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Wedding Forum - Utter disinterest (among other things!)...

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  1.  
    • MagpieBride
      CommentAuthorMagpieBride
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: May 6th 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Okay, so my mother and I have never exactly had an ideal relationship: I was pretty bad as a teen after she and my dad separated (got into smoking and soft drugs, had a string of bad relationships including a fling with a much older guy, let my grades slip; crazy kind of stuff), she hated when even after doing pretty bad and barely scraping passes in my A-levels I still managed to get into my choice of uni and got a sense of who I really was while there, she hated when I said I was dropping out of uni but staying on in the place I was sharing with my boyfriend (we'd been together over a year by then) and then a year later moved pretty much the entire width of the country away to be with him and help him look after his ailing gran, threw a fit when I changed my name (completely, everything changed) by Deed Poll, and is very very annoyed at the amount of contact I've had with my dad in the last two years (pretty much ever since my name change, as he was fine with it) as I've tried to repair bridges she burnt when they divorced while I was at uni.

    Anyway, when I got a feeling that John was maybe going to propose, he and I sat down and talked a bit about what we'd like wedding-wise, pledging we'd only do it if we both agreed on the big things (venue, ceremony type, rough budget, etc.). Wasn't too difficult to decide on our theme, or venue, so we went out and had my finger measured for a ring and perused more than a few jewellers!
    So, when we went "down" to mum's for a long weekend back in Feb, I briefly brought up in the car one time when it was just mum and me that we'd had a talk and what we were thinking of doing.
    Her response? "Why bother, you've been together so long you'd be considered common-law anyway." I responded that we wanted it official, legal, and something to remember, not to mention that there could hardly be a big deal about my changing surname as I'd already done something similar before when I did the whole-name change. She kind of waved her hand dismissively over that, and then went off on how I should know that my nan/her mum certainly wouldn't dress up (I only said it would be nice if everyone did, as we don't want gifts), and she herself didn't see the point in "wasting money on costume hire - some of the stuff can be so tacky!" - this coming from a woman who spends so much on the bloody lottery each week hoping for a big win that she often has to beg (read: extort) money from my younger sister's wages to cover the bills (she's on an apprenticeship, so only gets about 1/2 pay anyway)!

    She was the second person I rang when John proposed (my dad was first as I wanted to catch him before his night shift), and yet she sounded so unchanged and just said "well, I'll ring your nan then, else the two of you will just blub for ages!" and hung up. Haven't heard from her since, I've rung and left messages during the day for her to pick up when she gets in from work; nothing. I haven't even been able to tell her I've asked my dad to give me away; she still thinks my brother-in-law is doing it as she arranged, claiming that the divorce meant my dad had given up all rights to things like that!
    To make things worse, my nan kicked up so much stink over my name change that she refused to even put names on the card she sent to congratulate us, and addressed it only to John. With everything else she still calls me by my birth name.
    I just feel as though they're completely disinterested in the whole thing, and now it's making me question even inviting anyone from that side of my family - of the people I'd want to invite, an aunt who lives overseas is unlikely to be able to make it because of job demands, and two are dead (my grandpa died a few months before my parents separated, and my nan's only surviving brother died a couple of years ago).

    And now I'm also worried I'm making a mistake asking my older sister to be matron-of-honour; she lives in the US with her hubby and family, so it'll cost them a packet for flights, and she has a tendency to get rather... involved in a topic/theme anyway - a while back it was "witchy-ness", before that it was LOTR & DRoP stuff; presently it's the insult to the Transformers franchise that is the Michael Bay films - she's tried to dictate the look & colours of her outfit when she clearly didn't read that I want my 'Ladies' to be kind of Rowanne-from-Prince-Valiant archeresses...

    Okay, this is getting ridiculously long now; kudos to anyone who sticks through this to the end!!
  2.  
    • Velcro
      CommentAuthorVelcro
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: May 6th 2014
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    you wont be sending invites for a long while yet, so id consider not bringing it up with your mum again for the time being and just see how you feel nearer the time, im still grappling over whether or not to invite my dad!

    families eh, who'd bloody have them

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    Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey
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  3.  
    • CommentAuthorMrsManiatt
      Posted: May 6th 2014
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    yeah you dont have to worry too much about invites, but if i were you id tell your brother in law that your Dad is giving you away, just so that he is clear and doesnt get his hopes up. Technically that is nothing to do with your Mam so she doesnt get a say (in case she moans) xxx
  4.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: May 6th 2014
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    It sounds like you need to leave your mum out of it and get on with it. It's about you and John and no one else. She can go to it if she wants, but doesn't need to be involved in the planning. As for your sister, maybe for now you could just say bridesmaid and not name a MOH, until you see how she is going to be.

    Members signature icon
    30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
    It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.

  5.  
    • Showgirl
      CommentAuthorShowgirl
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: May 6th 2014
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    Definitely agree with leaving your Mum out of the planning, let her choose her own level of involvement and worry about the invites later on.
    As for your sister - as MOH or BM, its perfectly OK for you to choose her outfit for her if you're worried about what she may choose for herself. I didn't give my BMs a choice, I knew I wanted them to wear a sari and saw some that were perfect and just went ahead and bought them (thankfully one size fits all so I didn't have to call each one and ask for their size).
  6.  
    • *The NewMrsMalin*
      CommentAuthor*The NewMrsMalin*
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: May 6th 2014
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    That's awful; I'd say leave your mum out of it and stick with your dad giving you away; just because they are divorced doesn't mean he is no longer your dad.

    Hope everything gets sorted :(

    Members signature icon
    Met in 2009
    Got together on12th May 2011, proposed on the 12th May 2013
    When you get knocked down; smile and pick yourself up again!
    Fight for what you believe in!
  7.  
    • MagpieBride
      CommentAuthorMagpieBride
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: May 6th 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Thanks ladies, nice to know there's some backers in my corner on this - John's not been much help, he just keeps going on about as long as his parents get to meet mine at least once before the big day...

    I can only hope that my mum will be willing to put her animosity towards my dad aside for the wedding; I did decide when in the shower this morning that if she causes any trouble and/or tears while we're planning, she won't be invited - which means my nan and younger sister couldn't come as they rely on her to drive, potentially saving me hours of anguish over their behaviour (neither of them appear to have a fully-working brain-to-mouth filter)!
    John and I are going to pay for pretty much everything, bar accommodation and costume hire and the like ('cause that would run into 000's for my family alone!); so she doesn't really have a say - all she needs to do is turn up, shut up and be happy for us!

    I'm planning to chat with my sis soon, as I know I'm gonna have to be firm with her; hopefully we'll be able to hook up before bro-in-law goes off to work but while the kids are still in school - they have a tendency to crowd the camera to talk with "Auntie"!
    I'd feel terrible if they felt compelled to come because they believed they were going to be in the bridal party and then only found out once here that they weren't.

    ~relieved sigh~ Ah, I feel I can get on with the rest of my day now I've gotten a load off!
 
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