I've always been a little unsure on one of the bridesmaid's, she has been my best friend from school but we lost touch a little when she moved to university and didn't seem to make much time to see me, which I assumed was properly just down to her being busy with uni and living about 40 mile away. When I got engaged last year, I had an engagement party which she promised no matter what she would make it ... I got a text the day of the party saying she wouldn't be able to make it (after checking on her)
I did ask her to be my bridesmaid and she was more than happy to come and try her bridesmaid dress on, since then I've hardly seen her, she couldn't make it my birthday or when I asked if she would come help bridal shopping, which I asked in advance giving her plenty of time or organize something.
Yesterday she told me, she properly can't afford my hen do and she's been buying motorcycle leathers...then goes on to tell me she can't stay most of the evening do, due to it being her mums birthday. Which I don't want to sound selfish... but it isn't a special birthday and I'm only going to getting married once? Im sure her mum would understand it's her best friends wedding? However i let it slide..
Now i asked her to come and try some shoe's on, only needed 30 min of her time and she's back home at the moment, which is around the corner from me.... "I can't my boyfriend is here this week" She can't spare 30 mins just to try some shoes on.. which are on special offer to the end of the week?! AHHHHHHHHH, i would of took her boyfriend too if they really can't be seperated. Again i warned her last weekend, i may need her to try them on.
I really feel that I can't relay on her any more... and that I should just say fine, I'd prefer you not be a bridesmaid if you can't make time! Am i being selfish? Should I give her more chances?
---Winter 2013 Bride ---
CommentAuthorb2bnicola
Do u think she'll def come to the wedding? Have u tried talking to her about this all? x
Happily Married! :) xxx
CommentAuthorElliekitty
edited
That's the problem, I'm worried she won't, and yes I have. She went off on one about how she had really important things to do etc, my H2B think's if she wasn't a bridesmaid she wouldn't come to the wedding anyway. It's a lot of money to waste on someone who I get the impression isn't really bothered, If I drop this bridesmaid, I can afford to treat the other two bridesmaid's who are brilliant :)
---Winter 2013 Bride ---
CommentAuthormadison_uk
personally I'd cut her loose she makes no effort to do anything you ask yet your going to pay for her to come to your wedding she should be great full to be asked to be a bridesmaid and show interest, its unfortunate that you've obviously gone separate ways in life but its all part of life, and I agree with your h2b that she probably wont even come to the wedding if shes not a bridesmaid though im thinking whether she will make some excuse why she cant come at all! Id send her a message or call round and ask her if she wants to be a bridesmaid? if she does then tell her to buy her own shoes seeing as she cant make time to look with you.
CommentAuthorb2bnicola
Send her a message asking her to come to see you as you need to talk about bridesmaid stuff urgently. Then if she doesn't show you'll know! If she does show at least then uv got the chance to sit down with her and chat about it all x
You should drop her now hun, i've had the same situation and i've let too much slide when i really should have dropped them. They have ruined special things for me and I will never get that back. Drop her hun and only have bridesmaids who care and are honoured to be chosen xxx
CommentAuthorkrissy905
i agree with the others i think its best to drop her now she doesn't seem interested and doesn't think your wedding is important enough to spend 30 mins trying in shoes for so what is the point shes not even going to stay to the whole thing as its her mums
CommentAuthordevondark
im in a simular situation myself, except i live in northern ireland and my best mate from my home town in yorkshire is meant to be my maid of honour as i am meant to be hers, we've always been close and would ring weekly then it became monthly and now its getting harder and harder to contact her. im in the planning stages as im over a yr away yet but wondering if its worth keeping her on. i'll txt her and ring her at organised times but i never get a reply, often its left just to ring out, i@ll msg her on facebook as i can quiet clearly see she is on but still no reply. I'm actually quite hurt by this, and finding it hard as it is with one bridesmaid here in NI one in essex and her in yorkshire. I dont suffer fools at all and starting to feel like she wants to back out, but she really does seemkeen on been MOH when i can finally get her to answer a phone.
that been said i would say to original post to sit her down, tell her the facts like there are certain duties she is meant to be there for, ie shopping trips and someone to generally stress out to. You could maybe forgive her when she so faraway as its not as easy to turn up to go anywhere with you, but while she just aropund the corner she still flakes out on you. ask her if its the money side of things she worried about, the responsiblity or is it more likely she just wants to be a guest at ur wedding. i cant see for a moment she wants to be part of ur wedding anymore and probably was swept up in the moment but is she already backed out of the hen do (buying leathers??? u have to be kidding, she can afford to do that but not be there or help organise ur hen do?? thats crazy!!) (anyway where was i...oh yes backing out of hen do) and ur bday i cant see this happening for u 2.
so im now gunna take my own advice, sit her down and discuss where i feel there seems to be a problem (however i know she'll blame her blackberry) and decide what to do from there.
if we cant depend on them now, how can we depend on them on the day!
met online 4 years ago
from that first chat i knew
i'll become mrs tombs
please feel free to call me Donna
CommentAuthorFuture mrs mac
I would drop her tbh but in a tackful way saying -
hey, your obvisiously really busy and I don't want to put anymore pressure on you to be a bridesmaid which involves a lot of time helping with the planning, helping moh plan the henny, coming to the henny, making time for dress/shoe shopping etc I also don't want you to feel like you have to miss your mums birthday!I feel bad that I've put you under this pressure and understand that its too much for you just now to be my bridesmaid. I hope this hasn't caused any problems in our friendship and I totally understand that at the minute you just have too many other commitments and I'm not upset at all. Thank you for agreeing to be bm but it is obvisiously too much for you and I look forward to seeing you at the wedding as a guest.
xx
CommentAuthorInDreamland
I would drop her hun. She is clearly not that interested in being your BM and sounds like to me she's actually not bothered about you getting married if she can't even make an effort for your hen or shoes! My BM (best mate) and MOH (sister) are so keen to be involved in everything and always want updates on things H2B and I have sorted out, that's the way it should be. I think you also sound like you want to drop her and just looking for reassurance from others that what you want to do is the right thing, like you say, you can then afford to treat your other 2 brilliant BM's. xx
Married the love of my life on Saturday 11th May 2013 xxx
Had our dream perfect honeymoon in Hawaii!
