FREE Wedding Table Planner

+ FREE Wedding Budget Planner and more wedding planning tools

Join now free to use

Wedding Forum - Is this fair of me?...

Not signed in (Sign In)

UKbride Supermarket


* Discount available to Power Users only. Terms and conditions apply. more

  1.  
    • Moonpie
      CommentAuthorMoonpie
      Posted: Jun 27th 2014
      edited
     
    Hello,

    This is my first time posting here and I would really like some advice/your thoughts on this.

    I have 5 bridesmaids and I am on a very tight budget as I work freelance so I don't always know what my future earnings will be. Basically, earlier this year I found a bunch of matching dresses in the exact colour that I was after in the sale, they're beautiful and the sizes were all perfect for my bridesmaids, I got them there and then and figured that if the bridesmaids didn't like them I could take them back and get shop credit. The only thing is that some were long and some were short although I quite liked that as I personally think that too many bridesmaids in long dresses just looks like hundreds of material in photos and everyone gets lost in them. Anyway, only 2 of my bridesmaids came to see the dresses straight away and they both loved them, the others weren't able to come see them until it was too late to return them but they all said that they liked the photos so I kept them. Now every bridesmaid, bar one, has come to try them on and they all love them. I let them choose there and then whether or not they wanted short or long.

    Now there is just one short one left, the only thing is that the bridesmaid who is left to try it on has said from the start that she wants one of the long ones. She wears short dresses all the time on other occasions so it's not that she has a thing or anything about her legs or shape, she just wants a long one. Two of the bridesmaids who came from the start and chose long ones had said that they would be happy to also wear a short one but prefer the long.

    My issue is, the bridesmaid who has said that she wants a long one has cancelled on every single wedding-related thing that we've had planned, sometimes with just half an hour's notice. She hasn't bothered to make an effort at all, doesn't always reply to texts (about wedding or anything else) and a number of times that she has cancelled on me I have found out after that she actually had lied about her excuse and that she had cancelled to go on a date with a new guy or do something with someone else. She has done this for years and to be honest I wasn't going to ask her to be a bridesmaid at the start because of this but my mum really thought that I should because we have been through a lot together and she had asked me to be a bridesmaid when she was engaged before (although she ended up not getting married) and I ended up asking her in the vain hope that it might bring us closer together again and maybe she would start making more of an effort, which she did for the first 2-3 months, then it all went back to same as before. My fiance doesn't like her because of this; she even told me that she couldn't come to my granddad's funeral (he raised me so was more like a dad to me and I was devastated about him dying as I was also caring for my gran who had cancer so it was a really difficult time for me) because she had to work, months later she let slip that she'd actually gone shopping for her other friend's wedding. The thing is she is always so lovely and sweet when we do talk or see each other and I feel like I can't say anything, she comes across as quite vulnerable and I'm quite a strong and outspoken person so I get worried about saying anything which might upset her.

    Anyway, I feel like after all of this, she should just wear the short dress as the other bridesmaids have been there for everything and made every effort to come see the dresses when they could (2 couldn't because they live in another country and they were still able to see the dresses months before her even though she lives 20mins away). I was going to just say to her, everyone chose their dress as they came to try them on and there is just the short one left. Do you think that is ok even though 2 of the other bridesmaids would quite happily swap them? I just think that why should they not get their first choice and she does when they have done so much and made every effort and she hasn't?
  2.  
    • Velcro
      CommentAuthorVelcro
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 27th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    i think its just a case of first come first served and if you want a longer one that much, you will have to buy your own as you can't return them now. Unless one of the other girls is willing to swap, that is, but tbh, i dont see why they should.

    this is what happens when you cant keep to your plans, you end up left with what you're given!

    Members signature icon

    Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey
    *Kelbel* is my wedding twinny!
  3.  
    • VictoriaL46
      CommentAuthorVictoriaL46
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jun 27th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Okay, originally I also had 5 bridesmaids... I now have only 3. One of them was pretty much exactly how you described. In the end I realised she wasn't going to be any support to me during this and she couldn't be relied upon to help with Bridesmaids duties. This got so frustrating I ended up having to cut her out of being a bridesmaid. I won't lie, I fell back on the excuse that my OH and I couldn't afford to push for 5 BMs and I had to decide on 3 and the 3 I chose were those most capable to perform the necessary duties and be available/reliable.

    She didn't speak to me for a long while until another mutual friend said to her she was being silly considering she didn't show any actual enthusiasm about being involved anyway and now she is free to enjoy the day without stress.

    Members signature icon
    Met in Nov 2005
    Engaged 13th June 2013
    Becomes Mrs Stewart on 10th Aug 2015 Honeymoon in Florida!
    My Diary Thread: My Alice in Wonderland Wedding Diary
  4.  
    • StephHsoon2bBodkin
      CommentAuthorStephHsoon2bBodkin
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jun 27th 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Me personally wouldn't have her in your wedding.. If any of my Bridesmaids did that i would say look i think its for the best if you don't be a bridesmaid. If she doesn't care or keeps cancelling on you like you said that what 'friend' is she...

