my partner and i have been together 5 year im 21 hes 28, he has a daughter from previous relationship, i met her when we first got together when she was 5. she is now 10! we have just got engaged and my partner expects me to have his daughter as my bridesmaid!
that would be fine.. if she wasnt so horrible and nasty towards me..she tells me she hates me all the time she tells me her dad is cheating on me, she goes home tells her family i have swore at her, she sends her dad nasty message saying she doesnt want to come if im coming on the same day she is! put it this way in the last year i have been forced to not be with them when he has her on a saturday! he only has her 1 day a week, her choice through court order!
which is fine by me as i would rather keep that part of his life seperate! i would love to get on with her but this is clearly not possible!
so i said to my fiance, if she asks about the wedding and being a bridesmaid you tell her we havent discussed anything yet and leave it at that for now! as in 2 and half years tme when we get married she will be 13 so im hoping she will have grown up by then and realised there is nothing to hate about me! and yes i would then love her to be in the wedding! if she hasnt changed then to be honest i dont even want her at the wedding never mind being a bridesmaid!!

is this fair and reasonable? or am i just a step mother from hell?

i have honestly tried so hard i was so nice to her when i did see her and i just smiled if she said something hurtful or just walked away! im not aloud to say anything back, my partner would then shout at me making it my fault or tell me to grow up and be the adult!! so now i have but shes still horrible!!

im in an arkward situation! help?? if u have any advice on what i or my partner could do would be great help!! please dont just call me for being awful i have honestly really tried!!

thankyou

Sorry I've not actually offered any advice! It's a tough one! Have you tried just openly asking her what her problem is? 'I know you do nt like me, but whyyyyyy?'

Thankyou all so much for replying!! I have asked her why she hates me but her reply is.. You talk horrible to me.. You always roll your eyes at me.. And your not good for my dad! The thing is she talks like an adult but the things coming out of her mouth a 10 year old shouldn't know!!
She really gets to me.. Me and her dad. Honestly we're so in love and never been so happy we r so happy when we're together!! He has his daughter 2 hours on a saturday..he comes home after having her and he's so moody!! Its like she changes him! Then the day after he's fine.. Appologises n says she really winds me up n makes me angry n I shudnt take it out on you!
Same thing every week! So she's not only horrible with me! Her dad aswell!
Her mum is fine with me! And my fiance doesn't speak to her mum to avoid arguements! Which is all fine with everyone.. He just rings his daughter now if he needs to!

Not sure what else to do!?! Xx

Yeah I know to be honest.. I love kids and we've been ttc for almost a year now!! Fiance has even said he wudnt leave our baby in a room alone with her! Coz she hates me that much he'd be so scared she'd do something horrible to our baby! So rlly that just proves how he thinks of her too! She bad!
I know I'm guna have to live with it atleast til she's 18! But I'm willing to because I love my fiance!

Sounds very much like maybe her Mother is putting words into her mouth. I was thinking the same and then read your comment about it being adult like comments. Does your H2B see how she talks to you or is he blind to it? My hubby is blind to anything negative about his kids. She might also, like it's been said be jealous, it might be that no matter who you were she would be like that as she does not want anyone for her Dad.

You say that you have three years to the wedding so I would see if things change, but there is no reason that you should have her as a bm if she behaves like that towards you.

Your partner needs to support you when she his misbehaving towards you and let her know it is not acceptable. If he keeps letting her do it then she will xx

ParisM - I was that bratty kid who hated her dads girlfriend with no plausible explaination why - i was only when I met my partner with his son that I realised what a silly kid I was. Sure, I wasn't really rude as your step daughter is being, but I sulked and didnt say a single word to the woman.
When I reviewed my behaviour as I matrued, it was because I blamed her for my mum & dad splitting up - which wasn't the case at all!! Perhaps your step daughter has a similar skewed perception of the situation, and because none has actually said what the real deal is (well, she was only 5 at the time) she might not realise. Besides, is it not likely that she'd remember 'family' memories with rose tinted glasses, unaware of the arguements between parents after she'd gone to bed (if that was the case??).

