I am having real problems with the mother of one of my bridesmaids. Basically, her youngest daughter is my goddaughter so of course she is going to be a bridesmaid. She is rather a pushy person anyway but she has told her other 2 daughters that they are bridesmaids as well as making herself bestwoman! I adore her daughters to pieces but we honestly can't afford the dresses not to mention us having too many bridesmaids to take up the aisle so being diplomatic I said too expensive but nooooo, she just said she'd pay for their dresses so now we have no escape route! We aren't getting out of this as we don't want to upset the girls now that she has already told them so we were thinking to have them as usherettes.... They can still wear the dress and be involved but they won't be walking up the aisle because it's no skin off our noses as we won't be paying for the dresses!! We really don't want her as 'bestwoman' as she puts it at all but we seem to be lumbered with her even though we have only just got engaged. We want to just have our bestman from Uni but she seems to be butting in no matter what we do.... It's really putting a damper on things atm :(
Any way we could get rid of them altogether ladies or do you think we are stuck with them?? It is proving such a headache and causing real issues but just hate the way she is pushing in and taking control.... :(
Married my wife on 15.08.15
Honeymooned on the Isles of Scilly :)
CommentAuthor*The NewMrsMalin*
Sounds like you may be stuck with them as when kids are involved it gets tricky as you don't want to upset the kids; especially since the 'best woman' has told them they are being bridesmaids. Don't give up hope yet though as your wedding is in three years so she may have lost interest by then? Hopefully
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CommentAuthorangel830609
I would tell her you're happy for the other 2 children to be usherettes and youngest to be bridesmaid, but you have already chosen your best 'person' and it is not her, do it in front of the girls so they know your not the one saying they cant be involved if she decides to say 'they can't if she cant', obviously put it in a nicer way because of the girls, but you need to nip this in the bud now, remember it's your wedding not her's don't be afraid to put your foot down xx
it's been a long hard road, but hopefully we're getting
somewhere :) xx
CommentAuthorCatherineR
Hahaha, you say hopefully..... I have my doubts lol. I have a feeling that wedding day will come round and she will still be here :(
We keep going over this but it's difficult because although we want her and the girls involved it is only the husband who doesn't have a role in the wedding now for goodness sake!! I don't want to upset her though, the thing is when she said to be best woman, I sort of agreed because the way she put it as I didn't have much choice but when my fiancé and I discussed it we realized we really don't want her taking over like this..... ARGH!! I think the girls will be ok with it as they will still get to wear dresses and be involved fingers crossed but the mother, I really don't know. I can see a really big flare up over this, I'm trying my best to keep everyone happy as I do want as many involved as possible I'm not an octopus and can't involve everyone. She feels she should be involved as she's done a lot for me!! xx
Married my wife on 15.08.15
Honeymooned on the Isles of Scilly :)
CommentAuthoralmost a year wife!!
I personally think it's abit mean to have just one without the two... That's just me though x
I possibly would have included the older sisters as bridesmaids from the start, as I have done with my flower girl's big sister, because with children I wouldn't feel happy to have one sibling not another. I'm quite happy having a big bridal procession. The mum jumping to that conclusion is very cheeky though, and she certainly shouldn't be assuming that she will be your right hand women. I don't think you can exclude the girls now, they'd be devastated, but their mum is a different matter. Do you have a MOH. Maybe you could drop her into the conversation to make the point.
30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.
CommentAuthorCatherineR
Unfortunately LMC1302/Elinor Claire, we already have 8 bridesmaids without these 2 and have already had to drop a page boy who is my cousin because she has pushed in and told them they are bridesmaids without even asking us! Family should come first yet they are coming first because she is rather pushy... She didn't even ask, just told them without asking and now we've got nowhere to turn as we can't disappoint the 2 girls really :( Also, we aren't made of money either.... x
Married my wife on 15.08.15
Honeymooned on the Isles of Scilly :)
CommentAuthorDeb&Cat2017
It's a tricky situation (I'm the other half to be if you hadn't guessed by my username!) as we rather had the whole family of the "best woman" pushed on us before we could even start thinking about bridesmaids.... We'd love to include them as they are lovely, but it's like we didn't get the chance to think about who we wanted before we were told that we were having them. We both get on really well with the family in question and don't want any arguments or upsets over this, but it's a question of finding a diplomatic way of putting it!
CommentAuthoralmost a year wife!!
Then in that case I wouldn't have asked your god daughter I do agree it's wrong of their mum to do what she has....
Ill marry my hero
CommentAuthorCatherineR
She's my goddaughter though and surely if you had a goddaughter you'd like her involved? It's only natural surely. I've been to plenty of weddings where a sibling has been a bridesmaid and others are left out including 2 family weddings :)
Married my wife on 15.08.15
Honeymooned on the Isles of Scilly :)
CommentAuthoralmost a year wife!!
