Hi Ladies

I'm so mad!

My mum mentioned today that one of my aunties is going to try and persuade another auntie of mine to attend the wedding. She's my mum's brothers wife and I actually really like her and get on with her.

My problem isn't her ................it's her daughter (my cousin). They're all from Malaysia but this cousin now lives in Scotland after eloping to be with her now husband who the family all disapprove of.

Anyway, my sister and I absolutely hate her, words cannot describe how much we dislike her.

She always ignored me, wouldn't say a word to me, even when I had flown half way across the world to visit family, she'd blank me, then about 5 years ago she suddenly made an effort to talk to me at another cousins wedding ..................I've since worked out she only spoke to me to find out information to benefit her (help her elope).

My sister got married last year and after some chasing my cousin told me she would attend the wedding without her husband and she asked me to ask my sister for the vegetarian meal, ok fine, done.

The morning of the wedding, my sister asked our cousin (her brother who had flown over with his now wife) when she was arriving, presuming she had a flight from Aberdeen early that morning. He looked confused and said she wasn't coming, literally 5 mins later my sister and I got texts from her saying she had a cold so wasn't coming. It was so obvious that she never intended on coming, especially as she had arranged to meet her brother in London the following Monday (the wedding was on Thursday).

So .................given all that, my sister and I decided that she was dead to us and totally cut her off, removed her from FB any everything (my aunty and cousin also witnessed me throwing a massive hissy fit over her behaviour).

Anyway, if her mum comes over for the wedding, I asked my mum if there would be issues with her not being at the wedding as of course she is NOT welcome at my wedding. My mum and dad told me that I have no choice, if she wants to come she must be allowed to as my mum has to keep the entire family happy and I cannot upset them.

Ummmm .............MY WEDDING!!!!!! I HATE HER!!!!!!

I said I don't want to see her ever again and certainly not on MY wedding day. I was told point blank tough.

I swear if I see her I will choke on my own wedding breakfast. I want to kick scream and shout and put her in the corner at the back with her facing away from everyone so I don't have to see her. I want to ignore her and blank her and make it clear she is not welcome and that I don't want her there.

What would you do?

Thanks ladies xx

Horrible situation
Your mum should not be putting you in this position
Is there anyway you could speak to your aunt?
Tell her how after your sisters wedding & her behaviour, you are sorry to say her daughter is not welcome at your wedding?

I wouldn't rock the boat with your mum - but I'd get in touch with your cousin and tell her how you feel. Tell her that she only has an invite because of family pressure but you really don't want her to attend and she wouldn't be welcome after how she treated your sister. I'm sure if she really knows she isn't wanted then she'll make an excuse and not turn up.

Ok I'm going to get ridiculed for this but you do come across like a bridezilla. I'm thinking she either actually really was genuinely unwell or she simply decided it was best not to go because of animosity between you, your sister and herself.

You started your post telling us how much you have always hated her anyway, see what I mean? This girl was brought up in another country and perhaps feels like an outsider. Sorry but that's just my opinion.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation and i think you should not invite her your meant to have your loved ones at your wedding only who you want to come to your wedding should be at your wedding. Don't fall out with your mum over this just tell your auntie that you don't want her daughter coming because of the way she has treated you all these years and the way she treated your sister is not right You Cant Please Everyone Hun Unfortunately. Its your wedding your day your meant to be happy i would be seething too its your wedding your day and don't let them control your day don't let them tell you what you can and cant do. Its all down to you, whatever you decide im with you Here if you Wanna Talk Hun ♥X♥

awww no. Don't plan at all for her, if she turns up then let her watch the ceremony and afterwards advise her of the nearest cafe if she wants to eat. I'm not aware of how strong your mums bond is with the family or if there are any strong traditions etc but why is your mum putting trying to keep the family happy over your happiness on the most important day of your life. She should be putting you first. I apologise if I've spoken out of turn and I hope I've not upset you saying this. I think if my mum was like that I'd just go off and get married and not tell her. xx

If they disapprove of the husband, then insist on inviting him, saying you're not inviting her on her own... Then see if they're still so insistent on her being there?

Also, sorry, in relation to feeling like an outsider, out of all 10 of us cousins, my sister and I are the only ones from this country, the other 8 (our cousins) are all born and bred in Malaysia and grew up together in the same little town down the road from eachother so if anyone felt like outsiders we would have done but all the other cousins apart from her have been nice to us and made an effort with us despite being so far away.

Another auntie, my mums sister noticed how I'd tried to engage with her and she totally ignored me and my auntie commented to me as she could see I was upset by it and made it clear she disapproved of her behaviour.

I would tell your parents straight: she isn't coming, end of story. If she randomly shows up, there will not be space, nor food, for her.

That said, is there ANY way you could compromise and allow her to come to the evening to keep the peace? That way you don't need to worry about her letting you down at the last minute, and you being left to foot the bill, plus at the evening you'll barely have to see her, let alone speak to her. Just a thought.

Are your parents paying? If not, you simply say 'she isn't coming, if she shows up, the ushers will eject her'.

If they're paying, it's trickier; but I would still put my foot down. I will not having ANYONE at our wedding who we're not close to, let alone who we actively dislike. If my parents insisted on inviting someone we didn't like (they're paying), and refused to compromise, I would seriously tell them the wedding was off and elope; that may sound dramatic, but our wedding is not a circus or a free-for-all to us; it is a chance to celebrate our love for each other and our life-long commitment to each other with people we love and who love us. That to me is THE most important part of the day, and not something I personally would ever compromise on; and if that meant causing a scene, cancelling, and getting married on a beach abroad, I would do it.

You need to get across that this is your day, and that this is something very important to you, and that you simply will not compromise.

