FREE Wedding Table Planner

+ FREE Wedding Budget Planner and more wedding planning tools

Join now free to use

Wedding Forum - Mother in Law dilemma...

Not signed in (Sign In)
  1.  
    • LauraH813
      CommentAuthorLauraH813
      Posted: Apr 23rd 2016
     
    I have not seen or spoken to my MIL to be now for several weeks following an incident when my OH and I stayed with her and his Nan at a caravan for the weekend. My own Mum had suggested a few times that I invite MIL to my dress shopping appts as it would be a nice thing to do espec as she only has 2 sons. When I asked her early on the first day of the weekend if she would like to come to an appt I had the following weekend she didn't react at all. I thought she would be excited to come. She actually changed the subject to avoid answering and I had to ask her 10mins later if she would in fact be coming at which point she said "I'll be babysitting, I will come to the next appt." (OH brother has a young daughter.) Felt like she stalled to come up with an excuse. Her reaction left me deflated and wishing I hadn't asked.
    Later that evening completely out of nowhere she says "Will we be meeting all your family at the wedding?" I laughed as it was a daft question. When I said well yes ofcourse she said "Are they all like you?" Confused I was asked what she meant to which she replied "Posh!" Myself and OH laughed though I was a bit miffed. She has met my Mum and Dad on a couple of occasions and although brief I couldn't see why she had come to that conclusion. For the record my family and me are not posh. I swear like a sailor and we are just normal working class people. She then went on to mention several times that a long time previously my OH Grandad had encountered my Mum in the village where they both live. I wasn't sure what exactly she was getting at then she basically said my Mum 'ignored' him and his take on that was to say "She thinks her sh*t don't stink." MIL and Nan both laughed at this when telling me like I am going to find it funny?! Firstly I asked my Mum had she seen him that day to which she said she hadn't and there was no way she would blank him when I am marrying his Grandson and secondly he clearly made no effort to say hello to her either. He's a rude man anyway and he barely acknowledges me when we are in the same room.
    Basically I was furious that she felt the need to tell me this had been said about my own Mother. My Mum has been nothing but generous about her by encouraging me to get her more involved. Even suggesting both families get together before the wedding so everyone has a chance to get to know each other. All they have done it seems is make rude remarks and conclude that we are stuck up when they barely know my family.
    We left early the next morning with me barely speaking to her. She knew I was p*ssed off but she hasn't made any attempt to apologise. I am very protective of my Mum and anyone who says bad things about her is on shaky ground with me. Am I over reacting? I really don't want this to cause a rift but I do feel like I need to say something just so she knows she crossed the line. What would you do?
  2.  
    • StephanieM158
      CommentAuthorStephanieM158
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Apr 23rd 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Its a tough one.
    As it happens I have been through similar situations with my OH family but I was treated though I was "rough" and "common" .

    I met H2B when I was just turned 17 and he was 18 and in truth we were a little, shall we say, "rampant" when we first got together. Young and in love we'd use our spare time to see each other during college and working etc so I was often seen as taking him away from his family.
    I fell pregnant at 20, instead of the congratulations and happiness I was told to abort and he was told not to seeme anymore. Needless to say I gave them the finger and had DD. We moved in together and I was shunned from the family, my OH and I where happy to settle into family life despite how young we may have been it felt right.
    Anyway needless to say DD is now almost 10years and I have never had an apology for the way I was treated, I have always and will always continue to "act" a certain way around them.
    When DD was born they where more than happy to give me advice about parenting and air their views of my mothering skills but I didnt listen.
    Their daughter is a doctor, divorced and they bring up her kids as she drops them off at 7am and picks them up form theirs at 9pm. When their daughter got divorced they apologised to my h2b for the way they treated me.... but have never directly said it to me.

    Bonds have been formed but they've taken 12 years...but I'm not marrying his family I'm marrying him and he is happy to have me by his side for the rest of his life despite the difficulties we've been through together.
    My point is, so what? Let them think whatever they want about your family. You know exactly who they are and you're proud of them who cares what she thinks? She's being petty let her be petty.
    Its better to make them think that their son is marrying up than below them, trust me!

    if u want to talk or just have a good moan u can add me! :-)
    dont let her bring you down. xxx

    Members signature icon
    Met 2004
    Engaged 2014
    Getting Married 2016
  3.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Apr 23rd 2016
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    You're definitely not over-reacting, I would be miffed too. As far as I can see you have two choices. One is to confront the issue, maybe meet your MIL for a drink, potentially with your OH and/or your mum, and talk the issue out, explaining how hurtful their comments were. Otherwise you let it go, remembering as Stephanie says that it's only your OH that you're marrying, not his whole family, and as long as the two families are civil to each other it doesn't matter what his family think of you. They may well come to see the truth for themselves anyway.

