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Wedding Forum - Urgent Advice - PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!...

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  1.  
    • SophieW827
      CommentAuthorSophieW827
      Getting married in 9 months
      Posted: Sep 8th 2020
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      edited
     
    Please help, I need 3rd party advice!!!!!!!

    If you are here, thank you for taking the time to read this. I've had a great response to my previous post and I'm hoping for some advice - again!!

    Extremellllllly long story short:

    - My best (on and off) friend of 10 years and I both got engaged in 2018 and our weddings were booked for 2020. Hers was in May, so I booked mine for July to give enough space between. She changed her wedding to an overseas location and to August of the same year (2 weeks after my wedding).

    - I didn't complain, but this ruined our honeymoon plans and because I'm MOH at her wedding I obviously didn't want to miss it! So we rearranged our plans to a winter honeymoon and booked our flights for the wedding.

    - Between all of this, she backed out of my hen and I'm organising hers which has been a disaster (people dropping out etc etc, I'm sure you all know the drill). & she has fallen out with her 2 other closest friends, which means I am the ONLY bridesmaid/MOH remaining.

    - Roll on to COVID times and I rearranged my wedding to July 2021, let everyone know and we decided to go for our original honeymoon idea straight after the wedding (instead of having to wait until the winter).

    - 3 weeks later, my friend changes her wedding to July 2021 as well, overseas and again 3 weeks after ours... the wedding date and limited flights would mean a whole week off work for us. She was limited and chose the date best for her and her family, but for us it's so difficult.

    I'm now in a position where I either:

    - have my wedding, go on our 2/3 week honeymoon straight after, come home, fly back out, another week off work. Off work for a whole MONTH. Dogs in kennels for the duration. (Time off work and money being the issue here)

    - have my wedding, no honeymoon, go to their wedding, wait again until winter to do our 2nd choice honeymoon (the other half would also kill me. He is furious about it all!)

    - have my wedding, dream honeymoon, miss my friend's wedding because of time off work/funds.

    *We also lost our money on our flights for the original wedding and the new ones are £200 more :-(
    *I'm also Godmother to their 18 month old daughter.

    Everyone I speak to says to do what's best for us because we've already tried to accommodate both weddings (going for July initially and changing honeymoon plans), but that's easier said than done. I don't want to miss her wedding but I'm gutted that it's so close to ours - just for practical reasons. If it was in the UK there would be no issue, but it's another week off work and more money. They are also travelling straight after their wedding on their honeymoon and my other half is so annoyed and doesn't want to go to their wedding.

    I'm her MOH and the only one left standing, but I'm stressed to high heaven. Any of my other girl friends would understand with all of the changes, but I know she won't. If I tell her I can't make it, that would be the end of our friendship.

    You may think I'm overacting, but when they first changed from the UK to abroad they said to me "if people don't make sacrifices to come to our wedding, then they aren't real friends are they"

    ...I need an outsider's point of view and advice because I'm stuck :-(
  2.  
    • VerityC21
      CommentAuthorVerityC21
      Getting married in 12 months
      Posted: Sep 8th 2020
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    If this person were my friend, they wouldn't be for very much longer... What exactly are you getting out of this friendship?
  3.  
    • IsabellaH69
      CommentAuthorIsabellaH69
      Getting married in 34 months
      Posted: Sep 8th 2020
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    Personally think she should have been way more considerate about the date she chose especially as you chose yours first, nothing worse than getting engaged at a similar time as a friend all that follows is pretty similar, feels like a competition -.-

    Can you go to just the ceremony and a few days? Do you have to go for a week or is the venue a long flight away?

    My other half would also be upset if I changed the honeymoon, remember who you’re spending the rest of your life with, friends come and go!
  4.  
    • SophieW827
      CommentAuthorSophieW827
      Getting married in 9 months
      Posted: Sep 9th 2020
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    @VerityC21
    That's exactly what everyone has said to me, but with the other 2 girls already cancelling I'm the last one standing. I know that's not my fault, but I don't want to send the bride over the edge with saying I can't make it either!


    @IsabellaH69
    I don't think I would be quite so stressed if I wasn't already in this position this year! When we changed ours to 2021 there was a sigh of relief because we wouldn't be stressing about how to fit both weddings in... that didn't last long haha.

    Their wedding is on a Wednesday in Bergerac (France). We can only fly from Stansted which is a 3 hour drive for us. The only flights are on the Monday before and the Thursday afterwards. So it would be a week off work with collecting the dogs on the Friday as well. We looked at driving over, but I seriously don't fancy a long road trip with the other half complaining the whole time 2 weeks after our wedding!

    We will have also spent a total of £1,000 just on the flights by the end of it :-/
  5.  
    • SophieW827
      CommentAuthorSophieW827
      Getting married in 9 months
      Posted: Sep 9th 2020
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    I also want to thank you both for replying with your comments, everyone I've spoken to is either a friend or family member and I know they will be biased so I just wanted an outsider's view!! xx
  6.  
    • IsabellaH69
      CommentAuthorIsabellaH69
      Getting married in 34 months
      Posted: Sep 9th 2020
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    God I really feel for you now -.- you truly are in a crap position, I get it you can’t miss your friends wedding but she did change it after you changed yours :( keep us posted with your final decision!!
  7.  
    • VerityC21
      CommentAuthorVerityC21
      Getting married in 12 months
      Posted: Sep 9th 2020
      Is poweruserBadgeBadge
     
    I totally understand how you're in a tough position, what with the other two bridesmaids of hers dropping out... but since she's fallen out with them as well, maybe this is the sort of message she needs sending.

