Hi all. Need a little bit of advice. Without going into too much detail after the death of my future father in law when my groom was 15 there has been a huge amount of friction between both sides of his family. So much so that my mother in law moved and cut all ties with that side and stopped my groom from contacting them.

However a few years ago he decided he needed to find out the truth surrounding his fathers death and why his family didn't see him anymore. He was welcomed by a loving family who were overjoyed that he found them again and although they were hurt by his mothers actions they have always said that there is no bad feeling towards his mother and she greived how she had to greive.

We never told his mum we had contact at first as we didn't want to upset her but we told her a few months before we set the date for the wedding. She tried to dictate who could and couldn't come to the wedding at first but once my groom sat her down and explained how he felt about it she softened and we agreed to keep both sides at a distance on the day.

We had our hen night and Stag this weekend. His mother, her partner and his Aunt and Uncle from his fathers side were invited. We were terrified something would kick off but were amazed to find that they were sat together laughing and joking the whole evening. It was lovely to see.

However as we headed into town and all 4 of them made their way home I received a text from my groom asking me what had happened at my hen party to upset his mum so much. I was totally at a loss, I couldn't understand it so I arranged for the hens and stags to meet at a particular nightclub to find out what he knew.

He had received a text from his mums partner telling him he needs to have more respect for his mum, who did he think he was blah blah blah. My groom was so angry and drunk that he wanted to go round and "sort it out" as men do so we cut the celebrations short and I made him come back to my friends where I was staying and told him we would find out in the morning.

He called his mum in the morning to find out what had happened and was told he had done nothing at all and not to worry about it. Apparently His uncle and her partner and been as thick as theives all night and there had been words said towards the end of the night. Shes decided she is going to come and explain to my groom this weekend what his father was like and tell her side of the story to their relationship and then told him she will come and see us get married but will not be staying after the photos are taken.

He is absolutely devistated. We called his uncle who was sober at the Stag to find out what he had said. He is an honest man and told us that his mums partner started asking questions so he said "We do not have any bad feeling towards her, she dealt with it how she dealt with it. We have got on fab tonight and I am really glad we cleared the air before the big day. Its nice to be able to speak again and I hear that *Aunty* really had fun and had a lovely evening with her tonight too" His Mums partner went on to say he didnt know the full story behind the conflict all he knew was that she burned every photo, and got rid of everything that reminded her of her old life and tried to pry out more info about it. His uncle just said "Only she knows why she did it but I do disagree with how she did that part *groom* hasn't got any childhood photos to look back on and thats not fair, it wasn't his fault his dad wasn't a nice person.

She has asked that I be there when she tells him about his dad and I know she is going to try and make us choose sides. My feelings on the whole thing is dispite the fact his father may have not been whiter than white, his side have always been honest about that and have always said they do not blame her for anything at all. I cannot see why a grown woman cannot bite her lip and get on with it for one day out of her sons life. She shouldn't punish him or his fathers side of the family for something they never had anything to do with and if she doesn't stay for the celebrations then I feel like she doesn't care about his feelings. The day isn't about her or the past, its about the future, our future and anyone that wants to start that off as unhappy doesn't deserve to be there at all. Her partner could of held off telling us until the morning after the stag and hen night and they ruined a happy memory we should of had and I point blank refuse to let them ruin our wedding.

I just need an outsiders opinion on this. Am I out of order for having an all day or not at all approach to this or do I let her do what she wants.

I realise I wrote "without going into too much detail" and then wrote an essay! lmao xxx

oh hun im sorry!! you both shouldnt have to deal with all of this xx i dont really have any advice but i hope you manage to sort it all out before your day xx if it was me id say that id make her come to all or nothing but at the end of the day would probably let her have her own way because i dont like arguments. what does your oh think about it all?? xxx

good luck though hunni xxx

in all honesty the days meant to be about the 2 of you and it sounds like shes trying to get attention,you could try talking to her,setting her straight,but i dont think its going to work,if shes made her mind up id leave her to stew and make sure you enjoy the rest of your planning

Gah, families, eh?!? Sorry you're having these issues hun. My dad died when I was 18 and my parents divorced when I was 11. Had he not died, then I would be in a similar position to your family now, I think.
Only in the last couple of years has my mum opened up to me as to why she reacts the way she does whenever I mention my dad. Without going into the details, it was a very abusive relationship which has left my mum with long term emotional scars that I doubt will ever heal for her. No one else in the whole world apart from my therapist knows the details and so my mum is blamed for quite a lot of things that she really shouldn't be - to the outside world, ripping up all the photos of him was her way of dealing with her trauma. Yes, it now means that I only have 3 photo's of my dad (which my Godmother took on holidays when I was tiny), but I can empathise with her.
I haven't invited any of my Dad's family to the wedding. I'm not that close to them and they haven't been in my life for a number of years now. But I know if they were, then my mum would be terrified of seeing them again.
Obviously you and your H2B need to make your own decisions on this, but I do believe that if she wants to be there for just part of the day, then that has to be her decision. I think it's great that she's willing to be there for the ceremony and photos, so you'll have those memories. And you never know, she may come round when she hears how much it means to you both to have her there for the whole event. I hope everything works out for you hun, I truely do Hx

I agree with XjoX. You need to find out what she wants to tell you then you can make a firm decision.
xx

PS it might be and idea to say look we don't care about 'sides' 'versions' etc. All we care about is the here and now and getting married. It doesn't matter if his dad was a nasty person or not his family are not him. I think she feels she has to defend her actions and reasons as she is being judged. Maybe if he clears that side of things up it will work out.

Amazing Jo. I'm going to show him this when he comes home from work. Thank you xx

I can kind of relate to how he feels. When I was younger I had issues with my own 'mother'. She used to put me down all the time and generally be not nice. I used to think it was my fault and I blamed myself thinking I was not a nice person. My foster mother came back from a meeting one day fuming. It turned out that she had sat there blaming me for everything. When I was born I was ill with hooping cough. When I was two I was the devil blah blah blah. I was a baby, a child etc. It was at that point I realised that I wasn't to blame for everything and she was the adult in the relationship. For years I carried that burden around with me too. I'm sure you h2b will be feeling like he has to make things right etc when in reality it is them that need to make it up to him and even more so oh HIS wedding day.

One thing to have in your head if she starts is this.

This is your sons wedding.

It is about him - no one else

If you love your son you will put your hatred to one side grow a pair and do the right thing

This is about your son, not you or anyone else




Hope it goes well hunni xxxx

Thats really lovely news hunni - congratulations

lovely news! xxx

Aww I'm so pleased for you hun, it's sad that families all of a sudden think they're the most important person at a wedding as soon as you say you're engaged. Yes you want to suit everyone but that's just not possible. I'm glad she's taken the mature approach and realised the family arent like your h2b's dad x