Wedding Forum - MIL v's honeymoon gift list. GRRR!!! ...

My MIL was moaning about us not have a normal gift list, and having one where we ask for money for our honeymoon. So i sent her a link to our honeymoon gift list site, showing her that people can buy things like "champagne on arrival" "luxury champagne dinner for 2" etc etc. And this is the reply I got. Please can I have your opinions??
Sorry its long!!

"You asked me for an honest answer so I will give you one. I've talked to John about it and he is of a similar opinion but it is only our opinion and maybe you want to try sounding out a few of your relatives to test the water there? I can see the sense in a honeymoon list and I agree entirely with you with regards to not wanting people to waste money buying things that you already have and don't have room for, but I do still think people of my generation and older might not be up for it.

You mentioned in a text that it is very common nowadays, and maybe it is, but having been invited to 3 wedding dances last year and a wedding, none of them arrived with anything but an invitation to attend. Hxx and Pxx wedding party celebration invite arrived yesterday and it is just an invite to a party. Axx and Jxx invited us to their wedding last month. We couldn't go and I imagined a young couple, much like yourselves, would prefer cash more than anything else so we sent them a cheque. If Axx had enclosed a Honeymoon Gift List or a request for cash, particularlt because we were unable to go to the wedding, I would have found it quite off-putting and would likely have bought something a bit more personal for them to remember us by. I suppose what I am saying is that having had a look at your honeymoon gift list, I can see the sense in it and I am sure that your peer group, your friends would be up for it and will be quite happy to contribute to your honeymoon as that is the modern way.
For my own relatives, and John's, and our friends, I can't see it going down too well and I would be a bit worried that it might backfire. Folk might disregard what you are asking for which bluntly put is money ... and go and buy a gift.

However, if you don't put anything inside the invitation, I think that our friends/family will possibly contact John and myself and ask for suggestions and we can maybe say something like "I know ... it is really difficult ... they have everything for the flat at the moment. We are just giving them money to buy something special when they see it ... I think they have their eye on something but I am not sure what ... bla. bla .bla." With any luck, they might just say. "oh well, we'll just do the same". On the other hand if they said that they really wanted to buy you a gift, if you had a wedding present list set up in Debenhams or M&S, then we could say that if they really wanted to buy something then you did have a gift list.
For the future, are you not interested in a nice Denby dinner set for when you are "more mature" and can't get out partying due to lack of babysitters, and you have to stay in and invite your friends for dinner!!!??? If it was me, I could set up a wish list in Debenhams or M&S or Farm and Household in jig time! Not to mention that there is a £50 voucher available this weekend if you set up your gift list in Debenhams. Probably all you have to do is register this weekend and then you could take your time to go and select what you want on your list.

I know you can't please all of the people all of the time ... but there's no harm trying now and again!

So, those are our thoughts. Maybe you could consider, applying honeymoon gift list for those you think will appreciate it and just sending invites to the rest. By the time my generation dies off, no doubt it will be the norm!!
It's your decision, of course, but just a suggestion.

Lol Ohhh it was like listening to my MIL2B she doesnt not agree with our choice of asking for Honeymoon donations instead of presents. I think there is a point in that I would not like to recieve an invite which contained a request for money in, if we hadnt even accepted at that point. I find that quite presumptios, and some would find it quite rude. However you seem to be doing what we are doing of directing them to your website for more in depth info. I would not have a problem with giving money as a gift.
I don't see any problem with it hun, you are no different to the biggest majority of brides these days in the fact that you already have all you need. I guess parents/grandparents just can't get their heads around it and they are used to a particular kind of ettiquette. The going through parents as to ask for suggestions may be something that you can maybe compromise with her on this one and say if thats what shes wants to do with guests that are close friends/relatives to her. xxx

yep, I sent her a list of the poems we were considering too. But she aint happy!

we have just emailed her back pretty much saying what is the point in getting a dinner set when we dont even have a dinner table. We live in a 2 bed flat at the moment, that has absolutely NO storage so our spare room is already piled high with boxes and stuff. We literally have NO ROOM for anything. And all the stuff we have is ok, so we wouldnt want to throw out our perfectly good kettle and toaster just because somebody has bought us a new one.

we are going to say that we wont send out anything mentioning a gift list with the invites. We will just put a link to our other wedding webiste with the details of the day on it. And if they chose to click the gift list section then they will see the link for our honeymoon fund. And we have also requested that if people ask them if we have a gift list then they get told about our honeymoon one and have the fact that we have no room for anything else explained to them. We would rather that than them lying to people sayind "i think they have their eye on something but I am not sure what it is" as that just sounds like the lie that it is!

what is so bad about buying us some champagne to enjoy on the beach, or a dolphin boat tour rather than a toaster or tea set???

Oh good grief, why can't people be happy with our decisions and respect what we want to do?! I really hope my future in-laws or anyone else for that matter have a problem with us too not wanting actual gifts. We too would like money instead.

