Wedding Forum - Little People!...

Sorry ladies, but need to vent as this has been whirling around in my head for a little while now.

Okay, so at our wedding we decided that we wanted to have two flower girls to accompany my sister, who is to be bridesmaid. I have a niece, who will be 4 at the wedding, and my OH has a neice who will be 3. We thought by leaving it at that we have representation from both sides of the family. Altogether we have 5 children coming along - the two flowers girls, my brother's two sons and my OH's nephew/cousin. So there wasn't 1 child who was left with nothing to do, we decided to just go with two flower girls to accompany my sister and leave it at that.

Now, I may be being totally paranoid, but I think this decision has offended my brother and sister-in-law that we've not asked their two boys to be part. We just wanted to make it fair so one child didn't feel left out.

Earlier this week it was my nephew's birthday meal - we couldn't actually go because my OH had friends visiting us. Unfortunately OH was not well so we had to cancel our plans. This then meant that we were free, even though OH was really not well. I contacted my brother and said when would be a good time for me to drop by and give nephew his birthday present and card. I was told to go to the restaurant when the family meal was. So, I get to the restaurant and again I could be being paranoid, but I got theh distinct impression that my SIL was not overly welcoming and seemed a bit off. In fact, last time she did my hair, I felt that she was not her usual self with me. When my Aunt arrived and SIL's sister, she was totally different in welcoming them. I was then left standing a bit like a lemon, whilst my nephew was directed to the other two people who had arrived to accept their gifts. My Dad then arrived to say that Mum wanted my parking space, to which my brother replied: You'd better go then. Again I may be reading into things, but I said I hadn't given nephew his birthday present. I then tried to strike up conversation with SIL, but she seemed to either not hear or decided to talk to her sister instead. I gave the gift and left and was actually really upset.

My brother has also apparently said to my Mum that he isn't happy that they are the only members of the family who haven't got a room at the hotel and said I didn't let him know that the rooms were available to be booked. I didn't let him know because he had set from the outset when he knew where our venue was to be that he was going to take his caravan and use the campsite nearby. I took this as gospel.

Now, I could be wrong, but I also wanted my sister's little girl to have just one day where she felt special too. She's had an awful time. My sister and her partner have separated and her father has told her that he doesn't love her and she will need to find a new Daddy - she's 3! The boys, on the other hand, have everything you could imagine and I just wanted my niece to have a bit of attention on her for a change. I now feel like I've offended my SIL and brother, but I have spoken to my OH and he said it's about us and what we want, not about them - ie brother and SIL.

It's quite a difficult situation, but when the boys were Christened my SIL's sisters were asked to be godmothers, but me and my sister weren't. In fact, they were going to ask my sister at one point, but not me. They arrange children's parties and dont invite their niece. I know wrongs don't make rights, but I feel all of the joy about our wedding being zapped out of me as I feel that I'm constantly upsetting them.

I don't feel comfortable in tackling this head on, but not sure what to do really! We don't have a particularly close relationship my brother and I and we only really see each other a few times a year.

PS sorry for the long post!!!

I think it's more of the fact that SIL perceives that my brother doesn't get treated the same in the family as me and my sister. My mum changed her profile picture on Facebook the other day to one of myself, brother and my sister and SIL commented that it was nice to see a family picture for a change of my brother. She's made remarks too in the past about how when they set up home together, our parents didn't help financially, but hers did and asked me if my parents helped me to get on the property ladder. It's also always about how much her sisters and parents do for the boys. Mum and Dad are always asking my brother to see more of the boys, but are rarely ask to babysit, only when they can't get anybody else - they ask their friends before my parents are asked. I know how much it upsets my mum and that upsets me.

I also think it may be because she offered to do my hair and make up - she's a hairdresser. I said that would be nice at the time, but when OH said he wanted an earlier wedding I contacted her to say that it would be too much to do my hair and make up and get herself and the two boys ready for a ceremony at 12. I was thinking of her stress levels and also because when I looked into it, I wanted the airbrush make up.

In a way, I can see their point of view about not asking their boys and seeing me as perhaps favouritising my niece. I just want to give one little girl one day where she feels a bit special as she's been so upset about her Dad and has even climbed into my parents back in tears saying that nobody loves her. It breaks my heart when I hear that. I just feel it's perfectly okay and acceptable for my niece for them not to include my neice, but when the boys aren't included it's an issue.

I can see your point as well with your uncle. I would be feeling exactly the same - are you going to invite them?

Families!!!

I think you have done the right thing. If you don't have regular contact with him then there should be no assumption to a major part in the day.
Also, even if someone offers to help out you are well within your right to decline for whatever reason. MIL is making our cake and we are going to be telling her everything that we want. It wont be her doing whatever she wants for us. My mom offered to do our flowers and I said no for the same reason as you that I didn't want her running around the day of/day before the wedding doing it. I wanted her to be with me supporting me and leave that to someone else.

With regards to the hotel you did the right thing in my opinion. If someone says they cant afford something why would you then force it upon them to have them say that they cant afford it again. It is just embarrassing them for no reason. You didn't exclude him. You were aware he had other plans and left him to it.

To me it sounds like they are just being petty!

Thanks ladies - you've made me feel better about the situation. I had half-convinced myself I was at fault and was thinking of just asking them to do something to keep the peace, but as OH has said, there isn't really anything for them to do and then we run the risk of another little boy feeling left out.

think your evening plan is a fair compromise.

I don't see why you should have done that either... to 'explain' would be to admit there was an issue in the first place, and I don't think there ever was! That would have made me mad too!

But they could call you too.
I agree you should have to explain your reasons. Its like sitting down with everyone invited to the wedding and saying we have chose x colour for x reason. Sorry it clashes with your hair colour! You wouldn't do it and it wouldn't be expected of you so I don't get why it is in this situation.

It is your day so don't let anyone get you down.

Say to your brother you get the feeling he is upset with you about something and let him raise the issue. Then tell him you were looking to have both sides of the family represented and that you only wanted one child from each side and to do this it was much easier to pick your niece as then you would have had to have chosen between the two boys. If your brother really wants to make an issue of it suggest that you would love to have the boys as mini ushers and hand out order of services to the guest before they sit down for the main event. A little suit for each would be very cheap. I personally don't care anymore who I upset but it is our day however I know some brides can't ignore the crap that families give them xx

This is why we are only having our son in the bridal party and no other children. I agree you should out right say to your brother that you feel he's upset with you but you aren't sure why, let him bring the issues to you. If you mention the boys it will be like you are acknowledging that they have been left out. Hope you get it sorted xx

Thanks ladies - I've decided to let them bring the "issue" to me rather than me highlighting it and then making things worse. I've calmed down now (!!!) and know in my heart we've not done anything wrong.

Thanks lovely. Any news about your dress? xx

How annoying.

One of the women I work with showed me her daughter's dress yesterday - was nice, but didn't have the wow factor in my opionion. I showed her mine and she said her daughter really wanted a Mor1 l££ one but as the wedding is 1 June she had run out of time.

Interesting you should say that Leanne as my mum said my dress looked a lot more "wow" on me than it did in the pic of the model wearing it... which I found very complimentary as the model was a size 6 with legs up to her armpits hahaha.

Haha - why they can't model dresses on real brides, I don't know! I looked mine up on G00gl£ to see if I could find any images of it on real people and it looks like a different dress to the one the model is wearing.

Think that also depends on how tall you are - when you're only 5ft tall like me, clothes tend to look better on models!!!