i am not really expecting a reply to this i just really need to put down in words whats going on as it makes no sense in my head! everything has been going gr8 with h2b, the wedding and life, we finally sorted out h2b's contact with his son so all was good.
then his daughters mum phoned monday night to tell h2b that she never wants to see him again. this is the child he has brought up on his own for 13yrs! her mum left her on his mums doorstep and ran off to germany to be with her partner and to make more children! never bothered turning up to court hearings or getting in touch to see how she is etc.. about 12 months she started to see her mum of a weekend and then it became more and more contact to the point where she was there monday to friday and with her dad at weekends. any h2b said its fine i know you want to get to know your mum etc... so left it be. she was desperate for us to get married move in together and have a baby (no on the baby front we dont want any more and both girls mine and his are old enough to understand this) now she hates me, never wants to come near the house again, doesnt want to come the wedding (we were talking about hair styles last sat!), contact h2b's ex and told her she wants them to get back together and wants to see her little brother (the child we have just been to court over and sorted access for) behind his back. wants to change her surname to her mum and step dads surname and loads of other stuff
h2b and his family are devastated, i have no idea how to try and work this out, or where to start! feel like the world is crashing down around us. i have said to cancel the wedding and he should try to sort it out even move to his mums so he can have contact if it is me she doesnt want to be around.
i've been told by her auntie its her mum who is pulling the strings but i dont know as i dont know them. one thing she doesnt like is that i predict things she is going to do or i pay attention to things a little more than her mum or dad
sorry for the huge message please dont feel you need to reply i just needed somewhere to write it! xx
soon to be Mrs Berry 26.11.2011
CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
tbh i would be inclined to just do nothing .......she will find her own way and she WILL come back round ....if you both say that you understand she is old enough to make her own desicions and you door will always be open to her
oh babe I am sorry to hear whats been happening. What a vile vindictive mother she has. How dare she!! She is at that age where she is being steered in the wrong direction and doesnt realise. They are just doing it for attention. There is no way that you wil be cancelling the wedding. They just want to stir and cause upset. Just be there for h2b and listen to him when he wants to talk. Only his daughter can make the decision without others changing her mind.
Its not as if she doesnt get attention from her dad or you hey!
deep breaths.
Big hugs know where I am if you need me. xxxxxxx
Oh mitmas tree oh mitmas tree, how lovely are your branches
09/10/11 What a Fandabulous day!
CommentAuthorkimmy
If you postpone the wedding it wont do any good, her mother is now in her life and her head totally screwed, none of this is your or h2b's fault, the only thing you can do is ride it out,stay strong continue with your plans and wait for her to make up her mind, she will sort it out, one mixed up confused little girl.x
9th June 2012 when two worlds collide
The Crazy Cat Lady and the Transformer Man!
CommentAuthorUnknown
really sorry to read this but i honestly think it is the mother! it is prob hard for her the daughter when she hasnt seen her mum and now she is she wants to please her.
i know it is hard but just give it time...no ex likes their ex's new partner. h2b ex hates me but we just cope with the situation. i know it is hard but give it time and see how it goes xx
CommentAuthorSammyJo
She's 13 - she's going to do the opposite of what everyone wants anyways, and shes at the age where shes so easily influenced. I'm sure she'll come around if you don't pressure her. Hopefully the excitement of the wedding will tempt her to come around, and this is just a typical teenage phase... stay strong hun, and don't let it affect u n h2b.. xxx
Can't wait until the 14th July 2012!
CommentAuthorluvlifejen (mrs berr
thanks all for the advice i really appreciate it
she wont know anything about the wedding as she wont answer the phone or anything from us
she is collecting her clothes on sunday :( xx
soon to be Mrs Berry 26.11.2011
CommentAuthorUnknown
when she comes and collects her clothes just say that you and h2b are happy if she is happy and will always be there for her! she wont be expecting it xx
CommentAuthorluvlifejen (mrs berr
i'll be my normal self with her hun but i have a feeling she wont come it will be her mum and step dad xx
soon to be Mrs Berry 26.11.2011
CommentAuthorRachie :D
Why not write her a nice letter expressing ur feelings for her in a positive way and make sure she has written proof u both love her and it will never be too late to come back - side it in her things like a jewelry box she has so the mother won't go through it?