Perhaps sit her down, let H2B explain what happened between him & her mum, make a point of saying "we're treating you like an adult here, showing you respect by telling you what the score is, and we expect you to treat us ALL with respect in return".

Goodl uck hun x

What's her mum like? Her mum isn't saying bad things about you and her dad behind your backs is she? Because sometimes something as little as that could be what is causing the friction.....other than that I would just guess that cos her dad hadn't had any other girlfriends before you that may be she is feeling a little jealous and insecure that she may think she's now second best in her dads life so uses the situation to cause problems....
Not always good obviously but the best thing would probably like u said just stick with it for now and when she sees once and for all that you're definitely not going anywhere that it's gonna get boring with her going on. Don't argue with h2b about it because this is what she is going to want to see, xx

Sounds like she is jealous of you, and to be honest, she probably doesn't know you very well as you say you avoid her. I think you need to get to know each other a little bit better and make it clear to her that you aren't taking her dad away, and just because he is with you it doesn't mean that he loves or cares about her any less. As Velcro says, maybe some bonding time just the two of you would be good? If she plays up, tell her you are doing it for her and what she is saying is not nice, nor fair and it needs to stop. Let her know that you want a relationship with her too as you love her dad very much and she is very important to him. Hopefully it will help xxx

I was going to say what's her mother like, for all you know she could be putting her up to this due to jealousy. Some women can be so spiteful my h2b has a son with a previous partner and when she found out about him being with me she kicked up a big fuss and was saying he never puts his son first but I would never go between the both of them as I have a son myself with a previous partner. We haven't told her were engaged yet but I'm sure she will kick up an even bigger fuss and as I haven't met his son yet I can see her telling him things and to be horrible to me as he's only three he won't understand as much as a ten year old. Has your h2b spoken to his daughter and tried to figure out why she don't like you, I'd also sit down and talk to him about it and tell him how much it hurts you as you want her to be part of your big day but don't want it to be ruined. xx

What a difficult situation! Has she always been like this, or his it only started recently?

I'd say keep trying - unfortunately, where parents are separated it is often the partners who bear the brunt of the anger and confusion.

What is her relationship with her dad like? She may feel that she has been pushed out since you've arrived, particularly if the quality of the time they spend together isn't great (not that I'm getting at your h2b here, but if there is tension over this issue and it's causing them to bicker about it when they see each other, she might blame you for it?)

Is there any way she can still have time on her own with her dad, but also incorporate some family time? Ie she spends the day doing something nice with her dad, and then you all maybe go out for a meal or do something nice together?

Im sorry to hear you're having these problems....however (and this is just my opinion) I think the best way to go would be to make her feel part of your and your h2bs family...I think threatening her that she won't be able to come to the wedding and not see her future little half-brother or sister will just make her feel even more pushed out. If she's promised she will be nice, it's clear she actually does want those things....she just doesn't yet have the emotional maturity to deal with her feelings.

I hope you get it sorted Hun, as it sounds like the situation is making all three of you miserable.

I was also a bratty step daughter and my ex had a child from a previous relationship, so I know how hard it can be...just persevere, you will get there!

Xx

its a tough situation Paris hun sometimes kids work themselves to get attention maybe shes jealous the fact your with her dad and that if she can come between you and split you up thats shes won but I would just stand your ground with h2b even if you dont want to be there when he has here I would go and show her she cant have her own way maybe after a while she may come round but if shes going to keep being mean then I think she needs a swift talking to that no matter how nasty or misbehaved she is its not going to change the fact that your going to be her step mother when you and her dad marry and also you will have her half brother/ sister once you and h2b concieve. I think its a case of tough love and being firm and showing her she cant always get her own way x

Thanks brilly and laurajo.. I know exactly what u mean.. But to be honest they've never rlly had a good relationship and then when he does see her she's awful.. I understand what he means by threatening her not to come! But that's just because he'd rather not see her than he come n be a bitch!

We will be speaking to her next sunday so ill let u all know what happens!

