me and my h2b av had a tough year,we had our daughter,then i got ill with a clot on my lung,which left me with perminant damage to my heart and lung and then we had a mis misscarriage.i guess you could say all this as left me an emotional wreck and a little stressed,thru it all my h2b as been my rock and iv felt so lucky to av him.unfortunatly tho iv learned theres 2 sides to my h2b-my lovely caring partner that i fell in love with-and-a childish nasty drunk.he doesnt have a drink problem,just enjoys the occasional night out with the lads[once a month]which is fine as i do same,but a night out to him starts at 1 in the afternoon and goes on untill 3am,he carnt handle his beer very well any more so ends up coming up and waking me up to pick a fight.he ll throw food at me,call me names and on a few occasions he s told me he s slept with someone else.the next day he s all apologetic and tells me he d never cheat on me,he loves me i just wound him up so he wanted to hurt me but as i point out when he comes home im asleep,he wakes me up to start,but again this is my fault cos he says if i ignore him he wont be able to argue with me.it has really knocked my confidence all the put downs and im finding it hard to trust him when he goes out.everytime he mentions going out we have a big row and he promises he ll come in and go straight to sleep and wont start but he does.we get on great rest of time its just when he sbeen out with his mates,iv threatened to leave him if it happens again but that doesnt seem to change anything.i really dont know what to do???

Depends what your definition of a 'drink problem' is? anyone who has a problem with their drinking,e.g. doesn't know their limits, their personality changes, promises never to do it again and does it again and again, becomes abusive, lies about the amount they have drunk.. etc etc has a drink problem.
He appears not to accept that he cannot start drinking early in the day and drink all day and be the same man who went out the door at 12.30pm. if he doesn't see his drinking is a problem, and is in denial, then all your threats are meaningless because he thinks he is doing nothing wrong and therefore doesn't need to change. Take it from one who knows. I really hope he sees the light and realises what is at stake here. Good Luck and i hope it all turns out the way you both want it. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

thanks ricky,what u said is so true.x

Personally, I couldn't marry someone that I didn't feel 100% safe and secure with. I saw too much of my mum's bad relationships as a child to put up with that kind of behaviour. I am worth more than that, as are you. Like you say, you've done nothing to deserve that treatment.
I do, however, think that Gregory'sGirl has a very good point and that councelling may work. I'd sit him down and have a really open and honest talk to him and give him that ultimatium - councelling or I'm out. You can't keep feeling like this and trust me, as you little girl gets older, she'll know exactly what's going on and it will stay with her.
It's a really tough situation and I really feel for you. Hope it all works out babe Hx

thank u,and thats my concern aswell,i love him so much if it was just about me id prob just put up with it but we v the kids to think about.x

Just a thought as well. I don't know if you have a video camera but might be an idea to have one hidden for when he has his next night out planned, so that if he does kick off when he comes up to the bedroom, it will be caught on film and it might actually get through to him how he has behaved. Does he remember everything he has done the next day? Sometimes seeing themselves in action can really hit home. But as much as I love my h2b I wouldn't stay with him if he refused to change, our 3 children deserve a happy and stress free home, and it is good that you know that you have that to think about too. xxx

Hun, don't really know what to say to this, but you have to have a serious think about what is happening and why. I had an ex once who when under the influence of drink was horrible.....at first it was name calling and making me feel inadequate (Sp) then it got physical. I spent 3 months of hiding bruises from my family and friends, saying i tripped etc!! Needless to say he got too violent one night and put me in hospital with a fractured skull.

He was always apologetic the following day, and i always believed it that a) never happen again and b) it was my fault!

When is it you are getting married? Can't see on your ticker.....xxx

It is amazing how strong you can be when it comes to your child. My 2 eldest children are from a previous relationship which was abusive. He didn't drink but he was violent and nasty and I was always on tenterhooks. But one day I looked at my 18 mth old and my 3 mth old and knew they deserved better, so told him to leave. It wasn't straightforward, but I know in my heart that I did the right thing and now I am with a man who treats me well and loves my children and the one we made together. Mothers will always do what it takes to protect their children, well most do anyway, I am sure there are some who are just devoid of any maternal feeling, but not you! :) xx

yeah,i guess its make or break.x

i meant due to lol xx

Nope I never thought he would be that way. It got to the point where I hid his chefs knives when he got home from work, he scared me that much, and when he threatened to kill our son if I didn't stop him crying I knew I had to get out or be in fear for the rest of mine and the kids lives. Am not suggesting your h2b would do anything like that, but drink is evil when consumed like that and people lose themselves. Good luck anyway, we are always here to talk to and help you. xxx

Yes i did, and i believed it was all my fault when he was hitting me, I was young and nieve. My H2B doesn't drink really, and the one time he did get drunk on Jack Daniels he was OTT on everything and scared the living daylights out of me. He wasn't being aggressive in any way shape or form, but i saw a drunken man in my home and it brought back bad memories. He now will not drink Jack Daniels as he remembered some of how he behaved and admitted it wasn't right!

Personally hun, i would postpone the wedding until you are sure that he is the one and willing to change his ways. There is nothing wrong with having a drink, i do, but i also know that if i drink too much bad memories come back and i cry at nothing, so i stopped drinking to excess.

