For the last few weeks I've noticed my h2b has been really off with me, snappy, cold and just not himself. Anyway he went away to Portugal on his stag and came home last Tuesday. They had a amazing time and I thought that would bring him home in a better mood but instead he was worse. He hasn't come near me at all since he's been back and had been doing whatever he can to avoid me. I tried to talk to him several times and have been in tears but he just gets angry until finally last night he admitted he hasnt been feeling right.
I Asked him if it was just pre wedding nerves as I experienced these myself very badly around Xmas time but they soon disappeared again. He said he dosent know how he feels, he can't tell if its just nerves or more and he dosent know what I can do to help. I know the best thing is to give him space which I am doing but I feel heartbroken. I cannot eat or sleep or concentrate at work. To make it worse our wedding is only 6 weeks away and there's still so much to do but at the moment obviously I'm reluctant to sort any more out as he's unsure. To make it worse my local hen do is this Saturday and I can't see myself going on that with everything up in the air like it is. He did give me a kiss and told me he loved me when I left for work today which he hasn't done in a while so this has confused me more! Sorry to rant but I don't know what to do! Please help! :(
CommentAuthorKirstenD30
Aww I feel awful for you. Hopefully this is just pre wedding jitters with the big day being so close. Keep planning and go and enjoy your hen do. You'll regret it if you don't go. Try explaining to him that you need his help with planning the last bits of the wedding as its only a few weeks away. It's not fair him being like this with you. I understand its a huge commitment and its very daunting but it doesn't help if he's being dry with you :(. Hopefully he'll come round sooner rather than later and you's can enjoy one of the biggest days of your life! X
CommentAuthorSonya
Aw this must be making you sick with worry but I would say if he gave you a kiss this morning and told you he loves you then it is more than likely just pre wedding jitters.
Why don't you suggest going on a date together this week some time and banning all wedding talk? Just go out and enjoy yourselves like you used to before wedding planning took over the world? Remind yourselves why you're doing this in the first place.
Became Mrs Mulholland on September 12th 2014!!!
CommentAuthorKirstyM3690
Weddings r so stressful.. I would both take some time out focus on each other.. And remember the wedding is what u both want.. Xxx
Yay..Soon Be Mrs Castle
3rd july 2013
Cyprus
CommentAuthorbumblebumble
Oh hun - You poor thing.
I agree with Kirsten. Go and enjoy your hen do. Let your hair down and try to take your mind off it. Maybe do little things that still give him space so you're not suffocating him but that let him know your the one for him 100%.
I swear my h2b has a hormonal period every month and around that time I realise how simple men can be! His favourite tea or running him a bath or telling him to go out with his friends can make all the difference. I hope you get it sorted doll. How awful :( xxxxxx
Lol bambi_bride. All men are like that. They get worse PMS than we do hahaha. But definitely also take sonya's advice and go on a date and ban all wedding chat. Just a night for the 2 of you. Nothing else x
CommentAuthorbumblebumble
Amen to that!!
Yeah date nights are always good!! :) xxxx
x Keeley x
CommentAuthorRachaelH78
Im not sure if he'll want to do that, as i said hes avoiding me as much as he can at the moment and if he needs space im worried trying to arrange a date night will make things worse. I knew when i had pre wedding jitters that i felt pressured because of time and that was at xmas, so i can imagine its much worse for him with 6 weeks to go! He said he thinks its been triggered from me having jitters as before he never had a doubt in his mind and when i did it changed his perception of our relationship. If he has had them that long though its not a good sign. I dont want to pressure him in deciding what he wants to do but I cant leave it much longer as i need to know whether to continue planning or start cancelling :( This is the worst i've ever felt!
CommentAuthorKirstyM3690
Awww Hun, can u or him maybe have some alone time for a few days.. R u living together maybe one of u stay out for a few nights don't focus so much on the wedding focus on ur relationship.. Although u wanna give him time you also have to no for ur self what's happening maybe talk about it and give each other a few days space.. I hope you get this sorted Hun xx
Yay..Soon Be Mrs Castle
3rd july 2013
Cyprus
CommentAuthorRachaelH78
edited
Ive tried suggesting he speaks to my brother in law as he had pre wedding nerves too, maybe a man's opinion would help. It's made worse by the fact his best man (his cousin) and his wife split over the weekend. Ive tried to explain its normal to have wedding nerves and i understand he just needs to be honest with me and tell me how hes feeling but he's not one for doing this and if i probe too much he gets angry. Going out of my mind! Will not try to contact him today, just give him space and see how he is this evening. Do you guys reckon i should act normal like nothings wrong, be extra nice or be a bit distant and give him space? No clue!