9th June 2012 when two worlds collide
The Crazy Cat Lady and the Transformer Man!
CommentAuthorJilly17
such a shame! Good idea from Rachel. I would also suggest mediation to find out why this has happened. I would also continue with the wedding plans as long as your h2b agrees otherwise it could be on hold forever. Hope things work out for you!
CommentAuthorKarlie1976
Big hugs babe. Wil work out in the end for sure and she will be back. ((((((((((((squidges))))))))))))
Keep your chin up xxxx
Oh mitmas tree oh mitmas tree, how lovely are your branches
09/10/11 What a Fandabulous day!
CommentAuthorXTeresainLoveX
Sounds awful what you are both going through as you have obviously been a better mum to her. I agree with the other girls, don't cancel your wedding hun. Your step daughter will be having so many confusing feelings and emotions going on right now and they do tend to take out their frustrations on those closest to them which in this case is her dad and you. Keep the door open, write the letter and just be there for her when she finally finds her way home to you again.
CommentAuthorJulie Walker x
Do you know know what, it sounds like sabotage and I get so annoyed with that! My hunny has a daughter that he hasnt seen for 2 years (shes 8 next month) and her mother told her that her dad doesn't love her and im a nasty witch and my kids are bratts blah blah blah. She is using her daughter as a pawn in a battle! She will get in touch with you when the time is right don't worry but I can understand how upset you all must be. The mother may have even got rid of her phone so there is no way to contact. Mrs Barker and Rachel have given you great ideas, write a note and hide it and tell her is she is happy then you are too, also make it clear she is welcome at your house anytime and leave it in her hands to deal with. No matter what her excuse for a mother says she will mull it over in her own time. xx
oh I do I do I dooooo!!!
oh I did I did I did!!
CommentAuthorjanetx71
ohh dear i hate these things can i ask who has custdody of this child as i would have thought it was her father that means he has more say than he thinks he does im not suggesting going and dragging her back as this would be very damaging for the child not to mention playing right into the mothers hands however i would get h2b to contact the mother stating his concerns at this total turn around in his daughters behavior and his suspicions for this at 13 children are very vulnerable and need to be protected from people who seek to harm them either mentaly of physically i think h2b should demand to speak to his daughter this can not be denied him even if it just for her to tell him to his face her reasons for not wanting to see him as if this escalates then social services and lawyers would be looking for an explanation from this child as to her decision i wouldnt cancel the wedding i wouldnt do anything as such infortunatley this is for h2b to sort xxxx
CommentAuthorluvlifejen (mrs berr
it is her dad janet her mum lost her parental right when she was 18 months old, but due to her age the judge has said she can make her own choice on where she would like to live and he also said would you have another court battle energy in it? my h2b's answer is no! he did it when she was little and just had 2 yrs of fighting to see his son (which is now excellent! his mum has given loads longgggggg story there!)
we are waiting to see what happens on sunday (this is when they are collecting her clothes) and go from there cancelling/postponing may still be on the cards as i dont want to be the person who keeps him from his daughter i couldnt live with myself if i did that i'm sure you all can understand that?
i've been sent home from work today coz i have lost my voice and i'm really run down :( so fingers crossed come next week i will be on the mend
thank you for all your advice, i'm not sure a letter would work but i will have a go at writing things down thank you :0) xx
soon to be Mrs Berry 26.11.2011
CommentAuthormadison_uk
Carry on as normal if she comes for her belongings just be friendly and say that if she ever needs anything she has a home with you and her dad, and your always there for her teenage girls are easily led, she'll realise what her mums like.
CommentAuthormcewan07
we had a similar situation. Andy brought up his daughters since they were 3, and 2 years ago (when she was 16) her mum got back in contact with her. his daughter went on to blaim him that he should have let her see her mum, etc, and her mum said everything she wanted to hear to her daughter. Finally in the end it turned out how much of a liar she is and his daughter has stopped talking to her. I know this is only a short version of what happened, and i will tell you more if you want to hear it, but i am not for stating it all on here.
