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  1.  
    • Louiseyweesey
      CommentAuthorLouiseyweesey
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
      edited
     
    Heyyyy!

    I used to get on really well with my MIL to be (and I still do get on with her) but since we got engaged it feels like she is trying to take control of the wedding and me generally. We got engaged just before Christmas and it was a nightmare over Christmas - what should have been a mega happy time seeing all our friends and family to celebrate was ruined by her demanding that we weren't round theirs enough (we are both originally from Somerset so all our family is there, about 3 and a half hours drive from our house now) even though we were at theirs 5 out of 6 days, I barely got to see any of my family and made myself poorly (I have ME) from running to and from so much. I have already said quite strongly that I don't want a repeat of that this Christmas - it's my last Christmas as a Miss and I want to spend it with my family as much as I can.

    Next thing, MIL was very quick to jump in there and say that she wanted a small wedding with the reception in her garden. Again, I had to really justify why I didn't want that. So looking at venues obviously meant there were some snide comments/ opinions as it wasn't what she wanted/ we were just funding greedy commercial bosses and eating out of the palm of their hand by going for a venue rather than home etc etc. Next, I've got a big family and so we compromised and decided on 100-110 day guests and 150 evening guests. THEN we get MIL ringing up saying that we're doing it wrong, we're having too many people etc etc.

    It's been one thing after another like this, now she's on about me choosing a dress design and someone she knows making it which I don't want to happen. H2b has said she will be upset if I don't take her dress shopping but I really want my dress to be a surprise to everyone other than my bridesmaids, mum and another close friend who is going to be a witness. Also my parents are paying a huge amount towards the wedding, basically it turned out they have been saving for both my sister and me to get married since we were born, and h2b's parents have said that they are not paying a penny. This has also caused MIL to accuse my mum of taking over the wedding. Even with our honeymoon, MIL doesn't approve of the idea of asking for contributions rather than presents so she has said we won't get anything from her. Fair enough, but I just wish she would respect what we want to do for our big day and stop kicking off because we aren't doing things her way.

    On top of that, she has been trying to get me to do a PHD - everyone else in the family has one and I'll be the only Mrs rather than Dr. I have told her that there is no way I'm doing one because it is completely not what I want to do. But again, I am having to justify why. Saying 'just because' is not enough, even though it's my life.

    I've got 14 months to go before the wedding and I don't know what to do as it is going to drive me nuts, and I don't want it to spoil anything. What do I do??? xxxx
  2.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    write her a letter ......

    state that you worried that all the talk of the wedding is coming between you so for a while you are having a ban on any wedding related talk ...but you will be coming to her to ask for help/ ideas when you think you need them .

    i also think that your h2b needs to have a chat with her after all she is upsetting his future wife .. the person HE has choosen to be with

  3.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Sounds like you have a tough task on your hands.. sorry to hear you're having a hard time of it. I know you've already laid down the law with her and told her want you do and do not want, but you need to continue to be stern with her until she hopefully gets the message. Can your OH not see what she's being like - can he have a word? It's not fair on you at all. She should respect your wishes and let you get on with planning your own wedding day and have it exactly how you want it - if she's not contributing a penny then that's even more reason why she should have no say at all in your big day!

    Lala's idea about writing a letter is a good idea as you don't need to face her then and won't have any interruptions. She can read it, mull over it and hopefully realise she needs to take a step back.

    It's one thing trying to interfere with the wedding but another trying to make you do a PHD just so you can have the title 'Dr'!

    Hope it gets sorted and she doesn't cause you too many problems xx

    Members signature icon
    Happily married
    18th June 2016
    xx
  4.  
    • Emily17
      CommentAuthorEmily17
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    I am so sorry. this sounds awful. especially when you had a good relationship with her before.

    Personally I don't think it matters if people are contributing towards the wedding and they get a massive say. They are contributing because they love you and want to support you not so that they get to make all the decisions. Sounds like your parents understand that.