CommentAuthorSonya
I think you should act normal as it sounds like doing anything else kind of makes him worse. Also going back to the date thing could you not suggest it and tell him it's nothing to do with the wedding or how he's feeling and just that you feel with everything going on at the mo you think it would be nice to just spend time together without the pressure of talking about the wedding or how you/he is feeling?
Became Mrs Mulholland on September 12th 2014!!!
CommentAuthorRachaelH78
Thanks for the advice guys. I'll see how he is tonight. Will act normal but will also try and give him space too, i.e not contact him during the days when were at work unless he tries to contact me first etc and not probe him on how he's feeling. Will also try and approach the date night thing but with little money he will probably just say we cant afford to! xx
CommentAuthorMrsMoran
Awww hun how awful for you :-( the date thing sounds a good idea hun, and definitely act normal. Hope all goes well and let us know how you get on xxx
CommentAuthorElinor Claire
If money is an issue could you arrange a quiet night in, where again all wedding talk is banned? If you cook a nice meal and get a decent bottle of wine it shouldn't break the bank. Maybe some time with his parents would do him good.
30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.
CommentAuthorMrsWright290912
Another piece of advice I would maybe give, is try not to make it such a big thing. I know when we were close to our wedding my hubby hated the mention of the "W" word and it drove him bonkers.
I would suggest forget about the wedding, if only for 1 night. Tidy all the wedding stuff away and have a night together. even if its a nice meal at home, a walk in the park or just a move. However, if you suggest this and your h2b says no, then don't push it. I know sometimes when my hubby is distant and i push things on him, it just makes him worse.
Best of luck xxx
I really did marry my Mr Wright and we had a nice day for a
Wright wedding!
Mexico for our first anniversary <3
CommentAuthorclive
You poor thing!
speaking from the other side of the fence as it were, I can only echo what the ladies are saying. I'm fairly sure it is nothing more than the reality of him actually getting married - I felt like this for a short while and on a lesser scale.
Date nights are the best - do it! ;-)
Do let us know how things progress ok? xx
CommentAuthorRachaelH78
I suggested the date night thing and he just said we can watch a DVD tonight, hopefully it won't be the awkward sitting as far away on the sofa from me as possible like he has been recently! He's also arranged to see his friends a few evenings this week which I've been really nice about so he dosent feel pressured etc. sooo hard trying to act normal when inside I feel empty! I had this uncertainty! X
CommentAuthorValentinaK
Hope this works out for you. Men (and women tobe fair) can act very strangely when stressed. As long as you never forced him to get engaged, I think you can consider it a case of bad pre-wedding jitters. He's probably had a few blokes put silly ideas in his head, and he might be thinking he's losinghis youth and will miss the old days. He'll come to his senses... have you spoken to his brother about the situation to see if he can help you? Or one of his parents...it's not fair at the end of the day for him to leave you feeling like this in the build up to the wedding and maybe a parent can straighten it out, or at least reassure you?
And we lived happily ever after!
CommentAuthorRachaelH78
It's awkward as he's quite a private person and dosent like people knowing things about him so I worry speaking to his mum or something may stress him out more. I've encouraged him to talk to someone but me doing it probably won't help. His cousin that is in the midst of splitting with his wife knows and told him he needs to sort it out as he's being silly! Hopefully he can talk him around as they are more like brothers than cousins xx
CommentAuthorSonya
ok, if you date night is going to be a dvd at home get some popcorn in and put it in a bowl that way you have to sit close to each other to share it and just do small things like hold his hand/put your hand on his leg etc.
Became Mrs Mulholland on September 12th 2014!!!
CommentAuthorbumblebumble
x Keeley x
CommentAuthorRachaelH78
edited
So hard! Everything I say to him at the moment just seems to make him angry!! I briefly touched on how he's feeling and he just said he feels I'm looking to be with someone he's not and that nothing he says or does it good enough for me and he feels I compare is to others which he hates, I then replied which a soppy message about him being more than good enough and the way he's feeling is probably just nerves but I'd be patient and wait for him to which he replied 'you're not patient with anything!' And left it at that. Not sure how to read that. I'm so worried its more than just nerves and he's decided he wants out! I think going on the stag made it worse as he had a lot of female attention which probably made him think about loosing the single life etc too xxx
CommentAuthorbrilly
Aww Rachael hun I cant imagine what your going through at the moment it must be hard, Maybe go along with the dvd tonight and see how it goes if there is still atmosphere maybe just ask him if the wedding is what he really wants if he wont listen maybe write a letter telling how you feel about it all and that you are scared the marriage isnt what he wants hopefully that will work hun, I really hope you get it all sorted out soon hun x
31st August 2013 I became Mrs Carrick
Cant wait to do it all over again in 2018
CommentAuthorMrsCross2be
Is there anywhere you can go for a few days just to give him so space and not speak to him- that way he might clear his head and realise exactly what he is wants/ is missing?
