As some of you may know, I am having serious issues with my future in laws. It all came to a head last night. Apparently I don't know how to look after a child as I'm only 25 and have only been there a few months and I don't know the best practice. I have had enough of the criticism and enough of the judgements. You'd think she would be happy that someone is willing to take on someone else's child and bring her up to be happy and healthy. Instead I just get constant criticism over everything I do. I hate the constant shouting about everything and the comparison between me and h2b's ex. Mil hates the woman and I don't understand why I'm compared to her all the time. We live in their house, they invited me to move in to provide stability for the little one. The issues with living with your future in laws are numerous, and we want to move out so badly. I have spent most of the day in tears. Woke up with a migraine which led me to throw up all morning. I still went to work as it meant I could be out of the house. I am staying at a friend's house tonight as I can't take the atmosphere in the house. H2b is so upset as he's worried I'm going to leave. My stepdaughter has been crying her eyes out as she's worried about the same thing. I don't want to leave him, I love him so so much. I just can't handle the stress and feeling so ill because of it. I just don't know what to do.
CommentAuthorNicsquared
I think its really good that you are getting some space - i think you sound like a very good step mum and dont have a clue how you have lasted there for so long
Try and think of the positives and try and stick with it until you have your meeting to see if you can move out. Can h2b not talk yo them about their behaviour? I know its soo hard but we are all here for you x
There are so many people out there who will tell you
what you can't do.
What you have to do is turn around and say, "watch me"!!
CommentAuthorkerriface
He is going to tonight. Hopefully they'll see the effect it's having on h2b and the little one.x
CommentAuthorfairy-cakes
oh no how dreadful... whys she on your case surly she wants her son and grandaughter to be happy. is she being over protective becasue of his x maybe? was she like this before you moved in? hope your migraines better xxx
CommentAuthorkerriface
I don't know why she's being like this. She is very old fashioned and set in her ways. My mum thinks she wanted to be the mother figure and that's why she's interfering all the time.x
Oh stupid woman! Maybe no one's good enough for her precious son. Fingers crossed h2b gets through to them x x
Finally Mrs Grove :)
CommentAuthorlinzmum
I know exactly how you feel. I had the same with my ex and his mum a few years ago (althoguh there was no child involved). unfortunately in my experience all I can say is you will feel like this all the time you are living there and probably to a degree after you move out too. I have a new man and new family now but still think back to those 'dak days', for me it got so bad that the mil wasn't letting me eat :O I was about 20 atm but didn't want to cause problems by standing up for myself. I was having to seek food into the house and hiding it under the bed.....in 3 months I lost around 3 stone which was a lot as I weight around 8-9 normally.
Have you tried contacting your local council? they could house you all even if its only til you can sort somethin out for yourselves. you may need a note from a doctor though to say its affecting your health. Hope you work something out soon but tbh the only advice I can give is to not stay there if you can as its not worth getting yourself sick over. I would though sit down with your h2b and lil one to say you can't stay but you don't want to leave them and that its only til you find somewhere to all be happy together.
Soon to be joined together as the Wheeler family, can't wait
Doing thing our way xxxx
CommentAuthorNicsquared
I hope he gets through to them - its crazy that they are destroying what sounds like a stable relationship which would your little girl no end Fingers crossed
There are so many people out there who will tell you
what you can't do.
What you have to do is turn around and say, "watch me"!!
CommentAuthorfairy-cakes
ah so she's jealous... what about if you both sit down with them both and talk about what you and h2b parenting intentions are for the future and how they include the grandparents and that to move forward in everybodys best intrests and that your not shutting them out, you just need their support by helping rather than arguing. if everythings on the table maybe she might realise your not a threat and that she needs to show you more respect.. keep strong hunni x
CommentAuthorLittleMissBossy
Can you afford moving out? I think it's much more stability for the girl to live in an enviroment without shouting. Her grandparents can still be there for her.
Move out - I mean all 3 of you ofc.! Hope it all sorts itself out soon.
It’s so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life....
CommentAuthorkerriface
We've spoken to them many times. Like I said she's stuck in her ways and I can't see her changing her behaviour. This has been going on for months. H2b knows I'm leaving him and he also understands the effect it's having on me.x
CommentAuthorkerriface
I mean not leaving him. Sorry, it's hard to type while crying.x
CommentAuthorLittleMissBossy
Btw - I think your mum is quite right there.
