Sorry ladies, this is REALLY long but I could do with a hand. Maybe from someone who has knowledge of the problem
BACK STORY
My friend has started to turn every aspect of conversations we have, to her new bf Sam. If I’m talking/messaging about something I’ve done or got or responding to her questions about how my OH is she tries to compete by saying silly things like “Yes but sam’s car is faster than yours” “sam is more responsible than your bf because we are buying a house before having kids” [when I became pregnant i was renting, i now have my own house] “sam is a better driver” “sam does that.” “I bet sam has a bigger **** than your oh” “Oh that’s like sam” “Oh sam is so protective of me”. Ladies it is REALLY bizarre as sam doesn’t appear to do confrontation and does not come across to me as the kind of person she paints him as and it makes me a little uncomfortable that he might be abusing her.

my hen was on saturday, my sister, my cousin, my best friend Amy and a mutual friend of me and Amy. we all agree to meet in town and my friend is whining about how sam said he will miss her and not know what to do with himself and that he is worried and won’t be able to sleep and wants to come along. I chuckle at her and tell her it’s one night and not to worry as he will probably be on his xbox. She spent the whole journey texting and reading all the messages out loud to people in the car. I decide to call her bluff because I don’t think he is the person she is fabricating so I tell her I can’t hear her very well over the music, can I have a look. She refuses and then tells me her phone has deleted all the messages. I start a singing game with the occupants of the car. Amy declines and carries on texting. We reach the apartment and begin to get ready and compliment each other, Amy sits in a corner texting sam. I offer to do her hair, she sits there texting while I do it. We get out the jokey hen stuff, you know, willy whistles and willy balloons ect. Amy refuses to wear one saying sam would be jealous. Seriously? Of a plastic ****? But that’s fine and I don’t persue it.

She asks where we will be going so she could tell sam but i refuse to give her a timescale because a) i don’t know and b) i don’t want to work to one. We do our only scheduled activity, cocktail making in a casino. Amy complains that sam would be jealous because the teacher was a man and that he was already upset enough that he couldn’t tag along. I roll my eyes because its pathetic. She doesn’t pay any attention and barely participates because she is busy texting.

Next we go on a club crawl. Everyone liked different music so i thought it would be fairest to do a little club for each taste and end the night at a club of my choosing. The first club wasn’t my kind of music but we all danced and had fun, except amy who sat in a corner texting. We went to a few different ones, and ended the night in rock city which is the kind of music me and amy love, but again she sat there texting and complaining that there were guys in the club and sam was worried. By now i was thinking oh whatever. Then she asked if sam could come to the club and come back to our apartment as that way he could drink and leave his car overnight. I said no, because i was sharing the room with amy and id have nowhere to sleep. She huffs and sits texting for hours while the rest of us dance away and make the most of the evening as we have spent about £100 each on entry to all the clubs alone. As well as another £20 for the cocktail class and £150 each for the apartment and food.
We all returned to the apartment and put a bit of music on, to play a few board games, amy goes into the bedroom and spends the night texting.

The next morning i don’t want to make a scene and ruin it for all so i don’t mention amys behaviour. Previously me and amy had agreed that the night before the wedding me and her would spend the night at the venue for a bit of pampering. She then announced over breakfast on Sunday that sam had booked himself into the venue for that night and is joining us. I let rip at her because first she had made my evening uncomfortable by sitting there looking miserable and texting all night. People kept asking me “whats up with your mate?, that I had been kind enough to her paying for her to come as I know she had no money due to just starting work from uni and now she was spoiling the night before my wedding too now. I’m livid actually, I love her dearly but I’m worried that sam is abusing her because the classic signs are there, behaving nicely when people are around, the deleting the messages, the constant texting, the jealousy over silly things, telling her he is only mad because he is worried/cares, and if anyone mention it to her i can guarantee she will start cutting herself off from everyone one by one. How do I help?

How well do you know this Sam ? are you able to speak to him with out Amy about or would this be unusual behaviour for you ?x

Thanks lala, I'm not suggesting it to anyone and I won't bring it up with her purely because it would destroy our friendship but I'm looking here just for a few opinions because if someone did happen to be hurting her and I missed the signs I would not be her friend so I'm really just looking for ways I can look out for her without being captain obvious. As it is I get on well with sam and I won't be treating him any differently than I do now because as you've said, I have no evidence.

I wonder if she might take offence if I get my OH to ask Sam to join he and his friends for a drink and games evening the evening before instead of doing boring girly stuff with us.

I don't want him to be what I'm dreading because it's high time she had someone who stuck with her and didn't cheat on her with the first bit of flesh to pass his eye.

I just don't know if she is just embellishing the truth about him to make her feel good because the last 4 guys have damaged her so badly, or if he is genuinely this demanding of her time and prescence :(

well i hope he's a good one and you're friend is just over reacting with the relationship (it's happens a lot)

Dunno about the rest of it, but I'd tell her if he is staying at the venue the night before, which annoyingly, you can't stop, you can however say he is having noting to do with your plans for the evening or the morning, it's your wedding, whats the point in him being there, being a distraction? Absolutely put your foot down on that one.

Without knowing what goes on behind closed doors, you won't really know what's going on with their relationship though. Has she been with him long? Does she have form for going abit obsessive over past boyfriends? Does he come across as the jealous type...? i think its a bit weird some of the things she's said tbh, I was with someone that was a controlling jealous idiot, but I never once said to anyone, Oh he won't let me go out, or he's jealous of the fact that theres other males there, or questioning me if im having an affair if im late home from work. I kept it all to myself. She seems to be going for attention, and I think you can't decide whether she's trying to let everyone know somethings up, or shes just going abit crazy and painting a certain picture of a bloke that's not living up to what she's fantasised about.

I was in a similar relationship to MelN and this is exactly what would have happened with me too. To me it sounds like your friend is bored in her relationship and is trying to add some drama to it. If she was being abused, she would never talk like she did, and if she did want someone to know, it would be on a one to one basis and would take a lot of time for her to finally get it out, not on a hen do when others were there too. To me, it sounds like she wanted attention xxx

I also agree with MelN although there's no way to be sure. He sounds like one of those possessive dominant easily jealous types that manipulate you into thinking he's a great guy just insecure when really it's just all part of his ways to control you. I would tell her his issues aren't your problem then and there is no way you're letting him be involved in your days with the girls.

On a slightly different note, why do people feel that owning a house makes them superior to those who rent? Long as you have a stable home for your family why does it matter if you rent it or own it? Urgh some people.

id try n talk 2 her n explain ur worried about the change in her.n wud defo see if he wud go out wi ur h2b instead of a girly night shes not really been fair on u wi that.is she any different wen hes there x

All you can do is try not to be too frustrated and be there if she needs you, whilst keeping an objective eye on how the situation is developing.

If she has had some bad relationships in the past she may be wanting to prove to everyone how much he loves her, and doesn't realise she's making him sound like a psycho!! It does sound like she's telling porkies about the texts he was sending her though, so maybe he was saying nothing of the sort, perhaps just general chit chat?

I would try to get to know him a bit better, so maybe you can maybe get a better gauge on his intentions.

In my experience, both with friends and myself, if you have a controlling boyfriend you go out of the way to cover up for this. It sounds like she's just head over heels loved up and being silly.

Xx

Id just tell her straight that hes not welcome the night before as you had arranged this previous, he sounds like hes very possesive and wants to know where she is every minute of the day seriously im surprised he didnt turn up at your apartment on your hen! why would she be deleting the messages? also sounds like hes filling her head with rubbish i feel sorry for her maybe she feels she needs to stay with him otherwise he wont leave her alone x