hi guys, im not really sure who to talk to about this as my mums answers are usually "give up then" and I've tried talking to h2b and he walks off! Things are not so brilliant lately, we have just moved into our own cottage as we were living with my mil2b and i HATED it, my grandad always says "you can't put to women in a kitchen" and he couldn't of been more right, so i said to him "thats it, its time we found our own place to live" we had this huge discussion about how he isn't ready to leave his mum so i sat down and thought, if he isn't ready to leave his mum (he's 23) he isn't ready to start a life or get married, i told him this and he said he was an agreed we would move out, we have moved 2 doors down from his mother, he goes to his mums before work, after work and every other opportunity he gets, If I'm not at work or out doing something i am always sat in "our" new home by myself because he wants to be at his mums, so here i am sat here by myself thinking "this just isn't going to work" his whole attitude has changed, i love him, i just don't think those apron strings are going to get cut, right now I'm thinking of cancelling the whole wedding and just leaving, i feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a wall, whenever i talk about the wedding all i get is "mum wants us to this, mum wants us to do that" i feel like it might as well be him and his mum cause I'm expected to sit there and not talk and not have an opinion, but as i said, he refuses to talk to me about anything and he just walks off or plays his xbox... I'm 20 and have recently been diagnosed with a thyroid disfunction and a vitamin deficiency so I'm not very well and could really do without the stress, i thought moving out would give me a break and intact it seems to of just made things worse.
sorry about the rant, but I really needed a vent.x
CommentAuthorNicolaG1
Could you go and stay at ur parents for a few days? I have felt like this in the past, for reasons different to your own , so I packed a small bag and spent a few days at my dads. He soon realised what was at stake xx
CommentAuthorBecca
I have thought about doing that, I don't think I have any other options that will help, the only other option isn't something I actually want to do , I hope everything works out because it's making us being around each other awkward ): xx
CommentAuthorElinor Claire
Is there a possibility of moving a little bit further away, so it's harder for him to go to his mum? Or what about a week away just the two of you, with a strict agreement that neither of you contact your families except in an emergency? That way he can get used to the idea of putting you first and his mum second. Otherwise I fear you may be right, a lot of men are still very young at 23, and it may be that he simply isn't ready yet. The question is do you want to wait until he is. Are you older than him?
30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.
CommentAuthorkatielea100
Urghh he needs to grow a pair!!!! His mum had obviously been at his every need for far too long n now he can't leave I think I'd kill my OH if he was like that but he couldn't wait to move out and get away from his mum I think you need space to clear your head and you need to tell him straight that obviously his mums his mum and that will never change but he needs to stop seeing her so often otherwise it won't last and I also think you need to move further away xx
It sounds like you didn't move far enough away. To be honest, he has been so resistant, and should be loving his new home and personal space, doing things round the house etc. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it sounds like he has alot of growing up to do, and a few apron strings need cutting. Not sure if these things can be forced though, as he might be resentful long term. He needs to be ready, and make these moves himself.
CommentAuthorLauraK7
I agree you should have moved further away making it harder for him as he may have actually lost a few strings them, maybe as someone else said just pack a bag and go to your parents for a few days x
CommentAuthorVictoriaB
Wow I'm sorry to be harsh but apron strings? Umbilical cord needs cutting more like! What a mummys boy! You need to tell him straight how you feel. I had this once with my first ever serious boyfriend he was such a mummys boy and in the end I ended up resenting his mum so then we didn't get on either which is alkward but it was all because he wasn't ready to grow up and hadnt been bottle fed as a child or adult lol. I loved him so much but you sometimes have to make the choice it is impossible to change someone who doesn't want or isn't willing to change,truth is he probably sees no wrong in it and thinks you're nagging and pathetically jealous, and true theirs nothing wrong with loving your mother but if he ever wants a family of his own it's time to step back from the family he was raised in and pay more attention to his own in the making.