CommentAuthorAna40
Hi Rachael, its such a shame that this is happening. I cant really say much more than what the others have said. I hope it works out ok though. x
CommentAuthorVelcro
edited
You could flip his argument round and perhaps tell him he's making YOU feel like you're not good enough way he's been acting. Just picking up on the 'you're impatient' comment, I'm impatient too by my h2b accepts me, flaws an' all. Is he trying to tell you he's wanting something else? I'm not suggesting he is, it just makes me think his comments are hypocritical, he's making you feel like crap and picking out 'flaws' sure it may all be pre wedding jitters but he needs to man up and tell you exactly what is on his mind as tbh he's acting like a brat
That may or may not make your situation worse but if I were in yours I'd have it out with him especially with so close to the date. Me being me I'd ask him if he wanted to call it off (and yes I've already had a tough convo with him quite some time ago that could have ended our relationship regarding not wanting children so I KNOW how tough it is)
You need to communicate or how will you have a successful marriage?
I know how harsh my whole post sounds and I really don't mean it to, I feel for you, especially so close to the day but that is all the more reason not to pussy foot around it.
Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey
*Kelbel* is my wedding twinny!
CommentAuthorMrsCross2be
Good post Velcro- that's kind what I meant but you put it a lot better
CommentAuthorRachaelH78
edited
The only thing with that is I think he needs time and space, I know I did when I went through it. He's just being extremely hot and cold so it's so hard to read him and know how to act. One minutes he's normal, the next he won't even look at me and is sitting in another room rather than with me. The movie night didnt work, he just sat at the opposite end of the sofa and spent most of it on his phone. This is something that's happening a lot not sure if I should be worried. Just came upstairs and spent half an hour crying my eyes out like a pathetic idiot!
CommentAuthorBeverleyW66
I may be a little late but sending hugs your way, hope things work out for you hun, men are such hard work sometimes aren't they
Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today
Crazy in love with the man of my dreams
CommentAuthornadia13
I'd say wot Velcro said, tell him how he is making u feel even if its in a letter then go and spend a few days wiv ur mum/sister or a friend some1 2 help get ur mind of it all 4 a bit & not contact him in this time so that he as the space & knows wot his missing!!! X I hope get sorted Huns :0) x
CommentAuthorsarah
Reading through your posts I get the impression that he's trying to bait you into a bust up, his behavior is very passive aggressive. As I don't know you both I can't be sure. However, I feel that if he wanted time by himself he would make it happen (ie. turn off his phone & disappear for awhile). I'm a big fan of couples counseling as it gives you both a chance to discuss how you feel independently of each other, and together as well. It sounds as if he is having trouble communicating how he feels and that could help.
CommentAuthorThe-Future-Mrs-B
Sorry for your situation, I do agree with what Velcro said, I think you need to challenge straight and say you need to know exactly what he is thinking, this would drive me crazy so I would want to know, hugs to you.
CommentAuthorLinzi-jo
So sorry to hear this hun, but you keep saying that he needs space, so give it to him. Go and stay somewhere else for a couple of days and have no contact with him and leave him to sort out his head. When you go back he will either have missed you terribly in which case he would have realised what life would be like without you and so realise that he wants to marry you, or he will realise the opposite (hopefully not though!). I know he has been away on his stag, but that would have involved a lot of fun. If you move out for a couple of week days he wont have mates to go out drinking with and having a laugh with and he will realise what life would really be like without you. Either way, he will know how he really feels, and then you will know where you stand. Sometimes you just need the shock of not having someone or something there to realise just how much you want and need it. I hope you can work it out hun xxx
Got together 14.02.2008
Got engaged 31.12.2010
Will become a Mrs on 30.08.2014 xxxxxx
CommentAuthorhis duck
I agree with the time appart.
We had a wobble my oh even said if this what im like now he didn't know if he wanted to marry me! I was gutted but so tired and stressed I told him fine lets forget it all then. We didn't speak for a while just basics to look after dog etc.
Not quite same but his shifts changed which ment him working nights, first night wed spent appart for a year. Hr said it made him nervous and upset, didn't know how he'd cope without me etc.
I really feel for you. Its bad enough at best of times bit pressure of wedding and thought of having to cancel which im sure it won't come to is horrid so my heart goes out to you.