It’s so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life....
CommentAuthorkerriface
We can't afford to move. I work part time and h2b has been struggling to find work after being let go after winning custody. We're going to housing office tomorrow.x
CommentAuthorLittleMissBossy
I see, difficult. It depends on your council ofc but you should get emergency housing immediately but probably have to wait a bit for decent housing.
It’s so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life....
CommentAuthorNicsquared
He was let go because he got custody?? That doesnt sound right!
There are so many people out there who will tell you
what you can't do.
What you have to do is turn around and say, "watch me"!!
CommentAuthorSkamer
I can't even start to understand what you are going through but my thoughts are with you. I am only a little way down the road if there is anything I can do for you x
CommentAuthorkerriface
H2b just phoned me and said that his parents get upset because I sometimes don't say hello when I come home from work. Also I sometimes come across in a bad way. So apparently I'm supposed to be nice to them after they have insulted me now.
CommentAuthor~feebee~
When you go to housing you need to say you are being thrown out or you won't get anywhere if you say you are leaving of your own accord (been there hun) x
Finally Mrs Grove :)
CommentAuthorkerriface
I know. I'm just worried they'll want proof as hell with freeze over before they sign anything saying they're evicting us.x
CommentAuthorLittleMissBossy
Feebee has a point but it does depend on the council - you should be classed as overcrowded.
It’s so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life....
CommentAuthorkerriface
I don't know if we will be as there are enough bedrooms.
CommentAuthorfairy-cakes
oh hunni, i agree with the others though about finding out if you can maybe getting housing help... at least you can see that h2b is talking to his parents in your absence and trying to sort things x
CommentAuthorloustew2012
so sorry to hear this is still going on kerri, I hope you are ok.
the excuse u put there about not saying hello has got to be the worse ever! seems like shes old fashioned and that no one is good for her boy and these days its just nonsense. h2b should be standing up for you and his daughter as at the end of the day he wants to marry you and have the 3 of you as a family. i hope you get it sorted out at the housing tomorrow, id lay it on really thick, cos sometimes it has to be done. if he got custody of his daughter part of the reason perhaps was he had a stable environment for her to grow up in but ur inlaws isnt letting that happen.
id keep doing what you do kerri, look after your stepdaughter, making ur h2b happy etc but dont apologise for what your doing. they have the issues not you. either that you could do the opposite and be sickly nice. what would make them moan at you for most???
xxx
All the ways of my life id rather be with you.
Theres no way without you.
10.11.12
CommentAuthorxnikki86x
Oh bless ya hun I really feel for you. Some mothers are so up their nose that no woman is ever good enough for their precious sons, even if you was the perfect woman! It sounds to me like your doing the best you can and your sticking through it all even while she is being like that, that alone should be enough to show how good you are! Maybe she's testing you? Or trying to see if you are going to be just like his ex?
Whatever you do, stick beside your H2B and stepdaughter and show her that it doesnt matter what she says or does your not in it for her, your there for them X
CommentAuthorFutureMrsPite
i was living with my exs sister when i had my first child and they wrote us a note to explain that we had to move out by a certain date and when we went to the housing office they asked us is there anyone that could take u in and i explained no cos everybody doesnt have room or doesnt want an extra 2 ppl plus a baby in their home. they did ask for our parents phone numbers at the time and rang them to ask if they would take us in, obviously i dont know the exact conversation but they knew we didnt want to be taken in as the council would just leave u there for as long as possible and as ur experiencing its hard trying to be a couple/parents with other ppl around. anyway they both must have told the council no and they housed us, in a travel lodge for 2 weeks at first as there were no hostels free, and then in a hostel, which isnt the nicest place to be in but its ur own place (sort of) so is easier. if his parents loved their son they should want to make him happy and if that means either being more accepting of u or writing a letter to say they want you to move out then thats what they should do. they cant just blame it on u for not saying hello when u get in etc, its nerve racking being around the in laws sometimes u feel under constant scrutiny, especially with the mothers i think as they r protective of their sons. good luck with all this and let us know how it goes, ur h2b should def have a word with them though and make them realise how important u r 2 him x
As the beatles say, Love Is All You Need x
CommentAuthorkerriface
I am nice to them. His ex was lazy, only married him so she didn't have to work. I do housework, I cook meals, I buy food. I get madam up for school, i've got her eating vegetables and I've taught her how to read. I play with her, take her to fun places. I pay for her clothes, he school stuff (uniform, trips, school dinners). I help h2b apply for jobs, support him in everything. Pay for the car. I take on as much overtime as I can to do this. And yet it never seems good enough. I was told I shouldn't work Sunday's as we should all be going to church as a family. We need the money though. In my eyes, going to church doesn't make you any more of a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. I offer to pay money towards the bills but have been told that they don't need it. I am at a loss what to do. If I walk out then I am doing the exact sane thing as his ex, but I can't handle the stress. My family live 200 miles away and i just feel so alone.
