I've been engaged for 2 months now, and so far i've not enjoyed one day of it! I wanted to know if anyone else felt this way. Getting married to my h2b was my dream, but when he asked, he was drunk, and decided to wake me up at 1am and ask, then after i said yes, went back downstairs, as he was watching a film with his mate downstairs, and stayed there the rest of the night (i must stress, he very rarely does this - so the drunk bit didn't concern me!). In the morning, i asked him if he meant it, and he said yes, and i believe he has been more excited about it than me since then!
It all seems to have gone downhill from there. When i told my parents, they were not bothered, and changed the subject, saying that it is too much to think about, and it is too far away to mention. That we would talk about it in the new year. I told them on the phone, as i wanted them to know as soon as possible, but thought that might have been the reason for the reaction, so even though i live far away, i went to see them in person that weekend. My dad and i have always had a volatile relationship, one day happy, and one day arguing. This time he decided as i was there without my h2b, to tell me everything he didn't like about me, that he loved my brother more than me, and that if i wanted him to attend my wedding, it would have to be planned around him, as he is thinking of taking a holiday next year, and it might interfere with his plans (even though the weeding was planned for next september!). Even then he felt i was forcing him to do something, and he would attend if HE wanted, and O what he wanted, and WEAR what he wanted, and i should show him that respect (he is old school indian, where my mum is a very liberal irish woman!).
I didn't want to argue, so said i had to go, and hoped things would calm down. Since then, my mum and brother have been on the phone, arguing with me telling me that it is wrong of me to ask my dad to wear a suit like the rest of the grooms, and my mum has informed me that as my dad does not like social affairs, that he will not be staying longer than the meal, and we must make the meal food that he would like to eat.
My mum had always said she would never contribute to my wedding, as her mother didn't, and we should pay ourselves, which i respect, and wouldn't expect her to pay, but she did always say she would buy my dress for me. Now she is saying that she doesn't think i need a nice dress, and that if she can find a prom dress on sale that will do me fine. I said she doesn't need to buy it, i can get it, then i can get what i want, but she says she is the mob and it would upset her if i didn't take her offering. She keeps telling me how it doesn't matter anyway, as i will look like a beached whale in white. My ideas all seem wrong to her. She got upset when i said i was going to get married in a church near me, as opposed to where i grew up, but as i have no friends where i moved to, and it is quite far away, i thought it best that i try to keep everything near me, so i could get to them.
I don't feel like i'm doing anything right. It's really upsetting me that my family are not happy with me. We even got in an argument the other day when i said how we are starting to make the invites (my h2b and myself) so we could send them out in april, and she said how in ireland they send them ou6 4 weeks before the wedding and is adamant anyone on her side of the family does not get invites until then, even though they would need time to organise flights and accomodation.
I'm not looking forward to planning the rest of this, and i'm wondering if it is an omen that i shouldn't get married. My h2b knows i'm upset, but i haven't told him the full extent of it. Am i being too sensitive?
CommentAuthorMrs-Mouse-2-be
I hear ya. I'm currently in a volatile situation with my own mother who turns my dad against me everytime something doesn't go her way.
You and I both can't change our parents however much we would like to. I would say if your dad decides to go on holiday instead of attend his own daughter's wedding that's his problem. If he does attend and if he can't eat the food you are serving then make sure he gets served a different dish to everyone else (seriously).
Something tells me that your dad is dictating to your mum how much money she can spend on your wedding dress. I would go as far as letting her buy me some crappy old dress, but I wouldn't wear it on the day, yet I wouldn't tell her I'm not planning on wearing it.
I've had it with parents lately myself and I've decided I'm telling my mother nothing more about my wedding until everything is sorted. You might want to do the same.
By the way we are starting our new lives with our OHs so we shouldn't really care what our parents say and do anymore. And another thing I got proposed to in bed. We didn't do anything special either and he cleared off to play the Xbox shortly afterwards. Some men just aren't the romantic type.
CommentAuthorBarbaraU
Oh bless you .. I dont want to sound harsh but they sound like they just dont care, If I were you I would just do things the way you want them and take no notice. but speak to h2b and tell him the full story as for the invites whats she going to do stand guard on everyones letterbox to stop the postman. You said your dad is Indian could it be he doesn't understand the traditions.