Stay strong. And having a cry is not pathetic its human and understandable
Xx loads of hugs and positive vibes sent xxxxxxxx
Is a very lucky girl :)
CommentAuthorElinor Claire
I would definitely second couples counselling. Someone completely impartial may be able to see things in a different way, and help you to find the way forward.
30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.
CommentAuthorNataliesoon2bMitchel
Oh no sorry to hear you are going though a difficult time especially during the run up to the wedding. If I stop and think about marriage and how big a commitment it is etc then I get nervous so I just re-assure myself that nothing is going to change between me and my fiance. I think other people scare brides and grooms to be with the whole marriage is a jynx blah blah blah and this causes people to panic and think that everything will change when your married which is a load of rubbish. So maybe just sit him down, tell him how you feel and re-assure him that nothing is going to change only your title and name but your day to day relationship will remain the same and not to over think the whole 'marriage' thing. When I feel nervous I just tell myself that my wedding day is just a day where I tell the man who I have loved for years that I love him and always will (as I do on a daily basis) except this time I will be saying this in front of friends and family. Nothing more Nothing Less and that helps me gain perspective. Hope you sort it soon though, Keep us updated xx
CommentAuthorNatalieD205
edited
RachelH I know it might sound silly but if you are the one to make the move first and stay at a friends/siblings/parents house for a few days I think the shock of being alone will soon make him realise that what he really wants is to be with you...... its all very well him saying he is unsure but I would expect most men dont enjoy suddenly being by themselves for a few nights..... I think it would make him realise how much he really needs you. Wedding planning is so stressful and my H2B gets annoyed that I talk about it too much and it makes me feel like he doesnt care sometimes..... but he does.... its just that to men its a case of turn up in a nice suit, get married and have a few drinks and some good food. They cant understand why its such a big stress to us and it freaks them out a bit I think. I'm sure he loves you to pieces or he wouldnt have asked you to marry him in the first place. Try to not react too much and let him sort his feelings out..... Bottled up emotions (usually those of men) have a habit of coming to a head at innapropriate times. You'l be ok :) Chin up!!!!!!!
Cant wait to marry my best boy :)
I love him to the moon and back
Eeeeeeeee!!!!
CommentAuthorMrsWright290912
Maybe just sit him down and say that you need to know what he wants - a break, a separation, a postponement or to marry you. Sounds like you need answers and he needs to be man enough to give you what you ask for, even if its uncomfortable for him x
I really did marry my Mr Wright and we had a nice day for a
Wright wedding!
Mexico for our first anniversary <3
CommentAuthorSonya
Ok, definitely seems he's got something going on. I think you need to take some time away from him completely, no calls, no texts etc. Me and h2b went through something similar a couple of years ago so I went to my mum's for a few days. It was so hard not texting or calling to find out how he was but it worked, he realised what he was missing and that he didn't want his life without me. He called me to come home before the agreed date but I insisted on staying for the agreed time just to be sure.
Take the time out and I'm afraid to say if things are the same on your return you do need to demand to know what he wants, he can't keep saying he needs space, it's too close to the wedding for him to continue to say that without giving you some indication of what he wants.
Became Mrs Mulholland on September 12th 2014!!!
CommentAuthorrachymoo
Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry to read this.
I agree, you need time apart. I would definitely make the first move and go and stay somewhere for a couple of nights - 1) it will make him see that you are co-operating with his need for space and 2) being suddenly all alone will very likely shock him into realising he's being an idiot and that he does want to get married!
Regarding the telling you you're always impatient - well if he says you're 'always impatient' then surely he has always known you are impatient? In which case he agreed to marry you, faults and all.
Anyway - I would have some time apart, give him a bit of space and then if another week goes by and you're still none the wiser you are going to have to press him for a decision - ok it's understandable that he's confused but you also need to know either way. I will say though, cold feet and pre wedding jitters is normal so hopefully that's all it is - I even had a bit of an 'oh god am I doing the right thing' moment for a week or two not long ago - and I've still got a year to go! (And we have two children!).