Keep planning and going to the wedding, get him to tell his daughter that he will be their no matter what, even if it takes another 5 years he will be their for her, and leave her be.She will soon learn the truth unfortunately you cant push her into it, she has to learn for herself
CommentAuthorluvlifejen (mrs berr
thanks cmewan sorry you went thru it too xx
soon to be Mrs Berry 26.11.2011
CommentAuthorlisamac2266
So sorry to hear this. Teenage girls, unfortunately have a mind of their own and tend to be very strong willed at times. My eldest daughter is 16 now and she had a fall out with her dad's fiance 2 years ago. Different story in our case and thankfully it is all now sorted out and they are getting married in 2 weeks, with all my girls there and happy for them. I'm the one having problems with my eldest now which I think is an attention thing - ie she feels left out and somehow feels she's losing me to my h2b - this couldn't be further from the truth and I am trying to make time to spend with her - girly time on our own to make her feel important. Maybe your h2b could try asking to have some time with her on her own - just thinking maybe like my daughter she feels she's losing him to you? Not your fault by any means and the same goes for my h2b.
Like some of the others have said, I would just try and tell her how much you both love her and that you'll always be there for her. She will come round, I'm sure, and will realise who has been there for her all her life. As long as you are nice with her, she probably won't be expecting that as doubtless her mum will have painted you black. Hope things work out for you. I definitely wouldn't cancel though because then she will think she's won and gained the upper hand with you.
Good luck xx
CommentAuthorPuddleduck87
I was horrible to my dad at that age and I really feel terrible remembering some of the things I said, and even though I love my mother dearly I know a lot of it was her being a devil on my shoulder and putting ideas into my head.
I beleive if you try and go round its just going to either turn into a full scale row with her mother OR dad is going to come away devistated as she wouldn't come to the door.
My advice would be to get h2b to write her a letter saying how upset he is about her not wanting to see him, could they meet up and talk about it (and in my opinion I think that should just be him and her) and how much she means to him. Let her know that he wants her in his life and he is sorry for anything he may have done to upset her (even if there isn't anything). Tell her she is welcome to come round whenever she wants and that you want her to be there for your wedding day. That its never too late to change her mind and just to get back in touch.
Then just leave it. If shes not been in contact a few days before the wedding get him to give her a call and see if she got her letter and ask what she wants to do. The best thing you can do is respect her decision if she decides she doesn't want to be there and try and concentrate on the day. She won't loose touch with her dad forever, especially if all this upset is over nothing.
I didn't see my dad for over a year. Because he never stuck up for me when my ex step mum was being a cow to me (as an adult I still think it was uncalled for how she tret me but its all water under the bridge now).
She will come round eventually. She just needs to be told that he is sorry (because to a teenager even the smallest thing can be a drama), that he loves her, why he loves her (because it will make her think about it more) and that the door is open for if she changes her mind (or as we know cooled down). If she thinks thats THE appology and dad isn't going to chase her she will start to think about everything.
It may be attention seeking. Dads marrying you, are you going to replace her, are you going to want to be her new mum (her mother will be thinking the SAME thing too) Just remember shes a teenager and the more you chase the more she will run and the more you shout the louder she will scream. xxxx
CommentAuthorluvlifejen (mrs berr
thanks for the all the advice ladies xx
soon to be Mrs Berry 26.11.2011
CommentAuthormartay (marie)
before i even read the para about what auntie said, that is exactly what crossed my mind. my friend is in a similar situation, where the child is being manipulated by the mother, and my brothers ex partner is the same, and we havent seen the children for 2 years now.
IMO i would say continue with your plans because as soon as the ex realises you & h2b are not going to jump to her tune she will soon back down. she is obviously very jealous and will endeavour to try and split you both up, but if you continue to carry on although it may hurt eventually it should all come good.
good luck
xx
all ive got to give to you are these 5 words tonight
Thank you for loving me, for being my eyes when i couldnt
see. for parting my lips when i couldnt breathe
thank you for loving me xxx