CommentAuthorMrsShields2B
Thanks Ill-be-36, i hear what you're saying. I didn't want it to get to this stage, but i can't spend the next 10 months feeling like this, so as you suggest, i think i will have to stop telling my mum about the wedding.
I'm glad to know i'm not the only one regarding the proposal! I think with everything going on, i'm heaping everything into the one basket, and letting it spiral out of control in my head!!!!
BarbaraU, i wish it was the case with my dad. He has lived in this country most of his life, and is very westernised, however he still upholds the belief that women should do as they are told and not talk back, which i have a teensy weensy little problem with!!!!! He would never ask for me to have an asian wedding, as although i think they are beautiful, i have never been brought up that way. and he wouldn't know what would be expected at that type of wedding!!!
CommentAuthorShazk
Oh huni big hugs to you x
I dont really know what to say but didnt want to read and run, but you do need to talk to h2b and explain all to him. He will be worried about you and he needs to understand what going on.
I hope you can sort it all out at the end of teh day its about u a& H2B and if ur family cant be happy witht that then its their problem xxxx
I do want to tell him, but what i have told him so far has got him so angry, and i didn't want it to get to the stage where it causes long term problems with my family and my h2b. He also threatened to uninvite them, as he didn't like seeing me upset. I also didn't want to burst his bubble! He is so excited about getting married. I'm blessed in taht although i don't have close friends to help, he desperately wnats to be a part of every decision, and he cannot wait - as he says, it will be the best day of his whole life.
xxx
CommentAuthorShazk
Bless him, Well it lovely that he wants to be so involved but you do need to tell him.
Yes he may make threats and he wont be happy that they have upset you (my H2B very mucht he same by sounds of it) but I think once he realises that you are worried and dont want to upset anyone you will be able to decide together the best way forward xx
Away with the flutterbys xxx
CommentAuthornatalie2614
My proposal was so unromantic it was nearly a comedy sketch! I was in tears and he kinda threw the ring box at me and said 'there ya go!' ever the romantic is my Mr C!
Your h2b is right to be protective of you but there must be a reason your parents are being so 'off' about the wedding. Maybe they're used to weddings being organised in a short space of time, or maybe they dont understand the way a wedding works nowadays. Could be a lot of factors. I think your mum is quite selfish to say a prom dress will do, its your wedding dress and a prom dress will not do if thats not what you want. Stand up to her, and your dad. Your day your way xxx
Married my best friend 05.04.2013
CommentAuthorMrsShields2B
I wish i understood what was behind it! Then i might be able to do something about it! The latest argument is my mum thinks i am being incredibly rude and selfish by not making by brother a best man. Now my brother works abroad most of the time, and has only met Michael a couple of times. On those occasions he has made some nasty comments about him, which i thought Michael didn't hear. I had a go at my brother, but didn't think i should mention it to h2b. My brother can be very sarcastic but i've been told in the past to just ignore it. H2b overheard, and understandably wasn't happy. He has overheard what my brother can say to me in the past (he is very condescending) and does not have a high opinion of bro. This i explained to my mum, and said that it would be unfair for h2b to uninvite one of his two best friends to make room for my brother, especially if they do not get along. She does not agree, especially as h2b's sister is my bm. This is what set off my rant this morning!!!
Enough is enough though, thanks to you ladies, i think i'm going to adopt the saying "it's my way or the highway" and if my family is not happy with my decisions, tough!!!!
