So basically, I've always been really close to my dad, and I've always wanted him to give me away and be on the top table for my wedding and be in lots of pictures etc.
He is now going through a divorce with my mother and they both now have separate partners.
I went round his and his new partner's place and was talking about it saying "oh you'll get to wear a really nice suit and cravat and do a speech and give me away and be in lots of photos the photographer wants to do a 10 minute shoot just me and you before we leave" and he just went totally crazy at me saying "I don't want to wear a suit, I hate ties, I don't like my photo taken, I can't sit on a top table and have everyone looking at me" and like every nice thing I suggest to him he starts arguing with me and telling me he doesn't want to be involved.
He is now starting to come around, and he has agreed to wear a suit but he's still arguing with me about the speech, top table and photos.

Is it me being selfish or him?

I feel really upset 'cause I've always been a traditional person, and when he got married his dad wasn't even invited and my mum's dad wasn't around either so he hasn't exactly seen the father's role in his own wedding to my mum.

He upset me a lot over this and at one point I was nearly ready to ask my mum to give me away and have him just as a guest.
Just needed to get this off my chest and wondered if there's anyone else going through the same or similar situation?

I personally don't like top-tables: I think they're a bit awkward. We're having a round table so we can all talk to each other properly. So I can see where your dad's coming from on this. I'd say you have a few options: make him suck it up, or, have a round table instead of a traditional top-table, or, don't have him at the top-table and have him head a table with his new partner instead.

I also don't think people should have to do speeches if they don't want to just because it's tradition; my OH isn't sure, and I've said I'll do one instead if he doesn't want to. Likewise if the best man or my dad didn't want to, that would be fine with me.

As far as the photos go, I think compromise could be key here; I think some posed family shots are nice, but, maybe keep these to bare minimum, and then have lots of reportage-style ones where he won't notice the camera and so won't feel uncomfortable. Get a photographer who specialises in this sort of unobtrusive photography, and explain your dad's worries to him.

I don't think you are being selfish at all, and I don't know your dad but if his reaction is genuinely one brought on by nerves about a big day then neither is his. However, he is your dad and so surely he must have been expecting to do this at somepoint?

You need to both meet in the middle some how, he needs to put his nerves aside and step up for his daughter but you nee to be accomodating of him feeling uncomfortable. Perhaps you could suggest that instead of giving a full speech he just makes a few quick thank yous and toasts you and then your mum could say a few words?

I don't know your relationship but if you can I'd try and talk about it with him on your own. Explain that you really want him to be there with you on your day but that you understand it's a bit scary so ask him to be honest about what he is worried about and try and find a way to work it out together. If he can't do that and meet you in the middle, then i think that would be a bit selfish of him.

I hope you get it all sorted soon. xxx

I have no other male family members that could do a speech from my side of the family.

He is giving me away and is happy to do that.

Thanks for the support, hope I can figure something out with him.

Don't think he's too worried about extended family to be honest, all the family from my side is my mum, dad and sister (and mum and dad's new partners) and my mum's 3 aunties and 2 uncles, which I haven't seen any of them in about 10 years, nor has my dad, so we're not exactly close. That is literally all the family I have. No actual aunties/uncles/cousins/grandparents.

Thanks for the thoughts though Kerrie :) x

I don't think you are being selfish at all. You say you and your dad are close and he has kicked off about everything you have suggested. Could it be fear about seeing your mum?

Hope you get it sorted xx

I agree with lala,it is most likely down to the divorce at present. I was thinking that until I got to lala's post and saw she thought the same. Go to him on his own and discuss what he would like to do and not like to do and hopefully you can work around it.

By the way I wouldn't buy the fact he doesn't know what a brides dad's role is as he is bound to have attended at least one more wedding in his life other than his own.

Ok thanks for that I'll-be-36 I thought we were supposed to HELP each other.. :(

I expect as the others say, its prob nerves. nerves of seeing your mum so soon after a divorce (my parents are fine together as they split when I was two they sort of had to be, however as the kids are older, the parents dont really see each other as much). Plus he's probably overwhelmed as his lil girl is growing up and moving on etc. i know my dad struggles to come to terms with that - his coping mechanism is to take the mick out of everything i do..

add that to the new girlfriend and hes prob just got loads on his mind.. please dont feel like he doesnt care as im sure thats not the case, but if its a new relationship then everyone falls into the trap of gettinga bit carried away. maybe sit him down and explain how you feel - light heartedly though over lunch or something? hope you can work something out together :) xx

Hope so girls, thanks