    I'm not saying you should just announce it and flounce off (although many people would do just that without needing to justify themselves)... but it sounds to me like she's the sort of person who is so thoroughly self-centered that she needs it explaining to her that the way she treats other people makes being her friend very difficult. Frankly, she sounds very similar to one of my sisters and this is what I would do with her if she were causing this sort of problem.

    In all likelihood, if you decide not to be her bridesmaid, she'll act the victim and make it seem like you (and the other two) were bad friends. Anyone who knows you will know there's another side to the story, and anyone who takes her side instead of staying impartial probably isn't worth having as a friend either.

    I'm sorry if this sounds blunt or callous, but I've had enough experiences in my own life trying to keep people happy to the detriment of myself, and it has never once been worth it. Get out now while she's got time to find new bridesmaids and enjoy planning your own wedding!
  8.  
    • SophieW827
      CommentAuthorSophieW827
      Getting married in 9 months
      Posted: Sep 10th 2020
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    @IsabellaH69
    Haha, it's awkward isn't it! I've decided that we are going to focus on what we want to do this weekend. Look at honeymoon hotels and flights properly and see which dates work for us. If there is a crossover on the France wedding, then we will just have to miss it. At least then I KNOW I'll be missing it, rather than voicing my concerns with no 'reason'.

    @VerityC21
    You have hit the nail on the head, 100%.
    Everything you have said is what has caused tension in the friendship before. 8/9 years ago I would bite back at her for acting like the victim when she was called out, and even though what I was saying was true I somehow I came out feeling awful and like the 'bad one'.

    I am not particularly friendly or close to the other two girls who have already dropped out, but I'm aware of what's happened and I can understand why they have chosen to step away from it all. I've seen many of her 'best friends' come and go over the years, it's a story that always repeats itself.

    I also spoke to my manager yesterday and while he said they would help me as much as they could if I needed a month off, it would be difficult and he couldn't guarantee that it would be approved. You have to remember as well that I'll need annual leave for my wedding and our honeymoon (15ish days), my hen weekend (3 days), her hen weekend (2 days), Christmas (3 minimum). I get 25 days and I can carry 5 over from this year... I'd need these to cover extra days in general, but they would have to be used for France.

    I'm just going to sit down with the other half over the weekend and 100% decide and commit to what we want to do with our holiday. I do think we will miss France, and telling her will be awful... and she will never forgive me but.....!!




    I'll check back on Monday and let you both know what happens xx
  9.  
    • VerityC21
      CommentAuthorVerityC21
      Getting married in 12 months
      Posted: Sep 10th 2020
      Is poweruserBadgeBadge
     
    Feeling bad just means you are a person with a conscience! Doing the same sort of things will always play on my mind, but I am continuously teaching myself that doing what is right is generally not the easiest option. Besides, if she chooses not to forgive you, that's her loss - it doesn't sound like you will lose much!

    I wish you the best of luck with it all xx
  10.  
    • SophieW827
      CommentAuthorSophieW827
      Getting married in 9 months
      Posted: Sep 14th 2020
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      edited
     
    Hi both, here is the promised update!

    We have decided (covid and travel permitted) to go to somewhere over the summer (would be 3 weeks, once in a lifetime trip) so we can go right after the wedding if we want to.

    My difficulty is annual leave and time off work - I'd either need the entire month of July off because her wedding would be the week afer we get home, or a lot of time in July & August if we go away after her wedding.

    I know I'm moaning about nothing and we are lucky we can go away, but I'm no closer to being less stressed haha.

    I don't have it in me to be selfish. I might just forget it all and go to her wedding and deal with whatever we can do afterwards. Having to tell her I can't go makes me feel physically sick.
    I don't know how my other half would deal with this, though.
  11.  
    • SophieW827
      CommentAuthorSophieW827
      Getting married in 9 months
      Posted: Sep 14th 2020
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      edited
     
    Wow, just read that back. I sound like such a spoilt little brat and I swear I'm not! I think I'm too deep in this and need a reality check - argh!!!!!!

    I want to mention that we don't have an endless pot of money either, so I can't take unpaid leave from work and book flights if I'm going to lose money again :-(

    I've lost £160 on her hen as well because we can't get any refunds (such a disaster).
  12.  
    • JocelynG60
      CommentAuthorJocelynG60
      Getting married in 7 months
      Posted: 2 days ago
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    I think the fact she’s backed out of your hen says it all!!!
  13.  
    • LisaB4553
      CommentAuthorLisaB4553
      Getting married in 11 months
      Posted: 22 hours ago
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    I am in a similar position as my wedding was planned for September and my MOH wedding was originally planned earlier in the year and she moved to Autumn, 3 weeks after mine which was no stress really. However, we were both in discussions at the same time about moving weddings and our venues both had dates in April and May, I went for a May date thinking she would be about a month before, however when she went to move, probably about 5 weeks after I did, the only dates that was available was the week before mine which isn't ideal but it's no ones fault and just have to work around it, I am just happy my best mate can get married and have her dream wedding. In addition my other best mate is now getting married the week after me abroad and we also have another wedding the week after that in a different country aswell.

    Overall next year because of Coronavirus, we have 11 weddings and 6 are abroad which means we can't do a proper honeymoon.

    The point I am getting at is that none of this is anyone's fault and it's very stressful for everyone but all you can do is prioritise the weddings which mean the most to you, if it is your MOH I am guessing she is the top of the list, so I know it seems unfair that you have to sacrifice your honeymoon, but I personally think you should suck it up and 100% go to the wedding, it's just whether you think you can squeeze in the honeymoon (I personally would, think of the tan you would have haha). It's really shit and stressfull but just have to be thankful if we can all get married next year and appreciate that we will have many close friends in the same boat and just have to support each other, it's the only way to get through it.''.You need your bestie next year!
 
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