I've just found this out & I'm thinking that it would be best for everyone if she steps down, but she still wants to do it! I don't want to hurt her feelings but as my wedding is 200 miles from where she lives I'm really concerned that when the time comes she'll be too knackered to do it. I think it will be too much.
I have to make a decision quick as dresses are already on order so if she's not going to be BM I need to cancel dress ASAP to avoid losing money. I'm over the moon for her but the last thing I want to do is upset her as this should be a happy time.
Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated xx
CommentAuthorLinzi-jo
edited
I would tell her not to do it hun. For all you know she could have him late and be in hospital on your wedding day! Just tell her that the due date is too close to the wedding and that you are gutted she wont be one but it is for the best. Plus if she is late having the baby she wouldnt want to be 200 miles away from the hospital and her midwife! And if it is born on time there is no guarantee it will be naturally, so it might actually be physically impossible for her to do if she needs a C-section. Also, if she has had it on time is it really fair to have a baby who is only a week old at your wedding? What happens if it is crying for a feed whie you are saying your vows? Really she should understand as I'm sure if the tables were turned she would feel the same way xxx
Got together 14.02.2008
Got engaged 31.12.2010
Will become a Mrs on 30.08.2014 xxxxxx
CommentAuthorMrs P*R*C*2013
Thanks Linzi, she made me feel guilty for suggesting she step down but as you quite rightly point out there are so many pitfalls.
I think I just needed someone to tell me I'm right to tell her not to do it.
Thanks hun xx
CommentAuthormadison_uk
i think that she's just excited about the baby shes not thought about what she will be like in 8 months or the implications of being pregnant, just say to her that you're worried and that are dropping her from being a bridesmaid as you have to cancel the dress which won't fit her in 8 months or you will lose money
CommentAuthorVintageChic
I think you're within your rights if her due dates is so close to gently suggest she steps down but make sure she still knows it would mean a lot for her to be there IF she can make it.
Linzi made a lot of good points that you should maybe make to her. It would be a different story maybe if she lived closer but maybe its all sinking in and she doesnt realise the seriousness of what will be happening around that time.
As for the dress as harsh as it sounds I would go ahead and cancel anyway. If she was 8 days overdue, her belly will be huge, if shes had baba she's going to be slimmer but may still be retaining a fair bit of baby weight. You just dont know what size of dress you're going to need for her so there's another reason to make the situation difficult.
She really does need to see sense and step down i think. I know that might sound harsh on her but i'm due my baby any minute and honestly even though I've done it all before I could not imagine a day in the near future where i would be up to even attending a wedding let alone take a major role in one due to the exhaustion. She also needs to think about (as sods law often goes) what happens if she goes into labour AT the wedding? Is she willing to give birth at another hospital that she's not been familiarised with due to antenatal classes?
I think as shes only just found out she wont be thinking that far ahead, wont have read books then thought of various situations etc and maybe needs her time to actually come to her senses
A suggestion actually as to how she can still be involved even if she cant make the wedding... have a second "quiet" hen do that you could combine with her into a baby shower spa day with a mum-to-be massage for her etc
if that was something you fancied doing suggesting it to her might make her see youre not asking her to step down to be mean and you're actually thinking of ways to keep her involved?
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthorKaren22
What if she's a week late??
Could she not buy a maxi dress in your wedding colours and if she's up to it then she'd still be in your colour scheme. If not (and she probably won't be) then at least you won't have spent a lot of money on a bridesmaids dress she's unlikely to wear... xxx
Mrs Gill
24th August 2013
CommentAuthorMrs P*R*C*2013
I've just spoken to her & reiterated that I'm concerned for her. I told her I would still love for her to be there & if at all possible I will make sure she is.
She's very upset, but I think it's all the emotions of a surprise pregnancy. I feel awful as I'm harping on about me, when this is about her, but I have to think about practicalities & I really don't want a spare dress that I've brought with nobody to wear it. I will be ringing the bridal shop on Monday, I just hope she realises that I'm doing this for the best.
Thanks for the hen doo suggestion I will brooch that subject in a few days when everyone's calmer.
