We booked our wedding 3 weeks ago and thats when the stress started! We are paying for the wedding but my mum is taking over in every aspect!! Not liking the amount of our friends we've invited (which is about 5 or 6 out of 80 in the day!) even though I've invited all her friends like I was made to! Shouting at me for booking our photographer because in her words 'we need to discuss everything', making us go for a higher package £2500 more than the one we wanted because she said it would make her look poor! Even though we're paying (have come round to it now)
Trying to dictate every little detail and its doing our heads in (mine and H2B), she's not easy to talk to, I tried to tell her how I feel but was told I was being selfish and ungrateful! Apparantly Our big day isn't all about us!
On top of everything she wants to do a meet and greet at the hotel the night before for the 2 families which we are both a bit nervous about but thats not the issue, she told the hotel and they've put the room hire for that plus canapes at £7.00 per person for 40 people onto our wedding contract which we now have to pay for!!
Apparantly I should have consulted her on the invitations before I got them too!! I just feel like my wedding is being taken from me and I want to have more control over it. Talking to her doesn't help and yes you may think she's just being 'helpful' but she's always been like this my whole life and I'm her only child!
ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!
CommentAuthorMrsMoran
Can you not just tell her 'look, back off, this is our wedding and we feel the things you want aren't the things that we want and you need to let us do things the way we want', don't feel bad hun, it's your day to have how YOU want, not hers, so don't be afraid to tell her to back off, especially as you're paying for it too, not her!! Next time she suggest something you don't want, just firmly say "no!" i know it's hard, but it's the only way to stop it hun, just say "no! We have limited out budget to .... and that's what we're sticking with", she'll have no choice but to back down xxx
CommentAuthorMrsEminson2B
oh dear I think weddings can bring out the worst in some mothers or even families in general they always seem to have an opinion and what you should and shouldnt do. I have been lucky in my planning have chosen everything myself altho had input from my mum and my sister (MOH) they have still left all decisions to me.
Your mum needs to realise it is not her big day it is yours and you H2B, there maybe things that she think should happen or that she prefers but the end decision should still come down to you and your H2B.
Will she def not listen to anything you have to say - is there no one else that can have a word with her?
xx
Met Matt at 10 years old
Marrying him at 27 years old
I can't wait to be Mrs Eminson on the 8th June 2013
CommentAuthorKatherineR45
Haven't really got an advice, that is really out of order. Try explaining but I sounds like she has a very strong idea of what she wants for you day!
CommentAuthorTori
I don't think she is being helpful - quite the opposite! I think you are going to have to stand up to her now or she will be dictating to you all your life.
The hotel has no right to add the extras to your contract. I would ring them and cancel the meet and greet!
Firstly go to the hotel and find out who thought they could ok adding stuff to your contract without yours or your fiance's signiture. If they are prepared to add stuff on then that contract is between them and the person who requested it i.e your mother. In this case ask the hotel to speak with your mother and get them to explain that they were in the wrong and that if your mother wants this then she must enter a contractual agreement with the venue.
Secondly...tell you mother she has had her wedding day and although you love her this day is for you and you fiance to celebrae your love for eahcother how you see fit. I would also cut all of her friends from the guest list and only invite the people you really want there. If your mum really care about you she should back down.
I haven't even booked anything for my wedding yet and have already told my mum to back off it is what i want and what my fiance wants and eloping is still a very realistic option for us.
Hope things get better xx
CommentAuthorOWB
Wow, it sounds like you have it tough. I'd tell her to back off and if she doesn't then refuse to discuss any details. Sometimes tough love is called for.
If only life could be one long tea break
CommentAuthorsita_meena
Thanks everyone I'm going to try and talk to her again even if I am being selfish and ungrateful (not entirely sure why she said that!) I should not be scared to tell her to back off I'm 28!!!!!
I tried telling her its our day so we need it the way we want, which is when she said I was being selfish!!! I just feel like screaming! Even H2B has reached the point where he wishes we had just eloped!
CommentAuthorMrsThomson2B
There is still time to elope don't let your mother ruin YOUR day. Do waht feels comfortable for you and tell her nothing xx
CommentAuthorsita_meena
Nah we won't elope now paid out too much to lose all that money now! I need to toughen up!
CommentAuthorMrsH-2B
edited
That's awful :-( my mums paying for our whole venue (we tried to talk her out of it but no luck!) and isn't dictating at all.. I'll always ask her advice if I'm not sure, but if I'm 100% then I get/do it..
Really sorry you've got to go through this Sita xx
I can't wait to become his Wife :-)
4th July 2015
CommentAuthorsita_meena
Any chance your mum wants to adopt me Georgi ;)
CommentAuthorMrsH-2B
Most probably gladly !! Haha. All of my friends call her mum, she unofficially adopted them all throughout school and college haha.. She's amazing :-) xxx
I can't wait to become his Wife :-)
4th July 2015
CommentAuthorJoannaS
I feel really sorry for you Sita my ex mil was like that when I got married the first time till I told her she wasn't paying it was my parents and if anyone was going to tell us what to have it would be them. She did back off then after ex fil told her to wind her neck in. How about speaking to your dad would he be able to tell your mum to back off? xx
CommentAuthorEmmaI93
Hi there sita, (I'm brand new so bear with me) I have been engaged for a while now but have only started planning seriously in the last few months and what has happening to you is exactly whats happening to me. My mother is taking over every aspect....even my dress! I had a guest list of 120 for the day and again like yours only consisted of family and about 10 friends but when she got a hold of the list it's now down to 70! She even cut family out of it! I was ready to go for this beautiful venue in Edinburgh basically perfect for us and i took her to see it out of curtisy and was that the worst decision I ever made. She said she didn't like it, too expensive and too big for the amount of numbers I now have. She says that my dress can't be ivory (even though I look like a ghost already) because it looks like I cant afford white! My wedding isn't til next october and my family are already fighting over wedding arrangements and seating plan. Now I am 22years old and it is me and my H2B that are paying for it, not them and so far I think I have done particularly well bargin hunting for amazing things to make our day look amazing. (so if you want me to find something I'm your person). I had reached my limit a few days ago and put it to her bluntly that I don't care what she thinks. It is OUR day and not hers....I don't care if she didn't have the day that she wanted this one is mine. If she wants to be involved thats fine but she is not taking over.
I was too called selfish but I said I dont give a sh*t it is MY day if I want to be selfish I can be...its got nothing to do with her.
It has worked so far! :-)
So my advice it to stick up for yourself. It's your day! Be happy. Tell her again but be more blunt about it and if she calls you selfish then say yes I am and what of it its my choice. take your wedding list back! their your friends your day and what are her friends to you... have you ever met them for coffee?? probably not invite them to the evening section.
BE CONFIDENT, TAKE BACK CONTROL!!
Hope this helps...it helped me once I had just done it.
Emma xx
CommentAuthorLisaT18
i would just not tell her when you have done anything. i would also tell your mum that it is your wedding not hers so she should back off abit. you should be firm and if she says it isnt all about you you should tell her that it is. its your big day not hers
CommentAuthorMrsH-2B
Great post Emma !! xxx
I can't wait to become his Wife :-)
4th July 2015
CommentAuthorAmyK
Hmm.. I'd say as you've only got three months to do the planning in, you want to do it right and enjoy it - and it seems your mother is not assisting in a helpful way.
Perhaps in her mind, she thinks she knows whats best for her little girl (because that is what you'll always be to her) and shes trying to make it all perfect for you. However well intentioned she may be, its not what you want, and what you and H2B want is what matters. I agree that she can't go adding to your costs - thats not fair of her to try to do that and your venue should not accept anything without a signature.
But my first thoughs were when I read your post was: if she makes you feel like screaming - then scream!!!!!!!!! Maybe it'll make her stop and take notice!!
