Wedding Forum - My brother...

Okay, I'll try and keep it short and sweet but its long :(

My brother. When we grew up we were very close, there were 5 of us that lived in this little row of houses and we spent every day toegther (one passed away yesterday). He was my number 1, my best mate. Sadly as he got older, he turned into a little sh*it. I went off to uni and he just stumbled through life. He then had Chloe, then married her mum (who he didnt love). they had a bad relationship and then they had Bradley. At this point he is a raging alcoholic, on every drug going and had manic depression. I stuck by him, but we lived far apart. She left him and eventually he got sent to prison.

Whilst in prison, everyone deserted him. I drove to see him every week, even made an extra 50 mile trip to pick up his friends. I sent him in clothes, money etc etc. he came out and said he'd turned over a new leaf. At this point its been about 5 years of hell, always drunk, always arrested, couldnt hold down a job, always fighting with my parents, my sister, stole from them. My parents still kept a roof over his head and did the best they good, despite the abuse he gave them.

So, he comes out and apparently turns over a new leaf. Meets a new girl who we'll call the "scraggy hoe". He seemed to do better so I made a real effort to get along with her. About 2 months later, she is pregnant. They rented a new house and everything was fine. She was very spoilt and started to hate his daughter as she was jealous of the attention she got!

Baby was born, 3 days later, me, him and the scraggy hoe have a massive falling out. At this point I am so sick of the way he used me (basically I would spend a weekend doing everything for him, and at the end when he didnt need a favour I'd be chucked out). I have barely spoken to him since then (18 months). in that time, he has carried on drinking, taking drugs. He has stopped seeing his other children because the mrs doesnt like them. He seems to hate my mum (despite the fact she will do anything for him) and really hurt her a lot. Me and my mum see his first 2 kids and he hurls abuse at us because we spend time wkith them and not the new one (the reason we dont know the new one is because we cannot sit in a room with my bro and his mrs). He has smashed up my sisters house twice in the last few months.

I started speaking to him as my nan was in hospital and he needed lifts there etc. My nan said that he would start being nice to me because the other two kids are involved in my wedding and the new one isnt. Oh and she was right. He is bugging me like mad asking what his son will be doing in my wedding (the one I've met, twice?). I said he could come to the wedding if he made it up with mum - he then texts her saying she is a small minded b*tch.

So do I invite him. Knowing that there is a good chance he will get drunk and row with my parents that him and the mrs will kick off because the other 2 kids are involved and the new one isnt and they will both kick off with his ex wife (who is coming as she is a good friend and her children are a BM and pageboy) or do I not invite my brother? He insists he is coming, with or without an invite. I love him and want him there. if I tell him no, he will promise me he will behave but his promises mean nothing once he's had a drink. Any bridges we are building will be burned if I dont.

I'd invite him, but lay down ground rules, let the best man/ushers know if he starts anythign, he's to get thrown out.

It's your day, yes you want him to be part of it but if he does not behave & respect you as his sister on your wedding day then it's his problem if he gets chucked out.

Personally I wouldn't invite anyone that was gonna ruin your day - we have a few of our mates who tend to kick off when had a few.

The way I see it is, it's your wedding day, if your close friends and family can't get along for one day, a very special day to you and your bloke they aren't worth having there.

Sounds harsh I know but I don't see why anyone shuld spoil your wedding day coz of their own issues.

My Friends brother is just like that, it sounded like you was writting about him they so simular & against everyones wishes i did invite him to my wedding (first one) tho it was only to the evening do, i had so many people telling me he would turn up drunk n on drugs and ruin my evening.....he didnt, he was sober he made a effort to look decent & my friend was so shocked at how well behaved he was (even tho she hid from him all night haha) so if in your heart you want him there and think he will behave then yes invite, if he kicks off then hes the one that has to live with the shame of it. xx

Id say to him you will get an invite only if you will agree to only drinking at the toasts to the happy couple and for the welcome drink at the reception, if he drinks more hes out and sent home, as if he has a problem with alcohol that would make things worse no matter how much he promises to behave if he drinks loads at your wedding. Also if he causes any trouble at the wedding by shouting or upsetting the ex mrs or upsetting you then hes out too. Also get him to agree this with witnesses so that others know he agreed and its not an empty promise. If he says no to agreeing to these rules then say hes not welcome as these are the conditions. x

Im in tears reading this as its like reading a story about my brother. I really and totally understand what your going through. I am having my brother at my wedding as he has been alot better since we learned of my mums illness, but if he was still behaving the way he was before, im not sure i would of had him there. Its a tough one but i totally know how u feel.