I hope you manage to get through to him ,take a few days away and clear your mind think of what you want to say and stick to it. Good luck hun xx
CommentAuthorBecca
Oh I fully agree, he has so much growing up to do, I didn't want to live this close to his mother as I live an hour away from my parents which I bearly get to see because if work, we were meant to find a house in the town we both know (where we met) which is exactly between both his mum and my parents and where one of my Jobs are, he won't go away with me incase his mum wants him for something he also is going away with her to Wiltshire without even telling me or even mentioning it, she came over last night and said to him "did you get that time Off work" I asked what for and they said they were going away to see one of his brothers ... Planned over a week ago apparently, I really don't think there's anything else I can try to make him just detach himself a little, I've tried moving out, compromising to stay closer to his mum, it's all getting too much now that I can't even look at my wedding planner, I've actually Put it away because I can't see this wedding happening ): xx
CommentAuthorLauraY27
This is what my h2b was like when I met him. The only child still living at home and a right mummy's boy. She made his dinner, made his bed and tidied his room at 23. Just after landing a really good job they announced they were moving 45 minutes away and that we were welcome to go with them. I told him no way!!! I'm not communicating 45 mins for work and college everyday. I told him that it was either me or move with them. Which sounds very harsh, we were only in the beginning stages of our relationship, but he knew that I was right and that we couldn't go with them. So 6 months into our relationship we moved into a tiny 1 bed flat.
Now because they live so far away he face times her once a week and we visit about once a month. It's really hard trying to cut them because even when you do, they expect you to take the role of mum and expect everything done for them, the way mum does it. We have a massive argument one night and it got to the point that I wouldn't let him walk away and even threw the iPad at him so he'd listen. He then understood that building his own life would be better than sharing his mums.
Good luck and I hope it all works out x
CommentAuthorkatielea100
Wow he's going away with his mum and hasn't invited you! That would of done it for me you need to give him a ultimatum xx
CommentAuthorLauraY27
Snap Katie, everything he's involved in with his family, I'm involved in too!x
CommentAuthorMarrying.Ryan
Is it maybe worth trying to talk to his mum about it? If talking to him is not getting you anywhere, maybe his mum needs to tell him "listen, I love you, but you need to start your own life outside of my home". Or is she as attached to him as he is to her?
CommentAuthorDocMrsA2014
Wow ! That's quite a lot to deal with Becca. It sounds like your OH definitely has a lot of growing up to do. I think you both need a time out away from family and any other distractions to discuss things and see whether or not you're both still on the same page. If you're not, then some very tough decisions have to be made. I hope it all works out
C&S 2014
CommentAuthoralmost a year wife!!
hmmm he really really REALLY needs to cut the apron strings and grow a pair... if i can be honest? i dont think it is a good idea to get married whilst hes being like this. He clearly isnt ready, i think your ages are quite young too, not saying it cant work with two people who are 20 and 23 but in this instance it could well be. id say enjoy being engaged and dont set any dates etc and see how u go. you need to talk to him properly and make him listen to you or even talk to his mum??? if hes going away with her without even telling you it sounds like he doesnt even want to get married :( so so sorry hun xxx
Ill marry my hero
CommentAuthorBethanyS
I agree, there is being a mummy's boy and then there is being stupid and sorry I think your H2B is being stupid. You should be his number one right now with starting your new life together. There is always enough room in his life for you both and he has to realise that or he is going to lose you completely. I agree with the other girls, take a break. Perhaps tell him you want some time apart because he really needs to realise what his life will be like without you. x
CommentAuthorFutureMrsSteven
If my h2b was like that I wouldn't marry him. I don't mean to be brutal but someone that immature isn't ready to be married. It sounds like you wouldn't be as important as his mummy, he isn't ready for the responsibility - he seriously needs to grow up. Do you really want to marry someone who is still so immature? What would happen when If you had children? Or illness? Financial problems? Serious life decisions? Would he be your rock or run back home?
I would suggest you move away or give him an ultimatum.
CommentAuthorCoral
I have to say the first six months living together with my H2B was hard and I really wasn't happy don't think he was either its taken a lot of talks about changing, and well him seeing a text on my phone about me planning to leave him really scared him. Its taken years to Get the balance just right. Little steps for quality time meals together with no TV, play Xbox together (or beat him to it so he knows how you feel) and make plans for a day out once a month, cooking and doing housework together Hope you can work it out but remember its not going to be solved over night
CommentAuthorWhovianbride
Had this with an ex, I could not see him ever moving out his dads, who did everything for him, bought him a brandnee £17000 car for his 17th bday! Let him buy whatever he wanted. Yes he was happy to go on holiday with me but then it was like i was the mum an he was my kid, I had to look after all the travel stuff and look after him, and deal with his tamtrums! You need to lay it down for him. I mean he says he can't go away without his mum incase she needs him, but he can go without you , what if you need him. It sounds like its him and his mum planning to get married!
Lay it down and say somethings got to give and if he does not cut some strings you will be gone
Met June 2009 on my Birthday,Met again July 2009 and got
together, May 2010 Moved in,Jan 2011 got pregnant,
August 2011 Got our own place, 2011 Had our Baby Girl,
Dec 2011 Got engaged, July 2015 Getting married! Yay!