Thanks ladies xx
CommentAuthorVintageChic
She'll come round and realise you're concerned about HER not the practicalities of your wedding. Like you say probably just the emotions. Pregnant ladies can be verrrrrrrry hormonal hehe
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthorSam
edited
I think there is a good chance she's upset because you're suggesting she shouldn't be a bridesmaid. I don't know when it became OK to sack & demote bridesmaids, but I for one think it's a terrible idea. Unless she's done something terrible, I wouldn't recommend it. Sacking a bridesmaid generally leads to the end of the friendship. By all means cancel the dress and order a maternity one. Make contingency plans if she isn't available on the day. She may not be able to throw herself full on into helping you plan, but I don't see why she can't be there to support you on the day. Isn't that why you chose her in the first place? Remember why you chose her to be a bridesmaid. Think about why you want her there with you, supporting you on the day. A lot of things could happen between now and then, make a contingency plan and move on.
CommentAuthorMrs P*R*C*2013
She IS upset because I'm suggesting that it might be in HER best interests to step down, but I want her to realise its her I'm thinking about. I'd like to reiterate that I'm only laying her options out to her & haven't sacked her, that's why I needed some advice from you ladies.
If she can be at the wedding in any capacity I will be happy I just think it may be problematic for her as I'm getting married so far away.
The last thing I want to do is lose a close friend, it's an awkward situation xx
CommentAuthorSam
edited
If she wants to do it then I think you should let her. You both could work on a plan of what can be done if she's late, early, the due date is wrong, etc. Pregnancy is not a disease. It's a normal part of life and I think that thinking that all women are just hormonal wrecks during the whole process isn't very helpful. In the end you'll do whatever you decide. But think about how you'd feel if someone told you want you are and are not capable of. No matter how caring a place they're coming from it never feels nice to be told what you can and cannot do.
I've been thinking about this more and I agree that more than likely she will not be able to attend but there is still a chance that she will be up for it. However, the tactful thing to do would be to plan around the pregnancy than to say she can't do it at all. I would definitely cancel the dress and look into maternity styles that can be purchased closer to the day. She may decide in a couple months that she won't be able to do it, but that should be her decision.
CommentAuthorNicholaP44
I think u need 2 speak 2 her again, face to face and really compromise. I think by then she maybe too fed up 2 do mch.lol joke! No really Im sure she maybe fine 2 do it, but as every1 knows, babys come wen they r ready and it may actually be on ur wedding day!!
Marrying "the 1" on 4th Oct 2013
CommentAuthorLauraJo87
I can definately see your concerns, however, I can see why she is upset, too.
Getting a fitted dress is going to be impossible, I'd go for a maxi style dress, as she may still have a huge bump and if not will have the baby weight. Could you maybe ask her to be part of your day in another way, do a reading or something and have a 'backup' in case she doesn't make it.
Is this her first pregnancy? If it is, she might be seriously underestimating how uncomfortable she will feel closer to the time.
That said, I ink you need to let her know your concerns, then leave it up to her. Cancel the dress, as if it's fitted she won't be able to wear it on the day, and look at alternative dresses xx
My Beating Heart Belongs To You
30 August 2013
The First Day Of My Happily Ever After
CommentAuthorlizzylou
Cancel the dress - because you won't get her in a dress that is the same as the others surely when she is that pregnant. As some one else has said - get her to choose something co-ordinating that she can wear and be bridesmaids in but won't be wasted if she can't do it. I doubt she will do it because come the time she'll realise how far away she will be if she does go into labour, once she's worked things like her birth plan - where she will have it etc she won't want to risk changing from that. I think she'd be foolish to travel so far that near to the birth. xx
Lizzy. x
CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
could you suggest that if she able to attend that she make a speech for you... that way it will be a special thing for you both and if she doent make no one will be the wiser
Hi hun, I can understand what you are going through. My chief bridesmaid came to me a couple of months ago to say that she was going to be trying to get pregnant in November (my wedding is in May!) Although maybe not as complicated scenario as you, I was maybe a bit selfish and though "eh? Why are you doing that, when is my big day?!" And "couldn't you have just waited 6 months!" But, as it does, life goes on and not everyone has to stop why theyre doing and planning in their lives, because its your big day! Also, no matter how close your friends are, everyone is different and has different views/morals. If I were you, knowing that the baby is due as close to your wedding day as it is, I would have a chat with her and just explain you would like her to concentrate on her plans more than yours an think its in everybodies best interests that's she doesn't do the bridesmaid role. At the end of the day, it's great that she's pregnant, but it's not about her....it's about YOU! It's your BIG day and no one is allowed to take that away from you hun. Hope it all works out xx
Got together 10/11/08...Engaged 25/11/11...