To be honest, I'd not invite him, only because he said he is coming whether he's invited or not.
And the fact that he spoke to your mum like that. He'll just cause trouble and ruin it for you.
I sincerely hope he doesn't, if you do decide to have him there!
xx

Oh quick update. Just spoke to mum and my brother phoned the house in the middle of the night, totally out of his head. Going on about how the whole family hates him and we have done this to him, he is all alone and has no one and he hates us all.
(for those that dont know, our oldest friend - someone we called a brother suddenly died yesterday).

I understand he is upset, but he just goes back to the bottle every time. Im pretty annoyed he called in the middle of the night. My nan just got out of hospital and my grandad is very old and ill, so my mum lives with them because they cant care for themselves, so he woke them up and upset them too!!

easy for me to say when it's not my brother but i think i wouldn't invite him, from the sounds of things it will just add to your stress, something you don't need! you don't need the worry of wondering will he turn upo drunk, who he'll fight with, his current mrs fighting with ex, i think there are too many possibilities of things going wrong! but it is your day so you have to make a decision that you and your h2b are happy with. has he said anything about what he'd like??

i have to say hun .......i wouldnt invite him ....i can understand people saying lay down ground rules but they are difficult to see at the bottem of a glass!!
why should you spend your day worrying about what he is doing or what it might do
NO WAY

jenni i`m with you all the way .......a relationship be it blod or not is a 2 way thing ......seems like it has been his way or no way , well he has burnt his bridges now

I am really sorry you are having these problems, have you got time to see how he behaves between now and the wedding and before you have to give in numbers for the caterer. Remember its your day and you must do what makes you happy xx

sounds like my cousin, who used to phone my other aunt at 2 in the morning whenever he was **** and threaten to do all sorts to her!
needless to say he's not coming to my wedding.
do what we do to the kids at school - give him 5 chances, if he screws them up he's out. let him know what's at stake - though it does sound like you've been through this already. buut you have to be firm and decide on the outcome yourself. that way you wont feel guilty when you (inevitable) have to strike him from the guest list. warn your ushers that he will likely show and if they are sound blokes, they will get rid of him without you even realising he was there.
but the chance has to be his - i know you have given him too many chances already - but you seem like the gal who will always give him another go.
i would also say that he is invited, but his mrs isnt. because you cant trust her not to make the day about her. make your stand - your nephew is welcome, as a guest not as a member of the party but she isnt. chances are that will make things worse, with your brother as he probably wont like it, but from what you've told me i think thats what you are worried about as much as whether to invite him or not - you dont want her there at all.
its your wedding hun and like you said your family will stand by you - as they should, as for burning bridges once and for all - my brother and i didnt talk to each otherr for 3 years but we worked it out :)
xx
good luck and hun yeah, you have too much else to be worrying about your name should be Our Little Warrior!

Awww wmate. Im so sorry you are having all this shite.

Personally - i would not invite him. If he has a serious history of alcohol problems you can guarantee he'll have a few at the wedding and start on someone - i wouldnt invite him, because its YOUR day and i'll show my aRse in Harrods window if he behaved!

You will be on tenterhooks all day and that is not fair.
I think you've done enough for him. He is big enough and ugly enough to act like a grown up and take responsibility for his own actions - and if he's that immature he has to play the "everyone hates me, poor me" card every time something doesnt go his way, then i would be banning him.

Hugs honey x x

I had palpitations reading this as so much of it could relate to my sister and then reading the replies about other people on here and their family members it reminded of them. To me it's the helplessness of the situation that I can't deal with. In my case I can't do an invite with a false date as we come from a small place and my sister's daughter is one of my bridesmaids. I just worry that she will come and make a scene in front of people who don't know her who have gone to the Isle of Man from England to the wedding.

Anyway, what I am doing in my case is to try and make her feel a part of the wedding - all I've thought about so far is asking her to organise the hen night - I'm not bothered how that turns out - a few drinks will do for me. Then she's mother of one of the bridesmaids and I'm getting her flowers to wear on the day to make her feel part of the wedding party. All seems very small gestures but I'm desparate to stop her getting very drunk on the day. I even thought about hiring a bouncer to stop her coming to the wedding reception.

What has your brother ever done for you? Xx