Wedding Forum - My future sis in-law is causing drama! am i...

sorry if this drags on a bit.......

before myself and the OH got engaged we always knew what kind of wedding we wanted and that included no children at the wedding unless they had to be (like his dad has 3 daughters 3, 7 and 9 and i always knew i wanted them as flower girls)
and we weren't going to have a page boy either as we wanted minimal amount of children up the front and lower the risk of any noise as we are having it filmed.

so we knew that if anybody had to bring younger children then they would sit out the ceremony and come to the reception or we would have a close family friend of mine outside the church 'babysitting as such' playing with the kids until its over so no family members had to miss out on the vows as such.

and my future Sister in-law has a son who is nearly 2 she's a single mum and iv gotta say she has no control over him one bit and doesn't seem to care when he's running around and being naughty and if anything is said she throws a hissy fit saying she's not a bad mum etc but she lives 7 hrs away so has to bring him!

so when me and the OH got engaged in spain we started ringing my family and his family etc to tell them the good news and when it came to us ringing his sister (who's 25 by the way) we told her the good news and she immediately said 'oh matty will look so cute in his page boy outfit' which annoyed me that she just assumed he was the page boy! so my OH stopped her in her tracks and politely said that we weren't having a page boy so she said "well whats he then in the wedding" which started annoying me because it was our special moment that she was throwing demands on when we had only just got engaged!!

so after we got back my OH went home to visit his mum and sister and she probed him again and he explained to her that we didn't want any noise during the service so she could wait outside with matty or my bothers wifes sister can look after matty outside the church along with my niece (bearing in mind she's a very popular solicitor so she's not rif raf looking after the children!) she didn't say anything to my OH.

so anyway a couple of weeks ago she sent me a private message saying she wasn't happy about the decisions that have been made and that weddings are about kids making noise and having fun and we are being too strict and she's pissed off that her step sisters are flower girls and she's not even a bridesmaid blah blah blah and the vows are the only important part of the wedding and we are making her miss them.
I explained about my brothers wifes sister can look after him outside and she immediately said she wasn't having a stranger with her son and if he's not with her he will scream (so if he was a page boy up the front on his own he would be surely screaming because she wouldn't up the front with him) so i compromised with her and said she can be in the church with him but she has to sit at the back so if he makes a peep of a sound she can leave with him quickly......well she still isn't happy about this one bit and is now saying why should she have to sit at the back and thats degrading! etc etc

even my best friend of 10 years is leaving her son at home on the big day and he's my godson because she's respecting our wishes with no moaning at all.

so now iv sent her a few messages over the past few weeks about xmas stuff etc and she is just ignoring me...my OH said if she carrys on disrespecting me then she's not invited-which is extreme and would be the worst case scenario!

but i don't think I'm being unfair iv said he's fine at the reception we just don't want noise during the service!

any thought on how i tackle this guys?? am i being unreasonable?

xx

We aren't having any children at all at our wedding so I do see your point but to be honest with the wedding almost a year away I would just drop it for now. Its quite early to be thinking about all these things. I can see why she is upset because she is a parent and she obviously feels like her son is being singled out and she isn't going to be sitting with her family, I think most people would feel like that. She knows the score now so if she mentions it just say that you have made your decision and you don't want to discuss it any more. Just let her calm down and if she wants to ignore you then just let her get on with it. In my opinion uninviting close family members should only be used in extreme cases as a last resort.