CommentAuthornatalie2614
its up to your h2b who the best man is not your mum! Make him an usher if you really want but by the sounds of things he doesnt even deserve that honour xx
Married my best friend 05.04.2013
CommentAuthorTHE nice bridezilla
Hi, having similar issues to you, but not quite on that scale. My advise is really the same don't tell the parents anything, but i would go one step further. i don't know how much your budget can go, but have you ever thought of having a wedding out of the country, Its a lot cheaper than here, so you could pay for the guests you really want to come. BM, his family and so on. This way you can plan it how you want, maybe on a beach somewhere, or a new york hotel, or even finland at christmas (much more expensive but so worth it) and if they kick off tell them so what you were planning on going away at my wedding so my wedding went away from you. It will cause an argument but do whats right for you and hubby, and walk away smiling. Good luck
CommentAuthorElle23
To be wed on our 10 year anniversary! 23.08.2013
CommentAuthorJoanna
I don't know what I can say but it sounds like you're having a tough time with it all so just wanted to give big hugs! I hope things can get sorted for you xxx
The greatest thing you'll ever learn
is just to love and be loved in return
CommentAuthorCarole5817
Oh hunny that sounds a really sad place to be in. I'm with the other girls, it's your wedding and you are creating you and your h2b's lifelong memories, plan it for you two and if they don't like it, let them lump it because they have had their day and this is well and truly yours.
Big hugs xx
Looking 4ward to being Mrs Greaves, proud to call him mine x
CommentAuthorAmyK
Aww, hun... Do talk to your H2B, he's going to be there to support you in the future too, its not good to keep all the worry and stress to yourself... But it sounds like you may need to tell him you want him to listen and be understanding so you can get it off your chest, not as an invite for him to kick off with your family. As for them, stop telling them things about the wedding. Just go ahead and organise it, check out some of the other posts on this site for finding your own wedding dress (cheaply, if you're on a budget), and enjoy planning it. Good luck x
CommentAuthorMrsShields2B
Thanks ladies,
Your comments are so appreciated. It's really been helpful to get it out in the open with people who understand. I love your option, the nice bridezilla, but we've already paid the deposit and the next installment at the hotel where our reception is to be held and booked the church. Getting married on a beach is sounding so tempting right now though!!! xx
CommentAuthorTori
Hope things sort themselves out Hun xx
CommentAuthorMrs-Mouse-2-be
Even if your h2b and your brother get on like a house on fire your h2b does not have to ask your brother to be best man, usher or anything else. Your mum clearly does not understand that traditionally the groom chooses who he wants. And yes ignoring their "helpful suggestions" like I am doing with my mum is the best way.
Weddings out of the country are a great idea if that's what a bride and groom want, but I must stress that my cousin did this as she and her h2b were of two different religions. Anyway none of their parents went as it was just too far to travel for sone of them and about 2 months later her father died unexpectedly. She always says if she could turn back the clock she would do things differently but sadly its one regret that can't be undone. Of course the chances of something like this happening are really slim but its one of the things that is putting me off doing it myself.
CommentAuthorMrsShields2B
That's sad about your cousin. I would hate to regret anything. Plus if i'm being honest, i really want to get married over here, where i know were i am, and surrounded by people i care about, without worrying that these people might not be able to afford to go abroad.
CommentAuthorDanni13
Hiya,
This is awful, and i know must be hard for you because its like choosing between your parents and your husband! But you need to remember that its your wedding and no matter what, the only face you will want to see when you walk down the aisle is that of your h2b!!! Nobody else in the world will matter. You will be taking vows saying until death do us part and we never had such a choice with the parents we were given!!
Family feuds do blow over, so you wont feel like this forever...some of my family dont even speak now because of an argument 4 years ago, my life is no worse off!! You just concentrate on being happy and making the person you love happy.
Danni xxx
CommentAuthorMrsShields2B
Thanks Danni13,
That's so true. I love my h2b so much, but i think my family is so used to telling me what to do, me not doing what they say is a big shocker to them!!!!
It is me and h2b for the rest of our lives, and as i have told my family, it is his wedding too. I never wanted it to be all about me, and he could have as much or as little involvement as he wanted. As luck would have it, he is loving the idea of planning a wedding, and i'm not about to take that away from him by doing what someone else wants!
XXX
CommentAuthorDanni13
Exactly!! and you can treat it as a learning curve so that if you have children, you can act differently when their time to get married comes along!!!
Good luck xx
CommentAuthorMrsShields2B
God knows! I'm pretty sure i will make such an effort not to do what my family did, that i would go the other way and make a whole heap of different mistakes!!!! xxx
Hi, having similar issues to you, but not quite on that scale.
