I have a huge issue in the fact I absolutely can not stand my mum's best friend who also works for her as her carer and my mum is trying to make me invite her to the wedding.

This woman is a user, she is 4 years older than me and this is where my dislike stems from:

- She regularly destroys my things e.g. decided to iron 5 of my work shirts despite the fact she is never meant to touch my things destroying them by ironing out the line pleats in one, burning three and melting completely all the buttons on my favorite, yet can iron my mum's clothes just fine.
- She steal my books and blames her daughter who never comes round to our house and they are the sort of books she reads not her 13 year old daughter.
- She is very rude to myself, my fiance, my brother, the other carers and pretty much everyone else (unless she wants something) and complains about everyone behind their backs to my mum.
- She has my mum believing her best, my honest, sweet carer is stealing from her when she is most definitely not, one of the things that went missing has even been spotted in my mum's friends garden as she moved into the house behind us to be closer to my mum (slightly creepy really).
- She has my mum calling her two daughter grandchildren and she spends more on them than my brothers children and treats them better despite the fact the girls have their own grandparents who adore them.
- My mum pays for meals for her and buys her expensive presents all the time (at Christmas she bought her some £90 boots as well as other pressies, she gave my brother & myself £50 plus a few bits and gave the other carers each a bottle of cheap wine).
- My brother can not stand to be in the same room as her as we all believe she is using my mum and makes my mum paranoid that everyone is sneaking around behind her back.

Pretty much this woman is almost ruining mine & my brothers relationship with our mum, but well I try just to ignore her, something my brother can not manage as he does not have to live with it as I am one my mum's night time care (well at least for the next few months until she goes into sheltered accommodation).

Now I can not stand to have her at my wedding as it will make all of us affected (the other carers, myself, my fiance, brother, his girlfriend and his kids|) all very uncomfortable and annoyed, but my mum keeps trying to emotionally blackmail me into letting her come to the wedding, its like she thinks I am the weak link and its really upsetting me as I told her from the start the her friend could not come.

I know it is sort of unfair as the friend will be the only carer not coming but all the other carers (there are 4, not inc the 1 who quit recently because of my mum's friend who I am inviting because she is also a good friend now) and I know she may then cause problems for my mum and the other carers because of this, but I don't want her there.

Should I give in, am I being unreasonable?

if she is touching your stuff and by doing so destroying it
stealing
manipulating your mother

i would be reporting her

And I nearly said what lala said about reporting her...if she works for a company they have procedures x

oh thank goodness people agree, the way my mum gets she make me feel like I am being unfair

My mum is on some sort of scheme where she gets funding to hire her own carers, though I would report her to social services but I am scared that it will pretty much destroy my relationship with my mum, which well is rocky at the moment just because of this dispute

if this "carer" ( i use the term loosely as she doesnt seem to care much) sees you relationship with your mother then she is exploiting that so she can get her own way .... call the company ...call social services ... a relationship can be repaired, how would you mum feels if when this all comes out if she knew that you knew what was going on and did nothing ?

I have spoken to my mum about it on a number of occasions all she says is her friend cares about her and she does not get it that this is only because she pays her.

My mum is a christian and she has even stopped going to church as her friends there do not like her friend who also use to go to the church as well.

As my mum is quite smart I think if I did report it she would just managed to talk them into believing her friend is doing nothing wrong as they sort of knew each other at church before becoming her carer so it can be seen as gift for a friend rather than a carer.