    I get what you mean about the dress but you just have to put your foot down on that one. my BM isn't seeing my dress until the day and shes not happy with it but it's my decision and after speaking to OH its final.

    Make sure that you and your OH are on the same page. let him know whats bothering you so that you know you have his support. If she cant respect its what you want then he should at least respect what he wants.

    and on the PHD front!!! Id tell her where to go on that one! that is unbelievable! its your life and if you want to study higher then you can but if not then its completely up to you! She has no say in that whatsoever. Plus if your a Dr people don't know if your male/female married/single so after getting married surely its nice to have that official change..?

    I hope the rest of your planning goes smoothly xx we are here for support

    Members signature icon
    Met in 2009
    He proposed Jan 2014
    Will become Mrs P 7th October 2017
  5.  
    • Louiseyweesey
      CommentAuthorLouiseyweesey
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
      edited
     
    Thank you so much lovelies xxxx
  6.  
    • Velcro
      CommentAuthorVelcro
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    she sounds exactly like my MIL! All was ok(ish) til we decided we were getting married, and she pretty much just wanted to take over, it was a nightmare

    We don't talk now. At all. The day we got back off honeymoon and she had a go at my husband (she was pee'd off about the wedding day apparently, wasn't happy etc), that was it, id had enough, she had tried to ruin my hen do, tried to ruin our wedding day, and then ruined the honeymoon period after it when we were thinking FINALLY it is all over. All because she felt like she wasn't included in the day. Believe me, we tried, but nothing was right or good enough!

    She was sulking about my mum being too involved as well. SHE IS MY MOTHER, the mother of the B-R-I-D-E!! What do they expect!? Move over mum, my mother in law is spitting her dummy out!

    Weddings turn people crazy, and im amazed ours has all but ruined the relationship between him and his mum, its strained at best still at the moment, and I will not have anything to do with her until I get an apology, which will never happen. Even if I did though, at this point, the damage is done. It has made me see what kind of a person she really is, and i'm better off without people like that in my life

    I really hope it doesn't get that far for you, despite my feelings toward the woman, I do wish it could have worked out better, if only for his sake.

    Members signature icon

    Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey
    *Kelbel* is my wedding twinny!
  7.  
    • Myranny
      CommentAuthorMyranny
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    And once again I am thankful that I have no FMIL...

    To be honest, what the girls have said is good advice. If it carried on afterward though, I'd be quite blunt and say if she wants this and that then why doesn't she get married/renew her vows/whatever so she can do it. Hell, it seems like what she really fancies is a bloody BBQ at home. Ask her if she wants to throw you an engagement party then?

    And, whilst it's not EVER about the money or contributions or gifts, she's contributing nothing so why should she get a say?

    Maybe you could take her dress shopping as a compromise? I know you want it to be a surprise for everyone, but she'd probably be really chuffed and it's only 1 more person. I'd even make a point of saying that you really wanted it to be a surprise for her, but as you know she wants to be involved, you're involving her. Maybe take her to a dress shop where you DON'T think you'll find *the* dress? She doesn't have to come every time you go, and you might end up going to a few shops so she still doesn't see the actual dress, but gets to go with you? xx
  8.  
    • DanielleS0709
      CommentAuthorDanielleS0709
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Omg she wants you to become a Dr?? Sounds like she needs to get off her high horse. So is she saying anything less than a dr isn't good enough for her son?? Your OH really needs to step in and put her straight. Poor you that's awful.

    Members signature icon
    21st May 2016 xxx


  9.  
    • michgib
      CommentAuthormichgib
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Well said danielle totally agree
  10.  
    • MrsDonnaMc2b
      CommentAuthorMrsDonnaMc2b
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    The title 'MOTHER IN LAW' should just be banished or made illegal..!!! They are not needed lol x




  11.  
    • Velcro
      CommentAuthorVelcro
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    MONSTER in law*****

    Members signature icon

    Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey
    *Kelbel* is my wedding twinny!
  12.  
    • michgib
      CommentAuthormichgib
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Ha ha velcro
 

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