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Wedding Forum - HELP! In-Laws and Venue.....

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  1.  
    • Super4ac
      CommentAuthorSuper4ac
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Apr 22nd 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Hi all! I don't know what to do at the moment..

    Background: I'm originally from UK and all my family is English. My parents and sis and I moved to Ireland when I was young, so I basically grew up in Ireland. OH is Irish with all Irish family. So my immediate family and his extended family are in Ireland, while my extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) are in UK.
    So me and OH moved to UK 6 months ago, for me to do a masters and for him to work.


    We're getting married in 2017 (July ish), and we had just about settled on venue (have one more to see), and were beginning to think about deposits and plans and things to do on the day and all the little bits and pieces! We decided to get married in the UK as his family are more able to travel than mine, and it would be too difficult to organise a wedding from a different country (I don't like the idea of being so far away - I may be a little bit of a control freak!)

    So we basically had set in our minds what was going to happen, until I got a call from the in-laws just half an hour ago!

    They've essentially offered to pay for the wedding package (venue hire, catering, reception) up to about 70quid a head for 110ish people.. If we have the wedding in Ireland!
    It's nothing to do with them wanting us to get married there, it's for tax reasons - they can claim back for expenses from ireland but not from England (or something like that I don't know).

    So for that price we could have an amazing wedding - the packages and deals are a lot better in Ireland for weddings than here, you get a lot more bang for your buck and you don't pay the ridiculous venue hire charges you often pay here in the UK.

    We're now stuck as to what to do, as we were perfectly happy with getting married here and were pretty much set on it. Part of the reason for doing it here was that there's a lot more choice of venues and different things you can do (our ceremony was gonna be in a museum!), whereas in Ireland it's gonna be a hotel wedding start to finish, same as every other hotel wedding...
    Also our wedding was to be quite modern and quirky and relaxed - I don't feel like we'd get that with the venues in Ireland.
    We would also more than likely have to push the wedding back by a year - the first chance we'd have to view and book venues would be June of this year - barely a year out! Availability would become an issue (which it isn't in the UK for the venues we've seen).

    I don't know what to do.. It would be easier for 90% of our guests to come, and it would take a hell of a lot of pressure off us financially (as I mentioned I'm a student, and OH has just started a new job so things are a bit rocky). We would manage money-wise, as the venues we've looked at are very low-cost (cos they aren't hotels/exclusive venues).

    In-laws did say several times we're absolutely free to refuse their offer, if we wanted to do it in the UK it's absolutely no issue at all and they won't be offended.

    Me and OH both feel awful for feeling gutted over their offer - we feel like they've thrown a spanner in the works when we were just getting ourselves organised and ready to go! We don't know what to do....

    Would normally thrash out with my sis/mom but they're very private about financial stuff so I'd feel bad about talking about it to my family. So you lot get to hear it instead lol!

    Don't feel you have to give advice, I know this is something we need to sort ourselves - just needed to rant!
  2.  
    • StephanieM158
      CommentAuthorStephanieM158
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Apr 23rd 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Personally I ahte the people who offer to do things finacially just so you so thinsg their way.
    It sounds to me like you and your OH had your mind set on something, if you were happy to pay in the first place then just politely decline their offer and go ahead as normal.
    You can never mourn what you never had and all that.

    I have been obsessed with not upsetting people that ive had to fork out an extra £1000 on people who weren't even invited because people have complained. So take my advice and do what YOU want to do do and not what they want!! You never know they may offer you a small lump sump just to help you out.
    I really dont think you need to let it bother you.... its kind for them to offer. :-)

    Members signature icon
    Met 2004
    Engaged 2014
    Getting Married 2016
  3.  
    • Super4ac
      CommentAuthorSuper4ac
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Apr 23rd 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Thanks Stephanie, it makes me feel better to know that we're not the only ones feeling put out about a generous offer! Looking a gift horse in the mouth and that. I think overnight I've settled on the fact that I don't really want to do it in Ireland. I'll have a chat with OH today and hopefully we'll come to an agreement :)

    Maybe we could suggest that if they still wanted to help even if we had it in the UK, they could help us out with the deposit or registrar as those are the most immediate things that need paying, and those are the only thing's we'd really struggle with (OH's first pay check, there's a backlog of bills to go out!!). Would be a LOT less money than they originally offered but they'd still get to help out as their wedding gift.
  4.  
    • Emmilou82
      CommentAuthorEmmilou82
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Apr 23rd 2016
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Hmmmm, difficult.

    I personally don't like the thought that they have offered money but have said it has to be in Ireland. I appreciate the financial reasoning behind it but it's not their decision to make. It is your day and you guys need to choose where!