Thankyouu xx

Hi everyone just thought I would write back and let you know how things went!! So firstly ill start off with.. The plan was to go and speak to the step daughter with my h2b on Sunday! On Saturday night me and h2b were out enjoying a meal with my family, I got a random text message off the step daughter saying , why are u getting a house? So I txt back saying because we're getting married and we need to live together before we get married! Her reply was... You don't need to, I won't be staying anyway, this is going to fast and for me it's something I don't want to share with you!! So I replied... We want to live together, we want to be together that's why we are getting married, you can stay when u get older when you have grown up and understand that we have to get along! S she then txt back saying, it upsets me that you and my dad are getting married I'm on a downer now ! All you seem to care about is my sad you don't even let me hug him! So I replied, don't be silly I've not seen you for over a year you've spent plenty of time with your dad without me and I've never stopped you hugging him your his daughter, just because we're getting married doesn't mean he loves you any less! All I do care about is your dad that's why we're getting married! Wen your older and you have a boyfriend you will understand!
She then replied saying im not happy my mum isn't happy my step dad isn't happy my family rant happy because we all hate you! I'm never gig to stay at your house and I'm not coming to your lid wedding and I don't ever want an brothers or sisters so make sure I don't have any!
Asoloutely had enough of the selfish little brat now.. How can she wish that on me! To never have children of my own! So yesterday we went round and spoke to her with her mum ad step dad there and basically she hates me because her dad spends mor time with me than her.. The thing is... I see him on a Saturday night when he takes her home .. We stay together no then see each other all day Sunday so I don't see him that often myself!
I'm worried at as soon as we get our house he will go back on everything and just expect me to let her stay and then expect me to let her be bridesmaid, hopefully now she won't even want to be there! The other thing is... N1 made her apologise to me for saying all that nasty stuff! She's evil.. Had enough need help???? Xxxx

We did.. We explained yesterday when we went to see her, the thing is when he has her on his own she wants to go home, she doesn't even want to see him, she won't hug him when they r on their own, she only does it if I'm there , if I kiss him or hold his hand she pushes me away, she's 10 for god sake it's like god get a grip u baby! Doesn't bother me if she wants hug him or kiss him but she doesn't actually want to she only does it to push mr out of the way! I'm best off to seeing her, he even said to my family on Saturday he'd rather not see her n he wud swap her for an other child cos she's a physco!

She used to threaten her step ad sayin ill scream n say I've hit me I'll smash he windows me ring the police and say u did it. She s evil. She'll be locked up when she's older! X

Sounds like it runs deeper than just jealousy... It sounds like she holds a lot of resentment for some reason and the root cause needs to be found. She sounds very manipulative and seems she's had the practice. I sincerely hope that you and H2B can find a way to resolve the tension between you all - not a nice situation to be in.

I'm sorry, but what do you expect her to be like when her dad goes around openly saying she is a psycho? She is 10, not 20, and she is still learning and still growing and still trying to figure things out and make sense of them, she needs people there to support and help her, not turn on her saying she is evil and that they would prefer to have another child over her! And I know you have said in previous posts that her mum has no problem with you, but from reading what you have said that his daughter said in the texts sent to you, those are not a 10 year olds words! Someone has put those thoughts into her head, and the fact she wasn't made to apologise, makes it even more glaringly obvious to me that someone is using her as a puppet! It is quite obvious that she is jealous of you and feels that her dad wants you more than he wants her, and that is very sad. If she gets upset that she doesn't see her dad enough, then why not look into making it so she can see him more often? As for the baby comment, I think you have taken it out of context. A 10 year old would never think of how that would make a grown woman who wants a child feel, she is just thinking that another child means yet another person who her dad will love more and who will take her away from him. Personally, I think you should be going to see a family counsellor to sort this out, as it is not just her actions that are causing a problem here, but also they way you and your h2b are reacting to her, and I think you all need help to see where things are going wrong and how to correct them, while she is still young enough for it to work! I'm sorry if this has upset you, that wasn't my intention but I feel sorry for all parties here and think you need to get some outside help asap for any sort of relationship with her to be possible xxx