    Members signature icon
    30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
    It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.

  4.  
    • Mrs Jones
      CommentAuthorMrs Jones
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Apr 23rd 2016
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    No, you're not over reacting at all. I would feel the same. Maybe she has insecurities of her own - ie she feels people are better than her. My mum often feels like that, even though nobody is better than her, but that's her own insecurity about herself. I'd either leave it and move on or speak to her. I didn't get off to the best start with my future MIL, but I took her to one side and explained things and asked to start again - probably a bit different in your case as sounds like you've been together a while.

    Members signature icon
    First Date 26 April 2014
    Proposed 27 June 2015
    Happily Married 18 June 2016
  5.  
    • LauraH813
      CommentAuthorLauraH813
      Posted: Apr 24th 2016
     
    Thank you for all your advice and support. Would you believe that yesterday MIL and Nan turned up unannounced on our doorstep? They popped round just to say hello after taking OH neice to the park because they "hadn't seen us for ages." In a way it was a good thing because the longer it went not seeing her the more awkward it was going to be. Obviously the topic of the wedding came up and she mentioned she had found her dress. Apparently it's white! Now I didn't react to this at all because personally I don't care what she wears. It was OH Nan that jumped in and said you can't wear white. I did say that I wouldn't want her standing next to me in photos because her white dress will make my ivory gown look dirty and Nan backed me up on that point. Honestly I can't work out whether she is plain ignorant or purposely trying to get a rise out of me. Maybe she thought announcing she was wearing white would send me into a flat spin. I really hope it's just thoughtlessness on her part but either way it seems like I might have more issues with her before the big day. I just hope none of them are major.
  6.  
    • FayeH
      CommentAuthorFayeH
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Apr 25th 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    It does sound like she's purposefully being a nightmare. I don't think I know anyone who thinks it's acceptable to throw around second hand insults about someone's family and laugh about it, I would be the same. How did she react when you said you wouldn't want photos with her?
  7.  
    • StephanieM158
      CommentAuthorStephanieM158
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Apr 25th 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Well done Nan!!!
    Maybe you should get OH involved, take her dress shopping or something??
    Sounds like shes jealous to me, dont take her bait and stay cool xx

    Members signature icon
    Met 2004
    Engaged 2014
    Getting Married 2016
  8.  
    • LauraH813
      CommentAuthorLauraH813
      Posted: Apr 25th 2016
     
    Faye - I don't think she cared about the photos. I think she is trying to be clever. Luckily we don't see her too often so I am going to keep her at arms length and tell her zero about the wedding from now on. Stephanie - OH Nan is lovely and she definitely did not pass on her common sense to her daughter haha x
  9.  
    • Myranny
      CommentAuthorMyranny
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Apr 26th 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    I was engaged before and had a future MIL and SIL that were exactly like that, but it never let up. Snide comments about me at every dinner - a long involved conversation in a restaurant about how I was the village bike (I was 19 and categorically NOT a bike) where it got so embarrassing future SIL's husband stepped in and told them to stop it... Which is why that did not continue. OH quite happily let the harpies rip me, and my family, to pieces.

    The best thing you can do is hold your head high really (which will probably make her call you posh all the more, but f**k her, eh?) and just ignore what she's trying to do. I think she's probably looking to get some sort of outburst or reaction, which is usually (in my experience) to then turn round to her son and say "Look how awful she is!!" or some such rubbish.

    Apparently my nan was also a bit like this to my mum, and my mum and dad have been married 30 years next year and she is very much OVER doing that so, it will stop eventually my mother says :) x
  10.  
    • FayeH
      CommentAuthorFayeH
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Apr 28th 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Oh dear. Yeah sounds like you have a good plan, just steer clear. With all the stress of wedding planning anyway there's no time for people trying to wind you up!!
 
Enter Now