My partner and his brother fell out shortly after we got engaged, about a year ago, given the situation it is VERY unlikely they will make up. My partner is refusing to have anything to do with his brother, and to be honest I do not blame him. I can tolerate him, and I will be civil for the sake of not causing a bust up, but the chaos and stress that he has put that family under... I can completely understand my partner's reasons. He can do no wrong in his mother's eyes, which really angers my partner as he's the "good one" of the family and he feels like his mother "favours" his brother. Stepping back from the situation, I am damn sure he is suffering from adult sibling rivalry.
Back to the point, I don't know what to do when it comes to our wedding!! My partner doesn't want to invite his brother, and I can understand why... but then on the other hand, if he doesn't invite him, then it will really upset his mother... and cause friction there (not pleasant!). Considering they both avoid each other then I doubt his brother will actually want to come? My partner feels that his brother can do no wrong, despite breaking the law and all that jazz, so it really hurts him when his mother tries to justify why his brother has done the stupid things he's done. If he's not invited, then his mother isn't going to be happy.
My plan was (to keep the peace) invite his brother, who has a 98% chance of accepting? The only reason I can think of him accepting the invite is to annoy my partner! If that's the case, there's a 100% chance he'll come. But if we invite and he declines, then his mother can't really complain, my partner is happy... and then I can relax somewhat!! Argh. I don't know what to do? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? I don't want to upset people, and I don't really feel "part of the family" as such, like I hadn't known my partner for that long when we got engaged and they live about an hour and a half away so I don't see them all too often (an odd weekend now and then and when we go and stop over for an odd week)... so I don't feel like I have a right to start meddling too much, if they start arguing over dinner they always look to me for my opinion, and I dread giving it! I feel like I'm stuck between their approval and my partners!
I feel like a ping pong ball.
Is there anyway to approach the subject with my future mother in law? Without causing too much damage? I get on with her at the moment, though I get the impression that she doesn't think that much of me. I'm really shy and I struggled for months to get more than a couple of words out when I first started to have contact with her, so the prospect of this is really having me in a panic. I'm not getting married for a couple of years, and I'm losing sleep over it already :( I need to be there when my partner breaks the news to her that he doesn't want his brother there, if that's the road we go down. If I'm not, he'll more than likely get upset with his mother, and say things he'll regret and possibly go root out his brother and give him a beating!
No idea how to approach this! :(
CommentAuthorMrsGrant2B
:( thats a tough one! I'm no even sure what to suggest sorry
CommentAuthorMrsBroady2B
I's not been in this situation, but at the end of the day, you and H2B need to do what is going to make you both happy, not others. If he doesn't want his brother there then that's his choice not his mothers. Yeh she's not going to like it but then it's not about her. I would also worry if it was me, that if i did invite them and they came, would they be likely to cause trouble. You really don't want this to happen on your special day. Just remember, it's YOUR day, no one else!!! xx
CommentAuthorKatya
my partners family is EXACTLY the same!
i think you really need to sit down and have a chat with your partner, tell him how you feel. tell him that his brother can be kept away from him the entire time if thats what needs to be done and that you are just concerned that other members of the family will decline their invite if they find that brother is not invited and you dont want all the agro and "CAN I" not and "I'm going to" invite him. this way its down to your partner .... no one choked to death swallowing thier pride!
Find out who you are & do it on purpose!
CommentAuthorMrsGrant2B
True MrsBroady2B. All that planning and organisation would be spoiled and its your day after all.
It sounds simple enough, I'll give it a shot. Sitting and thinking about it, I'd rather he didn't come too... It's not like other members of the family would avoid coming if HE came, but I foresee arguments and things getting out of hand and I don't want or need that...
It is probably for the best that he doesn't come.
CommentAuthorKatya
well there's you decision... now you have to stick to it!
Find out who you are & do it on purpose!
CommentAuthorMrsBroady2B
Agree with you Katya. Stick to i and don't let anyone change your mind!!! xx
CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
tbh i think you need to take a step back and that the family sort things themselves
I think you have a long time before you need to finalise your guest list and lots can happen between now and then. I know what you say about you not wanting him their either, but I think things may blow over or your MIL2B may realise the reality of the situation. I would leave it for now and revisit it in 12 months. Ulitmately I think this is down to your H2B as its his brother and mother. I would suggest that if in 12 months time he is adamant that he does not want his brother their and MIL2B is upset about it, he should talk to his mum and discuss it and try to explain why this means so much to him, and you should make sure you are not in the house so you dont get tangled up in that conversation. At the ende of the day you should not be embroilded in that conflict. Good luck hun x
Mrs Wilson2B
Need to loose 5 stones and 2lbs
3 Stones 2 lbs lost so far!!!
Getting Married 3rd August 2013
CommentAuthorKistHall
If you've got 2 years til the wedding why not gently drop subtle hints so its not such a shock? Just if they mention guests or anything say things like we'll just be inviting those that are really close to us, or mention ur not inviting someone on ur side because u dnt want any issues, little things that will all add up and set the tone that he probably wont b invited, so if u eventually need to say it it might not be a total surprise?? I don't know if its possible, maybe if your having a small affair anyway it might be easier to drop hints. But if they come to their own conclusions about it, it might cause less problems?? Either way try to have everything your way, how many chances do u have to have a day thats just the way the two of u want it??xxx
CommentAuthoremmaaa
I also think it's a little early to be getting stressed about such things, as other ladies have said, a lot can happen in 2 years! However, I definitely don't think it should be you that's having these arguments, it's not fair to you to be forced to take sides over what is essentially an issue between members of h2b's family. I'd leave it a bit, especially if you're losing sleep about it already! But in the end, if h2b's brother is very unlikely to come even if he is invited, I'd probably just bite the bullet and invite him, but surely your future MiL will understand that him being there wont please anyone but her?
CommentAuthorSnowflake
You've got ages yet and u'd be surprised what can happen in that time. No matter what family have done its best to act civalised - do u want ur wedding to cause problems for years to come just because you didnt invite someone? I'd let it blow over for now then see how u all feel a bit nearer the time x
CommentAuthorUnknown
i think your h2b should decide what to do and accept his dicison. if he does decide not to inivte him, then his mum will just have to accept it.
you still have over 2 years to go yet and a lot can happen in that time. i would wait until you are sending the invites out and see what the situation is then x
CommentAuthorNymeria
Thanks for the advice everyone :) We were initially going to get married in the summer of 2013, but I've put my foot down because we haven't got the money for then. At the end of the day its my H2Bs decision not mine as to whether he comes to the wedding or not, if he wants to open that can of worms then thats his choice :)
Looking at it, I don't think his mum would be surprised if he didn't come, she knows they don't get on and she understands why... panic over for now!