I have three children under three and I recently sat at the back of my best friend's wedding just incase any of the children misbehaved. They didn't have the ceremony videoed and she never asked me to sit at the back but the vows are the most important part and I didn't want any of my children making a noise and stealing the moment from the bride and groom. It's just common courtesy really. You've already backed down to her enough I think. She should be pleased that you've made an exception for her, politely remind her of that and if she keeps ignoring you or being a nuisance then let your h2b un-invite her. You should enjoy your day not worry about your sil's child making a noise. x

She was certainly being a bit presumptuous assuming that he would have a role to play, although given that you have no page boy at all it's fair enough. It would be more understandable if there was a page boy. I can see her being disappointed that her younger step-sisters are involved and she isn't; I made my mum's 18 year old goddaughter bridesmaid for that very reason, I wanted her little sister as flower girl and I knew if I was in her shoes I'd be miffed if little sister was picked and I wasn't. However she has no right to assume that she would be a bridesmaid, it's obvious you're only having the young ones. Maybe you can appease her with another role, like female usher or signing the register. I can understand her reluctance to leave her son with someone she doesn't know, but it's not unreasonable to ask her to take the boy out if he is noisy. We did have children at our wedding as we both love kids, and there was a toy corner to keep them occupied, but we knew the parents would keep them quiet and under control. It's certainly not about children running around. Plus at less than two he won't have a clue what is going on, and is probably too young to be reliable in any role. My husband's nephew was almost two at our wedding, and was mostly fine but threw a paddy during the photos. It was all just too overwhelming for him, and it was a very long day, and very confusing for a child that is too young to have any concept of what is happening. My matron of honour didn't bring her two year old son or baby daughter, and the best man left his son with a grandparent as he felt he was too young. If she wants to sit in and watch the vows she could leave her son with a friend, and collect him later for the reception. He wouldn't know he was missing anything, and he'd be really bored in church.

as she is traveling so far to come she will obv be staying some where overnight , could she bring a friend to watch the little boy while she is at the ceremony etc and also they are there to take him if he gets tired ( he will )

We had the same rule with exception of family (very few children). Everyone respected that. The ones who did bring babies ensured they could leave the church easily if they started crying. One did as at the end of the ceremony we found one of hubby's friends outside with his 3 month old baby. Very respectful.

Sounds like his sister needs to grow up and recognise this wedding is not about her. Maybe a touch jealous?

Oh and we only had my 3 girls at my wedding and everyone respected that, in fact we didn't have any grumbles so maybe that says something about her too?x

I wouldn't leave my children with a stranger either, nor would I travel all that way without them. I think I would also be a bit miffed if my sister had my other sister as bridesmaid, but not me. I would find that quite upsetting, particularly if she asked me to sit at the back or stay outside if I'm honest.

I am not saying what you have decided is wrong, it's yours and your h2b's wedding and you should do what suits the two of you, not everyone else, but I do think you will have to accept that it's a possibility that those not included in the same way are going to feel hurt. Just trying to give you another angle to look at it from. I do understand where she is coming from.

hi carrieD26... because his stepsisters are just little girls we thought it would be lovely to have them just throw some petals on the way up to the aisle and his sister is 25 so she is an adult and we both presumed she would just kinda understand why they were flower girls, iv only met his sister twice in the 3 years iv been with my OH and thats always us driving the 7hrs to see her she's never once bothered her arse to come to us whereas my OHs dad and wife with the 3 daughters live over 11 hours away and have been down 4 times to see us, the 3 little girls draw me pictures and make me loom bands etc and his sister who is meant to be a 25yr old adult has never once bothered with her half sisters once she hasn't seen them in years infact she hasn't even met her younger sister who is now nearly 3 years old and thats not the want of trying from her dad and step mum- just a little insight to what she's like lol
and if it rains our venue is across the road from the church like a stone throw away so they can go straight to the reception and start on the canapés lol
and iv never once hinted that she should leave her son back at home that would be appalling all we asked for was no children during the service and the ones who have to come are more then welcome at the reception.

xx

On the video for our wedding, all you can hear at one point is Hubby's niece making a din - she was just short of turning three and his sister had no intention of controlling her and asking her to sit quietly. At one point they took her to the back of the (small) ceremony room as she was demanding to look around (which is exactly why I asked his sister to take the tot in there before the ceremony so she could see it all - perhaps they could've done if they hasn't have turned up late!) and made even more noise! A non-family member had a small baby making a din but never bothered to take him out either. It was the exact same for the speeches later on.
People not removing noisy children from a wedding is rude and disrespectful in my view and shouldn't even have to be told! I always thought it was common courtesy.