CommentAuthorMrsH-2B
Is his mum elderly or poorly that he doesn't want to leave her ? Xxx
I can't wait to become his Wife :-) <3
4th July 2015 <3
CommentAuthorInDreamland
Unless there is a serious issue like his mum being ill frail etc where she needs physical carer support where I could understand his need to go back to his mum that much then I'd say it's him who needs to decide what he wants and if he's really ready to cut the umbilical cord.
Some guys mature later than others.
If you moved out for a month maybe that'll force him to decide and think carefully about his future, short and long term x
Married the love of my life on Saturday 11th May 2013 xxx
Had our dream perfect honeymoon in Hawaii!
CommentAuthorDawnK21
My only piece of advice is.....
Don't go ahead with the wedding unless you are completely sure!
If you are having these sorts of problems now, it will only get worse once you are bound to each other for life. When I was younger I married an American love of mine, we did it rushed due to visas. It didn't last long before it crumbled and died and I was distraught I had a failed marriage. But when I look back, I had doubts before the wedding and I swallowed them telling myself it would be ok. It wasn't, and I should have listened to my concerns, they were dead right.
Years later and I'm now weeks away from marrying my best friend. There are absolutely no doubts in my heart and I will be by his side come what may. I realise the difference now. I wish I had known, as I will always feel ashamed for my failed marriage.
You are young, you have a whole life ahead of you. Unless you want this man in it, and understanding he may never change ever, for the rest of you life then don't do it.
CommentAuthorElinor Claire
Maybe when he goes away that's an ideal time for you to think hard about how you really feel about him. You are both very young still, and while you're not necessarily too young to get married, you do have plenty of time. You could postpone and decide to set a date later, once you've worked through things. Does his mum live alone, or is his father there. Has she mean a single mum for a long time? That could make him more protective. Maybe you could approach the subject via his siblings, and say that they need to rake a share of any caring. You could also put your foot down and say that if he won't take time off from his mum that's it. Maybe you could put something in place for people to look after his mother for a week, to try to persuade him to have time with you. He needs to learn to live his own life.
30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.
CommentAuthorSandyG83
How did his mum react when she realised you didnt know he was going away? I do agree with others you need some time alone to think what you really want and then talk to him and let him know how unhappy your. Hope it works out for you xx
CommentAuthorShannonK05
I was in a very similar situation to you last year, Becca. Same ages too, I'm 20 a h2b is 24. Last year, he was still living with his parents and I couldn't deal with being there all the time with his Mum. I mean, we get on, but as you said, it just doesn't work. I talked to him about moving away and he started looking up houses within 5 mins of his parents' house. I was having a really bad day at this point and turned round and said to him no, I was thinking more like starting a whole new life abroad... A couple days later I told him I had booked myself on to a course in Spain and I was going in September. I said I would go with or without him but I'd rather he came with. It really gave him the kick up the bum he needed and here we are, we've been living in Barcelona since September and he's very happy here and so glad we moved :) I know it's cruel, and it doesn't work for everybody, but maybe your fiance just needs a little kick? Just to realise that there is a possibility of him losing you? Good luck anyway :) x
CommentAuthorLauraF89
Oh wow Shannon, you are brave!!! Well done for your courage though, so glad it worked out for you!
Becca i think you need to tell him how you feel and maybe ask him to have a think whilst he's away about whether or not he can change a bit, tell him you are doubting your future together and that you cannot live with someone who isn't willing to start a new life together, you're all for him seeing his mum but it shouldn't be the case where you're sat at home alone whilst he's at his mums everyday. That's not a relationship, it's more like an extended friendship really. The input off his mother for your wedding isn't ideal either, it sounds to me she wants you to have the wedding she wants and you're OH is happy to go with it... You have to be strong, it's your relationship, it's your wedding, it's your future. Where does his mum come into all of those things, should she even come into those things?
He needs a good kick up the bum for sure, hopefully some time apart will do you both good so you can think things through. Tell him you want to have a proper talk when he's back (so he can have a think too whilst he's away) and write down some things you feel are upsetting you and making you feel different about it all?
Keep us updated.
xxx
October 31st 2015
I will be Mrs. Henry
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
hunni i think you know the answer to your own question ... this summed it up for me ..
".....he won't go away with me incase his mum wants him for something he also is going away with her to Wiltshire without even telling me ....."
he isn't going to change anytime soon
you need to be honest and tell him how you feel ... sometimes writing it down can be an easier way of doing this