CommentAuthorFutureMrsPite
i would have a chat with them with ur h2b there aswell and say how u feel, i think u do enough for him and his daughter for his parent sto c u r good enough and they shouldnt be critisizing u at all! like u said shes a bit stuck in her ways and will prob think no one is good enough so just try to ignore her behaviour or remarks and get on with it, although i think its good for u to get out of the house and have a breather every now and then, maybe then they would realise how they r making u feel, but make sure ur h2b knows ur there for him and his daughter, just say ur going to need to get out of the house every once in a while if their behaviour doesnt stop as ur doing nothing wrong! hope he can get through to them 4 u x
As the beatles say, Love Is All You Need x
CommentAuthorkerriface
They want to talk tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it. She never listens, just speaks over others and walks off of if people say things she doesn't agree with.
CommentAuthor~feebee~
Hmmm, very Christian behaviour she is showing!!!! I hate that. My mum was a bit hypocritical like that :(
Finally Mrs Grove :)
CommentAuthorkerriface
I'm the one who has been turning the other cheek after all the horrible things that they have said to me. I'm sure it says in the bible about not judging others unless you want to be judged. I am constantly compared to h2b's ex. She kept running off to her parents and taking the baby with her. I see my parents 4 maybe 5 times a year yet they're making me feel bad for it.x
CommentAuthorMrs T Hurley!
I'm a catholic and i still work Sunday's as i know i can go 2 church after work, so what she's saying is rubbish. This is a Christian country and we're still open Sunday's. OMG, She's not even my mil and she's annoyed me!!
Met 18/09/03
Engaged 06/09/08
Getting married 05/09/17
CommentAuthorFutureMrsPite
my mum is like that but doesnt walk off just argues and doesnt want to c any other way than hers, hence why im not speaking to mine, i had enough after years of it. hope it all goes well tomo and if it doesnt and she doesnt like u still then she can do u a favour and write that letter to the council and u can get out of there! x
As the beatles say, Love Is All You Need x
CommentAuthorkerriface
The vicar at our church knows I work as I have spoken to him! He understands that I'm supporting our little family. H2b has stopped going to church as much as he has lost the enthusiasm. His parents are in the choir and he feels pressurised by them. His mum said that I was telling him not to go.
CommentAuthorTsukijin
edited
"judge not lest ye be judged" is the bit she needs to see!
You are an absolutely amazing person to have put up with this crap for this long Kerri, a lot of women would have set fire to her or something by now.
The shouting isn't a good atmosphere for the little girl and your mil is stupid to not know that. She is also an idiot for trying to push someone away that loves her son and his daughter even though she is not your child.
Deluded old woman wanting to be a mother figure to her granddaughter when she already has a wonderful woman being that figure. Dunno what it is with grandparents wanting to mother their grandchildren to a ridiculous extent. I already told you my mil gloated when my mum died because she didn't have to share my son with anyone.
She has treated you appallingly to the extent that it is making you ill. You need to get out. If you can all get out together then wonderful but for your own health you need to get out because it's only going to make you more ill and then you'll be no use to anyone bless you :(
Whatever she has t say tomorrow will probably be about as sincere as a wife beater promising to change. It will only last long enough to create an illusion and then old ways will set in. (sorry about the example!)
When you go to housing tomorrow lay it on with a trowel. Cry, heave, wretch,wave your hands, look run down. Tell them you are unwelcome there and are being encouraged to leave quicker with the use of emotional abuse, you have nowhere to go, lie and tell them you are estranged from your parents if you must. Tell them about your stepdaughter and how the environment is affecting her and how she needs a stable home with you and h2b even if all they have is a tiny flat it will be yours and you won't have to worry about whether it's ok to come out of your room. I feel so down for you and sorry you are in this situation. If there's anything any of us ladies can do, I think I can speak for everyone when i say we are all here. If you didn't live so far away I'd even invite you here just to get away :( xx
eru, shiteiru ka? shinigami wa ringo shika tabenai?