I become Mrs G on 25th May 2013...
...the other exciting parts will follow!
CommentAuthorTasha_Q2B
My BMs are wearing fitted style dresses but saying that if any of them got pregnant whatever there due date was i would say to them you can still be a bridesmaid if your up to it but will have to purchase your own dress in the same colour. In my opinion my BMs mean the world to me and i chose them for that reason and if they got pregnant i would be delighted for them!! I can see where your coming from though as the dates are quite close but i think you need to speak to her properly about the different possibilities, ie maternity dress, maxi dress or doing a speech instead?? xx
CommentAuthorEleanorR
The dress isn't going to fit her if she has only had the baby a week ago, and she probably won't be up to wearing it anyway. I have a month old and me and my friends are still wearing maternity clothes for comfort sometimes, and hadn't tried on our pre-pregnancy clothes for at least a month after they were born! Like someone else said, I would look at getting a maternity dress that compliments the colour scheme and she can use when pregnant. Then if she is up to coming whether she' had the baby or not she can do. I wouldn't be concerned at having a week old baby there because they mostly just sleep all day at that age, and they ask for food silently a long time before they start crying so as long as the baby's with her you're unlikely to have any crying at all.
She has to recognise there's a good chance she won't be able to make it but that might not occur to her until she's much further along! She could be in labour on the day, or if she's anything like me barely be able to walk because she's so weak after the birth. But taking away the option seems a bit harsh. Just don't give her any roles to do that can't be given to anyone else at short notice. So I would let her know you're concerned about her, she shouldn't feel any pressure to come because you now how hard it will be, but of course she can be a bridemaids if she feels up to it. Get her a maternity dress she can use for the wedding if she comes as a baby shower type gift once she gets a bump, and be as supportive as you can.
CommentAuthoralmost a year wife!!
edited
id cancel her dress and (if this sounds harsh i dont mean it to) you cant plan YOUR WEDDING around a pregnant friend, sorry but its just not possible! If she is able to come give her a reading or something to do that way shes still kindve involved and someone can step in if shes not able to come... yes be supportive TO A POINT but it is the only day we are "allowed" to be selfish... just because shes pregnant doesnt mean u have to tip-toe around her... as someone has already said "pregnancy is not a disease"... Youve already discussed your feelings with her she will deal with it and realise your being a friend to her, shes prob just hormonal...besides if u get the dress and shes not able to take part your moneys gone! plus r u ok with a week old baby there? just me but thats my worst nightmare! hope it works out for u chick! x
Ill marry my hero
CommentAuthorMrsLane2Be
I would cancel the dress too, I have been there, I hadn't gotten as far in the process, but I got really excited when I got engaged and asked someone to be a bridesmaid who shouldn't have been. I also hadn't thought about the money as I'd asked 5 ladies and I really couldn't afford it. I have now ended up with 3, my sister, my OH's sister and my best friend and couldn't be happier.
My friend was really understanding and we still get along OK. But then again we hadn't actually ordered the dresses at this point.
I would recommend other B2B's to think carefully about your bridesmaids and not ask them until you're sure. It would be best not to ask until nearer the time also, but this isn't possible due to buying dresses, organising a hen do etc.
Hope this helps!
Marrying the love of my life...
...Will mean that I become..
...Jessica Kathryn Lane!
xx 22/06/2013 xx
CommentAuthorKerrieM47
You have had some good advice so just wanted to say that I hope you and your friend have been able to resove in a way that keeps you both happy x
CommentAuthorTatty
I honestly wouldn't cancel her dress, what I would do is not give her anything to do on the day so even if she can't stand at the front with everyone she still feels part of the bridal party x
Love: A wildly misunderstood, although highly desirable,
malfunction of the heart.
37 Pounds down, 22 pounds to go! I will be a skinny bride!
28th March 2014 will be the day I marry my best friend.
CommentAuthorAmyK
How about you involve her another way, by asking her to a witness, for example? It'd be easy to find a last minute replacement if necessary (don't tell her you ave a plan B though). Then at least she's still part of your day without worrying about fitting in with the rest of the bridesmaids x
