blessing 2014.
CommentAuthorStevie_Dee
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
I have a gorgeous husband!
2 brilliant wonderful boys, a wonderful life
in Cornwall. Happiest woman ever!
Now making our house a home. Blessing 2014.
CommentAuthorStevie_Dee
A Husbands advice to his bride
Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.
Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
Please don't drive when you're not driving.
Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.
What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.
When I ask, 'How many guys have you slept with?' It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly.
When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'Oh, this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary.
When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.
Football lasts 90 minutes. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister upstairs.
Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!
I have a gorgeous husband!
2 brilliant wonderful boys, a wonderful life
in Cornwall. Happiest woman ever!
Now making our house a home. Blessing 2014.
CommentAuthorStevie_Dee
Steves contribution!!!
A young lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, “Mum, why are wedding dresses white?” The mother looks at her son and replies, “Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.” The son thanks his mum, and later in the day meets up with his father and asks his opnion, “Dad, why are wedding dresses white?” The father looks at his son in surprise and says, “Son, all household appliances come in white.”
Its ok he got a slap for it! xx
I have a gorgeous husband!
2 brilliant wonderful boys, a wonderful life
in Cornwall. Happiest woman ever!
Now making our house a home. Blessing 2014.
CommentAuthorStevie_Dee
Sorry got far too much spare time today!
Jack, a very young lad aged 4 years, says to his father, 'Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married.' His father explains, 'For that Jack, you have to have a boy and a girl.' So Jack answers, 'I've already found a girl.' 'Who?' splutters his Dad. 'Grandma,' continues Jack happily. 'Now, let me get this straight,' his father says. 'You want to marry my mother? ................. You can't do that.' "I don't see why not?' Jack responds, 'You married mine!'
I have a gorgeous husband!
2 brilliant wonderful boys, a wonderful life
in Cornwall. Happiest woman ever!
Now making our house a home. Blessing 2014.
CommentAuthorMrs Brakes
This was told at my brother stag do. Apologies. What's a Wife for? Washing, ironing, f**king etc.
Got married 11/11/11.
CommentAuthormomari
THANKS they are funny
CommentAuthorXLittleMissMe!X
I just caught up on don't tell the bride and thought his speach was pretty funny when he said she had never been a push over or a yes woman but hoped that she would be tonight. It made me giggle.
CommentAuthorKimi
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, Ill give you $100 if youll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where Im supposed to promise to love, honor and obey and be faithful to her forever, Id appreciate it if youd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the grooms vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the grooms hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
The days are flying by, can't wait :)
CommentAuthorKimi
Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mothers house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Dont worry, Maria. Tonys a good man. Go upstairs, and hell take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tonys got a big hairy chest." "Dont worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. Hell take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and hes got hairy legs!" "Dont worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tonys a good man. Go upstairs, and hell take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tonys got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