Bit as for not asking an adult to be BM I think you're not unreasonable - asking a 7 yr old but not a 9 yr old for example is one thing, but surely an adult should know better than to just "expect"!

But then again, it was his sister that said, as we announced the date, "oh, me and (little girl) will be your bridesmaids!" - not even considering that I only had the budget for one adult bridesmaid: I was going to ask my best friend. Cut back on costs elsewhere to be able to afford to have them both as bridesmaids because she insisted and boy, was she a pain!

I hope I haven't upset you, I obviously don't know the woman, I was just trying to give you a different perspective on the whole situation.

I go back to my suggestion above

other than that ...SLAP HER

I have the biggest B of a SIL to be - she has tried splitting me and h2b up, she tried having our son taken off us just to spite me and tried getting me sacked. Just to name a few. I've just had to ask her to be a BM with h2b's middle sister and my MOH. Was originally supposed to just be me, h2b, MOH and Best Man and no one else at the top.

She assumed her daughter was going to be a flower girl because she had decided when she got engaged (no sign of plans or a date yet mind) that our son was going to be page boy without asking us or mentioning anything about it! Soon after that long story short those 2 are at the front to "proove" there are no hard feelings between me and the 2 faced ......

We personally want children at the wedding, on the day our two kids are going to be 3 yrs old and 16 months old and we are really family orrientated when it comes to the kids so the thought of not having them is unbearable to us BUT I know where you're coming from, we've allowed ipads etc on the proviso they are either used with headsets or muted to overcome the kids kicking off in the ceremony and through the speeches bit which IMO we shouldn't have to do but on the flip side we also know that the type of people on both sides will say "well your son kicked off, you stopped the wedding, calmed him down then resumed so what's the big deal with my 9 year old kicking off and staying in the room".

You haven't got anything people can use as "precident" against you so yeah if I was in your position I'd be sticking to my guns and saying "look there is someone willing to look after them, the reception is across the road if you want your own friend to look after them, or I have already backed down and said fine he can come in but if he starts to make a fuss I want you to take him straight out" your day, not hers, if she doesn't like it she can do it differently on her wedding day.

I'll be honest though. Even if my SIL2b was back to her old tricks I wouldn't uninvite her for the sole reason - bride will get blamed no matter what h2b says/does and no matter if the bride knew or not and trust me that is a nasty side of the fence you do not want to be on. I was blamed for h2b not talking to his sister for ages and when he did apparently ripping her apart for what she'd said/done to me, despite as far as I was aware they were talking and h2b had taken his sister's side?!

Good luck xxx

Bride2b, you didn't at all, but reading my comments back I just thought it could be taken that I was totally siding with your SIL and I really wasn't.

All these horror stories are really frightening!

The only people I can see causing any issues at our wedding are Marc's mums side of the family, but they literally do not talk anymore, because she is so full of her own importance and uses her money to manipulate people. They had only been talking again for 6 months after years of not talking and she barged into my home and started shouting at me, infront of my children about how she didn't like how her son spoke to her (because she had demanded something to be done that day and we were busy) I stood face to face with her and explained that I was absolutely no responsible for her relationship with her son, nor did I control his behaviour and that there was absolutely no need for us to fall out until she had bounded uninvited into my house, upsetting my children and told her to leave.

Only other thing is his brother has always sided with his mum and doesn't speak to their dad! But hopefully just keeping them apart as much as poss, they will be civil for Marc's sake!

The drama of families!!

Ha I think after the piccys are done I'm just going to merrily jump about about on my bouncy castle eat loads of cake and drink too much! Ha no drama for me..

I've allowed for a whole layer to myself after depriving myself of cake until the wedding day!

I had to walk past patisserie Valerie today without getting my usual Black Forest gateaux :cry: