I am officially giving up! I have been stressed about my dad and his family's attendance to the wedding, and some lovely ladies on here gave me some great advice about setting boundaries etc. Well this is what I did, I added some very politely worded ground rules to the invite. Well I get a letter from my grandmother today saying that she has tried so hard to help me fix things with my dad, and that I've put her through too much and soo much stress, and she's too old, and she doesn't like who I am any more, and I've ruined what should have been a wonderful day so she and my granddad won't attend my wedding I would I kindly never contact them ever again! I'm so angry and hurt. I was the only grandchild to visit my granddad in hospital, I was the one to make my grandmother home made dishes and take the over to her to ensure she ate while he was in hospital, I'm the only one who calls, visits, gives birthday and Christmas presents, that visits for no reason other than because they care. I'm the one who had to practically beg and grovel to keep them in my life after I stopped talking to my dad, and this is what I get for setting some ground rules to my dad's attendance!! All I asked was that he keep away from my sister (at her request) and that he accept my fiancé. Not as though I asked the world. So angry, spent all day at work in tears. Then decided to text my dad and explain the rules, that my sister was sure how she would cope with him being there, and that given all the help she's been given me with the wedding it wasn't much to ask that I request this for her, and that he should accept my fiancé, well he should! If we are going to be happy family;s I have to accept his wife (which even though she hates me I've always tried to do, though apparently unsuccessfully, which I accept is something I need to fix) and he should accept my husband! I just don't see how I now this horrid person that my grandmother can't bare to have in her life!! I'm soo angry and soo upset. But I'm also exhausted. This whole thing has just worn me down. I spent so long convinced this is what I want, and the people I want my kids (one day) to know. And know I'm just thinking, really???? They clearly aren't the people I thought they were when I grew up. So what am I fighting so hard to keep/get back? I think maybe its just time I give up. I just wish I could give up and not feel I'm giving up, and that maybe they're right and I'm a disappointment and not good enough, and instead feel I'm giving up because I'm in the right. But its family, and with my family that means I'm going to feel like cr*p and awful about myself even if I'm sure I haven't done naythign wrong and deserve a break. But I won't this is probably going to eat away at me. But I don't have the energy for this anymore. Someone please tell me this gets better!!
Sorry for the long ramble. But I feel about half a cm tall, and like curling up and crying. :( The other day was such a good day too..
CommentAuthorElinor Claire
So sorry you're having such a bad time. It's rotten when other family members cause problems that you have to deal with. Maybe you need to have a week or two without dealing with invites and see how things play out.
30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.
CommentAuthorMRST2B
I really feel for you hun I hope things calm down overtime and it all works out for you. X
Back with my 1st love after 12 years apart.
Not letting go this time :) x
CommentAuthorMrsLJDeaton
I'm so sorry to read this hun wish their was more I could say but you are not in the wrong as you said your sister has helped you out so much with the wedding and you feel setting them rules for your dad was the right thing to do after all the help she has given you and still is. I know it is easier said then done but forget about the people who are causing you the pain the hurt the upset and stick to the people who Love and care for you like your sister. I Feel you shouldn't have to beg for your grandparents to stay in your life they should Love you no matter what just like your parents. Think of it this way they are missing out on the biggest day of your life and its not your fault you've tried your best DON'T FEEL YOU HAVE GIVEN UP AS YOU HAVEN'T THERE IS NOTHING MORE YOU CAN DO
Started going out 23.10.2010 met at Barnet college
Engaged 23.08.2012 In Turkey Our 1st Holiday Together
To be Mrs Lana Jocelyn Deaton on 23.10.2015 5 years the day
Jamiroquai Arthur Gordon Deaton Born 29/05/2015 My Son Jammy
CommentAuthorsarah
I'm sorry your grandmother said that to you. I agree with the others that you may need to leave it be for awhile. I hope youfind a way to sort it out.
I had the same sort of thing. My mum had left something at my grandparents, my grandparents had given me a key, i went and got what was requested, my grandparents knowing i was doing this but not telling m where it was cos i had already seen it so didnt need to ask it was a peice of paper on the coffee table with no other papers in sight.... the paper was plain with only my mums signature on it. I even left them a note reminding them i had picked it up.
well...
a few hours later i get a distressed call from my nan asking for her key back (i had had it over 2yrs!) stating that i had gone through her stuff and she felt she could no longer trust me (yet she agreed to me collecting it- left it in plain sight). anyway i said i would deliver it to her asap. I wrote a letter explaining that i am sorry she felt that way. i hadnt gone through her stuff as it was the only paper on the table, i knew exactly where it was as she had pointed it out to me the previous day. i am disappointed that she felt that way but respect her wishes and please find enclosed the key.
i drove h2b down to my grandparents and he did the delivery for me, as i did not feel up to it myself due t the circumstances. he took longer than expected as he had been invited in whilst my grandmother read the letter and typed a reply. the reply stated she was very sorry for her actions, she felt that she had failed my mum for leaving it somewhere obvious and shouldnt have taken it out on me and please find enclosed the key! a few weeks passed and i finally felt comfortable to go and visit, she couldnt have been more apologetic for her actions!
things do get better sweetheart! maybe a polite letter to explain your feelings and why you requested what you did. maybe that will help clear things up for you hun. my grandparents go through spits and spats of whether they like my h2b or not, lately (last year or so) they have liked him alot more due to somethings that have happened and how he has helped (we lost 2 members of my family at the same time & he helped get us all through it and helped with possesions etc.)
it will get better!