I believe though when my mum goes into sheltered accommodation soon as it will be monitored more by social services they will notice all of this and also I think there will be problems as my mum has put the carer as next of kin (I am as well but she has told them to call her friend in case of problems after she moves) and this does not bother me as the carer does not understand what this will mean lol, they will literally call her every time another carer calls in sick to cover (which I do at the moment), on my mum's regular trips for hospital appointments she will be called to accompany her and if a carer is not meds trained she will have to come and give my mum her meds, oh I do love that bit, I think she will come to regret her behaviour very quickly

Don't leave it! I work in a care environment and this is so wrong! She should not be taking things from your mum and you (whether they are a gift or not!) and your mum should not be as dependent on her as she seems to be. This is extremely bad practice and I just want to point out that you are only talking about the things you know about here! For all you know she could be going down to the bank and getting money out and pocketing it, or getting your mum to buy her a lot more than you know about. In the long run it is much better for your mum to you to report this woman as soon as you can! Also, even though your mum has put her down as next of kin, she can ask for this to be reversed in which case she wont have to do anything when your mum is in supported living. Your mum will thank you for it one day hun, its hard to see a situation when you are in it, but when taken out of it you can look at it from an outsiders point of view and realise just what was happening. Don't leave it and allow it to get even worse, act on it now xxx

Definitely report this woman somewhere ! As LK said, calls to Social can be anon.. Tell them that your mum will try and tell them this woman is doing nothing wrong etc.. xxx

I think that you should alert social services, the stealing should be the least of your worries the fact that she is manipulating your mum's opinions is very concerning. As you said you think that your mum will talk the social services round to protect the carer, that is the chance you take, hopefully the case will be assigned to someone with half a brain that can see through the manipulation that is going on, if not go back and restate your case until it is investigated properly.

As for the wedding invite I think it would be best for your mum if you allow the carer to attend, as she is so enthralled by her at the moment it will upset her if the carer is banned. You only have 2 months so I would say invite her in theory and hope that SS can resolve the problems before the wedding and then she can be uninvited without additional distress to your mum, if that makes sense? xxx

Im going to go against the majority here and agree with Elizabeth.

I think you should invite her. If your mum believes so strongly she should be there, it sounds likely your mum may not attend/it may cause trouble for you if you dont invite her and thats the last thing you need/want on your wedding day between you and your mum.

Sadly, although a wedding is about the bride and groom, there are also other factors to consider where sometimes you have to do something you do not want to - ie have someone attend you cant stand to pacify someone else, arrange the seating plan a certain way so attendees who hate one another are far apart etc.

I would invite her to the wedding to pacify your mum and just make sure you stay well away from her on the day.

I would also be asking to view her CRB checks - Anyone working in a care capacity should have one and it should perhaps also be POVA checked too (protection of vulnerable adults). I would also be enquiring where your mum found this lady - If it is through any type of agency I would be raising the issues such as stealing etc with them but also the potential emotional abuse your mum may be suffering - I dont mean she is abusing her but that she is making your mum think she cannot be without her, her children etc etc and that is mental abuse.

I would also suggest you speak in confidence to your mums other carers about your concerns and ask that they inform you of anything else.

if you speak with social services state that you wish to remain anonymous (even if you do say its your mum & her carer - if you state you do not want your mum to know it was you they have to keep that information anonymous). Also y inviting the carer, when social services start the investigation and keep the information regarding who the tip came from, it will not look as much like the tip came from you and this may help not to upset the relationship with your mum

Definitely report her hun, I have to agree. You can remain annonymous when you report her, but it definitely needs sorting!! If it isn't sorted it could get progressively worse

xxx

Could I just ask u some questions hun?

I am a manager at a care company and this is quite worrying.

Is this woman employed by a company? If so she should be only carrying out tasks for your mum that is stated on a careplan (ie in writing). Anything more than what is wrote down should not be allowed and you are well within your rights to bring this up with her employer.

Also, your worries about stealing etc again if she is employed you need to take this directly to her employer as it would be classed as a safeguarding issue.

If she is not employed you can still raise a safeguarding issue against her, this would be done via your local authority and/or cqc.

Hope this helps!

If you need anymore info please contact me :) x

I would seriously consider the cameras hun this way you can catch her in the act of stealing or taking stuff then you will have the proof to present to the police and hopefully get rid of her x