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  1.  
    • Louiseyweesey
      CommentAuthorLouiseyweesey
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Aug 4th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
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    Hello fellow brides to be!

    I was just after some advice over something that's been getting to me, because I don't know what to do and I don't know if it's me being mega selfish :-(

    One of my bridesmaids is my friend from 6th form. It's a friendship that has lasted when I've lost touch with a lot of people, I was bridesmaid at her wedding and I'm also godmother to her two sons. She has been soooo supportive and loyal in the past and I asked her to be my bridesmaid to which she said yes.

    She is absolutely lovely, and I'm trying to find the words to put this as nicely as possible, but things seem to go wrong a lot in her life, and I'm beginning to feel like she will respond to the people who give her the most sympathy. She posts every minor thing on Facebook which I know has upset people, but as far as I'm concerned I will support her through it all.

    I've tried so much in the past to help her out, particularly through her wedding. I live 3 and a half hours away from our hometown, but would come home whenever she needed me there, because in my mind, that's what friends do. I also paid for her first son's baby shower, and took out a loan in my name for her to have cosmetic work on her teeth for her wedding, on the promise that she would pay me the amount every month and I'd not notice any change because she'd pay it the day before the payments came out. In hindsight maybe I shouldn't have, because her and her husband are not great with finances (the reason they couldn't take the loan out themselves was because they had such poor credit history/ so many debts) and they went months with just not paying me because there was always some sort of drama that meant they couldn't. My now fiancé and I struggled ourselves, and managed to keep up payments JUST on our mortgage (we're talking over 200 pounds a month I was paying for her teeth), but I did it because I wanted her to be the happiest she could on her wedding day. I've wanted to be there for her, and came home to her second baby shower less than a week after having an emergency operation - loads of things, all because she is my friend, I love her and I wanted to be a good friend to her. When I wanted to choose her as a bridemsaid, my family and fiance were dead against it, saying that she'd used me and let me down and I argued that she wouldn't do that for my wedding.

    My friend through both pregnancies has had health difficulties, and her pregnancy now with her third child has been no exception. Earlier on in her pregnancy, knowing later would be tougher for her, I desperately wanted all of my bridesmaids together for just one weekend where I live and whilst the other three were totally up for it, this one was more difficult about it. Initially she said that she didn't want to go anywhere without her husband so made the assumption I'd be happy to do all dress shopping down in our hometown. When I explained I just wanted one weekend here together, she did eventually come, and even though she brought her husband and stayed in a hotel because she didn't know the other girls and wanted her space, we had a good time dress shopping.

    As all of us are spread out, I set up a conversation on Facebook Messenger to keep in touch. A few weeks ago, I mentioned I was coming home at the end of July, bearing in mind that as an ME sufferer this is not something that I can frequently do, and were the girls around to have a look at dresses, knowing that it was closer for her. My maid of honour then made a comment about our two families doing a combined BBQ, at which point my friend left the conversation. When I asked if she was OK, she said that she'd been in hospital seriously ill/ nearly died and that the conversation was aimed more at the other girls and she didn't know them so would feel happier messaging me privately. I was sympathetic about her being ill, but explained that I'd set up a new conversation with all of them in as it was easier to keep in touch together. She then asked if she'd upset me and sent me texts saying 'I really hope we're OK' etc. I said there was no problem and her and baby are obviously priority. On that new group message I organised a shopping trip for us all to look at bridesmaid dresses which the other girls were up for, and messaged my friend seperately to say if she didn't want to come dress shopping it would be lovely to meet her with the other girls for a coffee. At this point she said she couldn't leave the house at all until the baby was born, she was really really ill (baby is due in a few days) and couldn't possibly leave her husband, and she then posted this to the other girls. I felt like such a cow and felt I'd been really mean asking her to come out. HOWEVER, she has been posting a lot about her various trips out to meet friends and have 1-1 girly time with them. :-/

    I posted the photos that we'd all looked at after the trip and asked for her thoughts. She didn't respond. The other day I sent her a private message and asked - she said she'd not had time to look because she is being induced this Thursday, and that she would let the other girls choose and she'd have a size 12. I need to order their dresses at October half term latest because due to everyone being spread out, it's going to be tough getting them together for alterations. I feel so selfish saying this, but my worry is that she won't come out before then. I really want to see them all in the final dress before I order (I've explained that bit to her and she hasn't responded).

    So many people are telling me to ditch her, but I don't want to because I know she'd be upset and I don't want that to happen. Maybe I just need to wait until the baby has been born, maybe I'm just being mega selfish - I don't know? But at the same time, I'm worrying about the dresses being ordered on time and the girls all wearing something that they are happy in. If I am totally honest, it feels a bit like she is being distant because I'm not revolving everything around her - in the past that has caused friendships between her and our other friends to dwindle but I want her as my bridesmaid - I want her to still be an important part of my wedding. I don't believe that I've helped her out and she owes me or anything like that, there's just a few things I'd maybe like her to be more understanding about.

    Sorry this is such a long message. Any advice massively appreciated :) xxxx
  2.  
    • Glitterfairy
      CommentAuthorGlitterfairy
      Got married 8 years ago
      Posted: Aug 4th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Didn't want to read and run. I hope you get it sorted out, maybe best to wait till the end of the month, you'll still have time, that gives her a few weeks to get sorted following the birth of the baby and home from there.

    Members signature icon
    Our wedding day - 6 October 2012


  3.  
    • Mrs T Hurley!
      CommentAuthorMrs T Hurley!
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Aug 4th 2015
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    I would say at least wait until the baby is born then decide on the dresses.

    In terms of others saying to ditch her, I would say the only person that can decide that is you. She maybe distant due to baby! Xx

    Members signature icon
    Met 18/09/03
    Engaged 06/09/08
    Getting married 05/09/17
  4.  
    • Louiseyweesey
      CommentAuthorLouiseyweesey
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Aug 4th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Thanks ladies. Yeah waiting till after baby is a good idea, I'm not in a hurry over the next few weeks or anything like that. Yeah a couple of people have said to me that a leopard can't change its spots, but I definitely want to give her a chance. I'm very hopeful that once the baby is here things will naturally sort out and I won't need to worry about saying anything to her. Think I just needed to get it out in the open lol xxxx
  5.  
    • Mrs T Hurley!
      CommentAuthorMrs T Hurley!
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Aug 4th 2015
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    Sometimes it's good to vent! Certainly helps clear your head! Xx

    Members signature icon
    Met 18/09/03
    Engaged 06/09/08
    Getting married 05/09/17
  6.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Aug 4th 2015
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    Pregnancy can sometimes do things to people. You've obviously been a good friend to her, and on your background she sounds like an obvious choice for a bridesmaid. It really depends on whether you want her there. It sounds like it might be best to avoid giving her much responsibility, you have other bridesmaids so you can rely on them and just worry about getting your friend to look the part. You might actually find in her case that whatever dress you order you need to go a size or two bigger just in case the baby weight proves difficult to shed. It's easier to take dresses in than to let them out.

    Members signature icon
    30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
    It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.

  7.  
    • Louiseyweesey
      CommentAuthorLouiseyweesey
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Aug 5th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Thanks Elinor. Definitely - I'm thinking that they will measure all of the girls anyway and decide the best size themselves. Like you say, easier to take in than out. As long as they all feel happy in them, I'm happy :-) xxxx
 
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