Hey.. For once in all my time on here i want to have a rant! i'm not expecting any comments as you all have your own stuff going on, i just need a vent! I am almost 3yrs into my relationship and its my first ever serious one, we have a 19month old daughter whom i adore (despite her tantrums lol) the date i joined this site is when my oh started talking marriage and how he wanted to spend forever with me, so he picked the wedding date and then asked me to crack on with the planning so we could figure out costs and set a realistic savings goal.... all this time later my oh hasn't proposed, his excuse is he don't understand why we women need engagement rings etc (i bought a cheap pretty ring the other day in the hopes to give him a nudge, he looked at it said it was "ok" and thats it, so its sitting in his bedside draw!!) and our so called savings hasn't even started! when our budget goal is 15k and according to our online savings account unless we save £400+ a month we will not make our savings target before our wedding date! and it seems like its never going to happen cos i dont work and the money i do get i provide for our daughter, and any money he gets either pays bills or gets spent on fishing equipment or fishing weekends!!..... Its difficult to sit down and talk with him cos he is stubborn and dont talk feelings or cant have a normal chat without it breaking out into a row!.... I am at such a loss as what to do, marrying him is what i want more than anything but i just feel like despite everything (his ocassional help and input with planning and telling all our famillys about our plans) that he just dont care anymore.. things have been so difficult for me with family probs, depression battles etc i just wanted something happy to look forward too (despite one or two people telling me im suffering mental abuse from him!) and instead there isnt a thing i can do :o(
xx
Tomorrow is never promised to anyone, So Dance until your
feet ache, Laugh until your side hurts,
Say I Love You to those you love
For tomorrow may never come x
CommentAuthorstressed to max b2b
we've spoke before in private and u have told me stuff, so to not say things on here im not gunna comment, so i can stay out of it havin the info i have sweetie. all im gunna say is big hugs and only u can decided what you want to do and how much u wanna put yourself threw what your goin threw xxxx
met him 25/8/97
he proposed 4/3/98
get married 21/4/12 then i will become mrs johnson
3 beautiful children together
CommentAuthorPeach
Aw hun, he may be planning something and wants to surprise you xx
CommentAuthorsarahwasabride
sorry 2 hear this hun, really hope u manage to talk to him xx
CommentAuthorTotallyLovedUp
have you written him a leter or sent him an e mail? he cant argue tot ha, he has to read it all and you can get what you wnt said to him ithout getting your words muddled. big hug huni xx
for men i think they find it hard to actaully understand that a wedding needs to be planned and saved for! i have been saving for the wedding ever since we got engaged and h2b didnt. he remotaged the flat to get money and clear his debts. we are getting married in 2 months and i can honestly say it is only in the last month that he has actually shown any interest in it what so ever and realised that we are actually doing it. he know tells me most days how he cant wait unti i am his wife and really wants to marry me. i never thought he would say things like that.
sit down with your h2b and explain how you are feeling and say a wedding takes time and money so you need to make a start to saving etc and see what his resonse is.
CommentAuthorMrsC.Wade2B
TotallyLovedUp - i wrote him a letter a while ago about his non affection showing towards me, duno if he read it cos he never said anything nor did anything change apart from one or two texts with "love you" in them and the letter where i left it dissapeared but maybe its time for a new one... I've finally applied to the council to get a place, not cos i wana leave him but cos his flat is too small and i haven't told him what i've done as i know it will start a row cos he will think i wanna leave him xx
Tomorrow is never promised to anyone, So Dance until your
feet ache, Laugh until your side hurts,
Say I Love You to those you love
For tomorrow may never come x
CommentAuthorHappilymarried Mrs G
He has said he wants to marry you, and wanted to set a date and start planning it, but without an actual proposal? I would still say you are engaged tbh (though i dont know the finer details, from STM's reply i guess theres more to this than meets the eye) Peach could be right, he could be wanting to surprise you somehow special, my h2b threw me right off before we went on holiday and he made an elebaorate thing of most awesome proposal ever on the spanis step complete with ring he had bought weeks ago! So you never know!
As far as saving and budget goes, can you really afford £400+ a month? I know that we couldnt, maybe it would be worth considering either slashing the budget or putting the date back. I think you need to discuss this with him, and if you cant talk to him without it becoming and argument is it really a marriage you want to go into before sorting that out?