CommentAuthorXx Lou xX
I'd say sit her down & speak with her but then I'm going through the exact same & just don't no what to do anymore!! part of me doesn't want to sit them down as i don't want to ruin 2 life long friendships but i just feel like they don't care!! I'll explain the situation i'm in (i'll call them Bm A & Bm B) Anyways i'm having the bridesmaid dresses handmade & its obviously very important we get them all measured asap so fabric can be order etc anyways i gave all 4 of the bm's 6 weeks notice & weekly reminders ... well bm A didn't show i rang her & got "i'm hung over can't move had a well good night!!" we rearranged for a week later again she was a no show we have rearranged again but worried she won't show & i'm just wasting the lady's time! I messaged all 4 about ideas for my hen night & both bm a & b haven't replied neither one replied when i asked if they wanted to come wedding dress shopping just feel like i've made a HUGE mistake :( xxx
CommentAuthorFuture mrs mac
Lou - I would find someone else or sort it out (not that they deserve the chance) before you pay for the dresses xx
CommentAuthorGazza 122
Yep - sack her! simples...i had to sack one of mine for the same sort of reasons...it goes beyond just trying a dress and some shoes on dont it...its like she realy cant be bothered to help you or be there for you - so in that case....she dont deserve to be part of your special day xxxx
CommentAuthorElliekitty
Thank you ladies, I really appropriate your advice, I've spoken to one of my bridesmaids and she doesn't feel like she's part of our group and that it would make it awkward on the day of the wedding. x
---Winter 2013 Bride ---
CommentAuthorElliekitty
And thank you MrsMac! Going to use that :) x
---Winter 2013 Bride ---
CommentAuthorMrsA2B
I have found that weddings can bring out the worst in people.
I'd known my original MOH since I was 11 and she is also my sons godmother. She dropped out on me for certain reasons and now we no longer talk at all. I've blocked all contact from her as she turned very nasty and accused me of being selfish and self obsessed about MY wedding!
Unfortunately these things happen and instead of being happy for you, some people just become very jealous! I have now got bridesmaids who are totally there for me and are really enjoying planning my wedding with me - just as it should be. I hope you sort out this problem hun. But I would say if shes not making your wedding planning enjoyable then shes not worthy of being part of it
xx
Known each other all my life....
Can't wait til I am called your wife...
Roll on 13th October 2012 when I become Mrs Alford xx
CommentAuthorOfficially Mrs M
i agree with above i think you have given her enough chances just cut her out and treat your other two who can be bothered
8th September 2012 I married my best friend
1st September 2014 our little family grew by one
Women are made to be loved, not understood. - Oscar Wilde
CommentAuthorxbeckix88
edited
Wel this sounds familiar i too am in a similar position with one of my bms!
We used to be really close until she went to uni now i barely hear from her, even when shes back she cant be bothered to meet or turn up to anything i organise..there is alwaysss a excuse!
I have sent her a huge email explaining what a big day it is to me and she needs to buck up her ideas and get involved. She assured me she would and was all friendly for few weeks, looking into hen do ideas, texting me then bang it all stopped.
The latest one was she was meant to meet me on monday for my first dress fitting as i was going to try my dress on aswell, take some piccys see how it looked with veils and tiaras... this was arranged in april, told her was a deff yes im coming .... constantly text her to remind her she never replied... on the day i got a text saying shell try make it... stand around waiting for her she never showed up or even text me to let me know! ... and again next day i had some excuse involving work.
Wouldnt suprise me if on the day she turns aound and says "oh work have called me in today sory"
Shes also difficult to speak to as shes one of those people who never believe their in the wrong. Now i understand she had uni, worked when she was back and that but im working loads and i manage to make time to see my friends and family and juggle it all around work, driving lessons and things! She always has plently of time to go out on the town though.
My other bms are starting to question her now and why am i letting her act like this .... To be honest im starting to ask myself the same question!
Ive recently already dropped 1 of my bms and unfortually we now no longer have any contact.
She doesnt sound like much help and you dont want to let her drag you down its your big day! Id have a chat with her and explain how you feel and if she still doesnt care id ditch her.
CommentAuthorrachymoo
I would drop her tbh, sounds like she doesnt deserve to be bridesmaid, I think that wording that Future mrs mac has suggested is really good. Like you say, you can afford to treat the more deserving bridesmaids then :-)
CommentAuthorElliekitty
I've dropped her and she wasn't even bothered! Glad i did! x
---Winter 2013 Bride ---
CommentAuthorXbox widow
You've made the right decision, reading your post there is one thing screaming out with every line, she has no time for you. I dont mean to sound awful, just straightforward and truthful. This is not how a best friend treats you, she has time for everyone (her mum, boyfriend) but none for you so well done for cutting her loose.
CommentAuthorOfficially Mrs M
good choice and if she isn't really bothered then she wasn't worth bothering with
8th September 2012 I married my best friend
1st September 2014 our little family grew by one
Women are made to be loved, not understood. - Oscar Wilde