I would stand your ground, after all it's your wedding, no one elses. Where do people get off making things so difficult?! grrrrr....lol

listen don't try and please her! we have asked for money also as we have what we want and would rather money to put towards our honeymoon. alot of people do it nowadays and i'm sure people would rather give you something you can use as you wish then something thats going to collect dust. If people would prefer to buy you an actual gift they will and thats just as nice!

The bit about the when you are more mature etc was patronising but also funny ! typical older lady words!

do what makes you and h2b happy!

You could say to her thank-you for your opinion we really apppreciate and have taken your comments on board. We want to have a honeymoon we won't forget and if some guests are happy to pay for an extra for us then we will be very happy. But we just want everyone to enjoy our day with us rather than get sucked in with gifts.

xx

the mature comment is especially funny when you realise i am 34 in 2 months time!!! lol

my Mum thinks our gift list is a great idea, and says she will be pushing all of her side of the family towards it. So thank goodness for my Mum!! Was starting to worry that we would have to pay for the entire £3500 honeymoon ourselves, when we have only budgeted to pay for half it.

With my last wedding i ended up with 19sets of towels and 3 BBQ`s amongest other stuff !!!!!!!!!

But Linzi...do you not want some good old Denby to keep in a box for god knows how long instead of living your life!!! Patronising but funny! I think we should get all these interferring MIL2b and their opinions in one room and see who comes out on top!!!

My brother did this when he got married, and everyone thought it was a great idea!

Take no notice of your MIL2B, its YOUR wedding not hers.... if she dont like it tough!

My niece did this and my fil (who is in his 70's), thought this was a fantastic idea. I wouldn't even bother discussing the matter any further with her. What does your h2b think? Out of interest do you normally have a good relationship with you or is she an interfering witch? lol

i wud put them littl epeoms in ur einvite shun!! i liek them/1

it is common to give money now a days. Im sure it wont be a problem esp since you have a honey moon gift list too. Alternatively you could have a look at debenhams and set up a small one for those relatives that are 'more senior' who may take offence but if you dont like anything in debenhams then stick to your original plan.

Had a similar conversation with my MIL(2B). We haven't even sent invites out, but she said that someone who would be invited had already asked about what we might want. We again pointed out that we really didn't need anything and that we didnt really have room for anything more, so it would probably just sit in the loft for years. She said that perhaps we could have a list for people who didn't want to contribute to the honeymoon. I said it seemed silly to invent a list when there's nothing we need. I said, ideally I could do with some diving shoes, a pair of fins and a wetsuit (again for the honeymoon!!), but of course this wasn't really what she had in mind!! I think the older generation understandably think that we're very selfish for wanting what is essentially money towards a nice holiday.

But when we moved in together, we had two kettles, toasters, irons etc. and we had to divide that it two. MIL and FIL said how much they appreciated having a dining set with enough plates etc. for 12 guests and how every time they bring it out, they think of his mother and really feel pleased about it. And how they still have other things that were given to them by guests that are precious to them - a vase, a painting. I can completely understand how people may wish to get us something special that will physically last. But my feeling is that if they feel strongly about it, perhaps they can also decide for themselves what to get us! Maybe a painting/ sculpture/ tea set/ nice rug. What I really don't want is His N' Hers towels, yet another kettle or a decorative bell with the date of our wedding on it!!!!

I like the comment about how 'your presence is all the presents we need' - ultimately it's not about grabbing whatever you can from people. But if people would like to contribute, I agree that we have to be honest and say what we would prefer!! And yes, I believe it is possible to set up a honeymoon contribution thingy where guests can contribute a romantic couples massage/ starlit dinner for two/ swim with dolphins/ champagne breakfast/ upgrade in accommodation etc, so people don't just feel like they're paying for the holiday.

<Sigh.> I *will* think more about my MIL's advice and consider a Debenhams (or similar) gift list, but only if there is something we both genuinely want.

well discussed this in work last night, (all young folk) and they were all on the MIL's side! saying they could see how people would be offended asking to contribute to a honeymoon. The one that was the worst was the one who got married a few years ago and their parents paid for EVERYTHING inlcuding their £4500 honeymoon to Hawaii and New York!!!!

so maybe its a class thing?? I'm not saying that we are all common or anything, but maybe folk that usually get everything paid for them and have never had to struggle think its a bit cheap for us couples doing it ourselves to ask for help?? dunno.

i'm really struggling with this now. Getting such bad responses off everybody apart from you girls, H2B and my side of the family.

we have a bit of time before we have to make a final decision though, so am just going to see how the money goes. If we can afford to pay the honeymoon totally by ourselves, as well as the wedding then we might just do a gift list somewhere else, and put the likes of Comet vouchers on it or something. But i cant see us having ANY money left over from the wedding at all. Will see.

It would be a shame to come up with a gift list, just for the sake of it

thats sounds like my mil!! i wish that people would get up to date with stuff!! lol my mil is like you cant have a church wedding coz we already have children! i cant wear white, OH cant wear top and tails as its a regristry office, ect!! im like but thats not how things are nowadays!!! everything has changed!!! xxx