^_^
CommentAuthorkerriface
Thank you all so much xx
CommentAuthorJilly17
You have my sympathies! She sounds just like my mil2b but luckily I dont have to live with her! I cant do anything right even though fil2b thanks me for all the changes I have helped h2b with in terms of the girls and access. She wants to be queen bee, and I am simply just not good enough because no one would be. She tried to persuade h2b to move to a flat opposite her before we were engaged. Thing was it was a 1 bed and when I pointed this out she said she would have the children stay with her!!! I really hope you can resolve the situation but I am sorry you are going through so much!
CommentAuthorkerriface
Thanks jilly17. We have spoken to someone about housing benefit today and it feels like things are moving forward. Nothing has been said to me about any of the problems. As usual it has been brushed under the carpet. But at least they're not shouting at me! And my friend has given us a free view box so we don't have to sit downstairs and watch what she wants to watch.x
CommentAuthorLittleMissBossy
What did the housing people say?
It’s so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life....
CommentAuthorkerriface
They said that as we're both working now (h2b has a temporary job that finishes Xmas eve) that we're not entitled to housing benefit, but once h2b finishes his job we need to get it sorted ASAP. Waiting to speak to my friend tomorrow about moving in to the house she's renting. Have the forms ready. My mum is offering to pay the deposit for us. Just worried about the fuss mil will kick up when we tell her we're moving out.x
CommentAuthorSkamer
You have to think about what is best for your family, the three of you deserve to be happy and from what you have said that isn't going to happen under your mil roof. You get one life, you deserve to be happy x
CommentAuthorLittleMissBossy
Sounds like a good plan!
It’s so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life....
CommentAuthorkerriface
Yeah, I know. H2b feels as though they don't want him to be happy. Don't want the little one to be affected. She was so upset when I went to my friend's house yesterday that it broke my heart.
CommentAuthorx Disney Princess x
I wouldn't even worry about how your mil will react, just focus on getting the hell outta there. I really don't like the way your mil has treated you, it's horrible.
I hope when you finally get your own place she will stay out of your business and you can just live your life with your little family xx
CommentAuthorkerriface
She won't stay out. But luckily she's lazy and won't even walk to the church 2 roads away, so it's highly unlikely she'll walk to where we're planning to move to. She'll probably bring up stuff to do with the ongoing contact court hearings and how it'll look bad for h2b. Although how having a job and providing a nice place to live for his daughter is bad I don't know. We already have answers for everything she'll throw at us. At the end of the day, h2b has said he's prepared to be ignored by them for a few months if it means we're happy together. I don't want it to be like that but we know that's how it will turn out.x
CommentAuthorx Disney Princess x
Your h2b will be doing the right thing though, i think she needs to learn to keep her nose out and you all moving away is the best thing for it. She will come round eventually it just sounds like she wants him to be his little boy still and has issues with letting him go.
Also if you get a house phone then don't give her the number lol x
CommentAuthorTsukijin
You're doing the right thing what luck your friend has a place! Who cares what mil thinks, she will be too far away for you to have to care
Lol if it was me I wouldn't even give her a forwarding address or telephone number, just go there to pock up any post you might have or whatever. I don't think providing a home with adequate room for a growing young lady will be anything for the court to turn their noses up at!
Nicoles mummy is right, she wants to keep your h2b as a baby so she feels 'needed' and is probably failing to see that he is a grown man moving to be with his wife and daughter in a nice place with a nice atmosphere.
Mil translation is "evil witch is stealing my little boy away from me and turning him against me with her poisonous tendrils"
My mil has this weird disease too.. But a son is a son till he finds a wife ^_^
eru, shiteiru ka? shinigami wa ringo shika tabenai?
^_^
CommentAuthorkerriface
She won't be far away, about a ten minute walk. But like I said, she doesn't like walking anywhere. The little one adores her grandparents, so we wouldn't cut ties. It just wouldn't be so intense and there would definitely be rules about behaviour in our house. If she turns up and criticised things she's out until she can learn to show some respect