CommentAuthor*KelBel*
Get your voice heard... Either that or just don't tell her about anything you've booked, just keep it quiet, I don't think she'll like being left out but at least u can then have it the way you want it without worrying about her wanting to change anything else xx
Velcro...my wedding day twinny! The Two Kel's!
Got engaged 14/10/12 in Central Park NYC!
Became Mrs Macdonald 13th September 2014
Mummy to 4 girlies and baby blue boy Due 10/05/2016
CommentAuthorFionaR41
i was going to say the same as kelbel - not to tell your mum anything , the other was that you could ask what she thinks, which by the sounds of things she is just telling you regardless, but then to ignore what she says and just carry on with your own choices..
i would be tempted to contact the venue and tell them that any changes to your day should only be from you and your h2b and no one else, especially if you have a signed contract. I would be really cross with the venue for adding on the meet and greet.
It's taken a while to find my Prince
13th May 2011 we met, 26th May 2012 we got engaged
30th August 2014 we say "I do".
CommentAuthorVelcro
Omg, id be firious with the venue <_< First thing Id be doing is ringing them and asking what the hell....!!! Tell them to either remove the extras or to draw up a new contract in your mothers name and get them to ask her how she plans on paying, she might think twice then!
Id probably be at the point now where id be telling her im not involving her anymore as when i do she takes over. I'd end up having a snapper, and we probably wouldnt speak for about a week or so but she'd come round - she always does. We're both quite willful but luckily my mum has always let me get on with things, she'll voice her opinions or try to tell me to do 'this instead of that' if she doesnt like soemthing etc, but my response is usually so what and i do it anyway. And that's pretty much everything as well as the wedding lol.
Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey
*Kelbel* is my wedding twinny!
CommentAuthorsita_meena
A little info: My parents divorced when I was 7 and I am no longer in contact with him so talking to him would not help!
CommentAuthorEmmaI93
To be honest I don't think secrecy is the way to go. If you want her to not be involved go for it, but it makes you look like your hiding something. Other way of doing it is say you've hired someone to ensure the last 3 months go smoothly (great way to involve bridemaids). It is then no longer in her control and in someone else's who you trust and confide in and will also be on your side at all times however will tell you when they think an idea is stupid.
CommentAuthorsita_meena
Thanks everyone I tried talking to her today to no avail, I told her I'd had enough and Its OUR wedding, she then tried to tell me what music our harpist should play, what the cake should look like and I kinda snapped (as I am a cake maker/baker by profession) so what did she say? I'm a bridezilla! If anyone knows me they know I'm not that!!!
We then had a massive row over the fact that my uncle (her bro) is giving me away and not my dad (massive waste of space and has not really been a dad since I was 16!)
I may have to get the H2B to have words with her because she will never argue with him, its only me she bosses about!
CommentAuthorEmmaI93
I like your effort. But definately keep pushing it she has no right to say what happens especially when it is your day and you are paying for it. She is bang out of order. again stand up for yourself. Make your best friend you last 3 month wedding planner then she definately has no control.
CommentAuthorsita_meena
Thanks Emma!! I'm going to keep trying, failing that I will talk to my aunty (her big sis) and see if she can make her see sense (although even mum bosses her about, she's like that will all the family and they just take it!)
H2B says he's kinda dreading when we become parents!!! Although luckily mum lives in essex and we live in London!
CommentAuthorSazzell23
The thing is sita you have to keep going until she gets the message. Otherwise the nearer the day gets she will just get worse and worse believe me. I have a couple of little regrets over people I should have dealt with in the run up to my wedding and it made so angry and down after the big day was over. So please do keep going with this one otherwise you could look back after the wedding and not be happy about certain things she changed / controlled xx
CommentAuthorGillianE
i would keep standing your ground with your mum and hopefully your mum will see sense. she is been really unfair to you both. In regards to venue i would call them and ask them what they were playing at in adding to your contract on someone elses say so without consulting with yourselfs. To get round anything like this happening again, get a password put on to your account with the venue. Something that only you and your h2b knows so nothing can be changed by anyone else.