Sorry if i speak out of order or am way of base, just replying with my humble opinion given what you have said. Hugs xxx
CommentAuthorClareS
You 2 need to talk honestly about your feelings and what you both want for the future. If he finds it difficult to talk about his feelings/thoughts then ask him to write them down to you and you can address the issues together. You certainly need to talk about the new flat as that could cause further problems. Big hugs at this difficult time xx
CommentAuthorluvlifejen (mrs berr
15k is a huge budget and 400 a month is alot of pressure hun cant you cut it down like blondmumma says? i couldnt have done it and we both work full time!.
you sound really deflated and unappreciated? you really need to sit down and discuss this. could you have gone for the house without realising you meant to do it? it could be a sign to yourself to shake him up and make him realise you and your little one should be priority and your feelings matter xx
soon to be Mrs Berry 26.11.2011
CommentAuthorKatie
Maybe things arnt great and being married isnt the right thing. I am detecting undertones of things generally being abit poo between the 2 of you. You need to sit down and really think about your future because life doesnt automatically get better when you are married. In fact it can make life worse because one or both of you could end up feeling trapped. I am saying this as I have been married previously and it wasnt a great marriage. I didnt really love my husband and felt trapped into the marriage in all honesty I only married him because I was pregnant. If you do love each other and your just having a down day then I think you need to make him discuss the wedding dont take no for an answer,you need to discuss what you both want to spend as 15k is a massive amount and I bet you can do it for much less. Ours is costing about 3k at the most. We will all help you to find bargains etc you just need to decide if its the right thing to do. xxx
Those who mind dont matter
Those who matter dont mind
CommentAuthorlinzi
yep, first I think you need to decide on whether you actually truly do want to marry him because you love him. And not for any other reason. Do you think you cant do any better? Do you think cause he is father to your wee one he should be the one you marry? Do you think you wont find anyone else? Do you think its just the "easy" thing or the "expected" thing to do?
Once you have decided that, then you need to get him to do the same. Tell him if the wedding is going to happen, you need to sit down and realistically talk about it. Or it just wont happen. And if he wont sit down and talk about it, then I am afraid there is your answer! tell him you cant afford the 15k budget with your current wedding date. So you either have to put date back again or lower the budget. And then tell him you WANT a ring. Not when he is ready, but now! And if he doesnt get you one, then again there is your answer.
its time for some tough questions chick! good luck xxx
I don’t repeat gossip so listen very carefully!!
Started Slimming World - 23/03/2011 - 2 Stone to lose!
Total Loss = 1 stone 7 lbs.
As at 23/11 - 3 days before the wedding.
CommentAuthorMrsC.Wade2B
Linzi - you've summed it up in one, i feel all of those things... that i can't do any better, he's my girls dad so i want him in her life, not part time like his son (which he don't do much with and its me and my family who make sure he has stuff to do, give in to his demands etc), i'm too scared to be alone, i wouldn't find anyone else who'd take me on and put up with my bagage and moods... the budget is what it is cos of venue for ceremony and recption, cars etc, he wont get married in a church or register office and isnt keen on hotels.. my mum said she would help but gives my oh £200 a month rent (her and my dad live with us as they've had a few problems that need sorting)... and i'm scared to confront him cos of the many rows we have had it always resorts in him telling me to pack my stuff and leave (knowing my family and our girl will be homeless, altho has said i wouldn't be taking out girl) and in my heart i do love him...... xx
Tomorrow is never promised to anyone, So Dance until your
feet ache, Laugh until your side hurts,
Say I Love You to those you love
For tomorrow may never come x
CommentAuthorMrsSaraParry!
Apologies if this comes across as abrupt, but I can't think of another way to word what I need to say! What concerns me the most about all this is your last comment, that you always end up rowing. I don't see how you're going to solve this situation if you can't sit down and talk like mature adults rather than screaming at each other? Arguing doesn't achieve anything other than you both getting pi$$ed at each other, getting upset and you ALWAYS end up feeling worse than you did when you started! You need to sit down with him/pin him down (whichever will be more effective! lol) and talk to him calmly, explain how you feel and insist that he talks about it. If he starts arguing, walk away until he realises you're not going to lower yourself to a slanging match and the only way to sort it is to be reasonable and talk about it xxx
CommentAuthorUnknown
claire...15k is quite a big budget and you can do a wedding on much less than that. ricky did hers on 2k i think and it looked like an amazing day.
im not getting married in a church or registry office, it is all in one place. the total of our wedding including the honeymoon is 11.5k.
