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    • SarahT925
      Getting married in 14 months
      Posted: Feb 18th 2020
    Hi all it's my first time posting and I've really debated about whether to say this, but I am in need for some impartial advice please :)

    I am both the bride (later in 2020) and sister of the bride, my sister's wedding happening first and then mine 6 months later. We are usually really close and help each other work through our stresses. We both have young babies (1 and 18 months), and are planning our weddings on a budget. But lately as it's getting closer to her big day, she is starting to come out with things that are really selfish and if I'm being honest, her actions are making me ill with anxiety and stress!

    She has chosen two hen do options both of which are quite expensive, one costing £700 and the other one costing £200. I was very careful to explain that I couldn't do the £700 one and she was understanding, all good, but the cheaper city break because it's been perceived as cheaper has all been left until the last minute - making it not cheap at all due to massive accommodation costs. Her MOH (best friend) was supposed to organise both but I guessed this was too much for her so I stepped in to organise the city break, only for my sister to step in at the last minute and change the venue (who does this??) meaning I lose my transport booking and have to drive at an extra expense of £70. The reason IMO is ridiculous, and there has been no consultation, she is adamant that this is now the new venue. We ended up exchanging words about it, something very upsetting to me when we are usually so close.

    I think she is so fixated on the perfect day and hen dos, that she is losing sight of what else is going on in people's lives. My little girl is in hospital and her recovery coincides with the city break hen do, and I initially expressed my discomfort at being so far away from her thinking she'd understand, but she didn't at all and that's partly how I ended up being in the position of organising it because I thought well if I'm going to go, I need to rescue this situation and start getting stuff booked before the costs spiral out of control.

    It's very upsetting and humiliating to me that I potentially now can't go to both dos. All of her friends are very young with no commitments, so of course it's much easier for them to splash out on events. I have offered to take my sis shopping instead/spa day with quite a generous cash wedding present on top that I would have spent on the hen activities, but she has said No. She has also been upsetting in other ways, for example commenting on a public forum that I need a bigger bridesmaid dress (I don't!).

    Of course I need to be there for my sister's hen but she is making things really hard for me financially, and I think she is forgetting that when I have had big bashes in the past like my engagement do, I have paid for her transport to get there knowing that we live far apart and it's expensive. I am not expecting the same consideration in return, but it's been made out like I'm being tight when I am really not - I'm just going through a very difficult time financially due to my fiance losing his job, and I don't wish to argue with her.

    So my options....suck up the extra cost of the hen do, this would smooth things over and create less problems when it comes to both her wedding and my own wedding (as a friend pointed out!), but have a conversation later down the line about how her actions made me feel, or....tell her I'll come but that I feel like she needs to calm down a bit with some of the things she's saying to me....or...tell her that I hope she has a brilliant hen but I am not coming and I'll take her out just me and her another time??
    • KerriR86
      Posted: Mar 4th 2020
    Hi Sarah,

    It sounds like your sister is turning into a bridezilla!

    Does your sister know exactly how she is making you feel?
    I went through stress IBS whilst i was maid of honour, helping to plan my sister in laws wedding with her, i found it so stressful, not in a bad way, but i like to know whats going on and have everything planned, and i'm really hoping it doesn't come back when i start on full wedding planning mode for my wedding.

    People are not made of money, and to expect people to pay out that much, plus more on 2 hen do's is just ridiculous.
    Saying that, my sister in laws hen do was £800, plus spending money, we went to Corfu for a week all inclusive (half term week as she is a nursery nurse), but i spent over £1000 on the hen do with games and spending money etc, but i could afford to as i wasn't a home owner then and had no commitments, and i looked at it as an annual holiday which made the cost seem better. But if i had have been a home owner, then there is no way i would have afforded to go. She also had another hen do in this country, but i didn't go as i had already paid out a lot of money for the holiday.

    I hope she isn't expecting some expensive gift from you guys on the day? as i would explain that due to you saving for your own wedding and having lost out on money from the change in venues, plus your fiance losing his job you simply cant afford it.

    She isn't trying to out do you is she? Like she feels in competition with you, which is why she is trying to make her wedding and hen do's more extravagant?

    As hard as it may be, i would arrange a meet up in person sooner rather than later, face to face to discuss everything, as its so difficult over the phone and via text messages as things can come across the wrong way, and that way she should actually take what your saying in, and listen. As it does seem like she is only thinking of herself, and not anyone else's feelings, and you don't want to keep these feelings bubbling up inside of you, as you will get even more ill, and that's the last thing you want.

    I am surprised that your sister cant see where you're coming from, especially as she has a young child of her own.
    And to put that so publicly on a forum about your dress is a bit out of order. I don't see the problem with having to get a bigger size anyway (i know you don't have to, but even if you did).

    After you've had the conversation, hopefully she will see things differently, and then you can make your decision on what hen do you can go on, or if you just take her out for a special sister bonding day.

    Good luck with everything, and I hope your little girl is all ok and has a speedy recovery, and that your fiance finds another job soon.
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