What a horrible situation to be in, your parents are cruel for putting you in that position especially after the issues at your sisters wedding. The end of the day if you really dont want her there then try explaining to your mum and dad how much its upsetting you, but also maybe speak to the cousin and see what she has to say for herself? xx

InDreamLand if your sisters MIL and FIL wasnt invited due to the fact your mum cant stand them, then put your foot down and say your cousin is not coming end of you and your sister both cant stand her.Its not fair and family is the most important FACT!! But your Sisters MIL and FIL was not invitied there technically family too. DO NOT INVITE YOUR COUSIN UNFAIR ON YOU ITS YOUR BIG DAY YOUR WEDDING YOUR IN CONTROL =:-D ♥X

Have you said this to your parents InDreamland? Do they know how you really feel? I understand what you mean about cultures and saving face, my h2b is Greek and we have been going through the same thing of all family must be invited otherwise we are disrespecting them but there is no way we can cater for that amount of people. However, if h2b's parents knew that one member of the family had been disrespectful to either of us (like your cousin so obviously has been to you and your sister) then there is no way they would force us to have them there. It is her losing face by eloping and acting how she does, she is the one who is looked down on so I'm sure there would be alot of understanding from other family members as to why she was not invited. They are obviously not blind to everything she has done, and if she cared one little bit about family and tradition then she would not have eloped to get married. So if she didn't stick to tradition for her own wedding and invited none of the family to it, then why should you be expected to stick to tradition and invite her to yours? xxx

Could you not send her an invite and give her a deadline to respond. If she doesn't respond assume she isn't coming. That way you get to keep your parents happy knowing full well she won't respond within a decent time x

I like madisons idea, give her a deadline and if she doesnt respond say sorry your invite has been allocated to someone else? xx

I understand what you're saying I'll-be-36. I just feel that I had never done anything to her and she just for some reason decided that she would blank and ignore me in front of everyone else which was incredibly embarrassing when they could see I tried to engage with her but got no response.

I decided after so many years, when I was old enough, to have nothing more to do with her in my life. There is no feud, we've never argued, she just chose years ago to ignore me no matter what efforts I made with her. She's the one who made me feel like s**t and inadequate and unworthy of her attention/acknowledgement for reasons I have never known. So now I feel I am able to choose who I do and don't have in my life and had decided I don't want her there on the one day I should have no stresses. I don't like being used and treated like something scraped off the bottom of her shoe, why would I have someone like that at my wedding?

I spoke to my best mate lastnight and we agreed I will speak with my sister about dealing with this issue when she's back. I feel very strongly about this.

Having seen lots of posts from Indreamland since joining this forum and following her wedding plans, I have formed the opinion that she is a very genuine and honest person who rarely has a moan or rant about anything so a bit shocked to see this thread. I would definitely never class her as a bridezilla.

I can understand how you feel about this cousin as it sounds like your sister have made efforts to be civil with her to have them thrown in your face. There is no way to get out of inviting her, as you've said that Chinese tradition will not allow for this. I would send her an invite but not bother chasing until the last minute. If you don't get a straightforward answer let her know that you assume she is not attending. If she says that she is coming the by the power of ukbride we will collectively use mind power to stop her. To be honest I don't think she'll turn up even if she says she will. If that's the case you have a wasted meal but don't have to feel like poo on your wedding day.

Sorry I can't be of more help Hun.

Id just say tough shit, she's not invited and she can turn up all she wants but shes not been accounted for so there wont be any food for her. Theres no way Id have someone I hated at the wedding, and I wouldnt be inviting her to keep the peace, Id just tell all concerned they know the score, and shes not invited, regardless of the fact she isnt likely to turn up anyway, you're not willing to extend that courtesy.

I don't really know anything about your own personal traditions and how badly it would go down so that's easy for me to say, but I'm just stubborn and there's no way Id be paying for someone to be there that I didnt want there

Oh, actually, if it WAS that much of an issue, send an invite (one of those ones you can get in packs from supermarkets etc) and just dont chase it up, leave it to your parents, and tell them THEY can pay for her to be there if they want her there so much, sit her as far away as possible, and when she deosnt turn up, its not you out of pocket

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No you don't have to justify yourself, I understood what you meant from your first post. I just hope it works out alright for the big day and she's not there to spoil it by trying to make you feel insignificant.

InDreamland you dont have to justify yourself to anyone :) I hope you can get this sorted out soon and that it leaves you with the result you want :) xxx

Not only this but why would you want to invite someone who cancelled at the very last minute due to having a cold - I mean seriously!!! What if she has a cold on your wedding day - you will have shelled out a lot of money over nothing!!!!

Thank you so much ladies :D
xx

Thanks Dawn, I can totally understand your suggestion and think it does make sense. Unfortunately I feel sick at just the thought of seeing her again after what she's done to me personally and she doesn't seem to care at all that she made me feel so insignificant and unworthy of her attention in front of my uncles, aunts, parents etc.............. I actually feel stupid for letting her then "use" me to get information, I actually thought that she had grown up and was starting to make an effort with me then she just went back to ignoring me once she got the information she wanted. I hate that feeling and I know that seeing her on the one day that is going to be so special for me and H2B she will just taint the whole day.

If I am absolutely forced to have her there though I will make it very clear that she is not welcome by keeping her as far away from me as possible at the wedding breakfast, will brief the photographer so she is not in any of the photos and will ignore her in the receiving line (I'll get my sister to usher her away so she doesn't even come up to me). I will also request that in the ceremony she is as far away from the aisle and behind someone bigger so I don't see her, out of sight out of mind hopefully.

My sister will speak to me about this later today so hopefully she'll come up with a good plan.
xx

you've done the right thing and its nice that your sister has stepped up and said she will sort it and take responsability off you

Go your sis!