    It's a fantastic offer and extremely kind of them but I would personally decline.... Like Stephanie has said, you won't miss what you never had!!

    Good luck with your decision, remember, there is no wrong or right answer. It's what works for you and your OH xx

    Members signature icon
    Marrying 'The One' on 30th July 2016
    I am now Mrs Emma Stokoe xx

  5.  
    • StephanieM158
      CommentAuthorStephanieM158
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Apr 23rd 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    I dont see why they wouldnt offer that, you could even pay for their hotel room when they come over for the big day. :-)
    My mum wasn't able to offer anything but she has paid for my wedding dress and will bepaying the DJ on the day, it's two huge costs off my mind so I'm happy. :-)

    Members signature icon
    Met 2004
    Engaged 2014
    Getting Married 2016
  6.  
    • Emmilou82
      CommentAuthorEmmilou82
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Apr 23rd 2016
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    That's it isn't it.... It's not how much that counts, it's the gesture and any form of offer to help that counts.

    Members signature icon
    Marrying 'The One' on 30th July 2016
    I am now Mrs Emma Stokoe xx

  7.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Apr 23rd 2016
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Ultimately you need to go with your heart. It sounds like you have a wedding in mind that you really want, and that if you do it in Ireland you will have to sacrifice some of what you want. I can see why they've done what they've done, but really I think they should have just offered the money to you to do what you need with. If you have your heart set on the wedding that you've started planning then stick with it.

    Members signature icon
    30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
    It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.

  8.  
    • DanielleS0709
      CommentAuthorDanielleS0709
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Apr 23rd 2016
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    What part of Ireland is it? There are some stunning settings but if you have your heart set on the UK that's what I'd do.

    Members signature icon
    21st May 2016 xxx


  9.  
    • Super4ac
      CommentAuthorSuper4ac
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Apr 23rd 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
      edited
     
    Just spoke to the MIL2B and told her as much as we appreciate the kind offer, we'd prefer to have our wedding here in the U.K.! She was absolutely fine with it, but I get the feeling that was the only offer of help they were prepared to give - so we're probably on our own financially. This makes me think that the offer was more to do with getting us to marry in Ireland than was put across!! But I could be wrong, who knows really. I'm just glad to be back on track and moving forward with the original plans :)

    Thanks all for helping me feel less like an ungrateful cow lol :)
  10.  
    • StephH96
      CommentAuthorStephH96
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Apr 23rd 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Hey Super4ac.
    Glad you've settled on a UK wedding - I would have said to follow your heart.

    I've mentioned this before recently but people shouldn't give things and expect something in return. IE You shouldn't give gifts with strings attached so if you ever receive them be wary of accepting.
  11.  
    • Super4ac
      CommentAuthorSuper4ac
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Apr 27th 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Quick update on this if anybody's interested - a few days after we chatted, the in-laws offered to help us still with the UK wedding :) They just can't help as much as they would have been able to if we'd have gone for Ireland.

    I feel bad for jumping to conclusions about their motive for offering help - but they have been known to do such things before. 'We'll do this for you, IF you do it our way' basically.

    All's well now anyway and plans are going ahead full steam as before, but with a bigger chunk of change in our pockets ;)
  12.  
    • Emily17
      CommentAuthorEmily17
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Apr 27th 2016
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Super, that is fantastic. Really good that they are still offering help and a good understanding between you both with how much they can offer. Hopefully you can still get your dream venue for all. :)

    Members signature icon
    Met in 2009
    He proposed Jan 2014
    Will become Mrs P 7th October 2017
  13.  
    • StephH96
      CommentAuthorStephH96
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Apr 27th 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    That's great news, hope it all goes ok for you x
  14.  
    • SusanM34
      CommentAuthorSusanM34
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Apr 27th 2016
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Brilliant news! X

    Members signature icon
    Became Mrs Maunders on 22nd October 2016!


  15.  
    • Emmilou82
      CommentAuthorEmmilou82
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Apr 28th 2016
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Thats great news xx

    Members signature icon
    Marrying 'The One' on 30th July 2016
    I am now Mrs Emma Stokoe xx

  16.  
    • Shellbell
      CommentAuthorShellbell
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Apr 28th 2016
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    That's great news xx

    Met 2004 lost contact after a few years
    Met again 2013
    Engaged July 6th 2016
    Married July 14th 2018
  17.  
    • FayeH
      CommentAuthorFayeH
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Apr 29th 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Great news, fantastic!!
  18.  
    • LeanneR0186
      CommentAuthorLeanneR0186
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Apr 29th 2016
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Thats great news.

    We are getting married in Northern Ireland, its not all bad lol xx

    Members signature icon
    The Richardson's 31/12/16


 
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