I was asked to be my friend of 15yrs bridesmaid last year. Obviously I was so happy and honoured to be asked.
Fast forward to the present day and things are horrendous and I don’t know what to do!
The back story ..
When we were asked there was no mention of us paying, not that I’d mind contributing but nothing was said. I asked several times about what we needed to pay towards and it was always avoided. Eventually she told us all months down the line that we would actually be paying for everything ourselves and gave us the price list. With the dress, hair, make up, shoes, accessories and our accommodation it was around £500. She then wanted a fancy spa weekend away for her hen do which added on another couple of hundred. Both myself and my sister said right from the offset that we were really sorry but we just couldn’t afford all that. Myself and my husband have just purchased a house and have our bills and my husband is hoping to open his own garage this year so all our money is going in towards this. And my sister barely has £40 left over a month after her bills.
She hit the roof when I told her this and called me a terrible friend who’s made no effort and talked to me like dirt. She told me that her family won’t pay towards her wedding and we should be paying for everything she’s asked for so she has her dream wedding. She eventually apologised for how she had reacted and said she’d try and work it all to a cheaper budget we could all afford. This never happened!
New Year’s Eve we get a text telling us she’s found a dress she wants us to have and we are to buy it end of as she won’t be looking at any other dresses. It’s £50 over the original budget. When I explained that I just can’t afford it I got a extremely shirty message back saying how she’s withdrawing her offer and both myself and my sister are no longer welcome as bridesmaids. How we’ve both ruined this whole experience for her and have complained about everything! The things mentioned above are the only things we said about not affording and I said I was happy to step down as bridesmaid but she said she wanted me as one and was happy to work to the lower budget. We haven’t once complained about anything else.
Obviously I was extremely upset as out of all the wedding party it was me that was constantly posting in the bridesmaid group, I spent hours searching for shoes, dresses and ideas for everyone to look at. I then spent hours finding her a great spa hen do package which I then paid for in full as the deal was about to end and everyone was going to pay for after Xmas. which she has now point blank refused to pay towards so I’m stuck with £400 on my credit card!)
Next thing I have her fiancé sending me shirty messages telling me how disgusting I am and it’s all about my friend and it’s her wedding not mine. That I’ve made her change everything and ruined it for her!! He went on to say that if I was any friend money would be no object!
We are now not on talking terms at all. I don’t even know what to say or do I’m gobsmacked at how she’s behaved. She’s happy to throw away 15yrs of friendship all because we couldn’t quite afford everything.
I’ve been married a few years now and know it’s stressful planning a wedding but I’ve done nothing but try and help her through everything. I’ve never complained about anything just that I simply can’t afford what she’s asking and I was upfront and honest about that from the start.
How would you deal with this? Do I attempt to work it out or walk away?
CommentAuthorMelB888
It doesn’t sound like your friend has been particularly understanding of your financial situation and also maybe there has been some breakdown in communication along the lines as her response seems out of proportion based on what you have said. If I was in your position, I would also be devastated and I think it would be hard to overcome that kind of argument and put it behind me. I guess at the moment you’re left in the dark about her intentions moving forward for the big day. Maybe once you have both had a couple of days you could suggest meeting for a coffee to hear why she feels the way she does and so you can get your point across as well as you have above. Best of luck with this and I hope it gets resolved for you soon x
CommentAuthorBethW448
Hope this is already worked itself out by now but in case it hasn't I think a 15 year friendship is worth much more than whether you attend her wedding as a bridesmaid or even at all. A point to consider is how much of the conversation has gone on by text. Tone does not come across in a text, and for that reason can lead to many misunderstandings. If you've both had some time, it may be worth approaching her and asking to meet for a coffee. She's unlikely to change her mind, and at this point, there may be no benefit in trying to broach that. Just leave the door open and say, whatever she chooses you wish her all the best.
CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
Oh Hun I'm so sorry this has happened , sometimes brides get so wrapped up in what they want ,that thought of anyone else's situation can't seem to filter in.she needs to workout what is more important to have you by her side or for you to be in a dress you can't afford.
My advice would be to write he a letter.. not an email or txt as they can be deleted in fit of temper
" Dear ...........
I'm so sorry for all that has happened over the last few weeks, I love you dearly and I want you to have the wedding of your dreams ,however I really can't afford what you are asking me to payout,it's just not feasible . I'm more than happy to do all the research on your behalf to find cheaper dresses in your chosen colours etc ,but this has to be your choice .
Please remember above all else the only important factor of your day is that you are marrying the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, this is the thing that carry's on... everything else , what bridesmaids wear,favours etc are just fluff & will not affect your happiness in future years.
I do love you but if I don't hear from you I will be sad but will respect your decision to end our friendship "
This then puts the ball firmly in her court and you can walk away knowing you tried
Oh Jeez!! Sorry to hear this. I mean if it was me, personally i would tell her as much as I would be happy to spend the money on her, i just dont have it. However, if we could compromise on it and i could pay half and she the other. However sometimes its way easier said than done. You cant do anything but try and if she doesn't accept that, then that's her issue. In the bigger picture, she will end up regretting it. Shes probably just stressed with the planning the wedding but hopefully she realises before it's too late and you can compromise on something. Let us know how it goes! xxx