Really hope it works out and he sees sense, keep us updated x
CommentAuthorSazzell23
Hi hun, I am so sorry to read this and see what you are having to go through so close to the wedding date. I was so stressed before my wedding and I didnt have anything like this to contend with. As the others have said, I agree you need to bring this to a head and go and stay elsewhere for a few days - you cant carry on with this uncertainty. I also agree with the comments made by Velcro and Sarah. He is making you feel absolutely awful and putting you down - seems to be blaming you, which isnt right. I noticed you said that he has been on his phone a lot even though you were meant to be having a nice night together - is there any chance that there is someone else 'distracting' him - another girl trying to cause problems, making him think the grass is greener elsewhere? I really hope you sort this out and get things back on track hun. Its time to take control of the situation hun and also you need to get some support from friends / family too xxx
CommentAuthorMrsH-2B
We went through this in our relationship.. It wasn't about marriage, but the whole distant, pulling away, being hot and cold etc stuff is spot on.. I know you may see it as harsh, and you're scared of losing him and I was absolutely terrified of losing my H2B, but I put up with it for about 4 days and then just snapped.. I told him he either wants to be with me or he doesn't, if he does, then stop being an idiot, if he doesn't then leave right now.. He said he didn't know, so I said leave then because I am not walking on egg shells waiting for him to decided if he loves me or not... I have to echo Sazzell in saying is there any chance someones turning his head ? xxx
I can't wait to become his Wife :-) <3
4th July 2015 <3
CommentAuthorFinally Susan B
Just caught up with this - how terrible for you to be going through this so close to your wedding!
Agree with loads of advice already given - time apart would probably shock him into realising he can't be with out you.
If I was in your shoes I'd need to talk to him and get it all out - I'd make it clear to him if he wants out or to postpone, now is the time to tell me, not later and that I am not waiting around, feeling unwanted for the next weeks until our wedding day, being picked up and put down depending on his mood - you have feelings too hun, everything isn't all about him and he needs to take an honesty pill and stop messing with your head xx
CommentAuthorEllenH27
How awful you must be feeling right now.. I can't imagine. I do however, agree with what the others are saying about giving him space, he's told you that's what he wants just now so give it to him, it'll give you both time to sort your heads out, and if a few days doesn't give you answers then confront him and demand answers, you can't start married life this way. I really hope things work out for you huni, and it really is just jitters. Hugs and love xx
CommentAuthorRachaelH78
edited
Ok so I am currently at the train station waiting for a train to my sisters who lives an hour away. I haven't warned him I'm going anywhere, just left him a note at home with 'I'm Sorry' written on it. Hopefully that will shock him and help him realise his feelings as he won't know if I'm gone for good or what.
Ended up bursting into tears at work today, so embarrassing! Luckily the girls are covering me tomorrow so I can have a day with my sister but I then need to figure out where to stay after that as they need me to go in Thursday and Friday.
We spoke a bit more today about how he's feeling. It's not looking good. He can't explain how he feels or why but when I suggested cancelling the wedding and asked if that would help he replied 'probably not' so I'm definitely loosing hope very quickly now.
I have thought about the fact there may be someone turning his head but when I asked him about it he took offence. The boys did befriend a hen group on their stag that they have all kept in touch with via twitter (which I don't have!) so I wondered if it was one of them. My brother in law also went though and he said that nothing suspicious happened and the girls obviously all knew he was getting married so I don't know if I'm just being paranoid! X
CommentAuthorLauraJo87
I am very sorry you're going throu this so close to your wedding, however I'm not sure that just disappearing and leaving a cryptic note is the best way to resolve matters, particularly of he is feeling insecure or unsure in your relationship...I think it's one think giving him space, but another thing to lead him to believe that you're gone for good.
Personally I'd give him a text to let him know where you are and that you think you both need a bit of space...just to stop him worrying, otherwise you could be accused of playing mind games and he may resent the worry/anxiety youve caused (just playing devils advocate here, I appreciate that he's put you through a lot of worry these last few weeks)
Sorry if that sounds harsh, I really don't mean it to...
Hopefully he will realise how silly he is being and it is just wedding jitters - could you ask him to maybe write down how he feels? This can sometimes be easier than face to face conversations xx
My Beating Heart Belongs To You
30 August 2013
The First Day Of My Happily Ever After
CommentAuthorSonya
I agree with Laura about the cryptic note thing, might be worth just sending a quick text to let him know you're getting out of the way to let him clear his head for a few days.
I really hope this works for you, it did for me.
Hugs x
Became Mrs Mulholland on September 12th 2014!!!
CommentAuthorDebbieR12
Aww Rachael, i'm sitting here crying for you. I really do hope that you get this all sorted soon hun, I can only imagine what you're going through. I wish you all the best.xxx
CommentAuthorFinally Susan B
I would do it the way you have - If he knows you are back in a couple of days it could give him a different reaction to how he'd feel if he lost you. I'd at least leave it for a bit to let him have that initial feeling in his gut how it would feel if you wasn't there anymore - you need him to realise one way or the other x
CommentAuthorSillybirds
I am afraid I would have to confront him, as there is so much at stake, but that is just me, I can't leave things up in the air, I need to know, or I turn into a basket case!!
I really hope you get to the bottom of this all hunny, sending lots of cyber hugs your way xx