To me it doesn't matter god daughter or not to me, those other two little girls will feel left out... I'd never show favouritism god daughter or no.... Don't mean to upset u.... Maybe the girls' mum is acting the way she is because she doesn't want her ther two left out.... Xx
Ill marry my hero
CommentAuthor~Beauty&TheBeast2Be~
I can understand wanting your Goddaughter as your bridesmaids, and i think Usherettes for the other two is also a brilliant idea, there still involved, same dresses, just not so many going up the aisle. You'll be there all day with 10! There still involved at the end of the day, it's not like you're telling them to sit down and just be a guest.
As for pushy lady, i agree be honest with her now, in front of the kids. So she can't stir things.
Best of luck x
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CommentAuthorCatherineR
Unfortunately, we have to draw the line somewhere because otherwise we would have everyone wanting to be a bridesmaid lol. Usherettes I think are a good compromise as they will still get everything, but they just don't have to walk as far :) I'll try and be up front with her about my pushy lady, not looking forward to it though... Thank you for all your help ladies - It is much appreciated xx
Married my wife on 15.08.15
Honeymooned on the Isles of Scilly :)
CommentAuthoralmost a year wife!!
I do like the idea of usherettes though x
Ill marry my hero
CommentAuthorCatherineR
Thanks :)
Trying to compose an email to the mum explaining the situation calmly and logically but without upsetting her. Hoping that she will she that the sprogs are still glorified bridesmaids and that it is actually more important having them help hand out programs, directing guests and helping than just having them potter up the aisle.. xx
Married my wife on 15.08.15
Honeymooned on the Isles of Scilly :)
CommentAuthorMrsH-2B
My cousins told their little girls they'd be my bridesmaids when I hadn't mentioned a thing.. My mum kindly told my cousins I'm not having bridesmaids.. My lol cousins were upset but there's 6 of them all under 14 and I didn't want the spenditure or the hassle ! I think you're brave involving any children lol.. The only children in ours are my stepsons who will be 8 and 16.. So I suppose only one child really.. The usherettes are brilliant idea, they could stand with the adult ushers if you're having any.. As for their mum, I agree with everyone else.. You could even say you don't want to hassle her with wedding stuff as you'll need her to keep an eye on her girls throughout the day Xxx
I can't wait to become his Wife :-)
4th July 2015
CommentAuthoralmost a year wife!!
Ahhhh they could hand out confetti too if you're providing it x
Ill marry my hero
CommentAuthorCatherineR
Ooooo, what a great idea LMC - I will definitely keep that one in mind for them to do!
Hehehe, brave is one way of putting it... Plain stupid may be more accurate lol but I love children and so does my fiancé but we have way too many friends to exclude the children and we don't want to really.. As there are 2 brides we wouldn't really have much of a groom's party apart from a couple of ushers so we thought to spread things out a bit we would put a couple of them as usherettes! xx
Married my wife on 15.08.15
Honeymooned on the Isles of Scilly :)
CommentAuthorLinzi-jo
Personally I think you should keep them as bridesmaids, you could always have all three of them walk down together and then the procession wont be that much longer. As for the mum, could you ask her to maybe be a witness for you so she signs the marriage certificate and maybe do a reading at the ceremony? Tell her that you already have a best man and a lot of bridesmaids so would she mind doing this instead? I hope you can work it all out, just remember that it is your two days, not hers, and so don't feel pressured into having anything or anyone that you don't want xxx
Got together 14.02.2008
Got engaged 31.12.2010
Will become a Mrs on 30.08.2014 xxxxxx
CommentAuthorCatherineR
Thank you Linzi-Jo - I've mentioned about her maybe doing a reading in the chapel/ceremony as I thought that was a good compromise.... Take cover ladies, this is the email I have just sent after spending the last hour trying to compose.....
Also, we have been re-evaluating bridesmaids as we have rather a lot - We were thinking, could *** and *** be usherettes instead of bridesmaids? We need some ushers anyway so instead we thought we could have ushers and usherettes because as you say, it is going to be an unusual wedding anyway! It would be in a more organizational role and would be involved in things such as directing guests, handing out confetti and giving out orders of service etc. They would still get to wear a bridesmaids dress, get ready with us all having hair/make-up/help get Debbie and I ready on the day so the only thing they wouldn't be doing is walking up the aisle really. We've already had to get rid of some of the people we wanted including my cousin who was originally going to be a page boy as we just can't afford everyone and would look a bit ridiculous taking everyone up the aisle because even without him and your including 3 girls we still have 10 altogether!
With you wanting to be best woman, would you prefer to sit with *** (her husband)? He will be on his own without anyone to sit with during the day not knowing anyone especially as the 3 girls are included as it is and we do have a head bridesmaid and a bestman already before you mentioned about being best woman. I know I said before when speculating last year you would be but it is a case of trying to balance it all out with my family, Debbie's family, and all our friends including you. You'd still be able to help organise the hen party with *** (bestman) if you both are willing to work together on this but maybe you can do a reading in the chapel or a poem in the legal ceremony? We've had to do a bit of re-juggling so that the majority of people get a role but without upsetting anyone at the same time! The last thing that either of us want to do is upset you of all people as you are very important to us both and especially me. We've had to speak to other people too about alteration of roles, so it isn't just you and the girls I can assure you. It's been very stressful us trying to work out what to do and then sub sequentially telling people. It has been the content of many of our conversations as we have been so worried about what to do as I love you very much. I hope you understand as it's been upsetting for me trying to work out how to handle this. We've been desperately been trying to sort out something that suits everyone and I hope you can see that.
What do you all think?? Diplomatic and nice but to the point?? xx
Married my wife on 15.08.15
Honeymooned on the Isles of Scilly :)
CommentAuthoralmost a year wife!!
I think it's good but thinking about seriously though hun - do you not think it's a little early to organise your bridal parties? A lot can change in six months let alone 3 yrs... Just a thought chick x
Ill marry my hero
CommentAuthorCatherineR
I know, but you've all said to nip it in the bud now so I thought I would.. Didn't want this hanging over me and in fairness we are hoping to do it sooner if we can if funds permit fingers crossed so ours is 2017 at the latest x
Married my wife on 15.08.15
Honeymooned on the Isles of Scilly :)
CommentAuthorCatherineR
Anyway, it's exciting and never too early to plan :) you only get married once x
Married my wife on 15.08.15
Honeymooned on the Isles of Scilly :)
CommentAuthoralmost a year wife!!
edited
Fair enough hun... To be totally honest I've only just noticed your countdown otherwise I'd've said sooner, as long as your both happy with it that the main thing! Like i said on your other thread you forum names r gonna confuse me! Lol x
Ill marry my hero
CommentAuthorCatherineR
Hahaha, yes maybe we should change one of them LOL.. Might help de-confuse things!! x
Married my wife on 15.08.15
Honeymooned on the Isles of Scilly :)
CommentAuthorLinzi-jo
E-mail sounds great to me hun, you get the point across but in a nice and friendly way and by putting about having to change others roles too it wont make her feel like it is only her you are trying to change things with. Good luck, let us know what happens xxx
Got together 14.02.2008
Got engaged 31.12.2010
Will become a Mrs on 30.08.2014 xxxxxx
CommentAuthorCatherineR
Yes, that's what I thought. I put in about other people too as I thought it might soften the blow a bit and it is true about not having my cousin sadly because she but in with her girls. I just so hope she takes it well and won't be too upset. She means a lot to me and do still want her involved just in a slightly less important role as I do still have other people to consider. Fingers crossed for me and I will definitely let you all know asap. Thank you huni xxx
Married my wife on 15.08.15
Honeymooned on the Isles of Scilly :)
CommentAuthorWhovianbride
thats a really good clam well reasoned message, i don't see a way she could take offence at it. let us know the response! x
Met June 2009 on my Birthday,Met again July 2009 and got
together, May 2010 Moved in,Jan 2011 got pregnant,
August 2011 Got our own place, 2011 Had our Baby Girl,
Dec 2011 Got engaged, July 2015 Getting married! Yay!
CommentAuthorGemmaP11
Thats a good email. If she decides to paddy, let her. Its your day dont let her go dictating what you can and cant do or should and shouldnt do. Hope she sees sense :) x
CommentAuthorCatherineR
Thanks ladies, we both thought so as well but she must have taken offence because it has been over 8 dayd since I sent it and nit hear anything..... I worded it well and they still all get to br involvrd just in a slightly less involved role x
Married my wife on 15.08.15
Honeymooned on the Isles of Scilly :)
CommentAuthorLauraJo87
Unfortunately, you can never please everyone Hun.
She might just be feeling a bit sheepish as she realises that she's pressured you into things, and is trying to think of how to respond. It was a great email, she might be a bit miffed but it's best these things are sorted now, rather than six weeks before the wedding xx
My Beating Heart Belongs To You
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The First Day Of My Happily Ever After
CommentAuthorCatherineR
Thank you Laura! I have left her to think about it but I have now sent a gentle fb msg to see if she ok. It is a case of compromise but if family are getting pushed put something needs to be sorted. At the end of the day, I don't want a big drama out of this or it brewing on until dress day and her wondering why we aren't doing dresses for them all xx
Married my wife on 15.08.15
Honeymooned on the Isles of Scilly :)
CommentAuthorVelcro
edited
if she doesn't give you the courtesy of replying or spits her dummy out, just fire all of them from the bridal party. Laura Jo could be right though, she might just be feeling sheepish!
I can understand that they would be upset if they were 'left out', as im sure any kid would be, their sibling getting that role, but I just wouldn't care, as harsh as that sounds. But then, in your situation, id know there would be repercussions of asking one and not another as that issue is constant when their are kids involved, god daughter or not, unless there was just the ONE kid and it was my best friend (and even then, I probably wouldn't ask - my friends have been told their kids aren't invited) - I wouldn't even consider asking a child outside of the immediate family anyway.
I do hope she responds eventually though, your email was very well written, and if I were her I wouldn't feel offended or angry or anything and if she does, she's absolutely no reason to, as shes pushed it all on you in the first place. I do think you've shot yourself in the foot though, asking only one of her kids, that was never bound to go down well
Also, the fact SHE has told them already, isn't your problem, that's HER getting their hopes up, not you, so why should you feel guilty about letting them down. that's emotional blackmail in my book and id of just told her to jog on
Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey
*Kelbel* is my wedding twinny!
CommentAuthorSherylJ
CommentAuthorFreyaA
Any news yet? Was a brilliant email. In terms of 3 years being to long, I diasgree, we started planning 2.5 years before the big day and had these bridesmaids conundrums right at the beginning, there is so much to stress about I say its good to even it out over a few years! There will be plenty more taking over to deal with yet! Good luck!
CommentAuthorCatherineR
Thanks FreyaA!! The reason we are planning this far in advance is because we are students, don't graduate until 2015 and therefore need to do a 'gradual paying for things' type thing! Plus all that time for wedding talk!! :D She never replied and ignored me for 3 weeks so I've no idea what she thinks or is happening... She has started talking to me again but she is acting like everything is fine and dandy, as if it never happened... What the heck?! xx
Married my wife on 15.08.15
Honeymooned on the Isles of Scilly :)
CommentAuthorFernP61
Lol is she thinking its HER wedding?? She had no right telling those little girls that and she did it knowing that there was nothing you could do! Have you arranged with her that you will be choosing the dresses even though she's paying for them? That will prob the next thing for her to be petty about, as for the email you sent it was perfectly written she stayed quiet because she knows you were right she prob wanted to leave you hanging and so on dont give into her x
CommentAuthorCatherineR
I wouldn't be surprised lol. When she got married many years ago she didn't get anything she wanted I don't think. Stressful because of the clashes of cultures with her and hubby's family and it wasn't her dream wedding but I wouldn't think even she would be THAT petty! I have no idea if she has worked it out about the types of dresses but I will send her a choice and they will have to decide or they are not involved. It's going to be interesting when I tell my family at Christmas as it is and the last thing I need is a blow out from her! I worded the email very carefully so that if she wants they can be involved ..... I just don't want a takeover from her which seems to be happening. I won't be giving in but when it comes to dresses, we will be in charge not her. Kind but firm is the only option with her atm and if she doesn't like it, lump it tbh! xx
Married my wife on 15.08.15
Honeymooned on the Isles of Scilly :)
CommentAuthorsarah
Three years is a bit early to be choosing bridesmaids in my honest opinion. I know you've already selected several, but it may be a good time to table the selection of anymore. Three years is a long time and things will change. You may find that you do all this planning involving your bridal party only to change it closer to the time.
CommentAuthorCatherineR
edited
No disrespect Sarah, but you are only getting married the year before me so I don't really think that's fair saying about my bridal party when you are a long way off yourself quite frankly. I just wanted a bit of support and guidance on this :(
Married my wife on 15.08.15
Honeymooned on the Isles of Scilly :)
CommentAuthorVelcro
I don't think she meant any disrespect, some of us have learnt the hard way choosing our BMs too soon, only to think, gee, I really wish I hadn't done that..... myself included, its been months since I even spoke to the girl ive dropped so she doesn't even know yet! kinda wish id not got carried away as I wouldn't have the number I have now lol....
I think the bridal party is best left til much closer the time - and you generally might be best just putting a lid on it for now, the kids will grow in the meantime so its not like you really need to go trying things on etc, 3 years is an eternity to children. I think personally now, id just say no more about it - and if she brings it up I would just say oh its ages off before we need to dress shop I just know I like *certain style/colour*
Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey
*Kelbel* is my wedding twinny!
CommentAuthorsarah
Wow, I didn't mean to upset you but all I was offering was some advice how about how you can move forward. I haven't selected any bridesmaids and won't until about a year out. That way there's enough time for dresses, shoes, and planing a hen but not a lot of time for drama. So much can happen in 3 years; people move, babies are born, friendships end and new ones begin. My advice came from observations I've made of weddings I've been in and from posts I've read on this board. A large percentage of bridal party issues stem from selecting them too early.
