Hi all, thanks for reading,
A few weeks ago we had a chat as things were getting on top of us with parents been ill, my job at risk of redundancy, him changing his work and not liking it as much, as well as all the wedding stuff. We agreed to have a month off from wedding and just chill, and last night we had a chat again.

He said he isnt sure if he wants to be with me, i am his soulmate, and he loves me but is not in love with me. He thinks we should split up, and move on as he doesnt want to marry me and then decide, but hes not sure as we gel so well, personalities match and we have same values etc.

Obviously i am heartbroken, we have agreed to talk on friday when we are both off all day, and until then just have long hard think about what to do. We havent rowed, fallen out etc, and tbh im not sure how to deal with it and what to do...

I did ask him to think about counselling, maybe its jitters, hes been married before and it wasnt a pleasant break up ( well before my time)

He said everything he wants is so close to his grasp, but 'what if' its not right, some days he thinks its perfect, others its not....

i asked if there was anyone else, and he said not, and tbh i can tell when hes lying and hes telling the truth, i have no reason to think otherwise, he still is attentive, caring, and loving right up to our chat last night, and even then he wanted to try and comfort me.

I just dont know what to do, im on my day off today, and hes at work, do i just 'stiff upper lip' until friday, as we have agreed not to confide in anyone until after then or what?

I would appreciate any advice or thoughts ladies.

aw hun im sorry to hear this maybe is just worried if he has had a bad marriage before fingers crossed chic big hugs xxx

Like you say it could be jitters and worries after he has been married before, but then worse case scenario it could just be that its not right for him. I feel so awful for you hun. I really hope that you can sort it out. Maybe give each other a bit of space until friday. Give yourselves time to really figure out what you both want out of life, as well as your relationship, then lay it all out on the table. Do not keep any cards hidden, that way you can both be completely honest with each other.

Really make sure you listen to each other. If you have to, use the excercise where one of you speaks your problem, the other one repeats it, making sure you have been understood, then you can move onto solving it.

Its really easy when you are in a stressful situation like this to just hear part of whats going on.

It will be a really raw and emotional time, but then at least you will know that you are both making an informed and sensible decision.

Best of luck hun and I really hope it works out for you. xx

Aww hun that is not good. When you sit down and chat on friday tell him about going to go see someone. Maybe put the wedding off for a while. See if that changes things.

Thanks ladies, just feel lost :o(

It does sound like he is very confused at the moment, I'd advise you to stay calm and give him some space, no calls/texts or trying to talk until Friday.This gives him the time he needs to realise you are his world.

Sometimes u have to miss someone to really appreciate them so is there anywhere you could go, like a mates/parents? Just for a few days to let him clear his head. I understand its heartbreaking what he has said to you but peoples thoughts are clouded when things like work are rubbish.

I hope things work out for you both. x

He says he loves you enough to call you his soulmate, but then says he isn't IN love with you and isn't sure he wants to be with you....well, which one is it? Either his concept of 'soulmate' is wrong or he's not explaining himself very well. Or he's trying the 'it's not you, it's me' tactic of break-up, beating around the bush style.

Regardless of how badly his first marriage ended, it's not fair for him to propose to you and then decide he's actually not that sure with 3 months left on the clock. I'm sure it has become 'more real' as you've gotten closer to the big day but as you said, he's been there before, he understands the concept of marriage and how 'real' it is. And his previous marriage may have ended badly, but that's no reason for him to be scared of marrying you - from what you've said it wasn't you he married first time round and and he's not marrying his ex-wife again, you are different women and it's unfair of him to assume his marriage to you would end the same as his marriage to her. I'm sure he's probably in a bit of an emotional pickle but that doesn't make it alright for him to mess YOUR feelings around like this... personally I would ask him to man up, and decide either way because it's not just his feelings to consider in this, you have a say to and it's not fair on you to have this kind of emotional pressure so close to what should be one of the best days of your life.

*hugs* Hope you manage to get things sorted out, I hope for his sake and yours that it is just cold feet and he gets over it, because as much as it sucks now, he's going to hurt a lot more if he loses you, then realises he was wrong!

Thank you guys :o) going to go for a bath and get some sleep this afternoon, feel really drained, dont really have anyone that i want to confide in which is why i posted on here.

((hugs)) back to you all.

so sorry to hear you are going through this, i hope you manage to sort everything out and that you take the correct route :) x

Im really sorry that you guys are going through this, But, and you might think that my suggestion is silly - but i agree with Amy 112 but would perhaps go further.

Maybe you guys should go on a temp seporation (this doesnt mean he can go out and see other women and vise versa) but just take a couple of weeks off from each other - that should make up his mind for him.

he will either (and hopefully) realise he doesnt want to be without you, or he will realise that he was right and does not want to get married. But you should realise that if he doesnt want to get married it is better for him to say it now than after!!

I know its hard and I dont know how I would cope but be glad that he is trying to be honest with you, but dont let him play you for a fool either.

Trial seporation with conditions - followed by long discussion and honesty.
if he does decide to leave please try to focus on the positive (i know there may not seem to be much) but as i said, at least you wont be entering into a life long marriage with someone who didnt really want to commit.

You deserve to be with someone who is devoted and 100% knows his mind.

Of course after the trial seporation he may just realise everything he was feeling was silly wedding jitters and he cant live without you (hopefully this will be the outcome) sometimes you need space, time and distance to realise what you really want!

good luck. and of course we care!! x