If you need to talk it over feel free to pm me xxx

i think if he feels your threat that you will leave is empty is the reason he does not do what you have asked? this is an awful part to any relationship without being rude does your child see or hear this? like the girls have said you love him no matter what but that doesnt mean once a month he can get totally off his face and speak and do what he likes to you!! xx

sarah sweetie im goin to be blunt now ok n im really sorry if this offends u but..................

to say i know he'd never hit me is a statement thats only half true........... 4 him to throw food at u.....as far as im concerned that may as well be a fist to the face............my ex used 2 spit at me,throw things etc.........i spent so long saying he'd never actually hit me but in hindsight he was doing just that but in a very smart way......

you sounds lovely n i personally think u deserve more.........in my opinion and again i apologise if i cause offence but youve already let him get away with it babes,its already been made acceptable! he knows ur threats are empty n he gets mad wen u go on cuz he knows it will shut u up, it manipulation and unfortunately the more he's got away with it the better he's got a manipulating the situation. you deserve better.
x x

then in honesty if you feel this way why are you putting up with it? xx

u avent offended me at all,i stay because he is only like that when drunk the rest of the time he s great,which is why my mum defends him,i know that sounds like making excuses for him but i used to be the same,i used to drink and get angry and hurtfull to hide my pain and stuff i was going thru,it was my h2b s love and support that made me see i didnt need to be like this.so altho i know u are all right and that his behaviour is wrong i also dont want to walk away and give up on him if this is something that can be changed,x

hunny only he can change this.............you say he helped you but utimately short of holding a gun 2 ur head the only person who changed u is u!!! change takes time but if the initial efforts arnt put in u wont get anywhere. x x x

i'm a little bit confused on why YOUR mum is defending him? if you where my daughter i certainly wouldnt defend him!! i'd want my daughter and grandchild out of there it can start of small the violence (lets be honest thats what it is!) and can get out of control in a heart beat xx

OH hun. Thats not good at all. My H2B goes out every monday night to play darts and dont get back in till 1 in the morning. I dont mind and as soon as he's in, he get's into bed and straight to sleep.
But then some time's he mate will give him a ring asking him to go out for a few. This is what annoyes me, as it's never a few and we have 2 kids. I can say he's never spoken to me like that but he is pretty selfish and he also cant see what he is doing wrong.
He thinks that because he's worked all week he should be intitled to a night out. Yeh maby he should, but it's not fair on me, when his mate rings him then an hour later he's walking out the door leaving everything in the house for me to do. He then stresses me out cuz he says he'll be in for 10. So at half 10 I'll ring him, he's finishing his pint then coming. then I ring him again at half 11, his mate got him another pint and he couldn't say no. Then next you know he's ignoring me then a while later his phone has been turned off. He also dont get back in till 3 in the morning which makes me ever so parranoid as the last place to close in the town, does at 1 in the morning. SO where is he for the 2 hours. But he dont see my point though.

i really hope he listens and you work it out! xx

Stay strong babe. It's really tough. We'll all be thinking of you and right behind you. Let us know how it goes Hx

thank u iv took on board all ur great advice and i know i need to do whats best for my kids,if he loves me as much as he says he ll sort it otherwise our kids are better with 2 happy parents living apart than a dad who gets silly on the beer and upsets there mum.x

Hi Sarah,

I was exactly where you are now but about 7 years ago now. My ex was a lovely, kind, caring, friendly man when sober. Only problem is he wasn't sober very often. At first it was only at the weekends, and I thought I could cope if I just said this better or did this different. I was trying to change the way I was to try and stop him from having unreasonable arguments with me. Anyway it didn't work and the amount of time he was drunk increased as did his aggressive behaviour towards me. No he didn't ever hit me BEFORE we were married, he used to shove me around and push me so hard I would go from one end of the room to the other. He had me by the throat once. But hey he never hit me so it's not domestic violence right- No Wrong. It IS domestic violence, he was a big, bully. He put me down the whole time only I couldn't see it and the first time he hit me was three months after our wedding day. Being a MRS made a big difference to him. What ended it for me was when he smacked me when I was two days off giving birth to my boy. I walked out and never went back- that was my breaking point.

I would think very carefully about getting married and make conditions that you want to happen if you are to stay in this relationship. i.e. He stops drinking? or i.e. you go to therapy together, or he goes to get some anger management- and the first time he misses one or dosn't stick to it then hey leave him.

Please I'm not lecturing you- just learn from someone whose been heartbroken through a similar situation.

Take Care xx

good luck 2nite hun xx

I am a social worker and have supported families in the same situation as you. When talking to the parents they usually felt that the children didn't know..they were in bed...believe me ..they know..even very small children know there is something wrong. They say they like the good daddy but not the bad daddy..they want the bad daddy to stop. Older children describe how they want to help their mum but feel helpless and very very sad. They describe their 'drunk' parent in terms of alcohol. Alcohol defines their parent. The abused parent feels ashamed..like they instigate the abuse..the abuser says things like 'she winds me up' 'if she just kept her mouth shut!! but she can't!!' 'Comes to something when a bloke can't have a few beers with his mates after a hard weeks work'. Don't want to lecture you...but he needs to hear how his behaviour is destroying your relationship..and he has to stop..you can support him..but he may need counselling or specialist help. It is better to be on your own with your children and be safe and happy than living in dread because he is out on the beer again. The psychological torture is often worse than any physical abuse. I really hope he sees sense but you don't deserve to be treated like this especially by someone who is supposed to love you. Ask yourself 'what is love?' if your answer is' fear' ' demoralising' 'frustration' 'anger' 'feeling let down' 'lack of trust' 'regret' then yes he loves you..but i suspect that would not be your definition..love is about 'respect' 'compromise' 'honesty' 'integrity' 'affection' 'safety' 'warmth'.....i don't mean you have to agree on everything but there should be no fear involved. I truly hope he gets himself sorted for his sake he will be a very lonely man if not.