To be honest i bought a lot of things from shops but if i had used the bay i could have prob done it on about 6k max. you really do need to sit down and talk about your relationship. dont just stay with someone because you wont have anywhere else to live because that isnt the case. you would find somewhere. once everything in your relationship is sorted then discuss marriage again. work out how much each thing is going to cost and work out where you can save money for example the bay for bm dresses or they buy their own etc. xx
CommentAuthorlinzi
My sister was the exact same as you, except luckily for her there was no child involved. She went on and married him (although 2 weeks before the wedding on her hen night she broke down crying saying she didnt really want to marry him, but then blamed it on drink the next day!) They lasted 2 years. And for a year of that she was sleeping with someone else. I think they only had s3x twice after they got married and constantly rowed and bickered and were not very pleasant people to be around.
and if Shaun every told me to pack my bags and leave, that is exactly what i would do and i would never come back. How dare he say that to you, even in anger. And how dare he hold that fact that he has the power to make you all homless over you too. Sorry be he sounds like a right plonker.
I think you and your parents should get down the council office and not leave until they find you somewhere. Tell them you are wanting to leave your partner but have nowhere else to go, and as soon as you finish it he will through you out. Then once you have somewhere to go, GO for a little while and give yourself breathing space. If he loves you he will understand and be waiting for you afterwards............
I don’t repeat gossip so listen very carefully!!
Started Slimming World - 23/03/2011 - 2 Stone to lose!
Total Loss = 1 stone 7 lbs.
As at 23/11 - 3 days before the wedding.
CommentAuthorstressed to max b2b
claire u need to help build your own confidence realise what your worth and what your daughters worth, realise u need to be treated with respect. For as long as your running scared about been homeless and your daughter not havin her dad then u will never improve your relationship and he will never treat u better than he is now.
i talk for both what we have spoken about and experience, u like me live with depression and low self esteme,and thats why u let him do and say the things u do.
one of two thing will wake him the hell up one:u finding another man,belive me it will hit him like a ton of bricks when he sees other men want you.(and they do despite what u think) two:for u too up and leave him and not take any of his crap, dont listen to empty promises, make him show you physically how he feels,about you and i mean over a good 6 months not a few hours,days or weeks.
as for your daughter i have to laugh why do men think that a judge will take a child from the mother for no reason???, i called davids bluff when he said this to me once, they say it to make us stay where u are,i can guarantee u a 1000000% a judge wouldnt take that child from u...., but bac to what i was goin to say.. tell him ok you can keep her im goin to my parents, when he sees you mean it he will no-way want to keep her. u think he's gunna give his freedom up?? fishing trips nights out to stay home with your daughter all day??? no he wouldnt.... thats doesnt mean he doesnt love her but he wouldnt do that again i know.
you really need to take your lil girl and move in with your parents,and have no conntact with him for a while. i know its hard i kicked david out 3 times, over a few months cause each time i let him bac to soon, but the last time i stuck to my guns and he improved when we did get bac together, dont get me wrong its not a bed of roses, we have our ups and downs everybody does,but if i wanted to live in a mine field and battle field i would have joined the army.
good luck and big hugs and u know where i am if u want a chat xxx
met him 25/8/97
he proposed 4/3/98
get married 21/4/12 then i will become mrs johnson
3 beautiful children together
CommentAuthorNishaVyas88
I want to preface this post with *massive hugs*
I don't want to sound particularly harsh but going from your posts I'd say you may need to put the wedding stuff on the backburner and deal with how he's treating you. And working on your self esteem- marrying someone because you think you won't find anyone else is not a good enough reason. Although you have said that you do love him, so I would start dealing with his flippant attitude towards you. He's clearly taking you for granted and that needs to stop.
I haven't had any experience in this area, but if you're already applying for a new place to live for the space, that's one thing you need to tell him. Make him realise that you are capable of finding somewhere to live- stop him from holding the possibility of homelessness over your head. No one has the right to do that to their partner, especially if there's a child involved. Once that's out of the way, I'd suggest talking to him again and if he suggests you move out, call his bluff! He shouldn't be threatening to throw you out every time you say something he doesn't agree with. Also, whenever you feel like screaming at him, take a deep breath and calm down. If you remain calm, he might be less likely to continue fighting if he's started it.
£15k is a completely unrealistic goal if you're relying soley on yourselves and have no existing savings- like the other ladies have said, you should be able to do it a lot cheaper. Have you told your h2b about the savings you'd need to be putting away now for your goal? That might shock him out of his need to avoid the cheaper venues.