shes 10!!!!!!!!! if she has said all that then omg what a diva! BUUUUT like LJ has said they dont sound like a 10 yr olds words... she obv has serious jealousy issues but can i ask a question? how is she towards her step-dad? if shes not like the way she is with you with him it could be that she just doesnt like you, really kids are getting wiser and wiser earlier in age and she may well know exactly what shes doing and there is only so much a grown up will take from a little madam... counsellor seems a good idea in theory but theres prob waiting lists as it wont be considered "important" enough and private will cost a fortune! if you really feel like youve tried and explored every avenue to get along with this child then id cut my losses until shes a bit older and will come to understand then you can become friends.... i would still offer her to be a bridesmaid and if she declines just say "ok then" and leave it at that and she will just have to learn and evetually accept that you are not going to go away.... her mum needs to be on board too, what was she like yesterday? did she say anything?
xxx

if you read the last few pposts from me.. you will see that he doesnt sayin anything to her face just to me and his family.. hes heartbroken that she doesnt get along with me as he loves me aswell.. and for her to try and come between us just makes him love me more.. this is what he says!! she just makes us stronger when shes nasty.. she does have problems but mentioning anything like councelling to her mother she kicks off.. and lala.. she isnt having a room in our house..

both me and h2b have decided to not mention the wedding to her or any of her family now.. and a month before the wedding if she has changed then yes fair enough we will let her come to the wedding if she wants too.. but she has told us she doesnt want to come!

also like i said before... she's never known her mum and dad to be together they split up before she knew she was pregnant.. she doesnt know any different.. and my previous comment states that she hated her step dad too.. shes okay with him now and going round last night to see the 3 of them sat on the couch next to each other like a happy family..was heartbreaking for my h2b as she calls her step dad (DAD) even when she comes she doesnt speak to him.. all she asks is what time is it.. is it 3 oclock yet (because she knows what time she goes home) she doesnt want to be there.. but then every couple of months she will do this.. to try and get to me and her dad and to try and upset us.. she gave him an ultimatum last night and said.. u either pick me or her (me) if u pick her i dont want to see her ever again! if u pick me then u have to break up with her¬!!!

how can a 10 year old rlly expect you to listen to her when she just talks like that???
me and h2b are really strong and have been through so much together in the last 5 years.. we will NOT let her come between us!

like i said... leave it until shes older, he must still see her but personally wouldnt bother (im not really a fan of kids in general and shed make me wanna tear my hair out!) good luck x

What does he do with her on a Saturday? He needs to spending proper time with her and rebuild this broken relationship. I advise he sees her alone and does something like bowling, ice skating, something that occupies her so not watching time but equally gives them time to talk and d something fun together. They need to rebuild this relationship first without you in it so she can have some time with her dad and realise he is there for her xxx

thanks everyone.. we have tried taking her bowling etc.. she just has a face on the whole time.. and now my h2b has a new job with a different wage we cant afford to do anything anymore. so he just takes her for lunch and then has a look round shops.. sometimes he will buy he something other times he says no.. like u would with any child! xx

i think she may have rejection issues....

Thanks kisthall I know and its all really hard.. I can tell that he's had enough of it all now too because he doesn't even want to ring her coz she starts whinging about something maybe something that happened 4 Years ago! Anyway.. The reason she isn't having a room is.. We have been trying to concieve for a year now.. Having tests done to see why we haven't concieved now but when we get our own place.. We are getting an appartment which is just big enough for us.. Our room and babys room.. We can't afford a bigger place and she's never wanted to stay before so this is a good arrangement for us both and h2b agrees! And before you all say it.. There's not enough room for another bed or pull out sofa bed.. Me and h2b really disagree with children sleeping on a couch its not right! And also.. Because she's never wanted to stay th been the plan for aver a year and now its happening we're buying this appartment and all paperwork is already set up.. We can't change to a bigger place! Its just going to have to be like this so there's no changing things! Xx