Find out who you are & do it on purpose!
CommentAuthorElinor Claire
Or maybe you could delegate the invitations to someone else.
30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.
CommentAuthorTori
You have tried to respect everyones wishes in your invites. If your grandparents feel that they don't want a respectful granddaughter then that is their problem. I'm sorry you will be without them on the day. Hopefully you can put their feelings to one side and enjoy your day without them xxxx
CommentAuthorLittleMissWorry
You poor thing :( As Katya suggested, maybe a short polite note explaining your reasons. Goodness knows what version they heard from your Dad. Also, let them know that you respect their wishes for you never to contact them again, and that you won't after this one letter. But say that if they change their mind and wish to contact you, then that would be okay with you.
CommentAuthorGillianE
How awful, i really feel for you. However you are not at fault here and you are not giving up either. It sounds like your grandparents have alot of deep rooted issues and unfortunately taking these out on you.
MY mum and dad split up when i was 6 and my brother 4. Every Christmas my grandad (dad's dad) would come over with the cards and presents until i was about 13. This was the only effort they ever made. If we wanted to see any of my dad's family me and my brother would travel over to see them on a Saturday all the time taking 2 buses each way most weekends. Then once we started work we didn't go as often and now we may see them once every few years. It is so sad that we are the ones to make all the effort and get nothing back in return. However it has made me realise who are important to me and i now only spend the time with the people who make the same effort back. I know it does hurt after everything you have done for them but it is there loss through their own fault and not yours.
xx
CommentAuthorAmyK
Tell your grandma what you just told us, but in a calm letter. Tell her how it is, remind her that you love her & your grandad and your relationship with their son shouldn't influence your relationship with them. I've found it hard in the past to tell older relatives exactly how I feel, somehow feeling a little bit trapped in the 'they knew me when I was a little girl, and I will always be a little girl (polite to my elders, not old enough to have an opinion etc.)' scenario. whereas in reality I am a full grown woman who doesn't have to accept that they know best - and sometimes they don't! But I guess you might feel like me that you don't want to upset them because you love them so much? Just tell it from the heart. P.s. is your dad their only child?
CommentAuthorNicoleF72
My family is very very split atm too. I'm an Australian getting married here (to a Brit) in the UK in Winter and then the following year having a ceremony back in Oz. I asked my parents to come over as I'd love my dad to walk me down the aisle, I asked mum whether to invite my brother and his (Scottish) wife, I don't really want him there but really want my sis in law and my gorgeous niece and nephew there. She told me I had to because he's my brother. Well turns out their coming because sis is using it as an excuse to see her family since shes over this way anyway. My problem is that my brother is a total sh*t stirrer and I cut him out of my life yrs ago (keep in touch with his wife though, otherwise I don't see the kiddies) My dad and him have had another major falling out resulting in my bro giving dad death threats. So now I have to try and keep them separate at my wedding (when I should be enjoying myself) when my parents, my bro and his family and my 2 best friends/bridesmaids are the only people I've invited to this wedding (the rest we've invited to the Oz one, of which only 1 person was put out that they weren't invited to this one but I sent a really well thought out email telling all my family that I will celebrate with them at the next one) I've very sternly told both of them that I won't put up with anything and I will have security remove them if they make it awkward for me or make me feel as thought I can't relax. I think you need to express how you feel, write it all down and come back to it a few days later and re-write it. This is what I did with the email I sent to all my friends and rellies explaining that 'I'm getting married and that I don't expect nor want them to go to the trouble of travelling for me' 'i'll celebrate with you all when I get back' Family can be so cruel and selfish. But it's your day! make it yours! If you really want them there, tell them but I agree in these situations ground rules are an absolute necessity!
CommentAuthorWhovianbride
I feel so much for you love, i know how you feel in reguard to always being the one in the family to make and effot and having a rubbish dad! Lucky my dads family understand that my dad has been a pretty rubbish excuse for one! I would do as the othrs have said and write to your gran whst you did to us to give her an idea how upset you are and how confused you Are asto why they seem to think you have done wrong! Give her a chsnce to fix it maybe your dad complained to her about the things you said snd made it out to be worse than it is!
Met June 2009 on my Birthday,Met again July 2009 and got
together, May 2010 Moved in,Jan 2011 got pregnant,
August 2011 Got our own place, 2011 Had our Baby Girl,
Dec 2011 Got engaged, July 2015 Getting married! Yay!