CommentAuthorJilly17
Hi Claire, have you thought about counselling? Not just as a couple but for yourself too? Your situation is only going to change if you both want it to but you can most definately get some help with how you view yourself. For me the worst thing you could do is going through with a wedding when your relationship is not right. You and your daughter deserve so much more! xxx
CommentAuthorMrsC.Wade2B
Hey thanks for all your messages ladies, i agree with everything thats been said but its having the strong enough determination to do something, i guess i've fallen to the trap that i had things tough growing up so its become a thing in my head that "this is how its always going to be, it will never get better"... At the moment nothing can be done as he went away early hours this morning and is away untill monday (fishing trip with his dad) so i now have some breathing space to try getting my head in perspective.. I do love him despite everything because he can be a wonderful man, he never leaves me short of money for myself or our girl, he has put up with my terrible moods, and has let my family live with us for the last year (they cant go to th council bad reasoning behind it and dont wanna put it on here, but are saving for a deposit for a rented place) amongst a few other things.. its just how he's been treating me of late (mostly since we had our girl).. I think i need to write him a letter so that it saves on rows plus as he dont talk about his feelings maybe he can write something back or it may nudge him into realising we need to talk, although not sure what i should write?? xx
Jilly17, thanks hun but i know there is no way on earth he'd go counselling, he is very stubborn, he even refused docs test requirement when they were trying to find out why he keeps losing weight all the time (he is about a womens size 6 and is 30 and 5'8) but i defo think that perhaps i should go myself and see if it helps me find strength and better self esteem xx
*Virtual hugs greatly received thanks* xx
Tomorrow is never promised to anyone, So Dance until your
feet ache, Laugh until your side hurts,
Say I Love You to those you love
For tomorrow may never come x
CommentAuthorMrsC.Wade2B
Bump x
Tomorrow is never promised to anyone, So Dance until your
feet ache, Laugh until your side hurts,
Say I Love You to those you love
For tomorrow may never come x
CommentAuthorJilly17
Maybe if you write another letter Claire you ask him to read it in front of you and hope it starts a conversation or even say after he has read it that you can talk about it or he cud write back. That way you would not have the suspense of not knowing whether he has read it or not. Definately consider counselling for yourself Claire, it truly can help! xxx
CommentAuthorPaula
edited
I would also recommend you try counselling as my sister recently went for several weeks and she is a much stronger person now, also you mentioned that you have depression you should consider speaking to your doctor about treatment or change of treatment if your not feeling any better.
If you go ahead with the wedding, with regards to your 15k budget you could reduce it by speaking to the venue to see if they offer cheaper packages maybe on weekdays or a different month, consider a smaller cake but similar design, try on bay for BM dresses, cheaper invites and favours and remember to shop around.
Hope it all works out for you hun
CommentAuthorMrsC.Wade2B
Thanks Paula, i'll update you all soon on my progress xx
Tomorrow is never promised to anyone, So Dance until your
feet ache, Laugh until your side hurts,
Say I Love You to those you love
For tomorrow may never come x
CommentAuthorstressed to max b2b
whats happening claire? x
met him 25/8/97
he proposed 4/3/98
get married 21/4/12 then i will become mrs johnson
3 beautiful children together
CommentAuthorjanetx71
oh dear hun i didnt want to read and run so first of all big hugs to you i think a lot of the women on here have been through similer problems i myself am one of them i lived with a man who mentaly and in the end physicaly abused me i suffered from terrible anxiaty attacks and depression and very low self estem (terrible spelling lol ) its very hard and you say that you had a rough childhood which by your posts its obvious you dont want that for your little girl and i agree with stm to be honest i think you need to give him the biggest wake up call he has ever had in his life now i understand your parents live there as well so i would be making plans now and telling them they need to hurry up and sort something out as this situation is becoming a minefield for you once they are sorted i would pick up your daughter and go scarry i know i did it with 2 little girls just left with the clothes on our backs one day and that was it we went to a homless place and while it was rough i sat and had a little chuckle to myself that i actually did it lol and you will to hun i promise the unknown is a terrifying place but you will make it thousands of women before you have made it and thousands of women after you will make it hopefully when he sees you back in control of things he will get his but in gear and you may be able in time to sort it all out but do something hun dont just sit and hope for the best actions speak louder than words best of luck to you babe xxxxxx
CommentAuthorDW82
hi claire i know exactly how you feel, i myself was with my ex for over 7 yrs and your partner sounds alot like my ex very controlling, i too had very low self esteem and didnt think i could get anyone else i had a rough childhood and branded myself as damaged goods so why would anyone want me, i got engaged to him anfd thank god we never married, you need to be strong and decide if all the heart ache is worth it, i came to realise that i would rather spend my life alone than another minute with him, and thank god i did as im now marrying my soul mate in 12 months, it sounds like you have got a history and feel worth less but trust me you deserve someone that is going to treat you with respect ot threaten you when things dont go his way, write him a letter see what happens if it still ends up in a row and nothing changes the best thing you can do is leave him as for the wedding budget you can do it alot cheaper im doing it on a budget of 6k and that includes the honeymoon ive made my own invites and will make my own table planner ect... you can do it cheaper, but first i think you need to sort out whether their is going to be a wedding with your oh first