    You want Bridesmaids who want to be there..

    If you want her in the wedding then i would give her the dress that is left. She has had plenty of opportunity to help and too support you and it looks like she has thrown it back in your face xx

    Members signature icon
    Found the man of my dreams
    Getting Married on the 13th June 2015

  5.  
    • kittyh
      CommentAuthorkittyh
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jun 27th 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    i think you have been more than fair in this situation. she knew the situation with the dresses well in advance and she decided not to make the effort. thats her problem not yours. i wouldn't make a big deal of it when she eventually comes to see it/try it on just give her the remaining short dress and if she says anything then just say well this is the last one left everyone else came and chose theirs on such and such date when you couldn't make it. I can't see how she can make a fuss at this point but if she does then just tell her straight first come first served and that its done now and if she really wants to be a bridesmaid she will wear the short one...if not then...BYE!!! haha xx
  6.  
    • Moonpie
      CommentAuthorMoonpie
      Posted: Jun 27th 2014
     
    Thanks everyone. I am just going to do like you're saying and not turn it into a big deal, just 'here's the dress'. The last few weeks I had been considering asking her to come as a guest instead of a bridesmaid but I wouldn't want to lose a friend over my wedding (although, like you say Steph, she isn't really always much of a friend but when she is there she is great but she's rarely there unless it suits her). I'm seeing her later today so will see how it goes...
  7.  
    • StephHsoon2bBodkin
      CommentAuthorStephHsoon2bBodkin
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jun 27th 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Hun thats not a friend! My OH has someone like that and he knocked their friendship on the head and feels so much happier.. You want people around you that are excited and cannot wait!

    As awful as this sounds and going from what you read, be prepared for her to drop out of your wedding the last min.. Dont take what i have said personally. I just want you to have a day you have always dreamed of and have people there that love you and dont make excuses/lie about things xxx

    Members signature icon
    Found the man of my dreams
    Getting Married on the 13th June 2015

  8.  
    • Moonpie
      CommentAuthorMoonpie
      Posted: Jun 27th 2014
      edited
     
    That's actually made me laugh because that's exactly what my OH says! He doesn't think she'll end up coming, which to be honest I actually really wouldn't mind as it would probably make things easier which probably says it all.

    Don't worry, I'm not taking it personally, what you've said is exactly what I would say to someone else. I always give her the benefit of the doubt and to be honest, I know that that's what I'll do right now because I don't think our friendship is totally dead in the water yet although I can see it coming in the future where I call time on it, I guess I'm always hoping it will come back to life again because we have been through so much together, our lives have just gone in totally different directions. She's really heavily into party drugs, which I'm not at all so I avoid nights out with her now because of that, so it's only ever day time we can do things and often she'll cancel then because she's ill or on a come-down from the night before.
  9.  
    • StephHsoon2bBodkin
      CommentAuthorStephHsoon2bBodkin
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jun 27th 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    If she doesn't put the work in and you find you doing everything then see if your friendship is worth holding on too.. Weddings bring the good and the bad out in people and you will find that.. I have :) xx

    Members signature icon
    Found the man of my dreams
    Getting Married on the 13th June 2015

  10.  
    • ElizabethF49
      CommentAuthorElizabethF49
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jun 27th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    I'd see how she receives the short dress, if she kicks off about it then I'd consider dropping her, it's very difficult and I'm so glad I only have my sister as BM

    Members signature icon
    After 7 years and 11 months he proposed to me 18.10.13
    Our son is 5 years old and our world
    Getting married 15.08.15.
    Life hasnt been easy but we have each other :)
  11.  
    • CommentAuthorMrsManiatt
      Posted: Jun 27th 2014
      BadgeBadge
     
    Yeah I agree with Elizabeth, tell her she has to wear the short dress, first come first serve, she didn't make the effort and the others beat her to it. And if she kicks off tell her where to go! xxx
  12.  
    • almost a year wife!!
      CommentAuthoralmost a year wife!!
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 27th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    First come first served, if she doesn't like it, tough she drops out of being a bm x

    Members signature icon
    Ill marry my hero


  13.  
    • DonnaH39
      CommentAuthorDonnaH39
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jun 27th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    I think it sounds like your doing the right thing, tell her that's the dress, if she kicks up a fuss just tell her the others picked the other dresses when they went to see them and that you know she looks great in short dresses anyway so didn't think it would be a problem.

    I think the best thing to do is not make a big fuss, but if she does do what Steph says and drops out of the wedding at the last minute, don't let it get to you, at least you have your other friends who are there for you.




 
Enter Now